How to Get over a Breakup You Caused

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There’s no doubt about it: breakups really suck. But they can hurt even worse when you’re the one who caused the breakup—not only are you feeling that pain, but you might also feel guilty, too. Fortunately, by looking toward the future and giving yourself time, you can heal and move on from an unfortunate breakup. In this article, we’ll tell you everything you need to know about getting over your breakup so you can feel happy and start to move on.

1

Go no contact with your ex.

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    Right after you two break up, block their number and unfollow them on social media. That way, you don’t have to keep tabs on their life and see what they’re up to on a daily basis, which can make it tough to move on. [1]
    • Even if you feel like you need to apologize for what happened, it’s a good idea to leave your ex alone for now.
    • Getting a ton of “I’m sorry” messages and calls can drag the breakup out for your ex, and it might not make you feel much better, either.
    • It can also help to set some ground rules with your ex about respecting each other's space and boundaries.
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2

Take responsibility for the breakup.

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    If you’re the one who caused the breakup, it’s natural to look at outside sources and try to shift the blame elsewhere. However, the more you can take responsibility for what happened without making excuses, the faster you can move on from it. [2]
    • If you broke up with your partner but you regret it, you might think, “I chose to break things off. It was my decision, no one else’s.”
    • If you did something to make your partner break up with you, you might think, “I am responsible for my actions.”
3

Remember the bad parts of your relationship.

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    After you break up, it’s easy to look back at the past through rose-colored glasses. However, try to remember the not-so-good parts of your relationship, too. Make a list of these things and look at it whenever you start to miss your ex. [3] Your list might say:
    • We had different goals for the future.
    • They didn’t understand my need for freedom.
    • We fought a lot over little things.
    • They didn’t get along with my friends.
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4

Turn it into a learning moment.

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    Even if the relationship ended badly, you can still take away some lessons to use during your next relationship. Think back on what happened and how you can use your past relationship to set you up for success in the future. [4]
    • If you broke things off and now you regret it, you might learn that you need to give yourself time to adjust before breaking things off at the first sign of trouble.
    • If you pushed the boundaries in your relationship and broke your partner’s trust, you might learn that you need to discuss those boundaries early-on with your new partner.
5

Forgive yourself for what happened.

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    While it’s good to take responsibility for your actions, beating yourself up over them isn’t productive. Learn what you can from what happened, then decide to forgive yourself for the past. You’ll be much happier overall, and you’ll have an easier time moving forward. [5]
    • Nobody’s perfect, and everyone makes mistakes. Keep that in mind as you work toward forgiveness and acceptance of your own actions.
    • Forgiveness is a gift for you, since it frees you from the frustration and anger of the situation.
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6

Chat with your close friends about it.

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    If you need to vent to someone about your breakup, call up a close friend or ask them to come hang out with you. Talk about what happened, why you two broke up, and how you’re feeling about it now. [6]
    • Be sure to talk to someone who won’t judge you. You want to be able to talk freely, not worry about them gossiping about you behind your back.
    • Venting to someone you trust is an important part of your personal healing and renewal after the relationship ends.
    • If you don’t feel like talking to friends is enough, reach out to a therapist for professional help.
    • Reader Poll: We asked 432 wikiHow readers who've gone through a breakup, and only 6% of them agreed that the best way to cope is by seeking professional help. [Take Poll] Always see a therapist or seek other help if you need it, but in many cases, relying on your loved ones is enough.
7

Enjoy being single.

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    While finding someone new right away might sound like a good idea, in reality, it could prolong your negative feelings from the breakup. Give yourself time to heal, and don’t start dating again until you’re really ready. [7]
    • There’s no specific timetable for how long it might take you to heal from a breakup. In general, if you can go a few days without thinking about your ex, you might be ready to move on.
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8

Look forward to finding a new relationship.

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    When you go through a breakup, it’s easy to feel like you’ll never find someone as good as your ex. However, keep in mind that there are plenty of fish in the sea, and you’re bound to find someone else you like. Your ex might have been great, but remind yourself that you will find love again. [8]
    • When the breakup is fresh, this thought might be more painful than helpful. However, as time goes on, you’ll find it comforting.
9

Make new goals for yourself.

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    When you were with your ex, you probably made a few goals and plans together. Now that you’re single, it’s time to rewrite those goals and make a few new ones of your own. Try making a list of some short-term and long-term goals to keep your mind off of things and look forward toward the future. [9] For instance:
    • Finish my degree
    • Buy a new car within the next 5 years
    • Travel abroad at least twice
    • Save up for a down payment on a house
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10

Distract yourself with your friends.

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    If you’re having a bad day or you’re just really feeling down, call up a friend and ask them to hang out. You don’t have to talk about the breakup or your ex—just do something fun to get out of the house. Ask your friend to keep you talking and to not let you dwell on what happened with your breakup. [10]
    • If you don’t have a ton of close relationships with anyone right now, that’s okay! Try meeting new people by volunteering or joining a hobby group in your area.
11

Pick up a new hobby or sport.

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    What’s something you’ve always wanted to do, but you never had the time for it? Now’s your chance to try out that crazy hobby or sport that you’ve been dreaming of. Join a club or take a few classes to get the basics, then use your new activity to keep your mind off of your breakup. [11] You could try:
    • Embroidery
    • Hiking
    • Kickball
    • Golf
    • Chess
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12

Practice self care.

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    As you process your breakup and work through your emotions, don’t forget about exercising and eating healthy meals. Try to sleep at least 8 hours every day, and make time to do something nice for yourself, too. [12] You could try:
    • Soaking in a bubble bath
    • Taking a nature walk
    • Playing with a pet
    • Cooking yourself a fancy dinner

How Do You Cope With A Breakup?


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  • Question
    How do you get over a breakup when you still love each other?
    Kate Dreyfus
    Holistic Love Coach & Intuitive Healer
    Kate Dreyfus is a dedicated Holistic Love Coach, Holistic Empowerment Coach, Heart-Centered Expert, Intuitive Healer, Workshop Facilitator, and Owner of Evolve & Empower. She has more than ten years of experience supporting her clients successfully entering exclusive, romantic relationships within the USA, the United Kingdom, Canada, and Europe. Kate is devoted to helping others through personal growth and transformation, success in dating and romance, and healing and rebuilding after a breakup. She is also a member of The Biofield Institute, the Healing Touch Professional Association, and the Energy Medicine Professional Association. Kate holds a BA in Psychology from San Francisco State University.
    Kate Dreyfus
    Holistic Love Coach & Intuitive Healer
    Expert Answer
    Try to focus on what you gained from your past relationship rather than what you lost. What new awareness and wisdom have gained from it? How can you use it to support your personal growth? This puts you in a mindset where you're focusing on the takeaways that empower you to move forward in your love life.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/pro/recovery-expert/2019/06/going-no-contact#1
      2. ↑ https://www.joinonelove.org/learn/stop-playing-the-blame-game-take-responsibility-in-your-relationship/
      3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-forward/201508/5-ways-move-ex-you-still-love
      4. ↑ https://www.mcgill.ca/counselling/files/counselling/surviving_a_break-up_-_20_strategies_0.pdf
      5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-forward/201508/5-ways-move-ex-you-still-love
      6. ↑ https://www.mcgill.ca/counselling/files/counselling/surviving_a_break-up_-_20_strategies_0.pdf
      7. ↑ https://www.abc.net.au/everyday/dos-and-donts-after-a-break-up/11787694
      8. ↑ https://www.mcgill.ca/counselling/files/counselling/surviving_a_break-up_-_20_strategies_0.pdf
      9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/widows-guide-healing/201511/10-things-you-can-do-create-new-life-after-any-loss
      1. ↑ https://www.militaryonesource.mil/family-relationships/relationships/relationship-challenges-and-divorce/stages-of-a-breakup/
      2. ↑ https://www.militaryonesource.mil/family-relationships/relationships/relationship-challenges-and-divorce/stages-of-a-breakup/
      3. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/dealing-with-a-breakup-or-divorce.htm

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