How to Not Be Clingy but Still Show Interest

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Whether you’re trying to take things to the next level with your crush or already in a budding relationship, it can be a tricky balance to show interest without coming off as needy or clingy. Luckily, there are things you can do to show that special person how much you care while also giving them space. In this article, we’ll talk you through a few things you can do—and what pitfalls to avoid.

This article is based on an interview with our professional dating coach, John Keegan, founder of The Awakened Lifestyle. Check out the full interview here.

1

Give them sincere compliments.

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    For instance, it’s totally okay to comment on the cool shirt they’re wearing, or to let them know how much you appreciate the meal they cooked last time you came over. However, keep it chill and be careful not to make it too personal—especially if you’re still getting to know them. [1] If you’re worried about overdoing it, try to stick to just giving them 1 or 2 compliments a day. [2]
    • Keep compliments genuine and specific. For instance, you might say something like, “That dress really looks great on you. Blue is totally your color!”
    • Be careful of anything that sounds over-the-top, especially if you don’t know each other that well yet. For instance, your crush might feel a little awkward if it’s a first date and you come out with something like, “You’re the most gorgeous creature I’ve ever seen. I could spend my life getting lost in your eyes.”
    • In general, when you’re first getting to know someone, avoid commenting on their body or physical appearance. This could make them uncomfortable.
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2

Break the touch barrier, but be subtle.

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    But take it slow and be careful not to come on too strong, especially if you’re not sure how they feel about you yet. Pay close attention to how your crush reacts and back off if they seem uncomfortable or ask you to stop. [3]
    • For instance, don’t try to go in for a kiss unless you’re pretty sure they’re cool with it.
    • Be careful about getting too touchy-feely in public unless your SO is okay with it. Too much PDA can come off as needy or even make you seem jealous or possessive. [4]
3

Introduce them to your friends.

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    Plus, your crush will see that they’re not the only person in your life, which can help create a comfortable sense of balance. [5] Keep it casual—for instance, you might invite them to hang out at a party or go out for drinks with you and a few other friends.
    • Don’t introduce them as your “boyfriend,” “girlfriend,” or “significant other” unless you’ve already talked it over and officially defined your relationship that way!
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4

Take it easy with the texting.

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    But if your special someone doesn’t answer, do your best to be patient and give them time. [6] Resist the urge to keep sending texts asking them what’s up or pushing them to respond. [7]
    • If it’s been a couple of days, feel free to casually follow up and ask how they’re doing. But if they still don’t respond, that could be a signal that you need to back off and give them some space for a while.
    • Don’t push for information about where they are or what they’re doing if they don’t seem comfortable talking about it! “Checking in” too much can definitely make you seem clingy or even controlling. [8]
5

Find ways to be giving and supportive.

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    Instead of being a “taker”—for example, by constantly asking for reassurance, or dumping all your problems on them—find ways to nurture and support your potential partner. This way, the relationship will feel more balanced, and they’ll feel refreshed instead of drained after spending time with you. [9]
    • For example, you might treat them to dinner, give them a small gift, offer positive feedback on a project they’re working on, or help them with something they’re struggling with.
    • This doesn’t mean it’s never okay to ask for help or express your wants and needs! But be mindful of how often you’re doing it, and make sure you reciprocate when they’re supportive of you.
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6

Respect their boundaries.

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    For instance, if your date gets upset when you tell crude jokes, be gracious and keep it clean. Or, if they’ve asked you not to text them at work or while they’re out with their friends, respect their wishes and don’t text unless it’s an emergency. [10]
    • If you do slip up and cross a boundary, don’t make a huge deal out of it. Just apologize, assure them that you won’t do it again, and do your best to keep your word.
7

Take it slow.

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    As hard as it can be when you’re developing feelings for someone, try to keep it cool and let things unfold naturally. Avoid pressuring your crush or your new SO into saying “I love you,” putting a name to your relationship, getting intimate, or making big steps like moving in with you before they’re ready. [11]
    • It’s okay to open up about your own feelings, or to have a conversation about both of your expectations about the relationship. Just make it clear that you’re not trying to push them into anything they aren’t ready for.
    • When you talk about your relationship, focus on expressing your own feelings instead of interrogating them about how they feel. For instance, after you’ve been dating for a few weeks, you might say something like, “Hey, I just want you to know that I’m really enjoying my time with you, and that you’ve become very important to me. These last few weeks have been amazing.”
    • Avoid saying things like, “When are you going to tell me that you love me?” Or, “I want you to promise me that we’ll be together forever.”
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8

Pay attention to your insecurities.

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    When you get clingy, there’s usually an underlying reason. Before spending time with your special someone, check in with yourself about how you’re feeling. Do you notice any negative or insecure thoughts or feelings about the relationship? If so, think about what you can do to help reassure yourself—instead of expecting them to validate you or solve your problems. [12]
    • For instance, you might find yourself thinking things like, “Why aren’t they calling me more often? They must be losing interest in me already.” Stop and ask yourself if that thought is realistic. Have they given you other reasons to think they’re not interested? Is it possible that they aren’t calling because they’re busy or shy about talking on the phone?
    • It can be helpful to identify where your insecurities are coming from. For instance, did you have a bad experience in a previous relationship? If so, do you see any real evidence that your current relationship is going the same way?
9

Stop asking for validation.

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    Be careful about asking questions like “Do you love me?” or “Do you actually think I’m attractive?” Chances are that even if they tell you what you want to hear, it won’t necessarily fix those underlying insecure feelings. [13] Instead, focus on their actions, and look for ways that they show their affection and appreciation for you.
    • Try turning those feelings around and giving them the kind of validation that you’d want to receive yourself. You can even ask them questions like, “How can I help you today?” or “What can I do to help you feel loved and appreciated?” [14]
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10

Give them space.

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    No matter whether you’re just starting to date or already in an established relationship, this is a quick way to make someone feel smothered. Let your SO or potential partner do their own thing without calling or texting to ask what’s going on, and don’t interrogate them about what they were doing or who they were with afterwards. [15]
    • For instance, if they’re hanging out with friends, don’t keep texting them, or complain that they’re spending too much time with other people.
    • If you follow them on social media, it’s totally okay to like and comment on their posts sometimes. Just don’t use it to monitor where they are or who they’re hanging out with. [16]
11

Do things you enjoy outside the relationship.

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    When you really connect with someone, it can be easy to feel like your whole world revolves around them. But they’ll quickly get overwhelmed if it seems like you’re relying on them to fulfill all your needs. Enjoy spending time with your special person and appreciate that they’re part of your life, but don’t neglect the other parts of your life. [17] For example: [18]
    • Keep spending time with other people who are important to you, like your family and friends.
    • Spend time on hobbies and interests that are important to you, without always getting your SO involved.
    • Take time to practice basic self-care. This could mean things like getting exercise, eating good meals, or doing things on your own to unwind, such as meditating or reading a relaxing book.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.nbcnews.com/better/lifestyle/why-compliments-make-us-feel-so-good-how-get-better-ncna1062546
      2. ↑ https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20210722-why-we-dont-dole-out-many-compliments-but-should
      3. ↑ https://www.joinonelove.org/learn/five-big-myths-consent/
      4. ↑ https://www.joinonelove.org/learn/unhealthy-relationship-behaviors-series-jealousy/
      5. ↑ https://www.joinonelove.org/learn/5-clingy-relationship-behaviors-hurting-love-life/
      6. ↑ https://www.joinonelove.org/learn/texting-dos-and-donts-in-relationships/
      7. ↑ John Keegan. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 10 June 2021.
      8. ↑ https://www.joinonelove.org/learn/5-clingy-relationship-behaviors-hurting-love-life/
      9. ↑ John Keegan. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 10 June 2021.
      1. ↑ John Keegan. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 10 June 2021.
      2. ↑ https://www.joinonelove.org/learn/5-clingy-relationship-behaviors-hurting-love-life/
      3. ↑ John Keegan. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 10 June 2021.
      4. ↑ John Keegan. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 10 June 2021.
      5. ↑ https://www.today.com/health/how-have-healthy-relationship-questions-ask-your-partner-t147756
      6. ↑ John Keegan. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 10 June 2021.
      7. ↑ https://www.joinonelove.org/learn/5-clingy-relationship-behaviors-hurting-love-life/
      8. ↑ John Keegan. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 10 June 2021.
      9. ↑ https://www.joinonelove.org/learn/5-small-ways-to-avoid-losing-yourself-in-your-relationship/

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