11 Signs of Narcissistic Hoovering & What to Do about It

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Causes of hoovering and expert advice for handling the relationship
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If you left a relationship with a narcissist and now they’re reaching out again, then they may be trying to “hoover” you back in. Just like a vacuum, a hoovering narcissist wants to suck you into a relationship again, but they usually don’t have your best intentions in mind. Rather than falling for their tricks, we’ll help you recognize what they’re actually trying to achieve. Keep reading to learn more about the signs that a narcissist is hoovering you and the best ways to respond to them.

This article is based on an interview with our licensed professional counselor, Rachel Eddins. Check out the full interview here.

Things You Should Know

  • A hoovering narcissist uses manipulation to suck you back into a harmful or toxic relationship. They care about the attention you give them more than your feelings.
  • Showing you tons of affection, randomly reaching out to you, or falsely claiming they’ve changed are all signs a narcissist is trying to hoover you.
  • Ignore a narcissist when they try hoovering you and set boundaries to cut them off so you can focus on yourself instead.
Section 1 of 4:

What is hoovering?

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    If you try to leave a relationship with a narcissist, they may use this form of emotional abuse to get your attention again. When a narcissist hoovers, they may try to reconnect with you but not out of genuine concern or love. [1] Instead, they use it as a form of manipulation to make you come back and regain their sense of control. It may start with idealizing you, but most times, a narcissist will fall back into old patterns of the relationship and continue the same cycle.
    • People with other conditions may also show signs of hoovering. For example, people with borderline personality disorder (BPD), antisocial personality disorder (ASPD), or histrionic personality disorder (HPD) could try to suck you back into a relationship as well.
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Section 2 of 4:

Signs of Hoovering

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    If a narcissist feels like they’re losing their grip on you, then they may “love bomb” you. It could be in the form of complimenting you, giving large gifts, or putting all their attention toward you. Even though it may feel good in the moment to get attention from them, a narcissist usually does this just to feel good about themselves and reel you back in. [2]
    • Love bombing is typically constant and intense, so an occasional romantic surprise may not be love bombing. A good rule of thumb is if all the attention the narcissist gives you makes you feel uncomfortable, then they may be trying to manipulate you.
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    If you caught onto the person’s narcissistic behaviors before, they may apologize and say that they recognize the damage they’ve caused. In reality, there’s a good chance that they’re just trying to tell you what you want to hear in an attempt to win you back. When you respond and let them back in, then they may return to the same narcissistic patterns as before. [3]
    • Listen for an actual apology. Many times, a narcissist may start acting nice but will never actually offer an apology for any of the hardships they put you through.
    • Be wary if a narcissist tries to reconcile with you if their words don’t match their actions. If they genuinely seem concerned about their behavior and are getting help from a therapist, they may actually feel bad.
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    If you’ve broken things off with a narcissist , they may go silent for a while before reaching out to you again. You may get a simple text saying “hi” or “how’s it going?” to try and rekindle the relationship, or they may even tell you that they miss you in hopes that you’ll respond. [4]
    • Holidays are the perfect excuse for a narcissist to reach out since it doesn’t seem as random. If you get a message from a narcissist on your birthday, Valentine’s Day, or another major holiday, it may be a sign they’re trying to hoover you back. [5]
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    When you try distancing yourself from a narcissist, they’ll want to keep tabs on you and may go to the same places you do. While it may seem like a coincidence that you’re bumping into them, they’re likely doing it on purpose so you’re still a part of their life. [6]
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    If a narcissist can’t get a hold of you directly, then they may ask mutual friends or some of your family members how you’re doing. They may ask your loved ones to relay messages to you or try to find out how you’re doing in hopes that you’ll reach out directly. [7]
    • Remind your friends and family how the narcissist has hurt or harmed you in the past, and ask them not to respond to any inquiries about you.
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    Gaslighting is when someone tries manipulating you to believe events happened differently than they actually did. They may try to shift blame onto you about why the relationship went sour or try to convince you that you’re misremembering the details. A narcissist may know that they’re not telling the truth and only say it because they want to get a response from you.
    • Look out for gaslighting phrases like, “That’s not how it happened,” “You’re crazy,” or, “I was only kidding!”
    • Sometimes, a narcissist may believe what they’re saying and not realize they’re gaslighting. Rather than arguing about how the events happened, refuse to engage with them instead.
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    Just to get a rise out of you, narcissists may tell lies about you to their friends or on social media in hopes that you’ll reach out to them. A hoovering narcissist may not care that the lies are hurtful as long as they get you to respond. [8]
    • Avoid contacting a narcissist lying about you since that puts the power back in their hands.
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    Even if a hoovering narcissist knows that they’re the ones to blame for the relationship, they may ignore it and act like nothing happened at all. They might try to restart conversations as if everything was fine and normal to make it seem like you’re the one that has an issue with them. When you try to correct them or defend yourself, they’ll feel like they’re back in control of the situation. [9]
    • You don’t need to accept the blame since you know the truth about what happened, so trust yourself and just ignore what they’re saying.
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    If a hoovering narcissist wants to make you feel bad, they may share that they found a new partner or person that they’re happy to be with. They may send you a text telling you they found someone so much better than you just to get under your skin and get a negative reaction from you. If they know they’re getting a rise out of you, a narcissist may keep flaunting their partner around you. [10]
    • Just ignore the person if they tell you they’ve found someone new. Chances are if they’re still trying to reach out to you to show off a new relationship, they’re the ones that haven’t moved on.
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    A narcissist may tell you that they’re having a health scare or that something happened to a mutual friend. While it could seem like they’re asking for help or assistance, they’re really using a harmful manipulation tactic to get you to respond and see them. [11]
    • Reach out to mutual friends to see if they know the reality of the situation. There’s a good chance a hoovering narcissist only reached out to you so you’d communicated with them.
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    In extreme circumstances, a narcissist may say they’re going to hurt themselves to make you worry about them. Even if they don’t actually have plans to do anything harmful, they’re looking for a way to manipulate your emotions so you don’t leave or cut them off completely.
    • If it were a true emergency, a hoovering narcissist would contact emergency services instead of reaching out to you.
    • While it may be tough to hear someone make threats, remember that the person isn’t your responsibility and you’re not in control of what they do. If you think the threat is serious, then contact the police and let them know of the situation rather than reaching out to the narcissist directly.
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Section 3 of 4:

Responding to Hoovering

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    Trying to reason or argue with a narcissist may not get you anywhere and they may spin the conversation to make you feel bad. Instead, go no-contact and ignore their messages or advances. Block them on social media and leave their messages unread. If you’re not able to completely ignore the person, like if they’re a coworker or co-parent, then only give them the bare minimum response. [12]
    • When you’re ignoring a narcissist, avoid internalizing any comments they make about you. Focus on yourself and what makes you feel good rather than anything negative they’re trying to tell you.
    • Avoid bad-mouthing a hoovering narcissist since they could find out and it may make the conflict worse.
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    Try to define what you’re okay with and what you absolutely will not stand for as you establish your boundaries . Stay firm with your boundaries and avoid giving in once you set them so the hoovering narcissist knows what behavior you’ll tolerate from them. If the narcissist tries to push your boundaries, just refuse to engage with them any further to take away their power.
    • If you can’t fully cut off a narcissist, like if they’re a coworker, then use the Grey Rock method as your boundary to give them a minimal, emotionless response. If they ask you a personal question, you could flatly say, “I only want to talk about work-related topics.”
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    If you’re tempted to reach out or go back to a hoovering narcissist, look back at all the negative aspects of the relationship and the harm that they caused. Try writing a list of the reasons that you’re leaving them and keep it handy so you’re able to refer to it when you’re tempted to respond to them. [13]
    • Things to include on your list could be “not being supportive of my dreams,” “not asking about how I’m feeling,” or “prioritizing themselves over me.”
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    Rather than worrying about what the hoovering narcissist has to say about you, recognize what’s important to you and determine what you need from a relationship instead. Stay engaged in activities and hobbies that are meaningful and fulfilling to you as well so you keep growing as an individual.
    • If you feel unsafe because a hoovering narcissist keeps bumping into you, contact local law enforcement or seek legal aid to help protect you.
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    Tell your loved ones about the hoovering narcissist in your life and ask for their help. Be honest about how you’re feeling and ask them if they have any advice for handling the situation. They may have gone through something similar in the past and may be able to help you find different distractions to keep you from getting sucked back into a relationship with the narcissist. [14]
    • Talk to a therapist or search for a narcissistic abuse recovery program in your area if you’re struggling on your own. They can help you recognize that any problems from the narcissistic relationship aren’t your fault and give you advice for overcoming those thought patterns.
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Section 4 of 4:

Why do narcissists hoover?

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    Hoovering narcissists usually want to feel like they’re in control of other people, so it doesn’t matter if you give them positive or negative attention. If they get you to respond or reach out due to something they’ve said or done, then they’ll feel like they’ve succeeded at sucking you back into the relationship. [15]
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    If you cut off a narcissist, they’ll feel like it’s a personal attack rather than realizing they’re the cause. Rather than taking the blame themselves, narcissists could point the finger at you to guilt-trip you into talking to them again. [16]
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    Hoovering narcissists tend to have a likable or charming persona on the outside, and they only show their true colors once you get to know them better. If they’re worried that you’ve seen their true narcissistic behaviors, then they may backtrack and start love bombing or hoovering to convince you they’re a good person again. [17]
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    Many narcissists don’t feel secure in their relationships, so they feel like they’ve succeeded if they can keep you around. They want to keep you under their control so you don’t move on or replace them with someone else who will treat you better.
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    Any time you try to leave a relationship with a hoovering narcissist, they fear that they’re losing someone who admired them. To avoid feeling like you’re abandoning them, they will instead try to hoover you back. [18]
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      References

      1. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/savvy-shrink/2017/11/dont-get-sucked-back-into-the-vortex-hoovering-is-not-a-compliment#1
      2. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder-love-bombing#definition
      3. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/savvy-shrink/2017/11/dont-get-sucked-back-into-the-vortex-hoovering-is-not-a-compliment
      4. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/recovering-narcissist/2019/12/5-ways-malignant-narcissists-hoover-their-victims#1
      5. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/recovering-narcissist/2019/12/5-ways-malignant-narcissists-hoover-their-victims#4
      6. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/recovering-narcissist/2018/08/research-finds-that-narcissists-try-to-remain-friends-with-their-exes-for-darker-reasons#1
      7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/addiction-and-recovery/202105/spotting-the-hoovering-techniques-narcissist
      8. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/recovering-narcissist/2018/08/research-finds-that-narcissists-try-to-remain-friends-with-their-exes-for-darker-reasons#1
      9. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm
      1. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/recovering-narcissist/2019/12/5-ways-malignant-narcissists-hoover-their-victims#2
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/addiction-and-recovery/202105/spotting-the-hoovering-techniques-narcissist
      3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/anxiety-zen/201502/forget-co-parenting-narcissist-do-instead
      4. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm
      5. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/covert-narcissism/
      6. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/savvy-shrink/2017/11/dont-get-sucked-back-into-the-vortex-hoovering-is-not-a-compliment#1
      7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/captivating-crimes/202003/hoovering-and-the-narcissistic-victim
      8. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/recovering-narcissist/2018/10/covert-sociopaths-and-narcissists#8
      9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/addiction-and-recovery/202105/spotting-the-hoovering-techniques-narcissist

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