Should You Date Someone with BPD? What You Need to Know

Learn how to approach a BPD relationship with realistic expectations

“Should you date someone with BPD?” This question is making its way around the internet, with some people even sharing their own negative Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) dating stories. While every person is entitled to their own relationship experiences, it isn’t fair to paint an entire community of people with such broad strokes (especially when it comes to something as personal and complex as romantic relationships). This article takes a more realistic look at what dating someone with BPD is like by examining the mental illness itself as well as debunking misinformed myths. With enough communication, honesty, and support, a BPD relationship can be as rewarding and successful as any other relationship—the key is staying informed and knowing what to expect.

Things You Should Know

  • BPD can come with a unique set of challenges, but this by no means excludes someone with this mental illness from experiencing a happy, healthy, and fulfilling relationship.
  • Practicing healthy communication habits, listening actively, offering reassurance, and providing validation are just a few ways you can support a partner with BPD.
  • People with BPD have plenty of passion and love to give. They can also be very empathetic partners due to the struggles and challenges they’ve personally faced.
Section 1 of 5:

Should you date someone with BPD?

  1. While BPD can undeniably create a unique set of challenges for a relationship, these challenges can be conquered if both parties are willing to forge a relationship that’s rooted in trust, open communication, validation, and empathy. [1] Every person with BPD is different, though, just as every partnership is different; so, it’s impossible to say how a relationship would fare universally.
  2. While any romantic relationship faces its fair share of challenges, dating a person with BPD can be especially challenging due to the intricacies of their mental illness. Before starting a new relationship, take some time to reflect on questions like:
    • Am I comfortable setting and enforcing boundaries with them, no matter how they may react?
    • Can I handle and help my partner work through turbulent emotions as they come?
    • Am I capable of giving them the reassurance and validation that they need?
    • Am I able to take a step back and care for my own mental health as needed?
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Section 2 of 5:

What is BPD?

  1. According to the DSM-5 (the primary psychiatric manual on mental illnesses and disorders), BPD is defined as a disorder that causes extreme emotional sensitivity (referred to as “hypersensitivity” in the DSM-5). [2] People with BPD often go through major mood swings, experience emotions in a very intense and raw way, and may be easily triggered into severe reactions and responses in different circumstances. [3]
    • Because of their shifting emotions, people with BPD don’t always have the best idea of who they are, which can be very disorienting and upsetting.
  2. They’re terrified by the prospect of being left behind in some way, whether it’s by their relatives, friends, or partners. Because of this, they often jump in and out of relationships on a whim as a means of protecting themselves. [4]
  3. They don’t always think about the consequences of their actions before jumping into something suddenly, like buying a lot of items at once, binge eating, driving dangerously, and so on. [5] People with BPD also tend to sabotage their own success through impulsive decisions like breaking up with a supportive partner or leaving a well-paying job. [6]
  4. BPD symptoms can contribute to an unhealthy cycle in relationships. People with BPD can experience up to 6 tumultuous stages in a romantic relationship, which is officially known as the BPD relationship cycle . Depending on the person, this cycle can go as follows: [7]
    • Stage 1: They idealize their partner and put them first in all aspects of their life.
    • Stage 2: They behave more anxiously and critically and read more deeply into things (like a forgotten response to a text).
    • Stage 3: They acknowledge their abandonment fears by putting a little distance between both parties or putting their partner through “tests.”
    • Stage 4: They create a great emotional distance between the two of them—that way, their partner is “left behind” before they can be.
    • Stage 5: The partnership ends (if the person’s BPD is unrevealed), or they try to salvage things by explaining their actions.
    • Stage 6: They develop a very low sense of worth if the relationship ends; if the relationship survives, the cycle still might repeat again (even if they’ve talked things out).
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Section 3 of 5:

Reasons to Date Someone with BPD

  1. For all of the negative symptoms and stigmata associated with BPD, it’s important to acknowledge the positive qualities, too! Despite their fear of abandonment, people with BPD experience love deeply and passionately, and view their partners with a deep sense of care and loyalty. [8]
  2. They know firsthand how difficult and unfair life can be. When you’re going through a tough time in your life, your partner may understand and relate to you in a way that few other people can. [9]
    • Some research suggests that people with BPD can analyze a person’s expressions and feelings more adeptly than someone without a BPD diagnosis. [10]
  3. As is the case in any relationship, dating someone with BPD gives you the opportunity to learn more about yourself as a person. You may discover, for instance, that you’re capable of much more empathy and compassion than you first thought, and you may get a better idea of how to support all the people in your life.
  4. With specialized therapy and medication, BPD can be a manageable part of a person’s life that doesn’t dramatically bleed into their relationships and day-to-day routines. What matters most is offering your partner love and support as they slowly work towards recovery. [11]
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Section 4 of 5:

How can you have a healthy relationship with someone who has BPD?

  1. Extreme sensitivity is a very common symptom of BPD that can be addressed with clear, open, and honest communication. Improving your communication skills can make a world of difference in making both you and your partner feel more heard and respected in your conversations. Here are a few ideas to get you started: [15]
    • Give yourself a few seconds to think before you share your thoughts.
    • Jot down your thoughts before you share them, and invite your partner to write down what they’re thinking as well.
    • Practice open body language so your partner feels heard.
    • Share your thoughts and feelings using “I” statements so your partner doesn’t feel defensive.
  2. People with BPD often communicate in an emotionally-charged way. During these difficult conversations and arguments, take a step back and actively listen to the core of what your partner is trying to say. Even if you’re in a disagreement, take time to validate their thoughts and feelings (like “I definitely understand why you feel that way”). [16] Here are a few other ways to amp up your listening skills:
    • Sum up what they’ve just said in a sentence or 2. (“What I’m hearing is…”)
    • Ask specific questions about what they’ve just shared.
    • Let them speak without interrupting.
    • Listen quietly rather than offering unsolicited advice. [17]
  3. Helping someone with BPD feel understood and heard can go a long way in having a productive conversation. Don’t view your discussions or arguments with the intention of “winning” or “losing.” Instead, make your main goal to understand and validate your partner’s feelings , so they don’t feel isolated and ignored in their own experiences. You might say: [18]
    • “That sounds like a really frustrating experience.”
    • “I can only imagine how upset and angry that must’ve made you feel.”
    • “That sounds like a lot to keep inside your head, and I appreciate you opening up to me.”
  4. Due to their innate fear of abandonment, people with BPD often feel insecure about the status of their relationship, or what they mean to their partner. Help reassure your partner by naturally sharing how much you care about and appreciate them. You can also show your support in other ways, like:
    • Surprising them with their favorite meal for dinner
    • Giving them a kiss in public
    • Saying “I love you” completely unsolicited [19]
  5. Although it can be challenging at first, it’s important to set boundaries to let your partner when their BPD behavior isn’t okay. Your partner may not take these boundaries well at first; but, over time, having these boundaries in place can make your relationship stronger in the long run. Here are a couple of tips to help the conversation go over as smoothly as possible: [20]
    • Give them reassurance that you still love and care about them. “I really love and cherish our relationship, so it’s really important to me that we stay on the same page. Before we have a potentially stressful conversation, though, I need you to check in with me to make sure I have the emotional energy for it.”
    • Express boundaries individually rather than listing several at once. This can make the conversation less overwhelming for both you and your partner.
  6. Seeing a couples’ counselor doesn’t mean that your relationship is unhealthy—instead, it can be a great way to ensure that your relationship is as healthy and fulfilling as it can possibly be. Meeting with a couples’ counselor gives both you and your partner the opportunity to share your thoughts and concerns in a safe bubble. [21]
  7. BPD has plenty of targeted treatment options, including specialized therapy and medication. If your partner hasn’t received treatment for their BPD yet, give them a gentle nudge to look into the different options available. [22]
    • “I care about you a lot, and I want you to be the happiest you can possibly be. I can try and help you find a psychiatrist or therapist that’s covered by your insurance.”
    • “I feel so sad and helpless when I see you struggling like this. I think that seeing a therapist could really help you feel heard and supported in the long run.”
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Section 5 of 5:

Debunking Harmful Myths

  1. While BPD may not be the most common mental illness out there, it certainly isn’t rare. In the United States alone, at least 14 million people live with BPD. A common misconception with this is that only women can be diagnosed with BPD, which isn’t true at all—men and women experience and live with BPD diagnoses at about an equal ratio. [23]
    • Another common misconception is that only adults can get diagnosed with BPD. This also isn’t true—psychiatric professionals can and have given BPD diagnoses to minors.
  2. BPD is a challenging mental illness that requires a lot of focused treatment and commitment in order to see any improvement. Still, if they’re willing to put the work in, they can most definitely live a happy, healthy, and normal life. People who have received treatment for their BPD have shared how they went to college, developed healthy friendships, and entered stable relationships. [24]
  3. People struggling with BPD are juggling profound emotional wounds. While their behavior may seem attention-seeking at a glance, they’re actually looking for someone to support and help them through an intense struggle. Because of this, it’s never a good idea to ignore someone with BPD who is acting out—chances are, they genuinely need the extra help and support. [25]
  4. BPD relationships, like all romantic relationships, are destined to hit future bumps in the road. While someone with BPD may bring unique struggles to a relationship, these struggles in and of themselves don’t automatically “doom” the relationship. If both parties are willing to put the work in and the person with BPD is willing to get treatment, the relationship can definitely last. [26]
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      Tips

      • It’s important to remember the 3 Cs whenever you date someone with BPD: You didn’t cause their BPD, you can’t cure their BPD, and you aren’t in control of their BPD. [27]
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      Expert Interview

      Thanks for reading our article! If you’d like to learn more about psychology, check out our in-depth interview with Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC .

      References

      1. ↑ https://www.nami.org/Personal-Stories/How-To-Love-Someone-With-A-Mental-Illness
      2. ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK430883/
      3. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/borderline-personality-disorder.htm
      4. ↑ https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/borderline-personality-disorder
      5. ↑ https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/borderline-personality-disorder
      6. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/borderline-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20370237
      7. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/disorders/borderline-personality-relationships-cycle
      8. ↑ https://www.borderlineintheact.org.au/living-with-bpd/strengths-and-qualities-of-bpd/
      9. ↑ https://www.borderlineintheact.org.au/living-with-bpd/strengths-and-qualities-of-bpd/
      1. ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3427787/
      2. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/helping-someone-with-borderline-personality-disorder.htm
      3. ↑ Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC. Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview
      4. ↑ Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC. Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview
      5. ↑ Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC. Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview
      6. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/disorders/borderline-personality-disorder-relationships#how-to-work-together
      7. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/disorders/borderline-personality-disorder-relationships#how-to-support-them
      8. ↑ https://ggia.berkeley.edu/practice/active_listening
      9. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/helping-someone-with-borderline-personality-disorder.htm
      10. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/disorders/borderline-personality-disorder-relationships#how-to-support-them
      11. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/helping-someone-with-borderline-personality-disorder.htm
      12. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/disorders/borderline-personality-disorder-relationships#how-to-support-them
      13. ↑ https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/9762-borderline-personality-disorder-bpd#living-with
      14. ↑ https://www.mcleanhospital.org/essential/bpd
      15. ↑ https://www.nami.org/Blogs/NAMI-Blog/October-2019/Borderline-Personality-Disorder-Myths-and-Facts
      16. ↑ https://www.nami.org/Blogs/NAMI-Blog/October-2019/Borderline-Personality-Disorder-Myths-and-Facts
      17. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/borderline-personality-disorder-facts-vs-myths#fact-vs-fiction
      18. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/helping-someone-with-borderline-personality-disorder.htm

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