Unpacking the Men's First Love Theory: What It Gets Wrong

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Find out the psychological implications of this social media trend
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Ah, first love. Regardless of your feelings now, those words likely bring up strong sensations. Perhaps you can remember the first time they locked eyes with you, or the first time they held your hand. These consuming thoughts are at the core of the first love theory —but is there some neurological truth behind this TikTok trend? Read on to find out! And if the first love theory resonates with you, we have psychology and relationship experts on hand with advice on how to let go of that past relationship so you can move on with your life.

Men's First Love Theory

Men's first love theory is a social media trend that holds men never get over their first love. Instead, men hold that first love up as the ideal and compare all future relationships to it. They also use their first relationship as the blueprint for future relationships, including how they give and receive love.

Section 1 of 4:

What is the first love theory?

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  1. The theory, which became popular on Reddit, TikTok, and other social media platforms, holds that no matter how long ago it was, men will never get over their first love. According to the theory, men subtly compare every romantic partner afterward to the first and get rid of those that don't measure up. [1]
    • Some go so far as to state that men look for partners with the same physical appearance and personality traits as their first love.
    • The first love theory argues that a man's first love effectively "teaches" him how to be a romantic partner. They define his expectations for future relationships as well as how he shows his love to future partners.
    • While the theory started trending on social media in 2024 and 2025, it has no discernible origin and no scientific basis.
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Section 2 of 4:

Is the first love theory true?

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  1. No, while the theory might hold for some people, it's not true as a blanket rule. There's simply no evidence to support the idea that men in particular, or all people in general, somehow never manage to get over their first love. At the same time, it is true that your first love primes your system for future love, giving you a taste of the sweet hormonal cocktail of euphoric, blissful love. [2]
    • Your first love does have a pretty big impact on the rest of your life, mostly due to addiction science. That first burst of love brings on a surge of oxytocin, norepinephrine , and dopamine —a feeling so good you'll likely spend a good portion of your time and effort chasing it.
    • Physiologically, though, you're hooked on the feeling—not the person. That first love will likely fade and be replaced with one that better suits the context of your life.
Section 3 of 4:

Problems with First Love Theory

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  1. 1
    The inability to move on is not a personality trait. Not being able to get over a relationship is simply a sign that you have work to do. "It's really just personal," explains licensed clinical psychologist Sarah Schewitz. "If you're not over it, you may not be figuring out the lessons and the blessings that came from it. Everyone in our lives is here for a reason—they're either a blessing or a lesson and breakups usually offer both."
    • "If you're not over it, you probably haven't done the work," Schewitz concludes. "You haven't figured out why this happened for you and not to you."
    • It can sometimes be comforting to believe that it's somehow impossible to get over your first love so that you don't have to do the work. But that comfort is less empowering than believing that it's within your power to move on from a relationship that wasn't serving you well.
    • It could be that you've totally moved on from your first love, but something has recently happened that's brought that relationship to mind for some reason.
    • Licensed professional counselor Tara Vossenkemper notes that if you've just started thinking about your first love, seemingly out of the blue, you might ask "what does my thinking about this person mean about how I'm feeling about the current state of my relationship? And what do I need to address to enhance it?"
  2. 2
    The first love theory confuses feelings and hormones. The euphoric feelings you have when you're falling in love with someone come from a burst of feel-good hormones that you can also get in other ways. While your first love might set the stage for your body to crave those hormones, that desire has nothing to do with your emotions. [3]
    • Your thoughts and feelings about your first love are likely different than someone else's (or even your own a few years ago). For the first love theory to be true, everyone's feelings about their first love would have to be more or less the same.
    • Feelings also tend to change over time, while that high you get from those hormones doesn't. It's that feeling you want to feel again—not necessarily the love itself.
    • Falling in love is part of your brain's reward system—it makes you feel good because bonding with someone is a good thing for you to do. The thoughts and feelings you have about the person you happened to fall in love with are kind of irrelevant to this process. [4]
  3. 3
    There's no reason for this rule to be limited to men. The feelings associated with falling in love apply across the board to all humans. And while there are things that can affect the intensity of those feelings, none of those things (such as anxiety or self-esteem) are exclusive to men. [5] If it's a rule that men are somehow forever unable to get over their first love, that rule would likely apply to women as well.
    • Taking away the limitation exposes the absurdity of the theory—if no one ever got over their first love, you would expect that the vast majority of adults would be in relationships with their first love. But studies show only about a quarter of people stay with their first love. [6]
    • It's also true that falling in love exposes your system to the same hormones, regardless of your gender. That first dose of feel-good hormones that gets your body hooked on that amazing sensation likewise applies to everybody. [7]
    • Some have proposed that the theory is limited to men because men are socialized to hide their emotions. [8] This socialization can cause some men to struggle to get over a lost love, but others are unaffected. Since socialization doesn't apply to all men, it can't be the reason to limit the rule to men.
  4. 4
    First loves typically happen between teenagers who are still figuring things out. "The executive lobe doesn't fully develop until about the age of 25," explains licensed clinical psychologist Chloe Carmichael. People who first fall in love as teenagers don't "have the life history experience, nor… even the neurological capability to be particularly future-focused," Carmichael explains, "and therefore, they're going to be doing what feels good at the moment. And the infatuation stage of relationships feels great."
    • Studies have also shown a correlation in teenagers between high levels of anxiety and falling in love—so that "first love" might be less love and more anxious attachment anyway.. [9]
    • The fact that teenagers quite famously have no idea what they want makes it seem extraordinarily unlikely that they'd somehow have everything figured out in the love department.
    • Teenage love is often romanticized because your lack of responsibilities allows you to focus on each other and prioritize your relationship in a way you might never be able to do again. But that doesn't necessarily mean it was the best—it just means it was the one you focused on the most. [10]
  5. 5
    The first love theory doesn't define what first love means. "That first attraction, kind of that first stage in romantic love, that one is all about excitement, all about dopamine," explains licensed clinical psychologist Mary Church. "It's all about stimulation. It's all about novelty." Is that what the theory considers first love, or is it the deeper love that comes after you've been with someone for a year or longer? "That infatuation phase… generally is pretty strong," Church continues, "and it lasts for a bit, not forever, but for a year or two."
    • Scientists agree that the surge of hormones you get when you think you're "falling in love" for the first time isn't really love. There are many different types of love that vary in duration and intensity. [11] Which one counts for the purposes of the first love theory seems to be up to interpretation.
    • Under the first love theory, this is the relationship that defines how your future relationships will look. Whether that's a weeks-long or a months-long relationship is important!
  6. 6
    Not all first loves are the same. The first love theory relies on a fairytale story of the first person you ever fell in love with. This theory likely resonates with you if you had a happy, idealized first relationship—especially if it ended for a neutral reason, such as one of you moving out of town. [12] But if your first love turned out to be a complete jerk, you're probably not thinking back on them so fondly or modeling future relationships after that one.
    • People do tend to remember their first of anything, but that doesn't mean that they necessarily consider the first to be the best—they might not even look back on it fondly.
  7. 7
    People's interests and preferences change as they grow. Even if your first relationship did set the stage for all of your relationships to come, that wouldn't necessarily be a good thing. Your life circumstances change as you get older, affecting your wants and needs. The more time passes after the end of your first relationship, the less likely you'll be to find the same type of relationship fulfilling. Often, your first love only felt as intense as it did because you had nothing to compare it to. As time goes on, you might realize that first love was not as powerful and all-consuming as you thought it was. [13]
    • It's totally normal for people to look back at what they thought was love the first time around and laugh, because they've felt something more powerful since.
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Section 4 of 4:

Moving On from Past Relationships

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  1. "We really try to rush through that process of grieving," Schewitz cautions, "but there is a true grieving process that happens in a breakup just like if you lost somebody to death." If you didn't take enough time to grieve after the end of your first relationship, it's possible that you haven't completed that cycle yet. "You really need to process it and heal," she explains.
    • If you're still thinking about and ruminating about your ex, it's crucial to let them go—especially if you're involved in a romantic relationship with someone else. [14]
  2. 2
    Set goals to learn and grow as a person. Schewitz talks about the time you spend getting over someone as a "period of personal growth… unlike any other." "Once you find where you can learn and grow from the experience," she explains, you can start to figure out how it "fit[s] into your journey of evolution as a human being."
    • "It can be such a great time for personal growth and development," Schewitz continues. "The biggest thing that helps is understanding how you may have contributed to the breakup," she advises, "not to make yourself wrong, not to place blame—but just to make yourself understand."
    • Focusing on yourself also happens to be a great way to discover new interests and embrace new passions in your life. [15]
  3. 3
    Reflect on the relationship and the lessons you've learned. This entire process runs counter to the underpinnings of the first love theory—the idea of love as destiny and destiny as something humans are powerless to control. The reality, though, is that you do have the power to find love and happiness in your life. You can prove this by thinking back on what was wrong with that first love and what it taught you about yourself. [16]
    • Journaling is a good way to unpack your thoughts about your first love and any lingering feelings you might have that are keeping you from moving on.
    • Reflecting on a past love can also help you see how much you've grown and changed in the time since that relationship ended.
    • Remember that you are far more powerful than the first love theory gives you credit for—you are capable of moving on and defining love for yourself.
  4. Remember that you're not in this alone—while it might not be true that no one gets over their first love, there are definitely a lot of people with this problem! Therapists and counselors have lots of tools and resources that can help you explore and unpack your feelings about your lost first love. Even talking to a close friend or family member can be helpful and bring you closure.
    • You might also consider talking to your current partner, "if you have a healthy enough relationship," Vossenkemper warns. "I would not encourage everybody to do this. But I think for some people… you could talk it through with your partner."
    • "It has the potential to enhance your intimacy," Vossenkemper explains, "because you're… having that discussion out loud with the person that you love, and you feel close to and you feel cared for."
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.hercampus.com/wellness/mens-first-love-theory-tiktok-explainer-expert/
      2. ↑ https://bigthink.com/neuropsych/psychological-first-love/
      3. ↑ https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2023/jul/17/why-first-loves-shape-our-lives-for-ever-relationships-memories
      4. ↑ https://www.southuniversity.edu/news-and-blogs/2016/08/the-psychology-behind-love-and-romance-70700
      5. ↑ https://www.ijpsy.com/volumen15/num1/405/interpersonal-variability-of-the-experience-EN.pdf
      6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-the-name-of-love/201812/is-marrying-your-first-and-only-lover-a-bad-idea
      7. ↑ https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2023/jul/17/why-first-loves-shape-our-lives-for-ever-relationships-memories
      8. ↑ https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC4469291/
      9. ↑ https://www.ijpsy.com/volumen15/num1/405/interpersonal-variability-of-the-experience-EN.pdf
      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/romantically-attached/202403/why-do-we-idealize-first-loves-0
      2. ↑ https://www.ijpsy.com/volumen15/num1/405/interpersonal-variability-of-the-experience-EN.pdf
      3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/romantically-attached/202403/why-do-we-idealize-first-loves-0
      4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/romantically-attached/202403/why-do-we-idealize-first-loves-0
      5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/meet-catch-and-keep/201602/this-is-why-its-crucial-to-get-over-your-ex
      6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/i-hear-you/201804/six-psychological-strategies-getting-over-bad-breakup
      7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/i-hear-you/201804/six-psychological-strategies-getting-over-bad-breakup

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