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We’ve all been there: you get so busy with work, school, and romantic relationships that by the time you remember to hit up your old friends, 6 months have gone by! While it can feel a little weird at first, getting older means finding new friends and losing others, and it’s a completely normal thing that happens to us all. In this article, we’ve answered your questions about why we lose touch with friends and what happens to the friendships we thought would be forever.
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Question 2 of 6:
Why do I lose interest in my friends?
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You might have gone through a big change in your life. Things like going to college, getting a new partner, getting married, and having children are super exciting, but they can also distract you from your friends and create some distance. It’s not necessarily a bad thing—as we go through phases in our life, we’re bound to meet new people and get too busy to make time for our old friends. [2] X Expert Source Lena Dicken, Psy.D
Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 15 December 2020. -
You may be focused on just a few relationships. As we age, we tend to narrow our social circles down quite a bit. Instead of having a large group of friends, we have a few close friends and maybe a romantic partner. [3] X Expert Source Lena Dicken, Psy.D
Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 15 December 2020. We might also grow closer to our parents or our siblings and spend more time with them. If you used to have a large group of acquaintances and you’ve narrowed it down to a few close people, that’s great! It doesn’t mean that you’re a bad person, it just means that you’ve changed a bit. [4] X Research source -
You might not be around them as often. When you lose your natural venue of keeping in touch, it’s more likely that you won’t see your friends as often. If you made your friends at work or during school, and then you found a new job or graduated, you won’t see them every day anymore. This can make it tough to keep up with them, and you might lose interest in keeping up the relationship. [5] X Research source
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Question 3 of 6:
Why do old friends ignore you?
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They might just be busy. Think about how busy you’ve been recent. Now, imagine your friends are in the same boat (which, if you’re all around the same age, they probably are). If you’ve texted or called and you just can’t get ahold of your friend, chalk it up to the fact that they’re probably busy with work, school, or family stuff. [6] X Expert Source Lena Dicken, Psy.D
Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 15 December 2020. Most of the time, people aren’t ignoring you to be mean—they just simply can’t find the time to reach out right now, and that’s okay. [7] X Research source- If you think that’s the case, don’t give up on your friend! Let them know that you’re here whenever they’re free, and let them reach out to you when they have some time.
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They might be angry or annoyed at you. While it’s probably not the case, sometimes when a person is mad at you, they’ll just ignore you. If you and your friend got into a fight and now you can’t get ahold of them, send them one last message saying that you’d really like to talk. After that, the ball is in their court, and they can reach out to you when they’re ready to reconcile. [8] X Research source
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Question 5 of 6:
How do I stop losing touch with my friends?
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Reach out on social media or through text. As we get older, we might not have the time to dedicate a few hours (or a full day) to hanging out with a friend. A great way to stay connected is to follow your friends on social media and send them messages every now and then. This is a good way to stay updated on their lives without putting a ton of pressure on them (or yourself). [10] X Research source
- If you live far away, you could even schedule video chats to hang out with your friends virtually.
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Make specific plans with a date and a time. Instead of reaching out and saying “We should hang out sometime!” try something a little more concrete. If you propose a fun plan to hang out, your friend is much more likely to say yes (or give you an alternative if that doesn’t work). [11] X Research source
- For instance, you could reach out and say, “Hey! I was thinking of trying out that new bar downtown this weekend. Care to join me on Friday?”
- Or, “I just bought tickets to the Tame Impala concert in February! Wanna tag along?”
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Question 6 of 6:
When should you let go of a friendship?
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Let go of the friendship when you’ve grown too far apart. As we age, we tend to change and evolve from who we were as kids. If you and your friends are much different people from your younger years, that’s okay, and it’s no one’s fault. [12] X Expert Source Lena Dicken, Psy.D
Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 15 December 2020. Not having much in common is a totally valid reason to stop hanging out, and there won’t be any hard feelings on either end. [13] X Research source -
2Let go of the friendship when you make the effort, but they don’t. Maybe you’ve called, texted, and messaged them over and over, but they just don’t reciprocate. A friend ignoring you never feels good, and you shouldn’t keep trying just to get rejected again. If you feel like you’ve done all you can do to stay in touch, give yourself permission to stop reaching out and let the friendship fade away. [14] X Research source
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionWhat to do when you feel ignored by your friends?Dr. Lena Dicken is a Clinical Psychologist based in Santa Monica, California. With over eight years of experience, Dr. Dicken specializes in therapy for anxiety, depression, life transitions, and relationship difficulties. She utilizes an integrative approach combining Psychodynamic, Cognitive Behavioral, and Mindfulness-based therapies. Dr. Dicken holds a BS in Integrative Medicine from the University of Hawaii at Manoa, an MA in Counseling Psychology from Argosy University Los Angeles, and a Doctor of Psychology (Psy.D) in Clinical Psychology from the Chicago School of Professional Psychology at Westwood. Dr. Dicken’s work has been featured in GOOP, The Chalkboard Magazine, and in numerous other articles and podcasts. She is a licensed psychologist with the state of California.So this is just sort of a case where maybe you followed up with somebody a couple of times, and they haven't responded and is ignoring you. I think a good way to approach this would be trying to reach out and say something along the lines of, “I've tried reaching out a couple of times, maybe you're going through something that you're not comfortable sharing with me, or maybe you're just not up for connecting with me right now. I just want to let you know that I'm here. And I hope we can connect in the future.”
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QuestionWhat to say to someone when they don't accept your apology?Dr. Lena Dicken is a Clinical Psychologist based in Santa Monica, California. With over eight years of experience, Dr. Dicken specializes in therapy for anxiety, depression, life transitions, and relationship difficulties. She utilizes an integrative approach combining Psychodynamic, Cognitive Behavioral, and Mindfulness-based therapies. Dr. Dicken holds a BS in Integrative Medicine from the University of Hawaii at Manoa, an MA in Counseling Psychology from Argosy University Los Angeles, and a Doctor of Psychology (Psy.D) in Clinical Psychology from the Chicago School of Professional Psychology at Westwood. Dr. Dicken’s work has been featured in GOOP, The Chalkboard Magazine, and in numerous other articles and podcasts. She is a licensed psychologist with the state of California.There are certainly things that are easily forgivable, and depending on the person who needs to do the forgiving, they might have prior situations where they've been hurt before. It's tough, I don't think it's a one-size-fits all answer. The one thing that you could do is try to communicate to them. Just let them know that you're there for them, and you're not going to turn your back because they haven't forgiven you yet, but that you're there for them and that you're sorry.
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References
- ↑ https://socialself.com/blog/losing-friends/
- ↑ Lena Dicken, Psy.D. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 15 December 2020.
- ↑ Lena Dicken, Psy.D. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 15 December 2020.
- ↑ https://www.cnn.com/2016/06/06/health/losing-friends-mid-twenties/index.html
- ↑ https://socialself.com/blog/losing-friends/
- ↑ Lena Dicken, Psy.D. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 15 December 2020.
- ↑ https://socialself.com/blog/losing-friends/
- ↑ https://www.nbcnews.com/better/health/how-know-when-it-s-time-break-friend-ncna824491
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-health/cultivating-happiness.htm
- ↑ https://www.readersdigest.ca/health/relationships/keep-touch-move-away/
- ↑ https://www.readersdigest.ca/health/relationships/keep-touch-move-away/
- ↑ Lena Dicken, Psy.D. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 15 December 2020.
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/health/ways-to-let-go-of-a-friendship#is-it-time-to-let-go
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/health/ways-to-let-go-of-a-friendship#how-to-end-it
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