How to Know if Your Girlfriend Is Jealous

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Has your girlfriend seemed more anxious and controlling lately? Is she angrier and more agitated than usual when you spend time with other women? You might be wondering if your girlfriend has been acting this way because she’s jealous. Though jealousy has many causes and is normal in relationships, it can be tough, confusing, and stressful to deal with⁠—especially when she seems to distrust you no matter what you say. We’ve put together some common behaviors to help you figure out what’s going on⁠; if your girlfriend is engaging in some of these, it may be a sign that she really is jealous, and something about the relationship needs to be addressed. [1]

1

She needs to know every detail of your life.

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  1. If she requires constant disclosure and feels the need to monitor everything that you do, that could be a sign that she’s jealous. Even if you reassure her otherwise or if her claims are irrational, she might continue to express suspicion about your infidelity, leaving you confused about how to gain back her trust. [2]
    • For example, she might ask you every day where you were at one in the afternoon, or what you were doing after you got off from work.
    • Your girlfriend may just be showing concern and care for you⁠—but if you feel that her questioning is becoming excessive, it may be worth bringing up.
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2

She tries to control what you do.

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  1. It might seem like it’s not enough for her to just know how you’re spending your time⁠⁠—in addition to this, she may tell you that you’re not allowed to talk to certain people, like a female coworker, or go to certain places.
    • Communicate with your girlfriend and try to better understand why she is putting limitations on what you can and cannot do.
    • It’s tough to feel that your girlfriend is gradually isolating you by laying down so many restrictions on your life⁠—and it’s possible that she’s doing it to try and keep you away from potential rivals.
3

She looks through your personal correspondence.

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  1. This could include going through your phone to look at your text messages and emails or logging into your social media accounts, even after you tell her that this isn’t okay with you. If she continues to intrude after you ask her not to, it may be a sign that she suspects that you are talking to potential rivals and feels the urge to check herself. [3]
    • For example, she may question you about Instagram posts that you’ve liked, asking who another woman is and why you liked her post.
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4

She goes through your belongings.

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  1. If she never seems to trust you, it may be because she’s paranoid about verifying your words firsthand⁠—and is willing to look through your possessions and invade your privacy to do so. [4]
    • For example, she might always look through every receipt in your wallet or demand to see your credit card bills.
5

She asks you about your past relationship history.

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  1. If she seems to be interrogating you about details of previous relationships, like how long they lasted or why the relationship ended, it may be because she’s feeling “retrospective jealousy” about your past. Or, she may be using it as a way to reassure herself that she’s a good current girlfriend. [5]
    • Of course, just because she asks about your relationship history doesn’t always mean she’s jealous! She may just genuinely be curious and trying to get to know you better.
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6

She gets upset when you talk to other women.

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  1. If you notice that she’s unhappy about this, it might be because she sees this as a betrayal of your relationship. Her reactions may seem passive-aggressive or ambiguous. She may be trying to send a “message” or “sign” that she’s hurt because she fears that you are no longer attracted to her. [6]
    • For example, you might be catching up with an old college friend at a gathering, but afterwards she tells you she is angry and asks you if you are bored of her.
7

She gets upset when you talk about other women.

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  1. Even if you’re just bringing up a friend or acquaintance, she may become sad or angry and ask you to stop talking about the other person⁠, leaving you wondering what you said wrong. If so, it may be due to her feeling threatened or thinking that you find the other woman more attractive than her. [7]
    • For example, if you mention that you had a great conversation with a coworker about a shared hobby during work, she might react badly and accuse you of flirting and not respecting your relationship.
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8

She compares herself to other women.

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  1. If she constantly brings up things she feels insecure about, like how she’s not as pretty as another woman, it might be because she’s jealous and thinks she’s missing those attractive qualities. [8]
    • Making comparisons doesn’t always mean your girlfriend is jealous⁠ of someone else—she might just be feeling vulnerable or down about herself. Consider asking her if anything’s wrong, and if you can support or reassure her in any way.
9

She compares your relationship to other relationships.

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  1. She might point out relationships she sees on social media or in person, or express dissatisfaction about the current status or dynamic. If she doesn’t seem to appreciate the effort you’re putting into the relationship and talks frequently about how she would like to “fix” or “improve” the relationship so that it’s closer to what she wants, this might be a sign that she’s jealous of other couples.
    • For example, she might tell you that she wishes you would hold her hand more in public when you walk past another couple at the mall that is holding hands.
    • Rather than being jealous, it’s also possible that your girlfriend wants to improve your relationship. It may be worth talking together about how you both feel about your current dynamic, and asking her what she might be satisfied or dissatisfied about.
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10

She gets upset when you don’t call or text back quickly enough.

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  1. She seems to feel abandoned and rejected if you don’t get back to her quickly enough. If you reply to her in a reasonable amount of time but she still always thinks it’s too “late,” this may be a sign that she thinks you are ignoring her and is jealous of the attention you're giving others. [9]
    • For example, you may be really busy at work and aren’t able to respond to her text for an hour⁠—but she doesn’t accept your apology and thinks you did it on purpose.
    • Your girlfriend may also just want you to show her more affection or is feeling lonely, so consider talking with her to make sure you’re on the same page about how frequently the two of you want to communicate.
11

She gets upset when you hang out with other friends.

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  1. It’s not just other women⁠—if she’s even paranoid when you do things with friends, she might be seeing your reduced availability as threatening and stressful, and a sign that you’re not prioritizing the relationship. [10]
    • For example, she might accuse you of taking away time from the relationship when you go out to play basketball or video games with friends, or when you meet up to go hiking for the day.
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12

She wants to go everywhere with you.

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  1. She doesn’t seem to respect your need for time alone even when you really need to recharge, or if you have different interests. This may be a sign that she wants to verify firsthand that you’re not seeing someone else. [11]
    • For example, you might tell her you’re going to make a trip to the store to pick up a couple of groceries. Even though you’re going alone and it won’t take long, she insists on coming with you.
    • However, your girlfriend may really just want to spend more time with you, so consider checking in with her if you’re not sure whether she’s jealous.
13

Open up a conversation if you think she’s jealous.

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  1. If your girlfriend is showing many of these signs, it’s important to be honest about your concerns and how it’s making you feel. Jealousy is a normal occurrence in many relationships⁠⁠, but talking about it explicitly before resentment builds up is better and healthier in the long run, especially if it’s really beginning to hinder your relationship. [12]
    • You never know⁠—her jealousy might even be due to a miscommunication or misunderstanding. That’s why it’s so important to get on the same page as soon as you can!
    EXPERT TIP

    Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC

    Professional Therapist
    Moshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF).
    Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
    Professional Therapist

    Some jealousy is normal, but it shouldn't control your life. Watch for red flags from your girlfriend, like constant suspicion or attempts to limit your activities. Talk to her calmly about the impact of her actions. If her jealousy becomes excessive, consider seeking professional help together.

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  • Question
    How do I deal with my jealous partner?
    Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
    Professional Therapist
    Moshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF).
    Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
    Professional Therapist
    Expert Answer
    Encourage them to discuss and explore how they're feeling rather than resorting to blame. Invite them to share their feelings directly, like "I feel jealous. I don't know what to do. I would appreciate it if you could do X or Y. How do you feel about that?"
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      • Try to discover whether there’s a root cause for her jealousy. If you can figure out where it’s coming from, you may have a better idea about how to address it with her. There are many possible reasons why she may be jealous, such as low self-esteem or unrealistic expectations. [13]
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/friendship-20/201506/20-signs-your-partner-is-controlling
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/friendship-20/201506/20-signs-your-partner-is-controlling
      3. ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5380380/
      4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/friendship-20/201506/20-signs-your-partner-is-controlling
      5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/jealousy
      6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/friendship-20/201506/20-signs-your-partner-is-controlling
      7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/anxiety-files/200805/jealousy-is-killer-how-break-free-your-jealousy
      8. ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5380380/
      9. ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5380380/
      1. ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5380380/
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/friendship-20/201506/20-signs-your-partner-is-controlling
      3. ↑ https://www.apa.org/topics/marriage/healthy-relationships
      4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/199203/romantic-jealousy

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