How do I deal with social anxiety?
Every time I'm about to go somewhere with lots of people, I get SO stressed. Once I get there I'm super uncomfortable and have trouble talking to anyone. I feel awkward and spend the whole time wishing I were home. I want friends but it's really hard to make them when I can't bring myself to interact with people. Please give me advice on how to overcome my social anxiety!
Think about an upcoming social encounter and try to imagine it in a positive way. Instead of thinking that it might be difficult or awkward, think about how you would like the encounter to flow smoothly and comfortably. Positive thinking is a way of coaching your brain to consider ways that an experience might go well, and this makes it more likely that the situation will be successful.
Before the social event, use breathing techniques to calm yourself down. Inhale slowly through your nose for 3 seconds, hold your breath for 5 seconds, and exhale slowly through your mouth for 7 seconds. Repeat this cycle of breathing 10 times and notice how calm you can become.
Remember that you the people you're interacting with in a social situation don't notice everything you're saying and doing as much as you do.
When you're socializing, pretend you're at a relaxing place to help keep yourself calm. For example, you might imagine being on a warm beach and speaking casually with a friend.
Talk about whatever the other person is interested in rather than focusing on what you should say. Doing this means that you don't have to initiate the conversation, you can just let the other person take the lead. You got this!
Before the social event, use breathing techniques to calm yourself down. Inhale slowly through your nose for 3 seconds, hold your breath for 5 seconds, and exhale slowly through your mouth for 7 seconds. Repeat this cycle of breathing 10 times and notice how calm you can become.
Remember that you the people you're interacting with in a social situation don't notice everything you're saying and doing as much as you do.
When you're socializing, pretend you're at a relaxing place to help keep yourself calm. For example, you might imagine being on a warm beach and speaking casually with a friend.
Talk about whatever the other person is interested in rather than focusing on what you should say. Doing this means that you don't have to initiate the conversation, you can just let the other person take the lead. You got this!
There are different strategies you can try to be comfortable around strangers when you have anxiety. I like to help my clients to come up with a plan of how they're going to approach someone right before meeting someone new. So before you talk to this new person, you may plan in your head what you're going to say to join or initiate a conversation. Having some ideas of the actual words you'll use to get a conversation going is really helpful for social anxiety.
Practicing deep breathing is really huge. I think people often discount breathing because they think, "well, we breathe all the time." But really understanding what that actually means and slowing down your breathing is important. When you have a lot of anxiety, your thoughts go really quickly and you breathe really rapidly. It's really hard to actually slow down the sense of overwhelm that's happening in your mind. Breath exercises can take that intensity from a seven or eight down to a four or five.
Another helpful tool is to remind yourself of previous successes. We often focus on the few times that weren't successful, so it can be effective to remind yourself of past instances when you were able to successfully connect with somebody that you didn't know. Also, remind yourself that the people you're anxious to be around are just people! Sometimes we get so in our head thinking about how others have things we don't, and we end up bullying ourselves and spiraling into mental states that we don't want to be in. Recognizing that these people are just humans is another helpful approach to managing anxiety.
If you're struggling to keep a conversation going, ask a question! People tend to get really engaged when you ask them questions. Obviously, the type of question you ask is going to depend on the scenario that you're in. A simple "How's your day going?" can really get someone talking, or you could discuss current event or some recent news. Joining a conversation tends to actually be easier because you can hear what the topic is. So trying to join in a conversation that's already happening (and doesn't feel too private) can be an easy way to have a conversation.
Practicing deep breathing is really huge. I think people often discount breathing because they think, "well, we breathe all the time." But really understanding what that actually means and slowing down your breathing is important. When you have a lot of anxiety, your thoughts go really quickly and you breathe really rapidly. It's really hard to actually slow down the sense of overwhelm that's happening in your mind. Breath exercises can take that intensity from a seven or eight down to a four or five.
Another helpful tool is to remind yourself of previous successes. We often focus on the few times that weren't successful, so it can be effective to remind yourself of past instances when you were able to successfully connect with somebody that you didn't know. Also, remind yourself that the people you're anxious to be around are just people! Sometimes we get so in our head thinking about how others have things we don't, and we end up bullying ourselves and spiraling into mental states that we don't want to be in. Recognizing that these people are just humans is another helpful approach to managing anxiety.
If you're struggling to keep a conversation going, ask a question! People tend to get really engaged when you ask them questions. Obviously, the type of question you ask is going to depend on the scenario that you're in. A simple "How's your day going?" can really get someone talking, or you could discuss current event or some recent news. Joining a conversation tends to actually be easier because you can hear what the topic is. So trying to join in a conversation that's already happening (and doesn't feel too private) can be an easy way to have a conversation.
thanks to everyone for sharing all of your advice :) i love all of your ideas, especially the thing about planning what to talk about ahead of time to feel more confidenct and prepared. its so nice to hear from other people who've been diagnosed with social anxiety disorder, so if anyone has any more tips or just needs to talk, looking forward to continuing on this forum with you all <3
If you experience social anxiety, joining a support group has a lot of benefits. Support groups can help you to better manage your own symptoms while also supporting others to overcome theirs. Being able to immediately work on the things that increase your anxiety level is one of the most effective ways to reduce anxiety in the long-run. In other words, facing your fears of social anxiety in a safe and supportive setting (like a support group) will go a long way toward empowering you to overcome your symptoms. You'll also receive real-time feedback, which will likely help you have a more reality-based (rather than anxiety-based) understanding of how you come across to others.
Facing your fears is advice that really worked for me! When I was younger I really struggled with social anxiety, to the point that I didn't want to go out to eat with my family because I would be so stressed about having to order my food. I would still go because I didn't want to ruin it for everyone, but I'd have my brother order for me and it made me feel bad. I also didn't have many friends at school because I would be so scared to talk to everyone. I got really frustrated because I felt lonely with no friends but even thinking about trying to make friends would make my heart race.
One day I decided to change things so I asked the person who sits next to me in my match class if he wanted to eat lunch with me. He turned out to be a really chill guy and it was a lot easier to talk to him than I thought. I think he picked up on the fact that I was anxious and shy, so he didn't try to push me when I gave really short answers to questions and was happy to pick up most of the talking in the conversation. Now he's one of my closest friends and I've grown my social circle by meeting some of his friends. It'll be scary at first but it's so rewarding once you're able to overcome your social anxiety!
One day I decided to change things so I asked the person who sits next to me in my match class if he wanted to eat lunch with me. He turned out to be a really chill guy and it was a lot easier to talk to him than I thought. I think he picked up on the fact that I was anxious and shy, so he didn't try to push me when I gave really short answers to questions and was happy to pick up most of the talking in the conversation. Now he's one of my closest friends and I've grown my social circle by meeting some of his friends. It'll be scary at first but it's so rewarding once you're able to overcome your social anxiety!
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Other wikiHow readers have submitted their own tips on topics similar to this one.
Reader Tips from How to Overcome Social Anxiety
If public speaking isn't your cup of tea, try creating a blog or YouTube channel. It's a great way to get your confidence up and you still get feedback from an audience. Handling the negative feedback may be easier when you're not directly in front of your audience. You can work your way up to public speeches at your own pace.
Imagine how you would be if you were confident. How would you carry yourself? How would you act? How would your voice sound? Then, pretend to be that imaginary person. Keep doing this until you feel more comfortable and eventually you won't even have to pretend. You'll just be that person!
If you have anxiety at school, go talk to the counselor about it. Schools can make all kinds of accommodations for people struggling with anxiety and they will be able to help you!
When are having anxiety, try things that might distract you from it. You can listen to music, draw, read, exercise, or anything that makes you happy.
Reader Tips from How to Be Sociable
If you struggle with anxiety when talking to new people, start practicing with strangers. You might try asking a stranger for the time one day, then the next day ask a shopkeeper if they have a product you like in the back (even if you know they don't). Keep it going and eventually talking to new people won't seem so difficult.
If you ever feel like you're running out of things to talk to someone about, just ask them a question about themselves. People love talking about who they are and what they do.
Reader Tips from How to Make Friends when You Are Not Social
You know who else wants to make friends and isn't social? Introverts! In social situations, look for the people who are quiet and isolated from the crowd. Try talking to them! Those people want friends just like everyone else, and you'll have an easier time bonding if you two are both kind of nervous when it comes to being social.
People tend to respect honesty. If you're talking to someone new and you think things are going well, feel free to say something like, "I really like talking to you but I'm always nervous to make new friends. Do you want to hang out sometime?"
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