Making a Platonic Relationship Work: 10 Secrets to a Fulfilling Friendship

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Maintain a healthy friendship and keep it running smoothly
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People like to say that men and women can't be just friends with each other because, eventually, romance or sex is going to get in the way. But that's actually not true—friendships often develop between people of the opposite sex (or same sex, if both people prefer same-sex romances) that are strictly friendly. In these platonic relationships, the two people are close emotionally and mentally but don't have a sexual or romantic bond. Read on to learn what's most important if you want to build a happy and balanced platonic friendship.

This article is based on an interview with our professional dating coach, Connell Barrett, founder of Dating Transformation. Check out the full interview here.

Things You Should Know

  • Set boundaries in your friendship, such as avoiding physical affection, flirting, and date-like outings.
  • Let your romantic partners (if either of you have them) know about the friendship and be respectful of their feelings and concerns.
  • Be honest about any romantic attraction that develops and take a step back from the friendship if needed.
1

Create clear ground rules.

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    If you're going to be friends, avoid blurring the lines. Straying into romantic or sexual territory can cause a lot of unnecessary tension between you. Talk about this early on and establish some ground rules that will keep you both within the confines of the relationship you want to have. [1]
    • For example, you might agree that you'll never go out on date-like experiences where you might feel more pressure to take things in a different direction.
    • Not being over at each other's homes alone together late at night, or not drinking together, can also keep things from accidentally slipping outside the friend zone.
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2

Avoid flirting to reduce sexual tension.

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    It's natural for the two of you to be attracted to each other at times. Friendships are based on attraction to some extent just like romantic relationships are. It's completely natural to occasionally get wrapped up in that and feel like you might want to take your friendship in a different direction. Instead, shower them with platonic affection to show that you care for them as a person and a friend but aren't interested in complicating the situation by adding sex or romance to the dynamic. [2]
    • For example, tell your friend how happy you are to hear from them and how much they mean to you. Compliment and praise them for things they do that they're proud of.
    • Try not to flirt with your platonic friend and avoid complimenting them in any way that could be perceived as romantic or sexual.
3

Give each other plenty of personal space.

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    Anything that seems like something a boyfriend or girlfriend would do should be considered out of line. Don't send them "good morning" or "good night" texts or insist on knowing where they are and what they're doing all the time. Have brief conversations, then let them go to do their own thing.
    • Remember that you're not entitled to anything from them, including their time or attention. For example, you don't want to blow up their phone with texts just because you haven't heard from them in a few days.
    • If you really like your friend, it can be difficult to leave them alone—especially as your friendship is just blossoming. But you do want to try to maintain a little distance.
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4

Do things together that build friendship rather than intimacy.

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    When the two of you go out and do things alone, it can feel more like a date than two friends going out. Getting a group together makes everything feel more light, platonic, and fun.
    • For example, a picnic at the park sounds romantic when it's just the two of you, but if you invite 4 or 5 other friends it sounds like a friendly get-together.
    • Generally, treat your friend like you would any other friend. Hang out with them the same way you'd hang out with any of your other friends, doing similar activities that you both enjoy.
5

Avoid talking about sex.

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    If you want to keep things as just friends, talking about sex can cause lines to be crossed. When you talk about sex with someone, they're typically imagining having sex with you (whether they want to or not)—and that can cause things to turn in a direction neither of you wants. [3]
    • In general, avoid saying or doing anything that you imagine would make your romantic partner feel uncomfortable or upset if they were there with you.
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6

Celebrate the benefits of a platonic relationship.

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    When friends build a relationship based on mutual respect and support, they can really help each other in important ways. And since your friendship doesn't have the potential volatility that a romantic or sexual relationship does, you know that you can be there for each other for the long haul. Here are some other benefits of a platonic relationship:
    • You trust one another and can share experiences on spiritual, intellectual, and emotional levels.
    • You don't have to worry about the doubts, jealousies, and complications that can arise in a romantic relationship.
    • You can fully be yourself and don't feel the need to perform or wear a mask to impress your friend.
    • You gain each other's perspective when dealing with issues that involve other people.
    • You can always count on each other for genuine, fearless, and forthright advice.
7

Reassure others who might be impacted by your relationship.

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    Let those close to you know about the nature of your relationship, especially significant others. If there are romantic relationships in the picture, adapt to each partner's boundaries as well so no one feels uncomfortable or gets upset. Avoid prioritizing your friendship over your romantic relationship, even if your friend has been a part of your life for far longer. [4]
    • Your partner's concerns about your relationship can sometimes be the hardest part of trying to maintain a platonic relationship.
    • Assure your partner that you aren't sharing any secrets the two of you have as a couple and that you're not complaining about them to your friend.
    • Don't do anything with your friend that your partner doesn't know about first, and avoid any situations that might look sketchy even if they aren't, such as going over to your friend's house late at night.
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8

Be respectful of each other's romantic partners.

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    Platonic relationships can get tricky when one or both of you becomes attached to a romantic partner. Recognize that it's possible your new romantic partner will be jealous of your platonic friend and might wonder why you aren't sexually or romantically involved. By encouraging everyone to become friends, you can help ease these worries so that your partner feels okay with your platonic friend being in your life. [5]
    • This also means not complaining about your partner to your friend or comparing your friend to your partner. These types of conversations can take you down the wrong path if you're trying to stay platonic.
    • Being respectful of each other's romantic relationships doesn't mean that you can't be there to support your friend when they're going through a difficult time. Just avoid talking trash about your friend's significant other—try to see things from all sides.
9

Make sure your intentions are pure and true.

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    A lot of people start a platonic relationship because they really want a romantic relationship, but the other person has made it clear that romance is off the table. When you start a friendship because you hope it will develop into something else down the line, you're not being honest and authentic with your friend.
    • That's not to say that you can't become friends with someone who you originally had a romantic interest for. But to do that, you have to be willing and able to let go of your romantic interest completely.
    • If you need to cool your romantic interest, consider taking a week or two off before reconnecting with the person as friends. That'll usually do the trick to help you move on and stop thinking of them that way.
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10

Be honest about your feelings as they develop.

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    Openness and honesty are really important in platonic relationships. Being able to talk about your feelings with each other is part of what makes you such close friends—and this includes times when your feelings about them might change. In some cases, if you feel like you're developing unwelcome romantic or sexual feelings for them, you might need to take a break from each other to give those feelings a chance to subside. [6]
    • For example, you might say, "I've been feeling very attracted to you lately and I know that's not really part of our dynamic. Let's take a break for a week so I can get a handle on these feelings and then we'll see where we stand."
    • These conversations can be difficult to have, but they're important if you want to remain honest and above board with your friend and maintain a strictly platonic relationship.

Community Q&A

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  • Question
    What exactly is a platonic relationship?
    Community Answer
    A platonic relationship is an intimate and affectionate but not sexual relationship.
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  • Question
    Can I love someone and have a platonic relationship?
    Community Answer
    Certainly. There is more than one kind of love, though we tend to focus on romantic love exclusively. If you love the person romantically, then a platonic relationship will definitely be more difficult. You just have to remind yourself how lucky you are to have that person in your life, regardless of the nature of the relationship.
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    He tells me he doesn't want a relationship or get married, but still wants to have sex and he wants other women too. What does this mean?
    Community Answer
    This means that he sees you as someone he enjoys having sex with, but it sounds like he's using you and the other women to satisfy his physical desires without having the responsibilities that come with a relationship.
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      Warnings

      • If you and your friend were involved romantically in the past and the relationship didn't work out, don't bring up the breakup. Leave it in the past and live in the present.
        Thanks
      • Avoid discussing marital or romance problems if you and your platonic friend are forbidden to get married for cultural or religious reasons.
        Thanks
      • If you do start to catch the feels for your platonic friend and they don't return the same feelings, you'll likely feel hurt and betrayed. In that situation, it can be very hard to continue the friendship as it was before.
        Thanks
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-empowerment-diary/201802/the-secret-platonic-relationships
      2. ↑ https://www.npr.org/2022/09/01/1120550646/how-to-show-your-friends-you-love-them-according-to-a-friendship-expert
      3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-empowerment-diary/201802/the-secret-platonic-relationships
      4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/living-forward/201912/when-are-opposite-sex-friends-threat-your-relationship
      5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/living-forward/201912/when-are-opposite-sex-friends-threat-your-relationship
      6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-empowerment-diary/201802/the-secret-platonic-relationships

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