How to Ask Your Child to Move Out (Without Ruining Your Relationship)

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Expert-approved guidance on motivating an adult kid
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Young adults these days are not moving out on their own after graduating high school or college the way that they used to. In fact, it’s now more common for a kid to live at home with their parents after graduating than it is for them to strike out on their own. These “failure to launch” situations are now the norm. But there is a line where sticking around to get your bearings becomes overstaying your welcome. We sat down with licensed family therapist Anna Svetchnikov, LMFT and psychotherapist Killi Miller, LCSW, MSW, to get some expert insight on how you can help your kid spread their wings and leave the nest.

How to Get Your Grown Child to Move Out

Pick a calm time to sit down with your child and ask them what they want out of life. Have an open, honest discussion about their goals and then frame moving out as a step towards achieving those goals. Provide support and love as they adjust to their new direction.

Section 1 of 5:

How to Ask Your Child to Move Out

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  1. 1
    Ask about their goals (and how moving out can help them meet them). You can demand that they move out, but it'd be more effective to convince them to want to move out. Miller says, “the first way would be to ask the child what their goals are. Because as humans, we really only do things if we want them ourselves.” If you can frame moving out as being what's most helpful for your child to achieve their goals, they may be more likely to take that step.
    • Choose a relaxed time to have the convo when everyone is in a good mood.
    • Show a united front if you have a partner or co-parent. It's very common for one parent to want a child to move out and the other parent to be resistant to the idea, but it's important to be on the same page.
    • What if my child says they’re happy staying home? In this case, reframe the question around their goals in life. You might say, “Do you really want to be living at home? Or do you want to pursue your dreams and goals?” or, “How does staying here get you closer to completing your degree? I know you needed a break year, but isn’t it time to move back to campus?”
  2. 2
    Talk to your child about their timeline based on their goals. Miller goes on, “Once they admit they want to move, talk about their goals. What do they want to do? Where do they see themselves in a year? Five years? Then, help them make those plans.” This could take the form of a concrete timeline for them to save up enough to move, or a set date where they have to be ready, or have a job.
    • What if my child doesn’t know what they want in life? Then now is the time to start figuring it out. Maybe they need to start therapy, talk to their school’s career center, or meet with a temp agency to figure out some intermediate steps.
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  3. 3
    Set a concrete date for them to move out. Miller says it’s best to be flexible on a concrete date, but that it’s essential everyone agrees on one. “You must establish a deadline. So, your child knows they have these goals and now they have an agreed-upon plan for when to move out. It could be three months, six months, something like that. Whatever you and your child both feel comfortable with.”
    • It’s totally up to you if you want to set a “soft” deadline (like “move out in April”) versus a hard date (like “move out April 20th”). Go with whatever option seems most appropriate based on your kid’s personality.
  4. 4
    Get excited with your child for their new journey. Avoid blaming your child or making them feel like this is a punishment—because it’s not. This is the next big step on the exciting journey of their life! You might ask them questions like:
    • “Do you want help apartment hunting? I know you’ve always wanted a spare room for recording music, we can totally find that!”
    • “You always wanted to live with Ron, right? You two have always been best friends and I know you mentioned Ron was looking for a new place.”
    • “We can go shopping once you find a place! We can pick out some fun furniture, new sheets, clothes, all of it!”
  5. 5
    Remind your child that you love them and are there to help. An “I love you” goes a really long way here, so hug your kid and let them know you’ve got their back. If you can, and want to, provide any kind of material help, let your child know now so that you can end the conversation on a high note that still reinforces your plan.
    • You might offer to throw them some cash to help with the deposit on an apartment, or let them pick some furniture from the home that they can take with them.
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Section 2 of 5:

Key Questions to Ask Yourself

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  1. 1
    Are you trying to move them out because staying isn’t “normal”? We no longer live in a world where children finish school and immediately leave home forever. It has become increasingly more common for young adult children to stay with their parents for a while as they start (or prepare to start) their careers. So, if you want your child to move because you’re self-conscious about living at home being unhealthy or abnormal, don’t fret. This is the new norm, and it can even be beneficial in some cases.
    • Roughly 60% of young adults under 25 live at home. It is no longer a given that young adults are expected to move out, and your child (and their peers) know that. [1]
    • Children who stay at home a little bit longer are better off financially. The vast majority of adult children who live at home are doing so because they’re saving some serious money. This can radically improve their future life if they aren’t forced to live paycheck to paycheck. [2]
    • It’s no longer considered “weird” to live with your folks. There were some huge stigmas around young adult children living with parents in the past, but that has gone the way of the dodo. Kids today realize how hard it can be to start out, so they don’t judge their peers for staying home. [3]
  2. 2
    Are there any underlying issues your child needs to address first? It’s possible that your child is struggling to move out because they’re dealing with something else that’s dampening their motivation. Do they seem depressed ? Are they going through a breakup or some other major life event? It may help to address whatever is going on beneath the surface before you decide to nudge them out the door. [4]
  3. 3
    Does your child seem motivated to move out? If it’s clear that your kid is yearning to get moving, it may be best to give them some time to sort things out—in these cases, kids often move on their own because they want to. Perhaps they just need time to save up enough for a deposit, or maybe they really want a job in their career field before they move out. [5]
    • There’s nothing wrong with casually asking your child what their plan is if they seem like enough of a self-starter to want to move on their own.
  4. 4
    Are you enabling your child to stay at your home? Svetchnikov says, “Sometimes the only way to really get an adult child to be independent is to stop feeding into their learned helplessness. An adult kid at home may have this learned helplessness where it feels like an all-inclusive vacation. And who wants to leave the all-inclusive vacation? So, you need to bring something, some consequences, some real life struggles to teach them.”
    • If this applies to you, it may be time to stop doing your child’s laundry, cooking for them, or cleaning up after them. That alone can be enough of a motivator to move out.
    • Is your child staying at home really about your anxiety? If you’re scared to let your child leave the nest, that’s 100% normal. It is, however, something you may want to work on .
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Section 3 of 5:

Compromises & Alternative Arrangements

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  1. 1
    Charge rent if your child doesn’t take any important steps to move out. If you’re still on the fence about pushing your child to leave but you aren’t comfortable letting them lounge around all day, you could consider charging them rent. That is, charge them rent unless they take the big steps they need to make to get ready to move out and start their life. In other words, tell them it’s time to get a job, go back to school, or move out. [6]
    • Can I just charge them rent regardless of what they do? Sure, but the question then is what the point of charging rent is. If they’re already able to move out or you want them out period, charging rent is much more passive-aggressive than just asking them to move.
    • You don’t have to charge a “competitive” rent. If your child isn’t working all that much (or at all), feel free to set an abnormally low rent. They may still be motivated to get their own place even if you just charge them a symbolic amount.
  2. 2
    Move their room if you just want them out of your hair. If this is really more about your child bugging you by getting all up in your business all the time, you might consider just moving where their room is (permitted you have the space). If you have a spare room in the basement, a carriage house, or a garage you aren’t using, maybe move their room there?
    • This can also be a great way to gently nudge an adult child out of the door. Nothing will motivate someone to move faster than being sent to live in the basement.
  3. 3
    Provide some financial help if they just can’t save up to move. If this is really just about your child not being able to afford to move out (which is super common), the solution here may be very straightforward. If you can afford it, you might offer to help your child pay the deposit on a new apartment, cover the cost of moving and furniture, or provide some other material help. [7]
    • Avoid giving your child money directly. If you keep paying your kid to buy things they need, there’s no way to confirm that’s how they’re spending the money.
    • Even co-signing on an apartment can be huge. In some housing markets, the requirements are pretty high for renters. If they need it, you could offer to co-sign for them.
  4. 4
    Let them stay if they follow your guidelines. If this is more about your child’s behavior, it’s time to set some concrete boundaries . Sit your child down and lay out your ground rules. Be extremely clear about the fact that this is your home and they’re a guest who only gets to stay if you allow it. [8]
    • You might set boundaries around not allowing more than one guest over, when they’re allowed to play music, what they’re allowed to take from the fridge, and so on.
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Section 4 of 5:

When to Give an Ultimatum

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  1. If softer approaches have failed, it might be time to set a move-out date. If you’ve done everything in your power to help your child move and start their life and they just won’t take any steps to make a change, set a concrete date and let them know it’s time to move. [9] You might say:
    • “We’ve tried to be supportive but you still haven’t enrolled in school or found a job. You have 60 days to find a place to stay, but it can’t be here.”
    • “We’re not punishing you. We just want the best for you, and what’s best for you is growing up and moving out. It’s time to start looking for an apartment.”
    • “I love you and I want you to be happy. I can tell you’re not happy here, and I get it. I wouldn’t want to be 28 at home, either. So, let’s get moving. By May 15th, I expect you to be living somewhere else.”
Section 5 of 5:

Final Thoughts

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  1. This is a common problem that typically solves itself. It isn’t odd for an adult child to live with their parents after they’ve surpassed 18, and it hasn’t been strange for a long time now. This is simply a consequence of how society (and our economy) has evolved; it’s just harder for young people to start out now. They work harder, earn less money, and have a harder time finding fulfilling work than any generation in modern history. [10]
    • Unless they happen to be an extremely unique young adult, your kid probably doesn’t want to be living with you either (no offense!). They’re probably pining to move out more than you want them to. They’ll be out soon enough!
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Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    What do you do when your child refuses to leave the house?
    Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
    Psychotherapist
    Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. She is the author of “Love Hacks: Simple Solutions to Your Most Common Relationship Issues” which details the top 15 relationship issues and 3 quick solutions to each. She is also the award-winning and best-selling author of “Thriving with ADHD”. Kelli co-hosted an advice show on LA Talk Radio and was a relationship expert for The Examiner. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.
    Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
    Psychotherapist
    Expert Answer
    Ask your child about what their long-term goals are—as humans, we really only do things if we want them ourselves. The first step is really talking about what they want to do and where they see themselves in the future, and potentially looking for ways to help them with those plans. At that point, you could try to establish a deadline for when they'd move out.
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    Not Helpful 5 Helpful 12
  • Question
    My 37-year-old son, his wife, and their 4 children have lived with me for 1 1/2 years. They have had 4 months notice to leave, and pay no bills so they could save, but they haven't saved. What can I do?
    Community Answer
    Give them a 4 week notice and then apply for an eviction order. You've given them plenty of chances at this point, and they'll continue to walk all over you if you let them.
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  • Question
    How can I write a letter to my adult daughters asking them to move out since I plan to sell my house?
    Community Answer
    Inform them that you are selling the house, and they need to find alternative accommodation. Make it clear that they will not be able to move to your new place.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
    Thank you for your feedback.
    If wikiHow has helped you, please consider a small contribution to support us in helping more readers like you. We’re committed to providing the world with free how-to resources, and even $1 helps us in our mission. Support wikiHow
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.census.gov/content/dam/Census/library/visualizations/time-series/demo/families-and-households/ad-1.pdf
      2. ↑ https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2022/03/24/financial-issues-top-the-list-of-reasons-u-s-adults-live-in-multigenerational-homes/
      3. ↑ https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2018/feb/28/michael-b-jordan-live-with-parents-millennials-shame
      4. ↑ https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/children-and-young-adults/advice-for-parents/children-depressed-signs/
      5. ↑ https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/rules-boundaries-and-older-children-part-ii-in-response-to-questions-about-older-children-living-at-home/
      6. ↑ https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/article/2024/may/04/adult-kids-back-home-should-i-charge-rent
      7. ↑ https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/article/2024/may/04/adult-kids-back-home-should-i-charge-rent
      8. ↑ https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/article/2024/may/04/adult-kids-back-home-should-i-charge-rent
      9. ↑ https://nexttribe.com/magazine/kicking-your-child-out/
      1. ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/the_younger_generation_isnt_lazy_theyre_burned_out

      About This Article

      Article Summary X

      The easiest way to get your adult child to move out is to ask them to move out. Don't overthink it, just say something like "Jake, I think it's time you move out of the house." If they respond with excuses about why this isn't possible, answer them with facts, such as by explaining they could rent a smaller place if they say they can't afford to live alone. Then, set a deadline for your child to move out and explain that if they want to stay on longer, they will have to pay rent, and contribute to bills and other service charges. For tips on how to tell if your child is taking advantage of you by staying at home, read on!

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