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Take steps to distance yourself from a narcissistic relationship
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One of the key symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is craving admiration or praise—narcissistic extensions (aka narcissistic supplies) are the people that give that validation to people with narcissistic traits. If you’re wondering whether you’re someone’s narcissistic extension, follow the steps below to evaluate your relationship and distance yourself from a harmful situation. However, keep in mind that NPD can only be diagnosed by a licensed mental health professional, and even if a person in your life displays narcissistic traits, that doesn’t make them a narcissist.
How to Know If You’re a Narcissistic Extension
If you’re in a relationship with someone who acts entitled to your time and energy or makes you feel guilty about your own needs, you may be an extension. Distance yourself from this person and take steps to improve your mental health, like seeing a therapist and finding healthy ways to release anger.
Steps
Section 1 of 3:
Evaluating Your Relationship
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Think about whether this person acts in an entitled way. If you are a narcissistic extension, the person who’s treating you in a narcissistic way may not think of you as a separate person and might feel entitled to your time and attention. They’re unlikely to consider whether or not you have time to engage with them but may instead assume that they deserve your energy.
- Someone with narcissistic traits may expect from you whatever they expect or want for themselves. They might assume that your needs and wants are the same as theirs and, therefore, be very demanding of your attention.
- For example, if you're in a relationship with this person, they may assume you're going out or staying in on any given night to suit their needs. They might become angry and even hostile if you express your need for alone time or socialization independent of them. They may be unable to understand that they do not deserve your constant attention.
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Watch for boundary violations. If you're a narcissistic extension, the other person may perceive you as an extension of themselves, making it difficult to set boundaries in your relationship. This individual may not realize when you're becoming nervous or uncomfortable and is likely to continually push your boundaries in order to get you to serve their own needs. [1] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source
- For example, your girlfriend wants to take you hiking near the mountains, even though you've told her many times you're afraid of heights. She does not let it go until you agree to go with her.
- During the hike, you become increasingly panicked and uncomfortable as you get higher into the mountains. Your girlfriend does not seem concerned about your requests to stop. Instead, she is angry that you are not keeping up with her. She is not concerned that you're uncomfortable and cannot fathom that your feelings about the situation are different from hers.
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Evaluate your conversations. Conversing with someone who has narcissistic traits can be very frustrating, as these individuals may have little sense of shame, privacy, or how their comments might make you feel. As a narcissistic extension, you might feel expected to build this person up even when conversations make you uncomfortable. You may also feel pressured to give out a lot of information about yourself, whether you want to or not. [2] X Research source
- A person with narcissistic traits may share facts about themselves that feel too private and personal and show little sense of shame when sharing. They may, for example, tell a story about how they "called someone out" and boast about having been very rude and aggressive to someone—instead of being shocked by their hostility, they probably expect you to be impressed by their courage.
- This person might also expect the same level of transparency from you and be unable to tell when you're uncomfortable in a situation. They may, for example, ask very pressing questions and get angry if you don't disclose information. They also may be unable to tell when you're becoming uncomfortable in a situation.
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Think about whether they take credit for your accomplishments. If you're a narcissistic extension, the person you’re attached to probably sees you as a reflection of themselves and how people view them. Therefore, they may take credit for your accomplishments and do the reverse by blaming you for times you don't meet their standards. [3] X Research source
- They may, for example, say something like, "I got you a really good grade on that test because I studied with you" or "That publication was because I reviewed your work."
- But if your test did not get the grade they wanted, they’ll probably switch from taking credit for your good grade to blaming you for making them look bad.
- This trait is particularly common if you’re dealing with a parent who has narcissistic traits and you are their extension.
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Watch for angry, dismissive behavior. People with narcissistic personalities are often resistant to their behavior being questioned. If they are questioned in any way, it's common for them to become hostile and angry very suddenly. [4] X Research source
- Think about any time you've pushed back against this person. When you tell them that they hurt you, how do they react? Instead of admitting to wrongdoing or agreeing to change, someone with narcissistic traits might become very angry. They may meet your request with personal attacks and put-downs and may even force you to apologize.
- If you're a narcissistic extension, the person in your life with a narcissistic personality may believe that your feelings and emotions only exist to serve them. It’s possible that they’re incapable of understanding when your feelings are hurt, and they may be unwilling to change for your sake.
- If this person won't listen to you, try journaling the various incidents that occur so that you can maintain your grip on what is real and what’s not.
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Section 2 of 3:
Considering Your Feelings
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Consider whether the person understands your needs and feelings. In any relationship, your wants and needs must be met to some degree. When you're a narcissistic extension, however, you’ll feel like your wants and needs are consistently falling by the wayside. [5] X Research source
- Think about what you need and want and whether it's consistently sacrificed. Do you feel like the other person is willing or able to meet certain needs or allow you to pursue your own interests?
- Someone who’s been professionally diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) may only be able to see their needs and wants and expect them to be met even if they’re unreasonable or interfere with your
needs and wants. [6]
X
Expert Source
Liana Georgoulis, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist Expert Interview. 6 September 2018. Sometimes, this behavior will result in the manipulation of others, so if you confront them with your feelings they're likely to get hostile instead of apologizing and changing. - For example, let’s say you're extroverted by nature and like to go out on the weekends. Your boyfriend gets nervous at big parties and expects you to stay by his side the whole time, even when he refuses to socialize with others.
- When you express the fact your need for socialization isn't met, he insists you instead meet his need for attention and reassurance. Rather than working towards a compromise, a boyfriend with narcissistic qualities may instead continue to put his needs first, regardless of whether it's reasonable.
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Evaluate how much time you have for yourself. Being a narcissistic extension is draining. If you're navigating a relationship with someone who behaves in a narcissistic way , that person is likely to take up a lot of your time and energy. Consider whether you have time for yourself. Are you allowed to pursue your own hobbies and interests? Do you have separate relationships with family members and friends? If not, you may be a narcissistic extension. [7] X Research source
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Think about whether this person is the focus of your energy. A person with narcissistic traits might not see you as a separate entity with your own ideas and opinions. They may only see you as a reflection of them and their values, consequently leaving you with a lack of energy to focus on anything but them. [8] X Research source
- This person may constantly pressure you to make them happy and content. You might find yourself frequently trying to meet unreasonable needs and basing your daily decisions on their happiness.
- If you consider your own feelings, you may feel guilt and shame. People with narcissistic personalities tend to be very good at guilt-tripping, and you may feel like a bad person if you take time for yourself on occasion.
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Consider if you're allowed to experience and define your own feelings. A person with a narcissistic mindset is likely to view feelings as a competition—therefore, any emotions that you feel must be filtered through them and their experiences. You may eventually start to feel you don't have permission to have certain feelings or emotions. [9] X Research source
- One of the major symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), when it’s been diagnosed by a professional, is a need for control. This trait can sometimes manifest as guilt-tripping and manipulation. You may eventually internalize their put-downs and begin to feel shame over your basic wants and needs.
- You may also be unable to express hurt. If you say something like, "The way you were behaving last night hurt my feelings," this other individual may be unwilling to apologize. Instead, they might chastise you for having felt that way or insist your feelings are invalid.
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Section 3 of 3:
Distancing Yourself from a Narcissist
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Avoid being sucked back into the relationship. Someone with narcissistic traits is unlikely to let their extensions go easily. If you're trying to distance yourself from this type of person, they may manipulate you to get you to stay. Avoid getting sucked back into this cycle. Stay strong as you break off this toxic relationship . [10] X Research source
- People with manipulative tendencies may feign the desire to change when they sense someone is leaving. They may tell you things will be different this time and make big promises for major changes.
- Remember, people like this only act to serve their own needs. They are only making you promises in the hopes of getting something they want. In this case, they want your attention and focus. If someone has consistently displayed abusive or manipulative behaviors, do not believe anything that they say as you prepare to leave.
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Release your anger. It's natural to feel angry after leaving a toxic or abusive relationship dynamic. You expected someone to be kind and loving, and instead they neglected your needs and wants. Anger is an important step in the healing process. [11] X Research source
- Realize that you are angry. Think about the actions and behaviors that created this sense of anger.
- From there, find ways to release your anger in a healthy fashion. You can cry, talk to a friend, actively journal about it, or engage in physical activity.
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See a therapist. It's important to talk things over with a therapist. You do not want relationship patterns to repeat in the future. You also want to make sure you're dealing with your emotions in a healthy way. [12] X Research source
- You need to remember how to meet your own personal needs. After being a narcissistic extension, especially if you were one for a long time, you may not remember what you need and want out of life. A neutral third party can help you remember.
- You can see a therapist through your regular doctor or through your insurance. If you're a student, your college or university may provide free counseling.
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Cease contact, if necessary. Someone with narcissistic traits may not let their extension go easily. You may choose to cease contact with this person in order to avoid getting dragged back into the cycle. [13] X Research source
- Unfollow, mute, or block this person on all social apps. If you want to go a step further, block their phone number and email address.
- If you were in an abusive relationship, contact a local domestic violence shelter for help. Call 9-1-1 or your local emergency contact number if you feel your safety is immediately threatened at any point.
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionWhat are the characteristics of a narcissist?Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker based in Cleveland, Ohio. With experience in academic counseling and clinical supervision, Klare received her Master of Social Work from the Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983. She also holds a 2-Year Post-Graduate Certificate from the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland, as well as certification in Family Therapy, Supervision, Mediation, and Trauma Recovery and Treatment (EMDR).A narcissist typically will have an over-exaggerated sense of self-importance. They will not be able to relate to others' feelings or needs. They will come across as callous.
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QuestionWhat is an extension of self?Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker based in Cleveland, Ohio. With experience in academic counseling and clinical supervision, Klare received her Master of Social Work from the Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983. She also holds a 2-Year Post-Graduate Certificate from the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland, as well as certification in Family Therapy, Supervision, Mediation, and Trauma Recovery and Treatment (EMDR).Extension of self refers to the fact that a narcissist sees others as a reflection of themselves, of their own needs and feelings. They are not seen as separate--with their own feelings and neds.
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QuestionCan a narcissist feel guilty?Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker based in Cleveland, Ohio. With experience in academic counseling and clinical supervision, Klare received her Master of Social Work from the Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983. She also holds a 2-Year Post-Graduate Certificate from the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland, as well as certification in Family Therapy, Supervision, Mediation, and Trauma Recovery and Treatment (EMDR).By the very definition, a narcissist will not feel guilty because they cannot value the other's feelings or needs. They only focus on their own self-worth.
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Tips
- Keep in mind that narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a legitimate mental health condition that many people struggle to manage and overcome. Avoid diagnosing anyone as a narcissist without the input of a qualified medical professional, and don’t assume that someone is manipulative or abusive solely based on this diagnosis. [14] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to sourceThanks
- Take some time to get to know your own wants and needs before entering into another relationship, even if you think a new relationship will be completely different.Thanks
- Grieve the relationship if you need to. Even bad relationships may require a mourning period.Thanks
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References
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evolution-the-self/201311/6-signs-narcissism-you-may-not-know-about
- ↑ http://pro.psychcentral.com/exhausted-woman/2016/07/7-steps-in-healing-from-a-narcissistic-parent/
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/pro/recovery-expert/2019/12/common-traits-of-narcissists#1
- ↑ Liana Georgoulis, PsyD. Licensed Psychologist. Expert Interview. 6 September 2018.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-me-in-we/201203/when-narcissist-heads-the-household
- ↑ https://www.psychalive.org/narcissistic-relationships/
- ↑ https://www.psychalive.org/narcissistic-relationships/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201512/so-youre-in-relationship-narcissist-now-what
- ↑ http://pro.psychcentral.com/exhausted-woman/2016/07/7-steps-in-healing-from-a-narcissistic-parent/
- ↑ https://www.choosingtherapy.com/recovering-from-narcissistic-abuse/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201512/so-youre-in-relationship-narcissist-now-what
- ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662
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"Married to a narcissist for 22 years. It had taken its toll on my mental health until I found out about this disorder on the internet. Wow! It changed my life, and even though it has not been easy, I know I am a lot more confident. My husband hasn't gotten better, but I am stronger now and set my boundaries. Though every day is a challenge, I am coping better, especially with the help of contributors on this site and PsychCentral. Thank you very much. "
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"Thank you for this very informative article. Knowledge is power. Once you get the facts, you can start on your own recovery. When you can truly see them for what they are, their power diminishes big time! Stay safe and look after yourself. "
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"What helped me the most was that I realized that I am not being selfish by having my own needs and wants. And just to realize that I'm not crazy, my instincts are correct more than I give myself credit for."
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