How Concerned Should You Be If Your Boyfriend Still Talks to His Ex?

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Signs it’s harmless and red flags to look out for
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So your boyfriend is still in contact with his ex, you're wondering if it’s a harmless platonic relationship or a major red flag. You've come to the right place! We’ve compiled a complete guide on this situation, including whether or not you should be worried and what to do if it makes you uncomfortable. We’ve also included insights from mental health and relationship expert Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC, so keep reading!

Is it okay for your boyfriend to talk to his ex?

If your boyfriend talks to his ex, this isn’t always a red flag. Many people stay friends with their exes, and it doesn’t mean they still have feelings for them. However, if your boyfriend acts secretive or defensive, or if he doesn’t respect your feelings when you say it bothers you, this may be cause for concern.

Section 1 of 4:

Should you be worried if your boyfriend still talks to his ex?

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  1. Many people are able to maintain healthy platonic relationships with their exes, especially if they took some time apart after the break-up before becoming friends again . [1] If your boyfriend and his ex parted ways on good terms and they’re still in touch from time to time, there’s a good chance that there’s nothing to worry about.
    • Here are a few common reasons why exes may stay in touch (that have nothing to do with lingering romantic feelings):
      • They started out as family friends or grew up together. If your boyfriend and his ex have been part of each others’ lives for a long time, it may have been easy for them to transition back into a platonic relationship.
      • They’re in the same friend group. If your boyfriend and his ex share a ton of the same friends, they may want to stay on good terms to make things less awkward at social gatherings.
      • They work together. If your boyfriend and his ex met at work, they likely need to be on speaking terms to collaborate on projects and maintain a cordial environment at the office.
      • They share children. If your boyfriend and his ex have kids together, they need to be in contact with each other as parents, and it’s best for everyone if they have a positive, healthy relationship.
  2. For example, if you've been distant from each other lately and you don’t feel secure in the relationship, it may be more concerning that your boyfriend is communicating with his ex. Timing could be another issue—if he and his ex broke up right before he met you, and they never stopped talking to each other, there’s a bigger chance that lingering feelings are involved.
    • There’s always the chance that your boyfriend’s relationship with his ex is entirely innocent, so you may want to assess things before taking action.
    • Below, we’ll go over some red flags to look out for in more detail, so you can determine whether or not to confront him.
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Section 2 of 4:

Assess the Situation for Red Flags

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  1. Secrecy and defensiveness are common signs of emotional (or literal) affairs, so if your boyfriend acts this way about his relationship with his ex, there may still be feelings involved. [2] “A basic definition of cheating is when there’s an element of secrecy and emotional connection with another person,” explains Dr. Vossenkemper. “If the texting that’s going on entails that emotional intimacy and secrecy, then right away it falls in the affair category,” she says.
    • For example, if you notice that your boyfriend hangs up his calls with his ex as soon as you walk in the room, or if he’s super careful to angle his phone away from you while they’re texting, these could be signs that something shady is going on.
  2. Being casually friends with an ex is one thing, but if your boyfriend is texting, snapchatting, dm-ing, calling, or FaceTiming them all the time, there’s a bigger chance that there are still romantic feelings involved. [3]
    • There are nuances to this, and there’s definitely a chance that your boyfriend and his ex are just really close friends.
    • However, research does show that the more frequent the contact with an ex, the more likely the person is to be unhappy with their current partner. [4]
    • In other words, if he's talking to his ex night and day, it’s possible that this indicates an issue in your relationship.
  3. If your boyfriend is friends with an ex-girlfriend he dated several years ago, there probably aren’t any lingering feelings between them. However, if he and this ex split right before he met you, the break-up is much fresher, and he may not have gotten over his feelings completely yet. [5] Because of this, it may be a red flag if he’s in touch with a very recent ex.
  4. If there’s trouble in your relationship, your boyfriend’s communications with his ex may be more of a concern. Unfortunately, people who are unhappy in their current relationships are more likely to keep in touch with exes as a potential “backup,” should their current relationship not work out. [6]
    • If you’ve noticed that he’s pulling away from you or treating you differently, or if he seems less satisfied in your partnership, his communications with his ex may be a bad sign.
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Section 3 of 4:

Determining Whether or Not to Confront Him

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  1. Dr. Vossenkemper recommends asking yourself if there have been any real signs of infidelity or dishonesty, or if you’re making assumptions. If it seems like their relationship is truly innocent and platonic, it may be best to focus on working on your self-esteem , rather than confronting him. Your negative feelings about the situation may stem from insecurities, so it can be helpful to show yourself some self-love and build up your confidence.
    • Try reciting positive affirmations , like “I’m worthy of love,” or “I’m a kind, capable, and beautiful person.”
    • Positive affirmations can help you feel more confident and secure in general, which may help you feel more secure in your relationship. [7]
  2. If you do feel like there is something going on between your boyfriend and his ex, it may be a good idea to confront him about it. Even if you don’t think your boyfriend is actually being shady, it can be helpful to talk about your feelings. He might not know that this is bothering you, and he may be more than willing to change his behavior. Working through these emotions together can also bring you closer together as a couple. [8]
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Section 4 of 4:

Confronting Him about Talking to His Ex

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  1. It’s natural to feel wary or uncomfortable if your boyfriend is talking to his ex, and you’re completely justified in these feelings. If you’ve decided that something just feels off about the situation, tell him how you feel in a direct, honest way, so that you can work through it together. When you do this, Dr. Vossenkemper recommends using “I” statements about the emotions you’re experiencing, rather than pointing the finger or accusing him, since this can cause him to react defensively.
    • For example, instead of saying, “You’re talking to your ex too much and you need to stop,” try something like, “I feel anxious and uncomfortable about how close you and your ex are. Can we talk about it?”
    • Dr. Vossenkemper explains that this is called a “gentle startup,” and it helps you and your boyfriend communicate in a healthy way, rather than spiraling into an argument.
  2. There may be harmless explanations for his communications with his ex, and hearing them may help you move past your discomfort or anxiety. For example, he may simply be keeping in contact with her because they’re family friends, or because they need to be civil with each other at work events or social gatherings. [9] Here are some examples of questions you could ask:
    • “What do you and [ex’s name] talk about when you have conversations?”
    • “Why do you think you two are in contact so often? Do you consider her a friend?”
    • “If I told you that I feel uncomfortable about how often you guys talk, would you consider talking to her less?”
    • “Do you have any lingering feelings for her?”
    • “Do you feel happy in our relationship right now?”
  3. Dr. Vossenkemper recommends paying close attention to his behavior when you ask about his communications with his ex. Is he open and happy to explain, or does he act shifty, defensive, or uncomfortable? It’s also important to assess his reactions when you share your emotions. In a healthy relationship, your partner should be able to acknowledge your concerns, affirm your feelings, and work with you to resolve any issues. If he's dismissive or unkind when you open up, this may be a red flag.
  4. If you’re really upset about his relationship with his ex, you may be tempted to say something like, “If you don’t stop talking to her, I’m leaving you.” Unfortunately, ultimatums can do more harm than good, and they should only be used as a last resort after trying to work through issues in other ways. [10] Instead, try to approach the situation as if you’re on the same team, and you’re working through these emotions together in order to move forward. [11]
    • “I’m feeling anxious and uncomfortable about how often you talk to your ex, but I love you and want to work through this. Can we come up with a solution together?”
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-power-of-parallels/202303/should-you-remain-friends-with-an-ex
      2. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/relationships/why-married-people-have-affairs#signs-of-cheating
      3. ↑ https://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/previous-relationship-baggage-and-jealousy
      4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/close-encounters/201609/whats-really-going-when-people-stay-in-touch-exes
      5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-power-of-parallels/202303/should-you-remain-friends-with-an-ex
      6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/close-encounters/201609/whats-really-going-when-people-stay-in-touch-exes
      7. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/do-positive-affirmations-work
      8. ↑ https://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/previous-relationship-baggage-and-jealousy#1-13
      9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-power-of-parallels/202303/should-you-remain-friends-with-an-ex
      1. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/should-you-ever-give-an-ultimatum-in-a-relationship#are-ultimatums-healthy
      2. ↑ https://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/previous-relationship-baggage-and-jealousy#1-12

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