15 Ways to Improve & Strengthen Your Marriage

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Expert tips and strategies to make your marriage amazing
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Marriage is an epic commitment—and a lifelong relationship requires a lifetime of effort to maintain. Your spouse might be your best friend, but there are still ways you can improve your relationship with them so that they feel safer and more loved. We got some of the best tips from relationship experts that you can put to work today to improve your marriage. Plus, we'll help you learn conflict resolution skills to make things run more smoothly.

Tips for Improving Your Relationship

  1. Talk to each other openly and honestly.
  2. Weave romantic rituals into your daily routine.
  3. Accept the changes as your relationship evolves.
  4. Spend quality time together with date nights and vacations.
  5. Maintain rich and fulfilling individual lives.
  6. Enjoy new experiences and activities together.
Section 1 of 4:

15 Ways to Make Your Marriage Better

  1. Little rituals give you a chance to connect with each other in the midst of an otherwise busy day. They remind you of how much you love each other and how wonderful each of you are. Sometimes it's as simple as pausing for a moment and thanking your spouse for joining you on this journey. [1]
    • For dating coach John Keegan, "this is quality time together, whatever it is, even if it's just having a coffee, it's really just about you and me being together, talking, discussing, connecting, touching, things like that."
  2. When you were dating, you made intentional plans to spend time together and focus on each other. But after couples get married, it's easy for that intentional dating to fall by the wayside. Make an effort to bring it back on a regular basis, and research shows your relationship will improve—especially if you have younger children. [2]
    • How often should you plan quality time ? A viral Reddit post might have the answer. The post describes the "2-2-2 rule," a system for quality time that requires a date night once every 2 weeks, a weekend away once every 2 months, and a longer vacation once every 2 years. [3]
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  3. Even though some things might not be all that fun to talk about, you'll improve your relationship every time you're honest with your spouse instead of hiding something or sweeping a concern under the rug. Honesty is a great way to show your spouse how much you love and respect them. [4]
    • This falls in line with the "5 C's" theory of a healthy relationship. These 5 things, considered essential for a healthy relationship, include communication , commitment, compromise, compassion or caring, and compatibility. [5]
    • Compatibility includes the idea of chemistry as well as the idea of having common goals and interests.
    • "If you want to show somebody that you love them," advises Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Allen Wagner, "sometimes it's understanding why certain things have certain meaning to them, and finding that beautiful, even if it's not something that historically or subjectively you've found meaning in."
  4. Keegan emphasizes that "the number one way to show someone that you like them, or that you're interested in them, is to pay attention to them." "As long as that person is in your life," he continues, "you can pay attention to them, really listen to them, when you're with them, nad not be distracted by your phone or extraneous things going on, and really be focused on them."
    • Psychotherapist Kelli Miller advises using a technique "called reflective listening where the partner says something and the other partner repeats back what that person said." This validates what your spouse is feeling and lowers the risk of misinterpretation.
    • "Spouses need to lean on [each other] during a time of crisis," Miller explains. She advises first asking your spouse "what they need, because everybody's going to need something different." Then you can figure out the best ways to support them.
    • Miller recommends "reminding your partner that you are a unit, and that you're in this together. So that person is reminded that yes, they're going through this crisis, but they don't have to really deal with that alone."
  5. "I want couples to have an organization where they have a meeting, something that has to happen once a week where they can deal with the logistical parts of their marriage," Wagner proposes. The meeting "will involve longer term goals, middle term goals, and shorter term goals of the week ahead," while also making sure that they're organizing their time effectively.
    • Make sure household chores are divided equitably so that both of you feel like you're contributing fairly. [6]
    • For Wagner, these weekly meetings can free you up to have actual conversations with each other: "When you take all of that away, it makes people very naked. It forces people to have to start to talk about the things that they think about, and they dream about." And those conversations about your thoughts and dreams strengthen your emotional bond.
  6. Long-term relationships do change over time, but research shows they tend to get better with time. While people often go through difficulties early on in marriage, those who stick it through report that things just keep getting better. The key is to accept things as they are, rather than looking back and imagining your relationship was better at some point in the past. [7]
    • It's easy to idealize those heady early days when you were first falling in love with your spouse and felt like you were walking on air. Those feelings come on in a rush and are overwhelming and intense.
    • The more stable and secure love that you settle into is no less powerful—it's just not quite as all-consuming as the infatuation you felt in those initial stages.
    • Reader Poll: We asked 1897 wikiHow readers who are in a long-term relationship with their partner, and 56% said that over time, the feelings of love and affection do change—but at the end of the day, both partners still care deeply for each other. [Take Poll] So if you’re worried about maintaining romance in the long term, take comfort in the fact that by continuing to prioritize your partner, you can maintain a loving connection.
  7. You fell in love with each other for who you are—don't lose yourselves in each other! Make sure that you're doing things that you enjoy doing, things that are meaningful to you, in addition to things that the two of you enjoy as a couple. [8]
    • It's fine if the two of you happen to have a lot in common and enjoy doing a lot of the same things—but it's still a good idea to branch out and do something on your own .
    • Spending time apart also gives you a chance to miss each other a little. "If you want to let someone know that you care," Wagner relates, "it's sometimes about seeing something when you're outside of the relationship that reminds you of the other person and lets them know you were thinking about them."
    • "[If] a person knows that they're in somebody's thoughts for really no specific gain… it feels really safe and really good," Wagner explains.
  8. "You would want to find something that works for the two of you as a couple," licensed professional counselor Tara Vossenkemper advises. There are a lot of different things that could appeal to you and your spouse, depending on your interests and your mood on any given day.
    • For example, you might decide to go hiking together and try out at least one new trail every month.
    • "In essence," Vossenkemper continues, "you have to kind of know yourself and know your partner… to make suggestions about what could work for the two of you."
    • Vossenkemper emphasizes that you "try to make time for having fun together by like, engaging and sharing experiences or by attempting to be playful, joking, laughing at things together."
  9. Want to be more satisfied in your marriage? Just make sure you both go to bed at the same time—or so at least one study shows. Couples who don't go to bed together, in contrast, tend to be pretty miserable with their nighttime routines and dissatisfied with their relationships in general. This makes turning in together a real win-win. [9]
    • Researchers were surprised to find that it actually didn't even really matter that much what couples did after they went to bed—the frequency with which they had sex or were physically intimate didn't affect their relationship satisfaction.
    • That means you can compromise by bringing a book or some work to bed with you if you aren't quite ready to go to sleep yet so that you're still in bed with your spouse as they drift off.
  10. You know that amazing feeling when you're learning something new and you've just gotten the hang of it for the first time? It feels even better when you share it with your spouse. Learning something together gives you the opportunity to share in that vulnerability as beginners and have the courage to grow together. [10]
    • For best results, make sure it's something that neither of you know how to do so that you can learn it from scratch together.
    • You might also try teaching each other something that one of you knows but the other doesn't. Playing around in the student and teacher roles can add new facets to your relationship.
  11. Couples who participate in new and exciting activities together tend to report higher levels of relationship satisfaction, according to at least one study. When you're experiencing something new, you're also vulnerable together, which deepens your emotional bonds. [11]
    • Exciting or stimulating activities might give an even greater relationship boost than activities that are merely "pleasant," according to another study. [12]
    • Even better, those enhanced feelings of relationship satisfaction can last for months or even years—all with just a few minutes of experience with your spouse.
    • Wagner says to save up for the things you each dream about. "I see a lot of people who fantasize about things they want to do as a couple, and one of the partners will shut it down because of money. But, how many months would it take to accumulate that amount? Maybe it would take two years, but you can start saving. Don't let that forgotten dream turn into resentment."
  12. People often look at flirting as a way to initially capture someone's attention. But just because you've already locked your spouse down doesn't mean they won't appreciate some playful flirting. Flirting isn't something that's really been studied extensively, but there's no question that it makes people feel desired, attractive, and interesting. [13]
    • Flirting in a marriage does look a little different than the way you might've flirted with someone on the other end of a crowded bar back in your single days. Basically, it's more focused on emotional connection than sex and physical attraction.
    • Flirting your way through marriage can also reduce tension between you and your spouse and help you fight less.
  13. While sex is important, being physically intimate in non-sexual ways is just as important for strengthening your bond as a couple. Physical closeness also has important benefits for your overall health and well-being, including a reduction in physiological stress. [14]
    • "You know, you can be great friends," Wagner concedes, "but if you're married and there is no physical intimacy, you become roommates. You may still love each other, respect each other, but you feel like something is missing if there is no physical intimacy."
  14. "Try to do something for your partner that is completely spontaneous, but don't let them know," advises marriage and family therapist Jacqueline House. She recommends this as a great way to help your spouse feel more appreciated.
    • For example, you might pick up some of their favorite energy drinks if you know they're going to be up late to finish an important project.
    • Why all the secrecy? Research shows overt support can make people feel obligated to reciprocate. When you stay behind the scenes, you get to help out your partner without them feeling like you're expecting anything in return. [15]
  15. When you show gratitude , your brain releases oxytocin—the same feel-good chemical associated with falling in love. And when you express your gratitude for your spouse, it helps the two of you feel closer and think more positively about each other. [16]
    • Wagner mentions this as something he sees lacking in relationships that have fallen into a rut: "There's a lack of reinforcement and positive gratitude toward each other, because everyone starts score-keeping on who's doing more."
  16. "I do think it's really important that we get self-care," Wagner explains. "Whether that's just seeing friends or going out and meeting some people after work for a drink, I do think it's really important. And I think that people neglect it far too much."
    • Self-care is about more than a spa day—although those are great too! It's about doing things that are meaningful to you so that you can feel fulfilled .
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Section 2 of 4:

Managing Conflict in a Healthy Relationship

  1. "People need to have mechanisms," Wagner emphasizes, so they're "not talking to each other in fight-or-flight positions, but coming and talking to each other in calmer positions where they can garner more empathy." There are lots of different practices that could potentially help you calm your emotions and process your thoughts and feelings. "Timeouts help you [when] you need a little space to digest" before you can continue a conversation, Miller explains.
    • Often all you need is to take a few deep, calming breaths and you'll start to feel yourself coming down. Just continue to breathe deeply and focus on your breath.
    • "I would do my 30 seconds of breathing," House advises. "Because you can't physically be angry and calm at the same time, it's biologically impossible."
    • House also recommends the 5321 technique: "You see 5 things, touch 4 things, hear 3 things, smell 2 things, and taste 1 thing." This technique can help ground you in the present.
    • Miller mentions journaling if it "helps you to write down your feelings," so you might try that and see if you find it beneficial.
  2. 2
    Set a goal of understanding rather than winning. When you think about winning an argument, you're setting yourself up against your spouse. Instead, remember that you and your spouse are on the same team. The only way the two of you can win together is if you understand each other and what you need. [17]
    • Understanding also allows you and your spouse to find solutions that take your individual motivations and needs into account.
  3. "The most common relationship problems are not things," Vossenkemper explains, "they are methods of communication. And so people will argue about the most asinine things, but they're not arguing about that thing. They are kind of arguing about the way that they're talking about that thing." When you make an "I" statement , you focus on how you feel rather than blaming your partner.
    • Vossenkemper calls this "a gentle startup. I feel angry. I feel upset. I feel sad. I feel ignored. I feel small…. Those are all actual feelings."
    • Come from a place of understanding that your spouse loves you and likely doesn't want to make you feel those ways. If they understand how you feel, they can adjust their behavior accordingly.
    EXPERT TIP

    John Keegan

    Dating Coach
    John Keegan is a Dating Coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. With over 10 years of professional experience, he runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health.
    John Keegan
    Dating Coach

    Learning to navigate challenges makes your relationship stronger. Every relationship has challenges and imperfections, but learning to get through them can actually strengthen the bond between you and your partner.

  4. 4
    Validate your spouse's feelings and apologize if you need to. When you validate your spouse's feelings , they know that you see them and understand how they feel. If you didn't intend for them to feel that way, it's usually appropriate to apologize . [18]
    • When you're angry, it's usually because you're hurt by something. Unpacking what hurt you and why will help you communicate with your spouse better. [19]
  5. Think about your happiest times together as a couple, then compare how you feel about those moments to however you feel about whatever you were arguing about. Chances are, you'll find it a lot easier to calm down and search for compromises with your spouse. [20]
    • Look at your relationship as an invisible third person in the room. When you resolve your conflict, you and your spouse come together to help that invisible third person.
    • Vossenkemper recommends that you remind yourself throughout the process that you "will likely never be on the same page with whatever the compromise is." That is, both you and your spouse will likely have to give something up individually for the good of the relationship.
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Section 3 of 4:

Repairing a Damaged Relationship

  1. Wagner emphasizes that when you have built up trauma and resentment, "you do need a third party. And that third party can't just be a referee. It has to be somebody that's going to be very structured in helping you with specific tasks."
    • In some situations, individual therapy can also be extremely important. For example, Wagner talks about clients who "have the feelings, but they don't know how to express [them]."
    • For someone in that situation, a therapist like Wagner can "help them to find the words, and to prompt them to say those things." And who wouldn't want to learn better ways to express themselves?
  2. 2
    Let go of the need to win an argument or be right. This is an important step in conflict resolution, but it takes on a larger role if you're trying to reconnect with your spouse after something major has damaged your relationship. The two of you will find it very difficult to move on as a couple unless you're willing to stop playing the blame game. It doesn't matter who was right and who was wrong. [21]
    • Essentially, if you can't let go of the need to be right, you're telling your spouse that your love for them is conditional—even if that's not true.
    • Repairing your relationship can't be about winners and losers. It has to be about you and your spouse coming together for the good of the marriage.
  3. Vulnerability is one of the most important qualities in a healthy relationship. To truly heal your relationship, Miller advises that "you have to really sit with that discomfort if you're feeling upset about something and then communicate it really well with your partner."
    • "We really need to be okay with having those uncomfortable conversations," Miller counseled, noting that the healthiest couples she's seen in her practice "recognize the importance of that."
  4. 4
    Start rebuilding from common ground. Given that you're married, it's likely that you have a lot of different things in common. Find something neutral or even positive that makes you smile to think about and go from there. Make it your goal to increase the number of smiles each day. [22]
    • Vossenkemper talks about "saying something that you want to see, rather than something that you don't want to see." Focus on the good things in the relationship and build on those.
    • This doesn't mean that you're ignoring your problems or pretending that everything's fine. It just means that you're emphasizing the positive while you work on the negative.
  5. Repairing a broken relationship requires a lot of hard work—and it can also require coming face-to-face with some personal issues you'd rather keep sweeping under the rug. You owe it to yourself and your spouse to check in with yourself and make sure you continue to be committed to making the effort. [23]
    • Miller emphasizes that "it does take time and you need to be patient."
    • "The success that I've seen are couples that really are thinking about the long term," she continues. They recognize that a single argument or mistake "is just a blip in their relationship, because they have their whole life ahead of them together."
    • "Relationships do take work," Miller cautions. "It's like anything else, what you put in, you get out."
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Section 4 of 4:

What does a healthy relationship look like?

  1. When you marry someone, you're telling them that you want to share the rest of your life with them. You trust and respect your spouse and the two of you approach challenges as a unified team. Here are some other signs you have a healthy marriage: [24]
    • You understand and respect each other's boundaries.
    • You and your partner feel safe and comfortable sharing your feelings or talking about anything with each other.
    • You and your partner have your own separate interests and respect each other's privacy.
    • You and your partner trust each other and know you can rely on each other.

How Do You Know If You Need Marriage Counseling?


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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.gottman.com/blog/3-daily-rituals-that-stop-spouses-from-taking-each-other-for-granted/
      2. ↑ https://ifstudies.org/blog/the-power-of-date-nights
      3. ↑ https://www.womansworld.com/life/relationships/2-2-2-rule-for-relationships
      4. ↑ https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/our-work/public-engagement/healthy-relationships/top-tips-building-and-maintaining-healthy-relationships
      5. ↑ https://www.mountmarty.edu/campus-life/counseling/mental-health-minute/5-cs-of-healthy-relationships/
      6. ↑ https://www.mindful.org/5-research-backed-ways-to-strengthen-your-marriage/
      7. ↑ https://ifstudies.org/blog/for-most-couples-who-stay-the-course-marriage-gets-better-with-time-an-interview-with-paul-r-amato
      8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/compassion-matters/201102/staying-compatible-staying-yourself
      9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/love-online/202102/why-partners-should-try-to-go-to-bed-at-the-same-time
      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/happiness-in-this-world/201004/trying-new-things
      2. ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/10707334
      3. ↑ https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/026540759301000205
      4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/myths-desire/201909/without-flirting-it-wouldnt-be-marriage
      5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/200911/10-ways-perk-your-relationship
      6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/200911/10-ways-perk-your-relationship
      7. ↑ https://extension.usu.edu/relationships/faq/the-importance-of-showing-gratitude-to-your-partner
      8. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/relationships/communication/conflict-resolution-skills
      9. ↑ https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/validation-defusing-intense-emotions-202308142961
      10. ↑ https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/our-work/public-engagement/healthy-relationships/top-tips-building-and-maintaining-healthy-relationships
      11. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/relationships/communication/conflict-resolution-skills
      12. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/relationships/communication/conflict-resolution-skills
      13. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/brothers-sisters-strangers/202405/agreeing-to-terms-of-engagement-to-repair-a-broken
      14. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/brothers-sisters-strangers/202405/agreeing-to-terms-of-engagement-to-repair-a-broken
      15. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/signs-of-a-healthy-relationship

      About This Article

      Article Summary X

      To improve your relationship with your spouse, start by focusing on open and honest communication. Tell your spouse about your hopes, dreams, and fears, and be sure to listen when your partner opens up about their feelings, too. It's normal to argue from time to time, but strive to let go of things that aren't worth fighting over and be willing to compromise when the two of you disagree. Also, increasing physical contact by holding hands, snuggling, and being affectionate can help you feel closer to your spouse. To make sure your spouse feels appreciated, take time to express gratitude for the little things they do, like cooking a meal, fixing a broken cabinet, or just picking something up for you at the store. For tips from our Therapist co-author on how to rekindle the romance, read on!

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