What is Nice Guy Syndrome? Plus, How To Overcome It

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Causes, examples, and symptoms of nice guy syndrome
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If you're struggling with people pleasing patterns and seeking validation from others, you may be dealing with nice guy syndrome. But why is this happening and how do you overcome it? Don’t worry, we’ve got you covered. In this article, we explain what nice guy syndrome is , how to overcome it , what causes it , and more, with the help of life coaches, licensed clinical psychologists, and other relationship experts.

How to Stop Being a Nice Guy

Practice being your authentic self and being honest about your needs. Get in touch with your emotions and stop saying yes to everything; it's okay to put your needs and desires first! Take care of yourself, focus on physical and mental self-improvement, and accept that you can’t control everything.

Section 1 of 6:

What is nice guy syndrome?

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  1. Nice guy syndrome is a behavioral pattern where men seek validation by being too kind and accommodating. Guys struggling with nice guy syndrome present themselves as kind, self-sacrificing, and considerate out of the belief that it will grant favors from the people they have relationships with, whether they be friendships, relationships, or flings. For example, they may prioritize the needs of others over their own to win affection. [1]
    • Nice guys are often considered people pleasers . People pleasers are individuals who put their own needs and desires aside to please others. [2]
    • Unfortunately, people-pleasing tendencies and not setting proper boundaries with others tends to have a negative impact on relationships.
    • Underneath the surface, some nice guys can be problematic, exhibiting passive-aggressive behaviors, manipulation, and entitlement.
    • Although "guy" is in the name, a person of any gender can exhibit nice guy syndrome.
    • Nice guy syndrome can show up in any type of relationship, including friendships, workplace relationships, and family relationships.
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Section 2 of 6:

How to Overcome Nice Guy Syndrome

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  1. 1
    Learn how to be your authentic self. According to life coach Michelle Shahbazyan, “When you’re people pleasing, you’re not being yourself.” When you try to please the world and be who you think you “should be,” you’re inherently not going to be the person you really want to be. Instead, sit in peace, clear your mind, and fill it with things you want and what you feel. That way, you’ll start being your authentic self .
    • By being honest about what you want and feel, you’ll be able to form genuine relationships with people who like you for you, not because you’re nice.
  2. 2
    Get in touch with your emotions. As a nice guy, you’ve likely been putting your emotions on the back burner to make sure you’re meeting the needs and desires of others. While it may seem like the noble thing to do, in reality, you’re cutting yourself emotionally to make sure everyone else feels good. So, when you feel an emotion, sit with it and consider why it popped up rather than trying to stuff it back down, even when it gets difficult. [3]
    • For example, if you get angry, instead of trying to ignore it or push it away, sit with it and ask yourself questions like, “What’s making me angry? Does my anger stem from my needs not being met? And, what is my anger trying to tell me?”
    • When you feel something after a situation, sit with it and process it. Don’t approach the situation until you’ve been able to thoroughly process and understand your feelings about it. Don’t let your emotions rule you .
  3. 3
    Put your needs and desires first. To avoid falling into the “nice guy stereotype,” licensed clinical psychologist Michael Dickerson, PsyD, says, “It is important to focus on our own needs and desires at times. If you are feeling as though you are being taken advantage of by someone or people, it is important to set up boundaries with them.”
    • For example, if your partner is trying to convince you to go for an ocean swim even though you’re terrified of open water, kindly (but firmly) let them know that you’re not getting into the water until you’re ready.
    • If you need a few hours of alone time to clear your head after a stressful week, communicate that to your partner and stand firm in your decision.
    • Your needs and desires may not always be met by those you communicate them to, and that’s okay! By communicating with them at all, you’ll be speaking up for yourself and setting personal boundaries, which are crucial for breaking that nice guy state of mind.
    • To figure out your needs and desires, ask yourself what you want out of life. Once you know what you want, ask what you need to get there. It will help put your desires and needs into perspective.
  4. 4
    Take care of yourself and focus on self-improvement. As a nice guy, you may be used to putting everyone else first and helping them improve. While it may feel noble in the moment, this is a quick way to ignore your own needs and get that nice-guy label stamped on your forehead. So, take inventory with yourself and figure out your needs, then focus on meeting them and growing as a person. [4]
  5. 5
    Set goals and make plans to achieve them. Put your energy towards yourself and focus on being your authentic self, rather than a “nice guy,” by setting goals and taking the necessary steps to achieve them . For example, if you want to learn a new language, set aside time in your week and designate an hour or more to studying the language. Not only will this give you more time to focus on yourself, but it’ll also make you genuinely interesting.
    • By setting goals and working towards them, you’ll be able to improve your self-image, learn your strengths and weaknesses, and set priorities that matter to you , not those you’re trying to please. [5]
    • Being genuinely interesting and goal-driven is going to give you more opportunities to build authentic connections rather than trying to please whoever you’re looking to connect with. [6]
  6. 6
    Accept that you can’t control everything. Even though you may feel like you can help improve all the situations you’re involved in by showing up in whatever ways possible, there are some things that you just can’t change. The sooner you’re able to accept this, the sooner you’ll be able to put your energy towards things that you can control, like how you talk to others and move through the world. [7]
    • According to certified life coach Rachel Clissold, “resisting change can take up a lot of your time, which will waste your efforts and drain your energy.” So, it’s best to go with the changing flow rather than trying to fight it.
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Section 3 of 6:

Signs You’re a Nice Guy

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  1. 1
    You tend to offer help without being asked. Although helping others in hopes of earning favor or affection may seem like the right thing to do, it can come off as intrusive or manipulative. Since you expect your help to be met with praise and affection, rather than helping out of genuine goodwill, that shows, and it’s a huge sign you’re suffering from nice guy syndrome. [8]
    • For example, nice guys may offer to drive their crush home from work, even if they prefer taking the train home, because they believe it’ll cause their crush to notice their kindness and start viewing them romantically.
  2. 2
    You avoid establishing personal boundaries. Nice guys tend to have trouble establishing and maintaining boundaries in their friendships and relationships, as they have a hard time saying no. They also have a hard time speaking out against behaviors that make them uncomfortable, as they fear upsetting others and jeopardizing their chances of being liked. So if this sounds like you, there’s a good chance you’re a nice guy. [9]
    • For example, if your friend asks you to loan them $500 and you do it even though you have a $500 credit card bill that you have no other way of paying, you’d be exhibiting nice guy behavior.
  3. 3
    You try to please everyone. If you’re the type of person to always make yourself available no matter what you have going on, or the type of person to do something you may not be comfortable with because you want to please someone else, you’re most likely a nice guy. The tendency to compromise yourself by doing something you may not want to do to please others is a hallmark of nice guy syndrome. [10]
    • This is also known as people pleasing.
  4. 4
    You avoid voicing your opinions. As a nice guy, you may fear speaking up for things you believe in because you don’t want to upset others. While this is great for sparing other people’s feelings, it can diffuse conversations, causing them to be dull and boring. This is because you’re always following their lead and agreeing with them, which doesn’t make for deep, thought-provoking conversation. [11]
    • This can lead to people giving you the nice guy reputation, as they may see you as someone who’s nice, but doesn’t speak up for themselves.
  5. 5
    You tend to get passive-aggressive. This is a huge sign of nice guy syndrome. Rather than being open and honest about their frustrations, nice guys tend to be indirect and subtle about their feelings, giving just enough to let you know that they’re upset without ever owning up to what’s frustrating them. If this sounds like you, you may be a nice guy. [12]
    • For example, a nice guy who’s upset that their romantic interest isn’t reciprocating their feelings may sarcastically say something like, “You’re such a great friend” to express their disappointment without being direct.
  6. 6
    You harbor resentment towards others. Nice guys tend to be resentful of the fact that their “nice” or “kind” gestures tend not to lead to the romantic or sexual outcomes they’re looking for. If you’re the type of guy to buy someone you’re interested in flowers, spend lots of money on a fancy date, and shower them with compliments, just to get upset and resentful when they fulfill your romantic and sexual desires, you’re likely a nice guy. [13]
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Section 4 of 6:

Causes of Nice Guy Syndrome

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  1. 1
    Low self esteem People with low self esteem may feel like they are worthy of love or validation, causing them to set their needs aside and become overly nice to gain the approval of others. They tend to seek external validation as a way to soothe their internal feelings of low self-esteem and inadequacy, becoming “nice guys” in the process. [14]
  2. 2
    Fear of rejection Believing that being nice will cause you to have an increased chance at getting romantic prospects or being perceived as attractive is a quick and easy way to catch nice guy syndrome. Although it may seem enticing to sacrifice your needs in order to fulfill those of others, it typically leads to unhealthy relationships. [15]
  3. 3
    Lack of assertiveness A fear of rejection can cause you to avoid speaking up and expressing how you really feel. Not only does this lead to a reluctance to properly express your inner desires and boundaries, but it also leads to a lack of assertiveness in favor of passive-aggressiveness, which can harm your relationships . [16]
  4. 4
    Past experiences of heartbreak or neglect Past heartbreaks or rejections can cause you to become bitter and resentful. In response, you may adopt a “nice guy” mindset to protect yourself from potential emotional pain, even if it proves to be detrimental to forming genuine, deep relationships with others. [17]
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Section 5 of 6:

Negative Side Effects of Being a Nice Guy

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  1. 1
    You start to believe you aren’t good enough. When you feel like you need to change your actions and behaviors to please others, it can lead to you feeling as though you aren’t good enough. When you change those actions and behaviors to please others, it reinforces the belief that you aren’t good enough. Mix that with a little bit of resentment, and you’ve got a recipe for low self-esteem and nice guy syndrome. [18]
    • Licensed clinical psychologist Kim Chronister, PsyD, says that if you have low self-esteem, ask for help. If they’re busy, tell them you know they’re busy and you would love their advice. As long as you respect their time, they’ll likely be open to your request.
  2. 2
    You have a hard time building genuine connections. Focusing on being nice and pleasing others over being your authentic self gets in the way of forming genuine relationships. Looking for social cues for what people need or want rather than being genuinely interested in getting to know them without immediately trying to meet their every need keeps you from being able to move with genuine curiosity, which makes it harder to form deep connections. [19]
  3. 3
    You regularly suppress your emotions. As a nice guy, you may tend to do things you aren’t comfortable with to gain the approval of others. This often means ignoring and suppressing your emotions to force yourself to be comfortable with what’s going on. You don’t take time to process them, and you may even feel like you shouldn’t be feeling them, which can lead to increased feelings of anger and passive aggressiveness. [20]
  4. 4
    You neglect yourself and your needs. When you’re a nice guy, you tend to put the needs of others above the needs of yourself. When you don’t pay attention to your own needs, they tend to go unmet, which can cause you to feel stressed. While it’s kind to help others, doing it to the detriment of your own needs can cause you to become resentful, irritable, and exhausted in the long run. [21]
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Section 6 of 6:

How Nice Guy Syndrome Damages Relationships

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  1. 1
    It builds inauthenticity and resentment in relationships. When you’re constantly making others happy without having your needs met, resentment will be quick to grow. But you likely won’t address the issues directly, opting to move along as though nothing’s going on. If you aren’t communicating your authentic feelings and needs, it can cause you to be inauthentic to your partner, which will inevitably put a strain on the relationship. [22]
  2. 2
    It causes you to detach from yourself and your partner. While you may still be focused on being nice to your partner and meeting their needs, nice guy syndrome causes you to disconnect from yourself to please others, cutting a part of yourself off from your partner. By detaching from yourself, your personality will begin to circle around pleasing others, which can cause you to question yourself and what you want out of life. [23]
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/nice-guy-syndrome/
      2. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/health/the-need-to-please-the-psychology-of-people-pleasing#definition
      3. ↑ https://tinybuddha.com/blog/4-tips-to-get-in-touch-with-your-feelings-instead-of-burying-them/
      4. ↑ https://mindandpractice.com/how-to-overcome-the-nice-guy-syndrome/
      5. ↑ https://www.goucher.edu/experience/getting-involved/leadership/documents/Goal-Setting.pdf
      6. ↑ https://www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/nice-guy-syndrome/#What-is-nice-guy-syndrome
      7. ↑ https://mindandpractice.com/how-to-overcome-the-nice-guy-syndrome/
      8. ↑ https://www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/nice-guy-syndrome/
      9. ↑ https://www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/nice-guy-syndrome/
      1. ↑ https://www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/nice-guy-syndrome/
      2. ↑ https://www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/nice-guy-syndrome/
      3. ↑ https://www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/nice-guy-syndrome/
      4. ↑ https://www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/nice-guy-syndrome/
      5. ↑ https://www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/nice-guy-syndrome/#5-causes-of-the-nice-guy-syndrome
      6. ↑ https://www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/nice-guy-syndrome/#5-causes-of-the-nice-guy-syndrome
      7. ↑ https://www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/nice-guy-syndrome/#5-causes-of-the-nice-guy-syndrome
      8. ↑ https://www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/nice-guy-syndrome/#5-causes-of-the-nice-guy-syndrome
      9. ↑ https://johannaschram.com/post/dangers-of-being-a-people-pleaser/
      10. ↑ https://johannaschram.com/post/dangers-of-being-a-people-pleaser/
      11. ↑ https://johannaschram.com/post/dangers-of-being-a-people-pleaser/
      12. ↑ https://johannaschram.com/post/dangers-of-being-a-people-pleaser/
      13. ↑ https://parade.com/living/how-being-a-people-pleaser-can-ruin-your-relationships-according-to-therapists
      14. ↑ https://parade.com/living/how-being-a-people-pleaser-can-ruin-your-relationships-according-to-therapists

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