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Learn to move forward with your friendship after an unexpected smooch
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In close friendships, feelings can get confusing and surprising things can happen...including a kiss or two! If you and a pal have shared a kiss (and now you have no idea what to do), you've come to the right place. Communication can solve all of your problems, whether you just want things to return to normal, or you're interested in starting something romantic. Read through our guide below, and you'll know how to navigate the situation with ease. Let's jump in!
Things You Should Know
- Communicate how the kiss made you feel and ask your friend to do the same. Once everything's on the table, decide how to proceed together.
- If you two decide to remain friends, stick to this plan. Do your best to treat them as you would've before the kiss.
- If you decide to explore a romantic relationship together, consider going on a date to get to know each other in that way a little better.
- Respect your friendship by keeping the kiss to yourself. Don't gossip about your pal or tell everyone what happened; treat them how you want to be treated.
Steps
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Take a break if you feel you need one. For many people, it might be helpful to put a little distance between them and the friend they kissed, especially since this can reduce some of the tension or awkwardness. [1] X Research source Maria Avgitidis. Dating Expert. Personal interview. 20 December 2019. Taking a break might give you the strength and the perspective you need to continue the friendship, no matter what your feelings might be.- Make sure to explain to your friend that you need a break. If you just stop talking to them altogether, they might think that you don't want to be friends anymore. But by telling them directly, you're setting a clear boundary . [2] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source
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Talk about the kiss. The first thing to do after you kiss is talk about it openly. Discussing what happened is the first step in maintaining your friendship. Ultimately, your discussion will help you both agree on how you want to act and how you want to proceed. [3] X Research source- Share your feelings about what happened. Say something like, "I feel we really need to talk about our kiss."
- Discuss your concerns about what it means for your friendship. Or, you could try: "I'm worried that the kiss might hurt our relationship, and I want to stay friends."
- Or, if you have feelings for them, let them know how you feel . If either of you likes the other romantically, it is best to get that out in the open. This way, there's no room for miscommunication, and one way or another, you two can move forward together.
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Come to an agreement about how to proceed. After you’ve talked about the kiss, come to an agreement about how you want to handle it and move forward. Coming to an agreement will enable you both to know how you should act around each other. Depending on how you both feel and what you want, decide on:- How you want to move forward as friends. Example: "I just want to stay friends, and I'll do whatever it takes to make that happen."
- Whether or not you'll tell other friends. Example: "I'd rather us keep this between the two of us. That way, there won't be any confusion or gossip."
- How you’ll want to maintain a romantic relationship, if that's what you want. Example: "It sounds like there might be something here...I think we should go on an official date."
- Whether or not you'll have physical contact in the future. Example: "I'm not sure how I feel, but I think if we kiss again, it'd make things more confusing. I don't think I want it to happen again."
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Continue to listen to their thoughts and feelings going forward. While your initial conversation might have solved a lot of problems and set the tone for a continued friendship, one or both of you might still be confused about your relationship. At the same time, one or both of you might still have some feelings for each other. This is why it is essential to continue communication in order to avoid confusion. [4] X Research source- If your friend wants to talk to you, encourage them to do so.
- "I just want you to know that if your feelings change or you want to keep talking, I'm here. I want to make sure that we really understand each other and that you feel heard."
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Continue being open and honest about your emotions, too. Say something like, "I think we should be completely open about how we feel about the kiss and each other." [5] X Research source- If it works for your relationship, talk about your feelings on a regular basis. This could be weekly, or it could be more frequent. [6] X Research source
- If new feelings arise, share them: "I think I might be starting to have romantic feelings for you. Can we talk about that?"
- Or, if you want, share that you're happy you stayed friends: "I'm so glad we committed to our friendship, not a romantic relationship. I'm glad to have you in my life!"
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Follow the plan that you two decided on together. After you’ve communicated, come to an agreement, and worked out any confusion, you need to abide by the understanding you’ve both come to. This will prevent any awkward situations.- Try to internalize what your friend said in your prior conversations. If you’ve both agreed to just “be friends,” then act as friends would.
- If you still hold feelings for your friend but they don't want to be romantically involved, don't act on your feelings (we know, this is easier said than done). Remember, you both came to an agreement to be friends, and to keep your friendship, respect that. If you're struggling with your feelings, reach out to a loved one for help, because you deserve to feel supported.
- Even if you don't have romantic feelings, it might still feel confusing at times after a kiss. Continue reminding yourself that you made the right choice, and vent to friends for extra support. [7] X Research source
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Act as normally as possible around each other if you choose to be just friends. Acting normally is key to maintaining your friendship. If you act awkwardly or treat your friend differently, it could endanger your relationship.- There is no need to act nervous or avoid your friend. You two care about each other and you're putting the past behind you, so feel free to relax.
- If you’re nervous or feel awkward around your friend, talk to them about it. Honesty can help you both feel at ease.
- Whether or not you have feelings for your friend, a little awkwardness after a kiss is normal. Try taking a few deep breaths and remind yourself that the nervousness or awkwardness will fade with time.
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Be a good friend to them. Perhaps the most important thing you need to do to stay friends is to do just that—stay friends. If you two choose to stay friends (instead of exploring a romance), then your chances of maintaining the friendship will be higher if you just focus on being a great pal.- Continue to talk to your friend. Share thoughts and feelings, just like you would've before the kiss. [8] X Research source
- Continue to do things together. Try to enjoy your time together, like you normally would. Fun is an important foundation of friendship.
- Continue to view each other as friends. This one can be tough. Whether you have feelings for your friend or not, it can be confusing to kiss someone, and then return to a platonic relationship. Keep reminding yourself that you made this choice for a reason, and things will go back to normal in time.
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Avoid sharing information with others. Sharing details about the kiss or telling others about conversations you’ve had about it will only endanger your relationship. Remember, the kiss and the post-kiss conversations were done in trust. [9] X Research source- By not sharing, you’ll eliminate the possibility of gossip that could hurt or offend either of you.
- Avoid involving others in your conversations about the kiss. It is best to deal with the situation between the two of you.
- Only tell others about the kiss or the post-kiss conversation if both of you agree to do so.
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Resist the urge to be jealous . Ultimately, one or both of you might wind up in a relationship soon after your kiss. While it's perfectly natural to feel a little bit jealous (even if you never had feelings for your friend), try to keep those feelings in check and resist jealousy as much as you can. In the end, being jealous or resentful will only undermine your friendship. And if you two have decided to stay friends, then jealousy could get in the way of that.- Don’t act out or be passive-aggressive toward your friend after they’ve entered a new relationship.
- Remind yourself that you want your friend to be happy. If their new partner makes them happy, then remember: this is what you want for them.
- Treat your friend’s new love interest as a friend as well. Being mean will only endanger your relationship.
- If you have any concerns or issues with your friend’s new love interest, it is best to keep the thoughts to yourself or to discuss them with your friend.
- On the other hand, if you have no issues with your friend's new partner, that's great! In that case, go ahead and enjoy getting to know them.
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Maintain activities with mutual friends. To stay friends, try to stay connected with the other pals in your friendship circle. This means that you can continue to do things together, as a group.- Continue to do the same activities you’ve done in the past. Maybe your friend group loves movies, picnics, or concerts. Whatever it is, go enjoy it together!
- Don’t try to win over or steal a friend in the group. Whether or not you have feelings for this friend, the kiss might be confusing (and maybe you find yourself tempted to do unusual things!). If you're tempted to gain the favor of the group for any reason, resist that urge.
- And on that note, don't exclude the friend you've kissed from group activities.
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionCan you go back to being friends after hooking up?Maria Avgitidis is the CEO & Matchmaker of Agape Match, a matchmaking service based out of New York City. For over a decade, she has successfully combined four generations of family matchmaking tradition with modern relationship psychology and search techniques to ensure her professional clientele are introduced to their ultimate match. Maria and Agape Match have been featured in The New York Times, The Financial Times, Fast Company, CNN, Esquire, Elle, Reuters, Vice, and Thrillist.Before taking a break, discuss with your friend how it'll work. You might decide to not talk or hang out in person, but still text, or you may decide to take a break entirely. It's up to you.
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QuestionWhat if you’ve realised the person you kissed was a player and you found out that he kissed someone else a little while after? But you’ve both haven’t interacted well since and you want to be best friends?This answer was written by one of our trained team of researchers who validated it for accuracy and comprehensiveness.wikiHow Staff EditorStaff AnswerGood question. If you're genuinely dedicated to being friends, then the fact that your friend is a player might work to your benefit! In that case, they might think of kisses a little more casually then you do. Start a conversation and ask them how they feel (then, let them know how you feel). Then, decide on a way to proceed together.
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QuestionWhat if both friends are engaged? Should they both tell their partner and apologize? Would it mean they really “like” each other and not their partner or can you be in love and kiss a friend mistakenly?This answer was written by one of our trained team of researchers who validated it for accuracy and comprehensiveness.wikiHow Staff EditorStaff AnswerHmmm...The question might not be "Can you kiss a friend when you're in love with your partner?" but rather, "Can you have an open, healthy relationship while you're keeping secrets?" Mistakes happen, and a lot of the time, partners are willing to forgive. But both of the friends should let their partners know and give them that chance.
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References
- ↑ Maria Avgitidis. Dating Expert. Personal interview. 20 December 2019.
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/setting-healthy-boundaries-in-relationships.htm
- ↑ https://portal.ct.gov/AdvocatesCorner/Life-Tips/Your-Choices/Healthy-Friendships-and-Relationships
- ↑ https://portal.ct.gov/AdvocatesCorner/Life-Tips/Your-Choices/Healthy-Friendships-and-Relationships
- ↑ https://portal.ct.gov/AdvocatesCorner/Life-Tips/Your-Choices/Healthy-Friendships-and-Relationships
- ↑ http://www.scienceofrelationships.com/home/2012/5/4/sex-in-friendships-friendship-after-sex.html
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-friendship-doctor/201112/accidental-kiss-between-friends-can-it-be-forgiven
- ↑ https://news.extension.uconn.edu/2014/06/09/the-importance-of-healthy-friendships/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/lifetime-connections/201809/6-rules-healthy-friendships
About This Article
Article Summary
X
Kissing a friend can be exciting if you’ve developed feelings for each other, but sometimes it can make things awkward between you. If you want to stay just friends after a kiss, you may need to take a break from your friend for a while to process your feelings. When you’re ready, talk to them about the kiss and express your feelings and concerns. Say something like, “Our friendship means a lot to me. I hope what happened hasn’t hurt things between us.” If possible, come to an agreement with your friend about how to move forward. For example, you might agree not to kiss again, or promise each other not to tell your other friends what happened. Keep having open conversations with your friend if you still feel confused. It may take a while to work through things together, and that’s okay. Spend time with your friend and do the same kinds of activities you did together before the kiss. If you stick to your routines and keep things relaxed between you, the awkwardness should start to pass. For tips on how to avoid feeling jealous following your kiss, read on!
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