How to Navigate a Homoerotic Friendship

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Learn what defines these blurry relationships and how to find clarity

Co-authored by Dan Hickey Reviewed by Allison Broennimann, PhD

Last Updated: October 28, 2024 Fact Checked

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What is a homoerotic friendship?

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Signs of a Homoerotic Friendship

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Navigating a Homoerotic Friendship

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Final Thoughts

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Having feelings for a close friend is hard. But what if they’re the same gender as you? And what if you’re not entirely sure of your sexuality, or theirs? These are the murky circumstances that make up a homoerotic relationship, or a friendship where both people have romantic feelings for each other but can’t or won’t admit to it out of fear of ruining their friendship or coming to terms with their sexuality. In this article, we’ll dive more into what these relationships are like, how to tell if you’re in one, and what to do to find clarity and define your relationship.

Note: We’re using the term “queer” here to describe a variety of sexual orientations other than straight, including gay, lesbian, bi, pan, poly, and more. We’re also using “men” and “women” to discuss gender since the available research and anecdotes on same-sex friendships use those terms. Gender and sexual identities are complex and exist on a spectrum, and you can experience a homoerotic friendship no matter how you identify.

Homoerotic Friendship Meaning

A homoerotic friendship is a relationship where friends of the same gender have romantic feelings for one another, but don’t admit to it out of fear of ruining the friendship or discomfort with their sexuality. These friendships are intimate, intense, and may feel almost romantic (without the physical component).

Section 1 of 4:

What is a homoerotic friendship?

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A homoerotic friendship is a relationship between two people of the same gender who have romantic feelings for each other, but don’t admit to it. These feelings usually go unacknowledged because one or both friends may fear ruining the friendship by opening up about their feelings or are struggling to accept their queer sexuality (or both). These friendships are often really intimate (minus sexual contact), and the people in the friendship may be more blind to the intensity of their relationship than outsiders.
- The intensity and repressed feelings in these relationships can sometimes turn toxic or codependent, causing the friendship to end in a blowout (for example, when one friend decides to pursue a hetero relationship and the other feels very jealous or hurt). ^{[1]
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- Sometimes, these romantic feelings are never acknowledged or expressed until after the friendship ends or it’s “too late” (like if one friend gets married to someone else).
- “Homoerotic friendship” isn’t a formal term. It’s used mostly in conversation or online discourse about the nature of queer friendships.
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Homoerotic friendships occur among all genders, but may be more common in women. In general, female friendships are more intimate, intuitive, and supportive than male friendships, plus it’s often more socially acceptable for women to have very close bonds with each other than men. ^{[2]
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Research source} So, it may be more common that queer women form deep friendships and develop feelings for each other, but hide their feelings to preserve the friendship (especially if they don’t know how the other feels or identifies). They may also be in denial about their sexuality and assume their feelings are just part of a “normal” female friendship.
- Men can definitely have these relationships too, but homophobia and stigmas around close, platonic male friendships being perceived as gay or “perverted” make it less likely that closeted queer men will form these kinds of friendships. ^{[3]
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Section 2 of 4:

Signs You Might Be in a Homoerotic Friendship

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A homoerotic friendship feels like a romantic one, minus the sexual part. No two friendships are exactly alike, so everyone’s experience with a homoerotic friendship can be different. However, here are some common signs you might be (know that some of these might be way more obvious to people outside your relationship than to either of you):
- You spend lots of your free time together.
- You spend a lot of your time apart texting or messaging each other.
- You look for reasons to touch each other unnecessarily (hand holding, playing with each other’s hair, etc.).
- Contact like hugs or hand touches feel longer and more charged than with platonic friends.
- You might give each other affectionate kisses on the cheek, lips, or other non-sexual areas. ^{[4]
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- You might cuddle, sleep next to each other, or embrace each other in a romantically charged way without crossing the line into sexual touching. ^{[5]
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- Your exchanges frequently tow the line between friendly and flirty.
- There’s an underlying tension that doesn’t seem to have a different or obvious cause.
- Your friends and family sometimes joke about or think of you as being together. ^{[6]
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- You might feel overall confused about how your friend feels about you or where you stand as friends.
- You feel jealous or hurt when your friend gives romantic attention to someone else.
- You don’t talk about your feelings, impulses, or touching with each other. ^{[7]
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