This article was co-authored by Liana Georgoulis, PsyD
and by wikiHow staff writer, Dev Murphy, MA
. Dr. Liana Georgoulis is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist based in Los Angeles, California. She is the founder and clinical director of Coast Psychological Services. With over 12 years of experience, her mission is to provide clients with effective, well-studied, and established treatments that bring about significant improvements in her patients' lives. Her practice provides cognitive behavioral therapy and other evidence-based therapies for adolescents, adults, and couples. Additionally, she provides group therapy for social anxiety, social skills, and assertiveness training. Providing a space where clients feel understood and supported is essential to her work. Dr. Georgoulis also provides clinical supervision to post-doctoral fellows and psychological assistants. She received her PhD in Clinical Psychology from Pepperdine University and a BA in Psychology from the University of California, Los Angeles.
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It can be difficult to be in a relationship with a narcissistic person, and even if you decide it’s best to move on, it’s natural to still feel hurt. You might wish that your ex would regret losing you, or perhaps you just want them to know that you’re doing better without them. While you can’t force them to feel remorse, there are some things you can do to show them what they’re missing and, more importantly, help you move on. Just remember that only a licensed therapist can diagnose Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), and not everyone with narcissistic tendencies has clinical NPD. [1] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
Steps
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Walk away and end communication to signal that you are done with them. Going no-contact is the best way to deal with them, although they may keep trying to reach out to get your attention. To help you stand strong and manage the stress of ignoring your ex, remind yourself to take deep relaxing breaths . Try stress-reduction techniques like mindful meditation or journaling too. [2] X Research source
- If you have kids with your ex or you're colleagues, you may not be able to cut off all communication. Keep your interactions dedicated to discussing childcare or talking about work.
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Turn your energy inward to distract yourself and move on. Don't give this person the satisfaction of seeing you lonely or depressed—they'll feel like they still have power over you. If they call or text, ignore them. If you can't, tell them that you're busy doing something else. [3] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source
- Tell them that you can't talk or meet up because your schedule is too busy. For instance, maybe you've always wanted to learn how to throw pottery, take a jiu-jitsu class, or travel more.
- Maybe you've got dreams that you always put off. Now's a good time to make positive changes in your life, so go for them.
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Being around people who respect you can make you feel empowered. This will show your ex that you’re valued by others—but more importantly, it’ll remind you you’re not in this alone, and you’re loved. With emotional support, you may even start to realize that you're ready to move on with your life and you don't care what your ex thinks about you. [4] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source
- If you don't feel like you can talk with your friends or family about this person, try reaching out to an online support group, or consider therapy .
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Come to terms with the fact that you can't make them feel a certain way. Push yourself to move on because your ex may not miss you, despite your efforts. They may miss the energy you devoted to them, but many people with narcissistic tendencies struggle to care for others. [5] X Expert Source Adam Dorsay, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist & TEDx Speaker Expert Interview. 1 April 2019. You deserve better! Imagine how much happier you could be with someone else who genuinely appreciates you.- If their ego is very fragile, they may never regret the way they treated you either because they'll find ways to justify their behavior. [6] X Research source
wikiHow Quiz: Am I Dating a Narcissist?
How did they act when you first started dating?
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Remaining calm and rational will help you heal quicker in the long run. It's natural to want to hurt someone who hurt you, but remind yourself that moving on and not letting them get to you is what’s best for you in the long run—and it may actually do a better job at driving your ex up the wall than seeking revenge would! Instead, come to terms with the relationship ending, and focus on your own well-being. [7] X Research source
- Also remember that manipulative people tend to thrive if you try to belittle, hurt, or expose them because they often crave attention. Walking away from them is actually the one thing you can do that they truly have no control over.
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Allow yourself to feel all the emotions you're experiencing. When you realize you were in an unhealthy relationship, you may be tough on yourself for staying so long. You may feel confused, sad, or angry—all of these are completely valid emotions. You can't expect to simply turn off all the feelings you had for this person. It might help to do activities that allow you to think and process all that you went through. [8] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source
- Try journaling , meditation , or yoga for instance. Joining a weekly class can also provide you with some structure and socialization that might help you heal.
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It might be hard to be happy right now, but tell yourself you're better off. You probably experienced plenty of low points with the narcissistic person—they probably made you feel less important, less special, or less capable than them. [9] X Expert Source Liana Georgoulis, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist Expert Interview. 6 September 2018. Enjoy the fact that you don't have that disrespectful person around to shut you down constantly. Instead, repeat positive affirmations like, "It's important for me to be happy," and "I am worthy of love."- Do activities that help you heal, whether that's gardening, jogging with a friend, or kickboxing.
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Share your emotions with people who genuinely care about you. If your ex is the sort of person who struggles seeing others thrive, they may belittle your successes or revel in your disappointments. When you go through a difficult time or enjoy success, share your struggles or celebrate wins with people in your life who will support you and cheer you on. [10] X Trustworthy Source American Psychological Association Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists Go to source
- It's natural to want to show off to your ex when good things happen to you, but it's better to ignore them and celebrate with friends instead: your ex may see your coming to them as a sign they still hold power over you, and they’re likely to belittle your success or make you feel as if you didn’t deserve it.
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Don't waste your time or energy dwelling on what your ex thinks. You won't truly be free of them until you can live your life without analyzing what they would think of your actions. Remember, you're not trying to please or impress them anymore. This can be a very freeing feeling. [11] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source
- Remember that just as you are making an effort to move on with your life, they may be moving on with theirs.
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Talking with a therapist can help you recover. Getting over a relationship with a narcissistic person can be really tough. You might tell yourself you need to move on, but cutting off your feelings for the person can be hard. Therapy can definitely help if you're working through difficult feelings or managing low self-esteem, or if you want to learn coping techniques. [12] X Expert Source Jay Reid, LPCC
Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor Expert Interview. 7 August 2020.- Your therapist may recommend group therapy where you can talk with people who are going through a similar situation.
Expert Q&A
Video
Tips
- Remember that not everyone with NPD is toxic or abusive, and many people with NPD are able to manage their symptoms with therapy and/or medication. [13] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to sourceThanks
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Expert Interview
Thanks for reading our article! If you’d like to learn more about narcissism, check out our in-depth interview with Liana Georgoulis, PsyD .
References
- ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/how-to-leave-a-narcissist-or-abuser-2#4
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm
- ↑ Adam Dorsay, PsyD. Licensed Psychologist & TEDx Speaker. Expert Interview. 1 April 2019.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/understanding-narcissism/202203/do-narcissists-feel-guilty-about-abusing-loved-ones
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/narcissism-decoded/2017/04/11-things-not-to-do-with-narcissists#2
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm
- ↑ Liana Georgoulis, PsyD. Licensed Psychologist. Expert Interview. 6 September 2018.
- ↑ https://www.apa.org/news/podcasts/speaking-of-psychology/narcissism
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm
- ↑ Jay Reid, LPCC. Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor. Expert Interview. 7 August 2020.
- ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662
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