130 Hysterical One-Liners, From the Clean to the NSFW

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Plus, pro comedians share how to write an original one-liner
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One-liners may be short jokes, but they sure do pack a punch(line)! If you’re looking for some quick witticisms to sprinkle into your next conversation or presentation, we’ve got you covered. Keep reading for 130 hilarious one-liners, including clean jokes for kids and a few dark and dirty jokes for adults . Plus, professional stand-up comedians share how to craft your own one-liner to show off your personal sense of humor. Keep scrolling to learn more!

Our Top Picks for Hilarious One-Liners

  • My IQ test results came back. They were negative.
  • When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
  • Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
  • The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing someone's cast.
  • If you're scared of escalators, there are steps you can take.
  • I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
  • I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.
  • Adam and Eve were the first ones to ignore the Apple terms and conditions.
Section 1 of 7:

Funniest One-Liner Jokes for Friends

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  1. Share one of these gut-busting one-liners to give your pals a laugh. Whether you’re standing in line, making small talk before a meeting, or with friends at a party, these safe-for-work jokes are easy to slip into conversation for a chuckle. Give one a try—sliding a quick witticism into your everyday chats is a great way to be more naturally funny !
    • My IQ test results came back. They were negative.
    • What’s the difference between an outlaw and an in-law? Outlaws are wanted.
    • Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with a slow Internet connection to see who they really are.
    • I never knew what happiness was until I got married—and then it was too late.
    • Our child has a great deal of willpower—and even more won’t power.
    • I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house…but the kids still get in.
    • How can you tell you’re getting old? When you go to an antique auction and three people bid on you.
    • How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it while you are eating dinner.
    • How many paranoid people does it take to change a light bulb? Who wants to know?
    • The trouble with getting to work on time is that it makes the day so long.
    • Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
    • If you arrest a mime, do you have to tell him he has the right to remain silent?
    • Two men walk into a bar. You’d think at least one of them would have ducked.
    • My partner accused me of having no sense of direction. I got so angry, I packed up my stuff and right.
    • If you're scared of escalators, there are steps you can take.
    • My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
    • I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
    • When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
    • My father has schizophrenia, but he's good people.
    • Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.
    • Always borrow money from a pessimist. They'll never expect it back.
    • Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
    • I don't suffer from insanity—I enjoy every minute of it.
    • The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on the list.
    • The problem isn't that obesity runs in your family. It's that no one runs in your family.
    • A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
    • Adam and Eve were the first ones to ignore the Apple terms and conditions.
    • How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
    • I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work.
    • I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.

    Meet the wikiHow Experts

    Kevin Bozeman is a stand-up comedian based in Downers Grove, IL, with over 26 years of experience and appearances on Comedy Central, NBC, CBS, and Fox. He tours 40-45 weeks of the year, performing at comedy clubs, corporate events, colleges, and more.

    Manuel Garavito is a stand-up comedian, producer, and founder of Miami Comedy. He’s coached dozens of comedians globally in developing their stage presence and comedic voice and hosts the popular Miami Comedy Podcast.

    Andrea Vicunia is an actress, writer, and stand-up comedian based in Los Angeles, CA, with over 15 years of experience in the entertainment industry. She has appeared on BuzzFeed, Amazon Prime Video, Who Haha, and Backstage.

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Section 2 of 7:

Clever & Witty One-Liner Jokes

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  1. Flaunt your sharp sense of humor with these clever jokes. Did you know that being funny is associated with higher general and verbal intelligence? [1] Well, you do now! These jokes have some seriously funny and surprising punchlines that reveal your intellectual wit—and they’re sure to make the room erupt with laughter!
    • What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear.
    • Advice to husbands: Try praising your wife now and then, even if it does startle her at first.
    • Why are so many blonde jokes one-liners? So brunettes can remember them.
    • She leaves me with the feeling that when we bury the hatchet, she’ll mark the exact spot.
    • You can’t believe everything you hear—but you can repeat it.
    • Their first daughter was born with a silver spoon in her mouth. Now they’re hoping for triplets so they can have a whole set.
    • A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
    • The reason some politicians like to stand on their record is to keep voters from examining it.
    • My father is allergic to cotton. He has pills he can take, but he can’t get them out of the bottle.
    • You’ll always stay young if you live honestly, eat slowly, sleep sufficiently, work industriously, worship faithfully, and lie about your age.
    • Did you hear about the veterinarian who prescribes birth-control pills for dogs? It’s part of an anti-litter campaign.
    • A new study shows that one-third of people don’t floss, while the other two-thirds couldn’t answer with all the local anesthetic in their mouths.
    • I went to buy some camo pants, but I couldn’t find any.
    • Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
    • I know they say that money talks, but all mine says is “Goodbye.”
    • The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they always take things literally.
    • I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
    • I used to think I was indecisive. But now I'm not so sure.
    • The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing someone's cast.
    • My therapist says I have a preoccupation with revenge. We'll see about that.
    • I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
    • Today, a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation toward the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
    • I can tell when people are being judgmental just by looking at them.
    • The rotation of the Earth really makes my day.
    • Communist jokes aren't funny unless everyone gets them.
Section 3 of 7:

Punny One-Liners & Dad Jokes

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  1. Make your audience groan and giggle with these pun-derful dad jokes. Sometimes, a joke is so cringey that it’s actually good, and we’ve got a bunch of them for you right here! These dad jokes are great for kids, coworkers, friends, or anyone who appreciates a good pun .
    • Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession.
    • What did one DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat?”
    • Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up literally everything.
    • Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven eight nine.
    • What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi.
    • Did you hear about the shepherd who drove his sheep through town? He was given a ticket for making a ewe turn.
    • What happens to an illegally parked frog? It gets toad away.
    • How does the man in the moon get his hair cut? Eclipse it.
    • Why aren’t dogs good dancers? Because they have two left feet.
    • What’s a dog’s favorite homework assignment? A lab report.
    • Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach!”
    • Did you hear about the racing snail that got rid of his shell? He thought it would make him faster, but it just made him sluggish.
    • What’s Irish and stays out all night? Patty O’Furniture.
    • I used to have a handle on life, but then it broke.
    • I was addicted to the hokey pokey, but then I turned myself around.
    • I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.
    • Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
    • It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
    • I didn't think orthopedic shoes would help, but I stand corrected.
    • Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
    • Two wifi engineers got married. The reception was fantastic.
    • Refusing to go to the gym is a form of resistance training.
    • Are people born with photographic memories, or does it take time to develop?
    • When the cannibal showed up late to the buffet, they gave him the cold shoulder.
    • I went to a seafood disco last week but ended up pulling a mussel.
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Section 4 of 7:

Clean One-Liner Jokes for Kids

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  1. Who says grown-ups get to have all the fun? These one-liners are hilarious and appropriate to tell your kids (and for them to repeat on the playground, too). They might be a bit cheesy or predictable, but there are real benefits to them; one study showed that sharing eye-roll-worthy jokes with your children teaches them to handle and respond to embarrassment and awkwardness maturely. [2] So, let the jokes roll!
    • Why did the parents not like their son’s biology teacher? He had skeletons in his closet.
    • What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.
    • Did you hear about the cat who ate a ball of yarn? She had mittens!
    • How much did Santa pay for his sleigh? Nothing, it was on the house.
    • I failed math so many times at school, I can't even count.
    • What's a frog's favorite type of shoes? Open toad sandals.
    • Blunt pencils are really pointless.
    • Whiteboards are remarkable.
    • I put my grandma on speed dial the other day. I call it insta-gram.
    • My teachers told me I'd never amount to much because I procrastinate so much. I told them, "Just you wait!"
    • I used to be a baker, but I couldn't make enough dough.
    • I have a fear of speed bumps, but I'm slowly getting over it.
    • The man who invented knock-knock jokes should get a no-bell prize.
    • A sandwich tried to get a reservation at a restaurant, but the waiter said they don’t serve food there. [3]
    • I’m throwing a space-themed party for my birthday, but I don’t want to planet.
    • I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from. Then it dawned on me.
    • Don’t spell “part” backward. It’s a trap!
    • I was going to tell a pizza joke, but it was too cheesy.
    • I ate a clock yesterday. It was very time-consuming.
    • Would a cardboard belt be a waist of paper?
    • I always wanted to be a doctor, but I didn't have the patients.
    • Do you know how scientists freshen their breath? With experi-mints!
    • If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
    • One bird can’t make a pun. But toucan.
    • What did one wall say to the other wall? I’ll meet you at the corner!
Section 5 of 7:

Dark & Dirty One-Liner Jokes for Adults

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  1. Save these NSFW one-liners for your close friends (and prepare to die laughing). And finally, we’ve reached the blue section of our one-liner list. Whether you’re into dark humor or love telling a raunchy joke over a few drinks, these jokes are so wrong, they’re right (but really, we don’t recommend telling these at work unless you love meetings with HR).
    • Scientists have recently discovered a food that greatly reduces sex drive. It’s called wedding cake.
    • My mother was so surprised when I told her I was born again. She said she didn’t feel a thing!
    • What do you call a guy who’s had too much to drink? A cab.
    • I went to a gender reveal party. Everyone else was dressed.
    • It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.
    • I always take life with a grain of salt. And a slice of lemon. And a shot of tequila.
    • Pollen is what happens when flowers can't keep it in their plants.
    • My husband doesn’t like it when I shorten his name to Dick. Especially because his name is Allen. [4]
    • I told my wife that I was in the mood for a quickie. She replied that it's pronounced “quiche.”
    • What do hot dogs use for protection? Condo-ments.
    • Did you hear about the guy who got a Viagra stuck in his throat? Now he's got a stiff neck.
    • What has two butts and kills people? An assassin.
    • What do you call a bra that you can't take off? A booby trap.
    • Why did the environmentalist blush? He saw the climate change.
    • I discovered my husband is on Tinder and I'm so mad about his lies. He isn't “fun to be around.”
    • When don't “I'm sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing? At a funeral.
    • When I die, I want to be cremated. That way, I'll have a smoking-hot body at least once.
    • My grief counselor just died. She was so good that I don't even miss her.
    • Why do divorces cost so much money? Because they’re worth it.
    • My husband wants another baby. I’m so relieved. I don’t like the first one either.
    • How is marriage like a three-ring circus? There's the engagement ring, wedding ring, then suffering.
    • My new car has a gadget for just about everything. It even has a rear wiper. I can't wait to try it.
    • A women at the bank asked if she could check her balance. So I pushed her over.
    • Sadly, I was there for my father's last words. They were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”
    • How are relationships like algebra? You look at your X and think Y.
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Section 6 of 7:

What is a one-liner?

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  1. A one-liner is a concise joke or witty observation with a surprising punchline. Contrary to the name, one-liners don’t have to be only one sentence long (they can often be 2 or 3). The setup just has to be kept short and pithy so that the punchline isn’t delayed very long. According to stand-up comedian Kevin Bozeman, “A one-liner is one thought, and the punchline is different from what people expect that thought to be. It’s all about the element of surprise.” [5]
    • For example, “My grief counselor just died” is a super short setup that establishes a simple premise. “She was so good that I don't even miss her” is a surprising twist that shows a new perspective on the original premise or thought.
Section 7 of 7:

How to Write a One-Liner

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  1. 1
    Keep your joke short and sweet. The defining feature of a one-liner is that it’s concise and ends with an unexpected punchline. So, brainstorm a unique premise or setup and try to pare it down to one simple sentence or statement that your audience can easily understand or relate to (for example, “My partner accused me of having no sense of direction”). Then, immediately follow it up with a punchline to “answer” the setup (“I got so angry, I packed up my stuff and right”).
    • According to stand-up comedian Manuel Garavito, “Start with a strong concept and end with impact. In text, the structure matters. Verbally, it’s about being concise.” [6]
    • Challenge yourself to write a few one-liners each day to get a feel for the structure. Don’t expect every single one to be golden—any comedian will tell you that you have to come up with some clunkers before you reach the good stuff!
  2. 2
    Use misdirection to surprise the audience with your punchline. When it comes to your setup, “A great one-liner gives people just barely enough information to know something is happening, but they have no idea what,” Bozeman explains. “A lot of times, it's misdirection—you think I'm going one way, but really, I'm going the other. You think I'm going to say this, because I’ve set it up that way, but really, I’m about to say something that takes you completely off guard.” [7]
    • Stand-up comedian Andrea Vicunia recommends using the “rule of three” as a misdirection structure. “I have this joke about my acting roles that goes ‘I always get cast as the mistress, the maid, or prostitute number five. Which is so offensive—because I clearly wanted to be prostitute number one.’ You can see the rule of three in there—boom, boom, twist.” [8]
    • Bozeman adds that “If people can scream out your punchline before you say it, you’ve given away too much or your topic is too generic. But if they can’t see it coming—that’s the beauty of it. Otherwise, what’s the point?” [9]
  3. 3
    Deliver your one-liner in a natural way for the setting you’re in. “If you’re on camera or on stage, you need structure and flow,” explains Garavito, “but if it’s casual conversation, it should sound natural, like you’re sharing, not performing. So, tailor it to the setting. In conversation, don’t deliver it like a punchline—share it like a thought. People can tell when it’s forced. You’ve gotta say it to someone, not just recite it.” [10]
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0160289611000523
      2. ↑ https://www.bps.org.uk/psychologist/dad-jokes-thats-way-eye-roll
      3. ↑ https://www.countryliving.com/life/entertainment/a30756797/jokes-for-kids/
      4. ↑ https://www.today.com/life/inspiration/dirty-jokes-rcna202461
      5. ↑ Kevin Bozeman. Stand-Up Comedian. Expert Interview
      6. ↑ Manuel Garavito. Stand-Up Comedian. Expert Interview
      7. ↑ Kevin Bozeman. Stand-Up Comedian. Expert Interview
      8. ↑ Andrea Vicunia. Stand-Up Comedian. Expert Interview
      9. ↑ Kevin Bozeman. Stand-Up Comedian. Expert Interview
      1. ↑ Manuel Garavito. Stand-Up Comedian. Expert Interview
      2. ↑ Manuel Garavito. Stand-Up Comedian. Expert Interview

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