How to Get an Emotionally Unavailable Man to Chase You

Co-authored by John Keegan and Jessica Gibson

Last Updated: May 6, 2024 Fact Checked

Falling for a guy who’s emotionally unavailable can be so tough—he might be afraid of relationships in general or struggle with commitment. Luckily, you can get him to open up to the idea and even pursue a relationship if you put him at ease. In this article, we'll tell you how to get his attention and how to connect with the unavailable man in your life—he'll be after you in no time!

1

Flirt, but let him take the lead.

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Show him your playful side to get him interested in pursuing you. Flirting is a delicate balance of signaling your interest, but not coming off too strong—especially since this guy isn't necessarily looking for a romantic relationship. Keep your flirting light and give him the chance to make a move, so it doesn't seem like you're the one chasing him. Here are a few great flirting tactics:
- Mirror his behavior. For instance, if he's leaning forward to talk to you, draw in close.
- Lightly touch his arm while you're talking.
- Make eye contact for a few seconds before looking away.

2

Pay him thoughtful compliments.

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Say something nice about his personality so he feels seen. Sometimes, a guy gets tired of playing the dating game—which is why he shuts off emotionally. Instead of laying on tons of flattery, which can make you look clingy, be really specific and point out one of his great personality traits . Unlike typical compliments, a genuine compliment can surprise and hook an emotionally available guy because it'll make him realize that you totally get him.
- For example, instead of saying, "Hey, I like your car," say, "I really like that you take so much pride in taking care of your car." Or instead of saying, "You're really handsome," say, "I love your sense of style."

3

Reassure him with physical touch.

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Put an emotionally skittish guy at ease by closing the distance between you. Just because he's afraid of a relationship doesn't mean he doesn't crave a physical connection. Stand close to him, put your arm around his shoulder, or rest your hand on his. ^{[1]
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- Being close can reduce his anxiety, so he feels more comfortable talking with you. The more comfortable he is, the more likely he is to pursue you.

4

Create sexual tension.

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This will drive him crazy and get him to actively pursue you. To create sexual tension , do something a little risky or vulnerable like asking a revealing question or getting into his personal space. He'll see this as a challenge, especially if you pull away afterward.
- For instance, lean in really close and whisper a personal question like, "What's the naughtiest thing you've ever done?" Then, sit back and just wait for his response.
- Tell a slightly revealing anecdote like, "You'll never believe what a guy said to me the last time I was at this bar." Lean in and then say, "Well, actually I'm not sure if I should tell you..."
- If you're at a club or in an intimate setting, get close to him and whisper in his ear. You don't even have to say something sexy—just being that close can feel really personal.

5

Act confident and aloof.

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Play hard to get , so he realizes he's interested in you. An emotionally unavailable guy might tell himself that he's not interested in a relationship, but he won't be able to resist a challenge! People are drawn to confidence, so speak up and share your opinions. At the same time, don't reveal too much personal information—he'll be dying to learn more about you. ^{[2]
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- For instance, if you're at the same party or club, make a point of moving around the room and talking with people—act bold and outgoing. Then, say hi to him, but don't spend all your time trying to have a conversation with the guy.
- If you're chatting with him, say something like, "Am I in a relationship? I don't think you could handle being in a relationship with me—most guys can't hack it."
- You could say something like, "After my last relationship, I told myself I'd only date guys that could handle me—I'm still looking."

6

Keep busy with your own life.

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Let him see that you're not always available and he'll start craving your company. Most guys can't resist a challenge, and if you're too busy to hang out, he'll make it his personal mission to meet up. An emotionally unavailable man will also love the fact that you don't seem emotionally invested in him—after all, you're spending time with friends and pursuing your own interests.
- You don't need to call or text him to tell him what you've been up to—just post pictures or updates on your social media for him to see.

7

Pursue other relationships.

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Focus on other people so he feels like he needs to pursue you. If you're too available, he probably won't be interested. Instead, feel free to keep exploring the dating scene. Plus, you deserve to be with someone who appreciates you—this will give you the chance to make more awesome romantic connections.
- Let him know that you're seeing other people but don't go out with others just to make the emotionally unavailable guy jealous. See other guys because you truly want to.

8

Take the pressure off of him.

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Enjoy a casual relationship, so he can open up to you in time. If he asks you out and you two start seeing each other, don't ask him for an emotional attachment right away. By not pressuring him to express his feelings or commit to you, he'll feel more comfortable and connected to you. ^{[3]
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- Keep in mind that you should only be in relationships that feel good. If you feel like you're always compromising or giving up on things that are important to you, think about if you really want to be with him.

9

Match his level of interest.

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Give him a chance to put effort into the relationship. If you're always the one doing thoughtful things or checking in, take a step back. He'll feel more emotionally invested in your relationship if he's also putting in a little effort. If you're doing a lot to show you care or to stay in touch, he may feel overwhelmed. With an emotionally unavailable guy, it's actually better to do less. ^{[4]
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- For example, don't always be the one to set up dates. Try alternating, so he reaches out as much as you do.
- Or, you might wait to message him until he texts you to see how your week is going.

10

Enjoy living in the moment.

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Resist the urge to talk about the future or you could scare him off. An emotionally unavailable man might struggle with commitment, but you can put him at ease by simply being spontaneous and having fun in the moment. Wait to make future plans until he's the one to bring them up. ^{[5]
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- While you might hope that he eventually connects emotionally, it's best to appreciate him for who is now without trying to change him.
- It's completely acceptable to establish personal boundaries to protect yourself from getting hurt. For instance, you might tell him that you enjoy dating, but that you won't make the relationship physical.

11

Text him sparingly.

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Keep your texts short, so he doesn't feel overwhelmed. Resist the urge to text him whenever you think of him or you're bored—frequently texting or messaging large blocks of text can stress him out. Instead, send brief messages every once in a while. Be casual over text and when you do message him, offer sweet gestures (instead of telling him how much you like him!). ^{[6]
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- Instead of sending him a text explaining how much you love him or how important he is to you, send him a quick text where you do something thoughtful. For instance, text him, "In the mood for your favorite takeout? My treat."
- For example, instead of calling and asking him two or three times to go out to a concert with you, send him a single text that's really laid back like, "Concert this weekend? Let me know."

12

Watch for signs that he likes you.

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This way you know the best time to make a move. If you've been seeing your guy for a while and you're starting to feel an emotional connection, he might be feeling it, too. When this happens, it might be time to talk about your relationship and what you both want out of it. Here are a few signs that your emotionally unavailable guy might be starting to open up: ^{[7]
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- He introduces you to friends or family.
- He tells you he misses you.
- He calls or texts more often.
- He makes time for you and asks you out more.
- He starts talking about the future with you.

13

Get him to miss you after you stop seeing him.

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Give him freedom, and he may realize what he's losing. If your relationship has hit a point where you need emotional connection and you don't think he's going to give you that, try going no contact. Tell him things are great, but he needs some alone time to figure out what he wants. He may come to realize all that he'd be missing out on if he lost you. ^{[8]
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- Be honest and straightforward: "It seems like you need to be on your own for a while and figure out what you want. I want you to be happy. I hope that I'm here when you're ready, but I need to be with someone who's completely in."
- Remind yourself that you're an amazing person. Not only will this make you feel better, but a happy, carefree attitude can be really attractive. It may make him miss you even more!

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Question

What does an emotionally unavailable man act like?

John Keegan
Dating Coach
John Keegan is a Dating Coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. With over 10 years of professional experience, he runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health.

John Keegan

Dating Coach

Expert Answer

An emotionally unavailable man won't want to talk deeply about himself or his past experiences. He also doesn't want to discuss what his life is like now, and he's avoiding deeper conversations or actually getting into what life he wants to live in the future.

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Question

What does an emotionally unavailable man want?

John Keegan
Dating Coach
John Keegan is a Dating Coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. With over 10 years of professional experience, he runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health.

John Keegan

Dating Coach

Expert Answer

An emotionally unavailable man really likes to keep things lighthearted, since that's the plane he wants to live on at this time in his life. So, flirting and making him chase you is a good approach to take, since he might be afraid if you seem too easy to catch.

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How to Get an Emotionally Unavailable Man to Chase You

Steps

Flirt, but let him take the lead.

Pay him thoughtful compliments.

Reassure him with physical touch.

Create sexual tension.

Act confident and aloof.

Keep busy with your own life.

Pursue other relationships.

Take the pressure off of him.

Match his level of interest.

Enjoy living in the moment.

Text him sparingly.

Watch for signs that he likes you.

Get him to miss you after you stop seeing him.

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