Should You Choose? What to Do When You're in Love with Two

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Understanding your feelings and making the right choice
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Feeling as though you're in love with two people can be really confusing—especially if you believe that you're only supposed to fall in love with one person and be with them for the rest of your life. But the reality is that most people have been in love with more than one person in their life—even at the same time—and you're not alone. We talked to psychotherapist Kelli Miller about how to handle being in love with two people and whether polyamory might be the right lifestyle choice for you.

Loving Two People

If you're in love with two people, it's important to keep the lines of communication open with everyone involved. Decide what you ultimately want, then discuss your feelings with each of the other people individually. If you decide to pursue a polyamorous or non-monogamous relationship, be open and set firm boundaries.

Section 1 of 5:

Can you be in love with two people at once?

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  1. When people talk about being in love, what they're really talking about is feeling an intense attraction and connection to another person. In societies that value monogamy, people tend to believe that you can only truly be in love with one person—but the reality is that people fall in love with more than one person all the time. [1]
    • For example, most adults have been in a long-term relationship with more than one person, and they fell in love with both of those people.
    • There are different kinds of love, and most people have no problem recognizing that you can have platonic love for more than one friend, or familial love for more than one child.
    • Many people believe that romantic love is no different, in the sense that you can fall in love and have romantic feelings for more than one person without affecting the love you have for either person individually. [2]
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Section 2 of 5:

Navigating Conflicting Emotions

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  1. Think about when and where you fell in love with each person and the surrounding circumstances. That context can help you piece together why you love each person—they might be for incredibly different reasons. [3]
    • Through the course of thinking about this, you might even decide that you're not really in love with one of them—that you were just mistaking something else for love.
    • You also might open yourself to love because you're feeling neglected or bored in your current relationship.
    • If you've been in a romantic relationship with someone for a long time, it's totally normal that you might start having feelings for someone else. While you might feel guilty, it doesn't mean that you don't love your current romantic partner.
    • The spark of a new connection can often feel like you're falling in love, especially if you've been in a romantic relationship for a long time and haven't felt that "new relationship energy" in a while.
  2. If you believe you're in love with two people, Miller recommends that you "think about what you want in a life partner." [4] People have different emotional needs that they expect a romantic partner to meet. From a polyamorous perspective, it's not fair to expect a single romantic partner to meet all of your emotional needs. If you feel as though you're in love with two different people, it could be because they're meeting different emotional needs. [5]
    • It's also possible that the two people present different love stories—for example, one might be more of a fairytale romance while the other is more practical.
    • If you're already in a relationship with one of the people, keep in mind that it's possible you might love them but they might not be a great life partner.
    • Miller notes that "a lot of times people think I am in love, that means this person is right for me, [but] that's not always true. You can be in love and recognize this person is not going to be a good life partner for me." [6]
  3. If you think you want to pursue a romantic relationship with both people, you're likely going to clash with society's expectations. And if you're currently in a committed, monogamous relationship, you might be clashing with your partner's expectations as well. Typically, your partner's expectations are going to impact your decision more than society's are. [7]
    • Miller advises that "you have to get really quiet and basically think about what you want. Do you want a monogamous relationship?" [8]
    • It could be that your partner isn't necessarily that attached to having a monogamous relationship, they're just going along with the standard societal assumption. In that case, the two of you might have a conversation about having a more open relationship.
    • If, on the other hand, your partner values monogamy and fidelity very highly, you won't be able to continue both relationships ethically. But if you feel strongly that you don't want to be monogamous anymore, it might be the right time to let that relationship go.
  4. If you're in a committed, monogamous relationship, being in love with two people can be really tricky. Coming clean with your current partner can allow you to discuss the needs you have that aren't being met in your relationship. At the same time, though, this can be a really difficult conversation to have. [9]
    • For example, you might say, "I've gotten a lot closer to a coworker of mine since we started having to put in extra hours on this urgent project and I've grown emotionally attached to them. I think I might be in love with them. Can we talk about what this means?"
    • Even if your partner doesn't particularly value monogamy, they might be taken aback that you weren't transparent about this connection you were feeling with someone else. That might limit their ability to support you or have more empathy with what you're feeling.
    • Reassure your partner that you still love them and that this new love interest hasn't lessened your love for them. Tell them what you love about them and that they are irreplaceable in your life.
  5. If you're having a hard time sorting out what you really want on your own, a therapist can help you make sense of it all. They can also help you better understand your needs in a relationship and how they're best met. [10]
    • Therapists can also give you tools that can help you move through any fears that are holding you back and help you become a healthier and more empowered person.
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Section 3 of 5:

Admitting Your Feelings

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  1. Regardless of the backstory, this is probably going to be a pretty awkward conversation, especially at first. Make sure you choose a good time when the two of you can talk privately without distractions. [11]
    • If you're in a committed relationship with one of the people, you likely want to talk to them first. In many ways, they have more of a stake in knowing than the other person does.
    • Having the conversation privately shows respect for the other person and their feelings.
  2. This can be a tough thing to get out, especially if you're already in a committed relationship with one of the people you're in love with and violated their trust in some way. Just keep it simple and to the point—no need to go into the origin story of how the feelings developed of how you and this person became closer or ended up spending so much time together. [12]
    • For example, you might say, "Since I've been on this research project, I've been hanging out with Olly a lot and I really like them. Actually, I think I'm catching feelings for them. I wanted to let you know because obviously I have feelings for you too."
    • Let the person know that your feelings for the other person don't impact your feelings for them. For example, you might say, "I still love you every bit as much as I have, if not more. The way a mother can love several children, I have found that I have the capacity to feel romantic love for more than one person."
  3. The other person's reaction typically depends on the expectations they had of you and your relationship as well as any assumptions they made about the relationship itself. They're also far more likely to be upset if they're someone who values monogamy or who isn't interested in being in a non-monogamous relationship. [13]
    • Keep in mind that some people who are okay with physical non-monogamy are not okay with emotional non-monogamy. Even if one of the people you're in love with is fine with you having sex with someone else, they might be upset that you're in love with someone else.
  4. If the person is open to hearing it, tell them what sort of relationship you had in mind. They can think about whether that's something they would be interested in or whether they'd rather just bow out. If they're interested, you can discuss other issues that might come up and decide where you want to go from here.
    • For example, if you were thinking that you wanted to continue dating both people, that would require both of them to be willing to date you non-exclusively.
    • If you're dating both people, you might also want to talk about whether they can also date other people and how that's going to work. Is there a limit to the number of people they can date? Do you expect them to make time with you a priority?
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Section 4 of 5:

Choosing Between Two People

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  1. As harsh and unemotional as it may sound, this little exercise can help you choose between the two—if choosing is something you believe you need to do. Start by taking a moment to imagine your life with the first person and entirely without the second. Write the pros and cons you imagine in this scenario. Then, do the same thing with the other person.
    • If you met both people fairly recently, it might be a little more difficult to predict what the pros and cons might be. In that situation, it's probably better to get to know them both a little better first (if you can), then make your decision.
    • Miller notes that "you really want to think about... which one is going to be better suited for [you]." [14]
    • Consider who you're more compatible with and going to have fewer issues with later on because, Miller continues, "as unromantic as that is, you really have to think of the reality when you get into a relationship[.] That would help determine which person is going to be more right for you." [15]
  2. If you're having a hard time imagining the pros and cons for the two potential relationships, spending a little more time with each of them can help. This is especially true if you don't know either of them very well—it might just be difficult for you to decide right now because you're caught up in "new relationship energy"—once you calm down a bit, things might seem a bit clearer. [16]
    • If you have one relationship that's older and one that's budding, quality time with your first partner could help rekindle some of that spark that you might've lost over time.
  3. As long as you're continuing to see both people, keep it ethical by not making an exclusive commitment to either of them. Essentially, act as though you don't have to make a choice (even if deep down, you believe that you do) and see how it feels to embrace your feelings for two people. Just make sure everybody understands what you're doing and they're comfortable with it. [17]
    • While some people might not have any problem with being sexually non-monogamous, a lot of people might still have issues with you having romantic feelings for someone else. If you have feelings for the other person, make sure they know.
    • Avoid treating this like an experiment or a phase while you're doing it. Even if you ultimately decide a poly lifestyle is not for you, this experience helped you learn about yourself. [18]
  4. It could be something you're afraid of or it could be that you're ashamed of developing feelings for two people. It could also be something totally different that's unique to your situation. Whatever it is, if you figure out what's holding you back and address that, you might find it's easier to finally make a choice. [19]
    • For example, you might believe that if either of them was really your soulmate you would know immediately. You might think that since you have trouble choosing one over the other, it means neither of them is your soulmate.
    • If you're married and have fallen in love with someone besides your spouse, you might be afraid to choose because you're afraid this means that you're a failure or that you're a bad partner.
    • If you haven't known either of them for a really long time, you might worry that the one you pick will turn out to be too good to be true and cause you to regret your choice.
  5. If you feel as though you need to choose between the two people you're in love with, that typically means leaving one of them behind for good. The person you choose is unlikely to be comfortable with you continuing to have that relationship in the background. Once you've made up your mind, let the one you didn't choose down easy, then let the other person know you've decided to commit to them. [20]
    • If you've been communicating with both people through this time, they likely won't be caught completely off-guard. But this can still be heartbreaking for the person you didn't choose, especially if they were in love with you too.
    • Keep in mind that it takes (at least) two people to be in a relationship. Even though you've made a choice, the person you've chosen may have other plans.
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Section 5 of 5:

Exploring Polyamory

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  1. Community events are a great way to meet other polyamorous people . This can be a great way to get your feet wet as well as learn more about polyamorous relationships. It can also be super helpful just to have people you can talk to about poly stuff that your mono friends might not understand. [21]
    • People in the poly community can also help you understand some of the feelings you have and navigate life as an ethically non-monogamous person. [22]
    • You'll also find that other poly people tend to be more supportive than mono friends when it comes to any relationship issues you might have.
    • Dating apps and websites can also be a great way to connect with other poly folks—just make sure you put that you're poly or ethically non-monogamous on your profile because some people aren't down with that.
  2. It might sound like your ideal to have a "throuple" or similar multiple relationship, but those can be really difficult to find. Imagine how picky you can be about choosing someone to date, then assume your partner is just as picky. Now consider how difficult it could potentially be to find someone who satisfied both of you and you'll understand why it's just easier to start out by dating separately. [23]
    • There's always the possibility that the throuple you've always dreamed of will just organically happen with a friend or lover, but spending all of your time looking for that needle in a haystack will just get frustrating for everyone involved.
    • Dating separately also allows you to ease into being poly and figure out what makes you feel tense or anxious on your own before you and your partner start trying to date together.
  3. Communication is the foundation of any healthy relationship and poly relationships are no exception. But with poly relationships, the emotional needs of multiple people make being open and honest with each other even more important. Check in on each other regularly and talk about your relationship —what's working as well as what could improve. [24]
    • Poly folks still have issues with each other and experience jealousy from time to time, just like anyone else. All you can do is keep the lines of communication open and do everything you can to address issues as they come up.
    • Open communication is also a great way to ensure that all of your partners feel secure in their relationship with you. With security, you're less likely to have jealousy and other issues generally.
  4. When you set boundaries , you ensure that no one is taking advantage of anyone else and everyone's needs are being met. Respecting each other's boundaries is important in any healthy relationship, but especially when you're in romantic relationships with more than one person. [25]
    • Be sure to ask your partners about their boundaries as well. For example, if you're sexually active with two partners, one may prefer that you change the sheets on your bed before they come over. [26]
    • Seek emotional support when you need it and communicate your emotional needs clearly to your partners. [27]
  5. Discovering polyamory involves a lot of self-discovery as well, particularly if you've only ever been in monogamous relationships. Recognize that this is just something that you're trying out and that you might have issues or questions that come up as you go—and that's okay! You might even decide that polyamory isn't for you, but at least you'll be able to say that you gave it a shot when you were curious about it. [28]
    • Keeping a journal is a great way to reflect on the relationships you have and the connections you're developing as well as how these relationships reflect on your identity and your sexuality.
  6. There's no rule that says you have to have sex with all (or even any) of your partners. But if you do, it's important that you're all on the same page regarding using protection and [[Test for STDs at Home|testing for STIs]. Show your partners that you love them by helping to keep them safe. [29]
    • Make sure everyone who is sexually active is tested on a regular basis, especially if they're having sex with other people.
    • Inform all of your partners any time there's an issue or an accident. For example, if you were having sex with one of your partners and the condom broke, you would want to tell your other partners as well since they could potentially be exposed.
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Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    Can you be romantically in love with more than one person?
    Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
    Relationship Coach
    Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. She is the author of “Love Hacks: Simple Solutions to Your Most Common Relationship Issues” which details the top 15 relationship issues and 3 quick solutions to each. She is also the award-winning and best-selling author of “Thriving with ADHD”. Kelli co-hosted an advice show on LA Talk Radio and was a relationship expert for The Examiner. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.
    Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
    Relationship Coach
    Expert Answer
    Some people can. Take time to think about what you want from your relationships. Some people can be in more than one relationship and feel happy, while others need monogamy. If you go the route of monogamy, ask yourself which person are you more compatible with. It's best to pick the person that you get along with better and will have fewer issues with down the road.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
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  • Question
    What makes a couple compatible?
    Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
    Relationship Coach
    Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. She is the author of “Love Hacks: Simple Solutions to Your Most Common Relationship Issues” which details the top 15 relationship issues and 3 quick solutions to each. She is also the award-winning and best-selling author of “Thriving with ADHD”. Kelli co-hosted an advice show on LA Talk Radio and was a relationship expert for The Examiner. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.
    Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
    Relationship Coach
    Expert Answer
    Partners who are compatible typically have similar goals and values. Both partners need to want the same things from both their relationship and the future.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
    Thank you for your feedback.
    If wikiHow has helped you, please consider a small contribution to support us in helping more readers like you. We’re committed to providing the world with free how-to resources, and even $1 helps us in our mission. Support wikiHow
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/maybe-its-just-me-but/201005/are-you-in-love-with-one-person-while-committed-to-another
      2. ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/what_you_can_learn_from_polyamory
      3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/rediscovering-love/202305/is-it-okay-to-love-more-than-one-person-at-the-same-time
      4. ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 21 July 2020.
      5. ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/what_you_can_learn_from_polyamory
      6. ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 21 July 2020.
      7. ↑ https://goaskalice.columbia.edu/answered-questions/can-i-start-polyamorous-relationship-man-and-woman
      8. ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 21 July 2020.
      9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/maybe-its-just-me-but/201005/are-you-in-love-with-one-person-while-committed-to-another
      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/loving-bravely/201709/caught-between-two-loves
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/fixing-families/202005/how-to-have-deeper-more-intimate-conversations
      3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/fixing-families/202005/how-to-have-deeper-more-intimate-conversations
      4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/fixing-families/202005/how-to-have-deeper-more-intimate-conversations
      5. ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 21 July 2020.
      6. ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 21 July 2020.
      7. ↑ https://www.readyforpolyamory.com/post/my-top-advice-for-new-polyamorous-people
      8. ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/what_you_can_learn_from_polyamory
      9. ↑ https://www.discoveringpolyamory.com/blog/healthy-reasons-to-be-polyamorous-exploring-your-identity
      10. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/loving-bravely/201709/caught-between-two-loves
      11. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/loving-bravely/201709/caught-between-two-loves
      12. ↑ https://www.readyforpolyamory.com/post/my-top-advice-for-new-polyamorous-people
      13. ↑ https://goaskalice.columbia.edu/answered-questions/can-i-start-polyamorous-relationship-man-and-woman
      14. ↑ https://www.readyforpolyamory.com/post/my-top-advice-for-new-polyamorous-people
      15. ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/what_you_can_learn_from_polyamory
      16. ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/what_you_can_learn_from_polyamory
      17. ↑ https://www.readyforpolyamory.com/post/my-top-advice-for-new-polyamorous-people
      18. ↑ https://findpoly.com/blog/polyamory-and-sexual-health/
      19. ↑ https://www.discoveringpolyamory.com/blog/healthy-reasons-to-be-polyamorous-exploring-your-identity
      20. ↑ https://findpoly.com/blog/polyamory-and-sexual-health/

      About This Article

      Article Summary X

      To handle being in love with two people, start by making a list of what you love about each of them. Then, use the list to decide which of them you'd rather be in a relationship with. For example, if you love the attention you get from the second person but don't see yourself having a future with them, maybe you just need more attention from your current partner. Alternatively, consider whether you want a polyamorous relationship with both people at the same time. Whichever decision you make, consider telling your current partner about your feelings so they know how you feel. For more tips from our co-author, including how to break things off with a second person you love, read on!

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