Leaving the Laestadian Lutheran church can be daunting. Once the news get out that you have left, you will be inundated with texts, phone calls, letters and visits from well-meaning friends and family who will do their best to make you feel so guilty and afraid that you cave in and go back, just to avoid having to deal with their constant tears and pleas and manipulative behavior.
Steps
Part 1
Part 1 of 3:
Build Your Support System
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Start by making quiet friendships with people outside the church. If you don't have anyone to talk to and you don't have someone to use as a sounding board about the craziness of your feelings/life after you leave, it's going to be really hard to stay gone.
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Connect through multiple avenues. Make friends with people at work, at school, maybe in an EFCE group if you're a mom, at the gym, anywhere.Advertisement
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Just start. It can be as easy as asking someone from work to go get lunch with you. You don't want to feel like you're floating out in the middle of nowhere.
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Find other people who have left and get in touch with them. They will probably be happy to hear from you.Advertisement
Part 2
Part 2 of 3:
Deciding to Leave
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Mull it over. Think long and hard about what you want from life. Soul-seek. Visualize your life without boundaries.
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Think about what you see for yourself in the future. If it involves anything outside the confines of the religion, leave now and never look back.
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Realize that families can be made by birth or by choice. If you need to, choose to make a new family.
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Consider whether you agree with the church's outlook. When they say that you have to live by faith, what they really mean is that you have to submit to the rules of the church. It's not about "faith". It's about blind submission.
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Get professional support. Get a really good therapist. This will help with your decision and the transition if you do leave the church.
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Rip off the bandaid. Come out of the closet with those who need to know. Then, run. Run as fast as you can from the giant vacuum sucking the life out of you. Live! Breathe! Do it on your terms on your timeline.Advertisement
Part 3
Part 3 of 3:
Rebuilding Your Life
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Make really cool friends that truly care about you. And when you're ready to make peace with those who feel "hurt" by your decision, then you can. Realize that some of the people who push you the hardest to come back are trying to talk themselves into staying.
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Know that it's okay to choose to be different. When you change a behavior you've been taught/programmed to do your whole life, you can feel anxious about the change. This is a normal human feeling, not like a burning bush talking to Moses. That lonely, uneasy feeling is easy to misinterpret as God telling you to go back. Relax. He is not.
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Know that you will probably experience some grief at the same time as you are elated about your freedom. You have just orchestrated a massive change in your life, and there are good things about the church that you will miss, like friendships, the camaraderie with people who understand exactly what you are going through, and family relationships. Allow yourself to go through the grieving process at whatever pace feels right for you. And remember that all the comfort and familiarity that you are missing comes hand-in-hand with all the reasons that made you leave. You can't have one without the other.
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Be prepared for family and friends to treat you differently. They may say they can't trust you anymore, or tell you that you don't understand faith matters anymore, as if you hadn't spent your whole life learning them. Hopefully your family will be more understanding than that, but it happens more often than not.
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Consider a move. If you can time leaving with moving to a different location, it might be easier. You won't have the familiar cues and people drawing you back in from habit.
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Read the Bible. It might sound counter-intuitive, but do it. Really read it, and weigh what you read against what you have been taught about the LLC being the ONLY right church. Realize that the Finnish Apostolic Lutheran Church, who split from the LLC around 1973, says the EXACT same thing about the LLC that the LLC thinks about them: that you are heretics and lost and going to hell. It makes you afraid to question, which makes you afraid to doubt, which makes you unable to think clearly about it.
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Try visiting another church outside the LLC denomination. Listen to what they say about faith and grace. Be surprised. Listen online if you can't bring yourself to physically go or you're afraid someone will see you. You will find that churches come in all different flavors, just like ice cream. Find one you like and just ask questions. People will be happy to talk to you.
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Think about a break from religion. You don't have to go. Take a break from church and just rest. You don't ever have to go if you don't want to. Not everyone will.
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Remember, you can choose to change. The first thing you change is your mind.Advertisement
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Tips
- If you decide you want to try wearing makeup but don't know where to start, go to the makeup counter at a department store, and ask for help. The clerks are good at what they do, and it will help keep you from using too heavy a hand at first and looking like a clown.Thanks
- If you want to try drinking, do it with people you trust. Start out slow so you don't get sick. Pace yourself--don't allow yourself to get pressured into having too much. You have nothing to prove to anyone.Thanks
- If you decide to become sexually active, take your time choosing a partner. This can go along with only drinking with people you trust because if you are under the influence, it's much more difficult to keep your head straight. There are plenty of people out there who will try to take advantage of you if you don't pay attention. Make informed choices. Value yourself, and don't allow others to pressure you into sex before you're ready.Thanks
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Warnings
- If you go back to make someone else happy, you are doing it for the wrong reason.Thanks
- People you are close to may react in volatile ways. Spiritual abuse is always inappropriate, and disengaging from conversations or leaving uncomfortable situations is always acceptable.Thanks
- You will experience anxiety. This is normal. Resolve to wait it out.Thanks
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