90+ Funny Things to Say When Answering the Phone

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Plus, more tips for being casually funny when you’re on the phone
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Looking for a clever and funny way to add humor to your daily phone calls? We’ve put together the ultimate list of over 80 creative ways to help you transform those bland “hellos” into laugh-out-loud openers. These phone-answering lines will surprise and delight your callers—just remember to read the room and save the more colorful responses for close friends! Now, get ready to master the art of the funny phone greeting!

Section 1 of 11:

Short & Funny Ways to Answer the Phone

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  1. If you're using quick, punchy greetings, timing and tone are everything. Keep the energy high, but avoid rushing through your greeting to help nail the comedic effect. [1] Remember to gauge your audience and have a few different options ready depending on who's calling. Here are a few short and hilarious ones to try on your next call.
    • “Incontinence Hotline…please hold.”
    • “I'm sorry, you have the wrong number.”
    • “Ahoy-hoy!”
    • “This is Hell…Satan speaking.”
    • “Hello caller, you’re on the air!”
    • “Did you just fart?”
    • “The money’s in the trash can. You know what to do.”
    • “Meow?”
    • “I'm sorry, I don’t speak English. I only speak fluent sarcasm.”
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Section 2 of 11:

Answering with Funny Movie & TV Quotes

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  1. Quote one of your favorite funny lines to get a laugh. People tend to bond over shared experiences and laughter. [2] So, choose references your caller will recognize to make your movie and TV quotes land. Pick one of these famous funny favorites, or use one of your own.
    • “If someone says something bad about you, you'd want me to tell you, right?” – Mean Girls
    • “Gooooooooooood morning, Vietnam!” – Good Morning, Vietnam
    • “That’s what she said.” – The Office
    • “Hello! This is Regina Phalange.” – Friends
    • “Seven days…” – The Ring
    • “Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.” – The Princess Bride
    • “Ghostbusters! What do you want?” – Ghostbusters
    • “You are the weakest link. Goodbye.” – The Weakest Link
    • “Heeeeeeeeeeeere’s Johnny!” – The Shining
Section 3 of 11:

Dirty Ways to Answer the Phone

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  1. Only use dirty openers with close friends who share your sense of humor (these types of jokes are never appropriate for work). [3] If you’re on the phone while you’re out and about, you might want to keep your voice down so you don’t draw too much attention from folks around you. Pro tip: Have a quick recovery line or apology ready if you accidentally use one of these greetings with the wrong caller.
    • “Bud’s Bait, Tackle, & Lingerie! Guess what I’m wearing.
    • “Hi, darling. No, I'm not pregnant yet, but what are you wearing?”
    • “Jim’s sperm bank, you smack it, we pack it! How can I help you today?”
    • “Papa’s Pizzeria and Abortion Clinic. Your loss is our sauce. How can I help you?”
    • “Howie’s House of Pain…how can we hurt you today?”
    • “Hey there! I was feeling a little off today, but you turned me on again.”
    • “Sorry, I can't talk right now. My booty call just got here.”
    • “This is Santa. You’ve been very naughty.”
    • “Alien abduction hotline, have you been probed?”
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Section 4 of 11:

Answering the Phone with a Joke

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  1. Tell a funny joke to start the call off with a laugh. Tell jokes that are quick to deliver and don't require complicated setups to hook the caller immediately, like making a quick pun . A joke with a long set-up is going to be less funny than a quick punchline. Try one of these snappy jokes to get a laugh on your next call.
    • “Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession.”
    • “Why did the parents dislike their son’s biology teacher? He had skeletons in his closet.”
    • “I told a bad chemistry joke once. I got no reaction.”
    • “Thank goodness you called! I accidentally swallowed some food coloring yesterday. I think I dyed a little inside.
    • “Did you know a Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother?”
    • “Your IQ test results came back. They were negative.”
    • “Have you heard the one about the crustacean who got sued? He was accused of promoting his own shellfish interests.”
    • “Did you hear about the exorcist who offers a payment plan? Apparently, if people fall behind on their payments, they’ll get repossessed!”
    • “What’s a dog’s favorite homework assignment? A lab report.”
Section 5 of 11:

Answering as a Funny Fake Business

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  1. Make up a humorous fake business to tickle their funny bone. Commit to the bit by creating a believable but absurd business name and greeting ahead of time. Create a character and develop the right professional tone to make this opener work. Try to sound like you’re an employee of a business with a script for answering the phone. Use a professional tone while delivering business services or a tagline to maximize the laughs. [4] Just be ready to break character gracefully if the call turns out to be important.
    • “Hello, you’ve reached the office of Dr. Scrachensniff, your one-stop shop for burns, warts, and rashes.”
    • “Bob’s Bail Bonds. You ring, we spring!”
    • “Alejandro’s Mortuary and Taco Stand, where yesterday’s grief is today’s beef. What can I do for you today?”
    • “Myrtle’s girdles, Myrtle speaking. What can I do for you today?”
    • “Steve's Crematorium, you ghost 'em, we'll roast 'em.”
    • “Roadkill Cafe, you kill it, we grill it. What can I get started for you today?”
    • “Bill’s Pool Hall, 8 Ball speaking.”
    • “Psychic Pizza. $14.83. About 30 minutes.”
    • “Frank's Taxidermy, you snuff 'em, we stuff 'em!”
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Section 6 of 11:

Answering as a Real Business or Organization

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  1. Pretend to work at a real business or organization to confuse the caller. When spoofing real organizations, choose well-known ones that most people are familiar with. Put a twist on their standard greeting by exaggerating corporate speak or adding unexpected services to their usual offerings. This is a type of observational humor because you’re using a commonplace, relatable idea to get a laugh . [5]
    • “This is Burger King, Home of the Whopper. What’s your beef?”
    • “Alcoholics Anonymous, Jack Daniels speaking.
    • “City Morgue. You stab 'em, we slab 'em.”
    • “FBI Cybercrimes Division. This call is being recorded. How may I assist you?”
    • “Hello, 911? I'd like to report a burglary in progress!”
    • “IRS, you owe us $5,000. Please provide your credit card details.”
    • “Pizza Hut, would you like to hear today’s specials or place an order?”
    • “Hello! Thank you for calling AT&T. Our normal business hours are from 9 AM to 5 PM, Monday through Friday. However, we are currently closed. Please call back during our normal business hours.”
    • “Jimmy John’s, freaky fast delivery. How can I freak you out today?”
Section 7 of 11:

Funny Ways to Answer a Spam Call

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  1. Humorously answer spam calls with the goal of wasting their time and getting them to leave you alone while entertaining yourself. Have a few go-to options locked and loaded so you’re ready to go when you recognize a scam number or spammer. Just remember…while it's fun to mess with scammers, always protect your personal information and never give them any real details about yourself. [6] Here are a few openers to help you discourage the next spam call.
    • “Sheriff’s Department, Fraud Division. Name and social security number, please.”
    • “I’m sorry. He can’t come to the phone right now. He’s dead.”
    • “You've reached the rejection hotline. Please hang up.”
    • “He’s dead. What do you want me to do with the body?”
    • “I’m busy now, but I’m free around midnight. Can I have your home phone number so I can call you back?"
    • “All of our agents are currently busy. Please stay on the line, and your call will be answered as soon as possible.”
    • “Do you have a moment to discuss our lord and savior, Cthulhu?”
    • “Oh, hi! I’m glad you called. My billing rate is $500 per hour. If you give me your credit card number now, I’ll book a time slot just for you.”
    • “I'm sorry, you have reached a number that has been disconnected or is no longer in service. Please check the number and try your call again.”
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Section 8 of 11:

Funny Ways to Answer the Phone at Work

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  1. Use safe humor when you're supposed to be acting professional. Keep your jokes subtle and workplace-appropriate when you answer a business call or people may question your professionalism. [7] Making a pun or using clever wordplay works better than saying anything outright outrageous. Try testing out your greetings with trusted colleagues first to make sure they combine the right amounts of professionalism and fun. Always have your standard professional greeting ready as a backup if someone important calls.
    • “You've reached the department of redundancy department. How can I assist you, assist you today?”
    • “You've reached the procrastination station. Please hold while I put off answering your call.”
    • “You’ve reached the office jungle, where the coffee is strong, and the Mondays are brutal.”
    • “Company X's breakroom. For gossip, press 1. For snack inventory, press 2.”
    • “You've reached the water cooler gossip hotline – spill the tea!”
    • “Welcome to the last cubicle on the left. Please proceed with caution!”
    • “You've dialed into the office zen zone. Let's inhale positivity and exhale the stress. How may I assist you today?”
    • “Welcome to the chaos central, where we turn coffee into productivity. What's brewing?”
    • “Hello, this is [Your Name], your friendly neighborhood spreadsheet wrangler!”
Section 9 of 11:

Funny Ways to Answer Calls from Strangers

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  1. Save anything that could potentially be offensive for when you know who’s on the other end of the line…and you know they appreciate that kind of humor. Stick with a slightly quirky greeting that can be played off as a simple mistake if the call turns out to be important. Use one of these lines or come up with an opener that’s uniquely you.
    • “Who are you? Is this a secure line?”
    • “Hello, can you be helped?”
    • “Thank you for calling [your name]. Your call will be answered in the order in which it was received.”
    • “Please listen carefully as our menu options have changed.”
    • “I’m sorry. All our circuits are busy. Please hang up and try your call again later.”
    • “Hi, is Chuck there?”
    • “Hello! This is your neighborhood mathematician. I wish I could chat, but I’ll have to cal-cu-later!”
    • “Hello from the other side!”
    • “Room service!”
    • “Hello? Is it me you're looking for?”
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Section 10 of 11:

Funny Ways to End a Phone Call

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  1. Come up with a funny quip to end a phone conversation. When you’re at the end of a phone call and want to end it with a bang, give them a silly excuse for hanging up. The key to a good joke is surprise. [8] If you want to sign off with a funny goodbye, the more random, the better. Try to keep your endings brief and punch. Then, hang up right away. Have one of these closers ready to go to exit your phone conversations with style.
    • “I’d like to say I’m sorry to hang up, but I’m not.”
    • “Oh my god! It’s coming right at me!”
    • “I don’t actually have to go, but I’m going to pretend I have a pressing appointment.”
    • “Hey, I’ll talk to you later. I’m late for a very important nap.”
    • “I have to go. My people need me.”
    • “I don’t want to be rude, but I do want to hang up now. Bye!”
    • “I have to hang up now. My dog is having an existential crisis.”
    • “Well…I gotta go see a guy about a baboon.”
    • “Sorry. My grandpa keeps barking, and I have to go see if he’s out of Milkbones.”
Section 11 of 11:

How to Be Funny over the Phone

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  1. Pay attention to what other people find funny. [9] Because you’re answering your phone, you probably have a good idea of who is calling you. If a friend calls you, try to think of the type of humor they usually enjoy.
    • Some people like ridiculous exaggerations. Others prefer clever wordplay. A few can’t resist a fart joke.
    • Consider whether a funny comment is appropriate for the call. For example, calls with work colleagues might not be the right time to make every joke.
    • Racist, sexist, and crude humor can be extremely offensive to some people. Similarly, jokes about religion, political beliefs, and other belief systems are also touchy.
  2. 2
    Memorize a few ways to answer the phone that you find funny. Sharing humor with others can be a great way to forge stronger connections and even help reduce tension. [10] If you want to bring some humor to your phone conversations, try learning a few lines to always have on hand.
    • Notice movie quotes, witty statements, and funny internet memes that match your style of humor, and alter them to fit a phone call if you can.
  3. Relaxing and letting yourself laugh more is key to being funnier on the phone…and in the rest of your life. Plus, it just makes you feel better. [11] So, try to find more humor in everyday life and make other people laugh whether you’re on the phone or chatting in person.
    • Don’t forget to laugh at yourself and find humor in life’s misfortunes.
    • Make laughing more a priority in your life, and you’ll soon hear more laughter on the other end of the phone!
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.scienceofpeople.com/how-to-be-funny/
      2. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/mental-health/wellbeing/laughter-is-the-best-medicine
      3. ↑ https://www.bbc.com/news/business-51753191
      4. ↑ https://nofilmschool.com/commit-to-the-bit
      5. ↑ https://cleancomedians.com/what-is-observational-humor/
      6. ↑ https://consumer.ftc.gov/articles/phone-scams
      7. ↑ https://www.entrepreneur.com/growing-a-business/how-to-be-funny-in-the-workplace/341354
      8. ↑ https://www.standupcomedyclinic.com/whats-the-key-to-a-good-joke/
      9. ↑ https://practicalpie.com/how-to-be-funny-10-tips-to-improve-your-sense-of-humor/
      1. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/relationships/communication/managing-conflicts-with-humor
      2. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/mental-health/wellbeing/laughter-is-the-best-medicine

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