What Holding Hands Means for Your Relationship

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Interpreting thumb strokes, interlaced fingers, and more
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Holding hands tends to be a big step in any relationship, and we'll explain how to tell if someone holds your hand because they like you romantically. Plus, the way you hold hands with someone says a lot about your dynamic—like who’s the more protective partner, or how long you’ve been dating. We’ll fill you in on what holding hands means for your relationship, and what your hand-holding style says about yours. We’ll also fill you in on the science and benefits of holding hands, as well the history of the gesture.

This article is based on an interview with our dating coach, John Keegan. Check out the full interview here.

Things You Should Know

  • Holding hands is often an expression of romance between two people, especially if you’re dating. Family or friends also hold hands to express affection.
  • Holding hands with interlaced fingers often signifies the start of a strong relationship. A more relaxed grip might indicate a longer, more established bond.
  • Holding pinkies often points to a carefree relationship full of chemistry. Stroking your partner’s hand with your thumb shows them that they have your full attention.
Section 1 of 4:

What does holding hands mean in a relationship?

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  1. Romantic couples often hold hands (and perform other small touches, like touching their partner’s lower back or shoulder) as a way to signal their affection for each other. [1] If you’re dating someone, or have romantic interest in that person, holding their hand is one way to say, “Hey, I really like you and want to be closer to you,” even without words.
    • Hand-holding often occurs on the third, second, or even first date . That said, there’s no set timeline for when it should happen; every relationship is different.
    • If you like someone that you’re seeing, don’t be afraid to ask to hold their hand ! They’ll likely get the message that you’re into them .
  2. Whether you’re crossing the street, at a party, or getting dinner together, they might take your hand to show other people that you’re an item. It could be that they're protective of you and want other people to know that you’re an item.
    • They might hold your hand while you’re driving or lying in bed together to show you that they're comfortable and relaxed, and like spending time with you.
    • They may hold your hand around your family or their won to show them that you’re committed and to help you both feel at ease when you meet the relatives.
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  3. Parents hold their children’s hands and friends might hold hands to practice platonic intimacy . [2] Ultimately, people hold hands to establish a physical and emotional connection with each other, and that connection doesn’t just exist between romantic partners. [3]
    • If you’re wondering if someone is holding your hand because they’re romantically interested, look for other signs that they’re into you , too, like leaning in toward you or giving you other touches on the small of your back or a hug around the shoulders.
    • Or, just ask them! Say, “I like holding your hand, but I want to know—does this mean we’re dating?” or, “Can I ask: Do you hold my hand because you like me as a partner, or as a friend?”
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Section 2 of 4:

What Your Hand-Holding Style Says About You

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  1. Hand-holding is an intentional choice between partners to express their love for each other, and this is perhaps the most classic way to show that love. [4] When you interlock your fingers, you’re physically tying yourself together. You’re saying, “I’m here with you and there’s no place I’d rather be.” Your bond is as strong as your grip, and nothing can disentangle you from each other.
    • Interlocked fingers may often be the first style a couple uses, since it’s intentional, familiar, and powerful.
  2. Many relationships tend to have one partner who’s more dominant, or who takes the lead, which is a healthy dynamic in moderation. [5] With this style, the couple wraps their fingers around the sides of each other’s hands, and whichever partner’s palm faces downward may be the more dominant or protective partner. [6]
  3. The loose hand-holding grip, often done by placing your fingers on their palms, or partially intertwined, may be done by new couples who aren’t totally confident in their relationship yet. Or, it can be done by experienced couples who know that a firm, tight grip isn’t always needed to express their love. It also tends to be more comfortable, since one partner isn’t suffocating the other’s hand, and is great for partners with sweaty palms.
  4. Holding your girlfriend’s or boyfriend’s hands with both of yours, like a hand sandwich, is almost like giving them a hug or even protecting them without actually wrapping your arms around them. It’s a perfect way to get a little more intimate while doing something else, like watching a movie or even having a conversation together. It says, “Regardless of what we’re doing, I want to be as close to you as possible.”
  5. Sometimes, you or your partner might drape your arm over the other’s shoulder while also holding hands. It’s often a display of protection or support, especially when you do it while sleeping. [7] It tells your partner that you want to be closer than just holding hands, and also that you’ve got their back, no matter what.
  6. The pinkie-link has to be one of the cutest hand-holding styles. It tends to be relaxed and carefree, and probably comes after you’ve already established your relationship and spent some time with your partner. You’re more familiar with each other now, and know even from just holding each others’ pinkies that you’re wild about each other. You’re the couple all your friends can’t stop talking about.
  7. A wrist grab tends to signify an intense and unbreakable connection. Think of all those scenes from the movies, with one person grabbing another’s wrist to keep them from falling. When you grab your partner’s wrist, you’re communicating much the same thing—you’re there for them, you won’t let them fall away, and you’ll keep holding on. It’s a fairly intense style that reflects your intense love and commitment.
  8. Caressing and stroking your partner’s hand with your thumb is another way of showing your affection. [8] Hand-holding is often a passive activity you do while walking or sitting together, but a simple thumb stroke turns it into a much more active activity, and tells your partner that they have your full attention, even when the two of you may be doing other things.
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Section 3 of 4:

Benefits of Holding Hands

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  1. It’s a biological fact that humans need touch. It’s vital for the development of our social and even physical well-being. In adulthood, holding someone’s hand shows them your affection and empathy. [9] It’s a simple but profound way to show another person that you care about them, which can make all the difference when it comes to our emotional well-being.
  2. It’s literally harder to be angry when you’re holding someone’s hand. Research shows that couples who hold each other’s hands when they’re at-odds have lower heart rates, better communication, and a more positive or optimistic outlook. [10] Next time you find yourself in a fight with your partner, or patching things up after a fight, consider starting by holding their hand.
  3. One study involving patients about to undergo surgery found that patients who held someone’s hand reported much lower levels of anxiety about the surgery, compared to patients who didn’t hold someone’s hand. Researchers found that levels of epinephrine—the adrenaline hormone that fuels our flight-or-fight response—was much lower in the former group, suggesting that holding someone’s hand has a calming, chemical effect on our brains. [11]
    • Next time you’re feeling stressed, calm yourself down by finding a hand to hold, whether that’s your partner’s, a family member’s, or a friend’s.
  4. Research shows that having physical contact with another person while you’re experiencing physical pain can actually help to reduce that pain. We’re still studying how it works, but researchers suggest that the sensation of a gentle touch interrupts the sensation of physical pain as it’s communicated across neurons. [12] Who knew something as simple as holding a hand could be so powerful?
    • Another famous study found that women who held their spouse’s hand during an electric shock reported feeling more comfortable than while holding a stranger’s hand. [13]
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Section 4 of 4:

History of Hand Holding

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  1. Research shows that other animal species hold hands, too, among them chimpanzees, with which we share a common ancestor. Chimps may hold hands to reconcile after conflicts, which is also one reason humans do it. Because of this connection, it’s likely that we’ve been holding hands since before we could even record the action in words or art. [14]
  2. Perhaps some of the oldest hand-holding skeletons are the “Lovers of Modena,” two men who died between the 4th and 6th centuries AD, and who were buried while holding hands. [15] Another couple from the 12th to 16th centuries were buried holding hands in Medieval England. [16] It goes to show that across time and culture, humans have always been reaching for each other.
    • The Sistine Chapel, painted in 1508-1512 by Michelangelo, depicts two figures reaching for each others’ hands. [17]
    • A translated text from 1457-1526 by Pietro Martire uses the phrase “holding hands,” meaning we’ve been using the phrase since at least 1457, but perhaps even longer. [18]
  3. No matter the continent or culture, if there are humans living there, there are probably humans holding hands there. It’s a universal human phenomenon; we all do it! While culture plays a big part in when and why people hold hands, some researchers believe it’s an innate behavior—that we’re born knowing how to do it. Others say that it’s so natural and common that we don’t need to be explicitly taught; we simply understand the gesture by seeing it around us every day. [19]
    • The “palmar grasp reflex” is the way newborns tend to grip anything placed in their hands, particularly a parent’s fingers. [20] Even infants know how to hold hands!
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/inclusive-insight/202206/when-holding-hands-isnt-so-simple
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/inclusive-insight/202206/when-holding-hands-isnt-so-simple
      3. ↑ https://news.virginia.edu/content/we-asked-expert-why-we-hold-hands-and-learned-its-good-you
      4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/why-bad-looks-good/202011/should-you-hold-hands-with-your-partner
      5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/games-primates-play/201205/are-you-dominant-or-subordinate-in-your-romantic-relationship
      6. ↑ https://www.researchgate.net/publication/257772199_Who's_got_the_Upper_Hand_Hand_Holding_Behaviors_Among_Romantic_Couples_and_Families
      7. ↑ https://www.sleepfoundation.org/sleeping-positions/couples
      8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/fulfillment-at-any-age/201401/seven-types-of-physical-affection-in-relationships
      9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/inclusive-insight/202206/when-holding-hands-isnt-so-simple
      1. ↑ https://www.researchgate.net/publication/340981766_Improvement_of_Conflict_Handling_Hand-Holding_During_and_After_Conflict_Discussions_Affects_Heart_Rate_Mood_and_Observed_Communication_Behavior_in_Romantic_Partners
      2. ↑ https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/11489026/
      3. ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC10046093/
      4. ↑ https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/17201784/
      5. ↑ https://news.virginia.edu/content/we-asked-expert-why-we-hold-hands-and-learned-its-good-you
      6. ↑ https://www.cnn.com/travel/article/ancient-skeletons-holding-hands-men-intl-scli/index.html
      7. ↑ https://www.smithsonianmag.com/smart-news/skeleton-couple-has-been-holding-hands-700-years-180952762/
      8. ↑ http://www.italianrenaissance.org/michelangelo-creation-of-adam/
      9. ↑ https://quod.lib.umich.edu/e/eebo/A20032.0001.001?view=toc
      10. ↑ https://news.virginia.edu/content/we-asked-expert-why-we-hold-hands-and-learned-its-good-you
      11. ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK553133/

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