What to say to a workplace gaslighter and when to get HR involved
You've likely heard the term "gaslighting" with respect to romantic relationships—but it can, and does, happen in the workplace as well. Workplace gaslighting can destroy your professional confidence and make you question your value to your employer. If you think you're being gaslit at work—whether by your boss, a coworker, or even a client—it's time to take action. Read on to learn how to identify gaslighting in the workplace and what you can do to overcome it.
This article is based on an interview with our licensed marriage and family therapist, Fernando Campos, founder of Avant-Garde Therapy. Check out the full interview here.
Things You Should Know
- A workplace gaslighter preys on your insecurities to control you and minimize your impact at work. They can keep you from making contributions and being productive.
- Reduce the impact of gaslighting in the workplace by maintaining a calm, emotionally neutral demeanor. Don't antagonize or confront a gaslighter.
- Talk to trusted managers and coworkers, or report to human resources if you're the target of gaslighting in the workplace so you can get out of the situation.
Steps
Section 2 of 4:
Signs of Workplace Gaslighting
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The gaslighter makes persistent negative comments about your work performance. Even when you're getting praise from elsewhere, a gaslighter continuously puts down your work. They make it seem as though you're not contributing or that you constantly make mistakes. [2] X Research source
- What they might say: "That report was sub-par," "I see you were too lazy to follow up on my email," "I can always count on you to wait until the last minute to submit your work."
- How to respond: It's best to ignore these comments as much as possible. You might say, "I'm sorry you feel that way." If you have positive feedback from others, you might say, "The clients are pleased and that's all that matters."
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The gaslighter belittles or mocks you with sarcasm. They make snarky or snide comments about you or your work performance but try to play it off as a joke. They might make fun of your appearance or give you back-handed compliments. [3] X Trustworthy Source Harvard Business Review Online and print journal covering topics related to business management practices Go to source
- What they might say: "Nice to see you looking so professional today," (when you're dressed casually), or, "I've heard a messy desk is a sign of a genius—no wonder your desk is always so clean."
- How to respond: If they bring up something related to you personally, you might say, "I don't appreciate you questioning my intelligence," or "Let's stick to the facts instead of your opinion on my personal appearance."
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The gaslighter says or does something and then denies it. They might make promises to you or dangle a reward, such as a bonus or promotion, if you do something for them. When you do whatever they asked, they'll insist they never promised anything in exchange.
- What they might say: "I never said that," "I don't know what you're talking about," "You're crazy if you think I'd agree to that."
- How to respond: Unless you have concrete proof, it's no use arguing the point. You might say, "We'll just have to agree to disagree on that," or "We must be remembering things differently. I think it's best we just move on."
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The gaslighter frequently forgets things you said or did. You can tell them something or send them an email, and then when you follow up later, they swear you never did it. They might claim that an email must've been sent to spam or blame it on their assistant. They're so adamant they make you question if you really did what you were previously certain you did. [4] X Research source
- What they might say: "I never got that email from you," "I don't remember you asking for time off," or "You never told me that client called."
- How to respond: You might say "We're clearly remembering this differently." Make sure you maintain a paper trail of all communication with the gaslighter, such as CC'ing others on emails or sending an email to their assistant to confirm scheduled meetings.
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The gaslighter shifts your responsibilities or job description without warning. When you finish a task, the gaslighter will inform you that there were other aspects of that task you were supposed to take care of as well—even though they were never mentioned before. If you were always supposed to email them rough drafts of your report, suddenly you're also supposed to present them with a paper copy.
- What they might say: "Didn't you get the memo?" "This was mentioned at the meeting last week."
- How to respond: Make a note of the change and run it by other employees in your department if you can. If your job duties have shifted dramatically, you might also mention this to a manager higher up or someone in human resources.
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The gaslighter minimizes or casts doubt on your successes. It's normal to be excited when you do something great at work or get the attention of higher-ups. A gaslighter will make you doubt yourself and wonder if you should even be proud of your accomplishments. They'll make it seem like whatever you did wasn't that great after all—anyone could've done it. [5] X Research source
- What they might say: "You think that was good?" "Those results were expected, it's nothing to brag about."
- How to respond: Let them know that even though you acknowledge their thoughts, your feelings are valid. You might say, "You might have a different perspective, but I'm entitled to celebrate this."
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The gaslighter spreads negative rumors or gossip about you. When gossip is swirling around the workplace, it can be difficult to uncover where it came from. But if it consistently comes from the same person, they might be gaslighting. By spreading gossip, they're trying to turn other coworkers against you so that you lose your support network. Shut down the rumors among your coworkers by explaining the truth of the situation. [6] X Research source
- What they might say: This will typically be rumors or gossip that relates to your personal life or your character, rather than your work performance.
- How to respond: If you have proof that they started the rumors, you might present it to them and say, "I'd appreciate it if you refrain from discussing my personal life at work going forward."
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The gaslighter excludes you from meetings or networking opportunities. They might tell you that there's no reason for you to be at a meeting when you know it would be helpful for your job. If your gaslighter is your boss, they might schedule you to be somewhere else intentionally so you can't present your own ideas or meet new clients. They might also simply not tell you about a meeting or opportunity at all and just leave you in the dark. [7] X Trustworthy Source Harvard Business Review Online and print journal covering topics related to business management practices Go to source
- What they might say: "There's no reason for you to come to the luncheon," "It's not important for you to come to that meeting."
- How to respond: Make connections with other people who are going to be at these events so you're not dependent solely on the gaslighter for information. Keep yourself in the loop while ignoring them as much as possible.
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The gaslighter responds to you differently in private than in public. When it's just the two of you, they might gush about your work and tell you that you're long overdue for a promotion. But when you're in a team meeting with coworkers or presenting in front of a client, they rake you over the coals and act like you're seconds away from being terminated. The idea is to confuse you so that you don't know if they're in your corner or not. [8] X Trustworthy Source Harvard Business Review Online and print journal covering topics related to business management practices Go to source
- What they might say: "We managed to complete this project in time despite your dawdling," "We probably would've increased sales by an additional 50% if not for you."
- How to respond: Avoid confronting them in front of others—they'll just get defensive and you won't get anything accomplished. You might say, "I'd prefer if we left personal attacks out of this," or "Can we stick to the subject at hand and leave the personal stuff out of it?"
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The gaslighter accuses other people of doing something they do. Gaslighters like to distract people from what they do by pointing the finger at everybody else. If they're ever accused of cutting corners or violating a company policy, their first reaction is usually to claim that everybody else is doing that. [9] X Research source
- What they might say: "We'd get more done if everybody stayed off social media during working hours" (while scrolling their Facebook feed).
- How to respond: If you have proof that you're not doing the thing they're accusing you of, keep it in case you need to show someone else. If the gaslighter is in a position of authority, they might be able to convince someone that you're guilty when you're not.
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Section 3 of 4:
Overcoming Workplace Gaslighting
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Remain calm when dealing with the gaslighter. Gaslighting is a technique that works better if you're in a heightened emotional state. If you get angry or emotional with the gaslighter, it only makes things worse. Instead, stay calm and emotionally neutral.
- Getting upset or emotional is just going to set them off. When you lash out at them, they look justified in claiming that you're "crazy" or unhinged.
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Document all of your interactions with the gaslighter. To take action against a gaslighter, show that they're doing these things consistently. Establish a pattern of behavior and you'll stand a better chance of getting something done about it. [10] X Research source
- For example, you might email them reports instead of placing a paper copy on their desk. CC'ing other coworkers or managers provides you with eyewitnesses to your paper trail.
- If they schedule a meeting with you, immediately email them confirming the date and time for the meeting and put it on a shared calendar. Then, if they try to claim you got the date or time wrong, you'll have proof.
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Get feedback from management or other coworkers. The whole point of gaslighting is to make you question your reality and your understanding of your contributions at work. If other people you work with can confirm your contributions and validate your feelings about your performance, your gaslighter will have less power over you. [11] X Trustworthy Source Harvard Business Review Online and print journal covering topics related to business management practices Go to source
- For example, if they're making negative comments about your performance, you might ask another supervisor for feedback. If they give you positive comments, tell them about the negative comments you got from the gaslighter.
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Avoid the gaslighter as much as possible. The best way to deal with a gaslighter is to give them as little attention as possible. They want you to be isolated and dependent on them—the more independent you are, the better. When you do have to interact with them, stick to the facts and don't engage them personally at all. [12] X Research source
- Trying to expose the gaslighter one-on-one is usually just going to cause more conflict and likely won't resolve the situation.
- If the gaslighter is your manager or direct report, you might want to explore other opportunities at your organization or even consider finding a position elsewhere. [13] X Trustworthy Source Harvard Business Review Online and print journal covering topics related to business management practices Go to source
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Focus on self-care with support from trusted friends and colleagues. Self-care is extremely important when you're the target of gaslighting. Your gaslighter is trying to fill you with self-doubt—but they can't do that if you're constantly reinforcing your confidence. Lean on close friends and colleagues to remind you of your value and worth, both at work and in life. [14] X Trustworthy Source Harvard Business Review Online and print journal covering topics related to business management practices Go to source
- While there's never any guarantee, it's possible that if you refuse to break down and consistently show yourself as a strong, confident, professional person, your gaslighter will back off of you and find another target.
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Report the behavior to management or human resources. If you have documentation of persistent behavior on the part of your gaslighter and they've made work a living nightmare for you, it's time to get someone higher-up involved. Schedule a sit-down meeting and present your evidence, sticking to the facts that you can prove. Avoid making any personal comments about the person gaslighting you. [15] X Research source
- If you're not sure about your employer's policy for reporting this type of behavior, talk to someone higher up the chain who you respect and trust. Ask them to help you report the situation.
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Tips
- Keep in mind that gaslighting often isn't intentional. The gaslighter might not be aware of exactly what they're doing—they're just trying to protect their position and distract from their own insecurities.Thanks
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References
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/communication-success/202007/7-signs-of-gaslighting-at-the-workplace
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/communication-success/202007/7-signs-of-gaslighting-at-the-workplace
- ↑ https://hbr.org/2021/09/how-to-intervene-when-a-manager-is-gaslighting-their-employees
- ↑ https://www.jucm.com/thats-not-what-happened-how-to-deal-with-gaslighting-in-the-workplace/
- ↑ https://www.jucm.com/thats-not-what-happened-how-to-deal-with-gaslighting-in-the-workplace/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/communication-success/202007/7-signs-of-gaslighting-at-the-workplace
- ↑ https://hbr.org/2021/09/how-to-intervene-when-a-manager-is-gaslighting-their-employees
- ↑ https://hbr.org/2021/09/how-to-intervene-when-a-manager-is-gaslighting-their-employees
- ↑ https://business.wisc.edu/news/combatting-gaslighting-in-the-workplace/
- ↑ https://business.wisc.edu/news/combatting-gaslighting-in-the-workplace/
- ↑ https://hbr.org/2020/11/ask-an-expert-what-should-i-do-if-my-boss-is-gaslighting-me
- ↑ https://business.wisc.edu/news/combatting-gaslighting-in-the-workplace/
- ↑ https://hbr.org/2020/11/ask-an-expert-what-should-i-do-if-my-boss-is-gaslighting-me
- ↑ https://hbr.org/2020/11/ask-an-expert-what-should-i-do-if-my-boss-is-gaslighting-me
- ↑ https://www.jucm.com/thats-not-what-happened-how-to-deal-with-gaslighting-in-the-workplace/
- ↑ https://www.eeoc.gov/harassment
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