Expert Advice on Using No Contact to Reconnect with Your Ex

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Get your ex to miss you and want you back
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Going through a breakup is tough, but it can be even tougher if you know in your heart that the two of you could've made things work. If your ex recently ended things and you want to get them back, the no-contact rule can help. Cutting your ex completely out of your life, even temporarily, can trigger them to think back fondly on the good times you shared—and maybe even become open to giving it another shot. We talked to licensed clinical psychologist Sarah Schewitz as well as dating and relationship coach Suzanne Mathews to find out how you can use the no-contact rule to heal from a breakup so you're ready to start anew.

Getting Your Ex Back with the No-Contact Rule

If you want another shot with your ex, tell them you won't be reaching out for a while but be vague about how long. Not knowing when they'll hear from you again could trigger them to think about the things they like and miss about you. Reach out to them when you feel confident and have no lingering anger or sadness.

Part 1
Part 1 of 3:

Starting No Contact

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    This is a more mature and respectful way to handle things, as opposed to ghosting your ex. It will also help cut down on them reaching out to you, which will tempt you to talk to them. Avoiding contact with them gives you space to process the complex emotions you have after the breakup. [1]
    • For example, you might say, "I need time to process, so don't expect to hear from me for a while."
    • Be vague about how long you want to stay no-contact. If your ex asks, just be honest and say something like "I don't know—I just need some time to myself to regroup."
    • Avoid giving them an exact date or telling them it's temporary. They'll miss you more if they don't know that they'll hear from you in a month or two.
  2. 2
    Plan how long you want the no-contact period to last. In the immediate aftermath of a breakup, it's not a good idea to make any important life decisions—and getting involved in another relationship is an important life decision. You need some time to sort out your emotions so you can think with a clear head. [2]
    • How long do you need? You'll see people say "30 days" or "6 weeks"—the truth is, the process is different for every person and every relationship, but these can serve as guidelines.
    • Coming up with a time limit at first will help make it easier for you to handle not reaching out to your ex because it's just a temporary thing. After a couple of weeks, though, you'll likely get used to not talking to them.
    • Mathews agrees that "even if your instinct is to reach back out after a couple of days or a couple of weeks, hold on, do not do that prematurely, because your chances of actually getting the person back" are much greater if you wait for the flood of emotions that follows a breakup to subside. [3]
    • Schewitz notes that "there is a true grieving process that happens in a breakup just like if you lost somebody to death... so let yourself feel it." [4]
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    If you and your ex work or go to school together, or if you have children together, complete no-contact might not make sense. This might also be the case if you happen to run into each other in public and can't avoid interacting. Just adjust the rule so that it suits your situation, keeping the following in mind: [5]
    • Let your ex know that you only want to talk to them for specific reasons. For example, you might say, "Don't call or text me unless it's something about the kids."
    • Don't initiate conversations with your ex unless it's for a logistical reason or is related to the reason you can't go complete no-contact (such as a work-related reason).
    • If they contact you, be polite but firm and keep your response brief. You might want to remind them that you don't want to be in contact with them right now.
    • If they start to talk personally and you're not ready for that, immediately end the conversation. You might say, "I appreciate your concern, but I'm not ready to talk to you about that yet."
    Natalie Lue, Breakup Recovery Coach

    When initiating no contact after a breakup, wholly committing to cutting ties is key—block their number, unfollow social media, remove visible reminders. This clean break allows you to heal, detach, gain perspective, and improve yourself. Ultimately, no contact focuses on working on you, not getting them back.

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Part 2
Part 2 of 3:

Maintaining No Contact

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    "No contact" doesn't just mean talking to your ex directly—it also includes less direct methods of communication, such as social media. Block your ex on social media and you'll find it much easier to resist the urge to post things that are intended as a message for your ex. You might even tell mutual friends that you don't want to hear anything about your ex for a while. [6]
    • If you're using the more standard form of no-contact, you don't have a personal relationship with your ex at all—it's almost as though you pretend they don't exist for a while.
    • For Schewitz, though, this doesn't have to be so strict. She feels that it's fine if you "need to reach out every once in a while." [7]
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    Practice self-care and boost your confidence . Being in a relationship likely altered your life in a few ways because when you're with someone, you spend a lot of time with them. Now is the time to fill that extra time with things that will enable you to expand and feel whole as a person. Here are some ideas to help you get back to yourself: [8]
    • Start a new hobby or pick up an old one that you'd stopped doing
    • Spend time with friends and family for emotional support
    • Meet new people who don't know you as part of a couple
    • Exercise for at least 15 to 20 minutes a day
    • Write in a journal and start a meditation practice to grieve the loss of your relationship and understand your emotions
    • Set new personal goals based on what you want to accomplish
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    Don't shy away from posting pics and updates from all the activities you're doing and social events you're attending. If you and your ex haven't blocked each other, it's possible they'll see these posts and start to miss you a little—especially if your life seems fun-filled and exciting! Even if you have blocked each other, it's likely they'll hear about all the things you've been doing through mutual friends.
    • If you're worried that your ex will forget about you and move on during the no-contact period, lean on mutual friends to remind them of you from time to time.
    • At the same time, Mathews cautions you to "just check your motivation [and] do what you want to do because you want to do it, not because you think it's going to elicit a certain response from somebody else." [9]
    • Schewitz is more open about the idea of intentionally posting something to make your ex jealous: "Is it your best moment? Probably not. Is it gonna kill or hurt anyone? Probably not that big of a deal. To make you feel better, as long as you're not hurting somebody in the process, I don't think it's the end of the world, but certainly not the most mature way to go about it." [10]
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    The process of recovering from a breakup isn't linear—there will probably be times when you're pretty upset with your ex and are tempted to complain to your friends or online. But these words could get back to your ex and if you want to get back together with them, you don't want them to think you're still mad at them. [11]
    • You don't have to praise your ex if that doesn't feel authentic. You don't have to lie about how you feel about them either. Just try to keep a positive outlook to it.
    • For example, if someone asks if you're still friends with your ex, you might say, "I'm taking some time to myself right now, but I'm open to a potential friendship in the future."
    • This is especially important if you and your ex have children together. It can be really harmful for kids to hear one of their parents badmouthing the other. [12]
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Part 3
Part 3 of 3:

Getting Back with Your Ex

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    Once the no-contact period is over, reflect on your feelings towards your ex. If you feel confident in yourself and also feel like it's worth giving that relationship another shot, reach out to them and let them know.
    • For example, you might say, "Hey, I was just thinking about you. It's been a while. Feel like grabbing coffee somewhere and catching up?"
    • If you don't feel like you're ready, it's fine to extend the no-contact period (even indefinitely). Schewitz notes that it's different for everyone, but if "you haven't figured out why this happened for you and not to you, you're still kind of in a victim mentality." [13] That's not the best time to reach out.
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    Don't try to talk to your ex about the breakup until the two of you are face-to-face. When you do bring it up, don't rehash the arguments you had at the end of your relationship. Instead, own up to your part in the demise of the relationship and let your ex know that you'd like to try to start again, if that's what you want to do. [14]
    • Mathews recommends that you come from a place of "some growth and some reflection" so that you're "able to speak to what would be different" because otherwise, "you're just going to fall into the same old patterns." [15]
    • For example, you might say, "I've been thinking about everything that happened towards the end of our relationship and I just want you to know that I'm sorry. I know that I was at least partially to blame and I have some ideas to fix those issues."
    • Keep it kind of vague at first to give them room to ask you questions about it and open up. When they talk, listen actively to what they're saying. Remember—they'll be more receptive to giving the relationship another shot if they feel heard.
    • Showing that you're willing to own your contribution to the breakup will likely encourage them to take responsibility for their own part. This enables the two of you to heal together.
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    If the two of you decide that you want to try to rekindle the flame, it's best to start from scratch. Whatever relationship you have now is a new relationship and communication is key. Schewitz counts communication as one of the most important aspects of a healthy relationship. [16]
    • "Healthy communication involves sharing how you feel... understanding your partner's perspective, [and] validating your partner's perspective," Schewitz notes.
    • Schewitz goes on to explain that "70% of relationship problems are not solvable, they don't need a physical, tangible solution. The person just needs to be heard and understood and validated and empathized with." [17]
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      Tips

      • If you're having a tough time dealing with your emotions after a breakup, talk to a therapist. They can help you process and suggest healthy coping strategies so you can move on. [18]
        Thanks
      • If you're the one who broke up with your ex, the no-contact rule likely won't work for you (although your ex might want to use it). If you've had a change of heart, just reach out and tell them directly. See what they have to say and go from there.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://headspace.org.au/explore-topics/for-young-people/relationship-breakup/
      2. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/dealing-with-a-breakup-or-divorce.htm
      3. ↑ Suzanna Mathews. Dating & Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 18 August 2021.
      4. ↑ Sarah Schewitz, PsyD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 15 April 2019.
      5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/having-sex-wanting-intimacy/201612/4-reasons-end-contact-your-ex
      6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/having-sex-wanting-intimacy/201612/4-reasons-end-contact-your-ex
      7. ↑ Sarah Schewitz, PsyD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 15 April 2019.
      8. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/dealing-with-a-breakup-or-divorce.htm
      9. ↑ Suzanna Mathews. Dating & Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 18 August 2021.
      1. ↑ Sarah Schewitz, PsyD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 15 April 2019.
      2. ↑ https://headspace.org.au/explore-topics/for-young-people/relationship-breakup/
      3. ↑ https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/coping-with-divorce-or-breakup
      4. ↑ Sarah Schewitz, PsyD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 15 April 2019.
      5. ↑ Suzanna Mathews. Dating & Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 18 August 2021.
      6. ↑ Suzanna Mathews. Dating & Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 18 August 2021.
      7. ↑ Sarah Schewitz, PsyD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 15 April 2019.
      8. ↑ Sarah Schewitz, PsyD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 15 April 2019.
      9. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/dealing-with-a-breakup-or-divorce.htm
      10. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/dealing-with-a-breakup-or-divorce.htm
      11. ↑ Lisa Shield. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 11 March 2021.

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