How to Stop Being a Narcissist: Expert-Backed Tips

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Plus, the most common signs of narcissism
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What can you do to avoid being a narcissist? And how can you tell if you actually are one? If you’re looking for the answers to these questions, you’re in the right place. We worked with mental health experts to compile this comprehensive guide on how not to be narcissistic, including information on what narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is , available treatment options , and the difference between acting narcissistic sometimes vs. actually having this condition . Read on for everything you need to know.

How can I stop being a narcissist?

Clinical psychologist Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS, says narcissists often crave attention and admiration, act entitled, are hypersensitive to criticism, and struggle to accept responsibility for their actions or empathize with others. Here are some tips to help you avoid these types of behaviors:

  • Work on building your self-worth.
  • Pause and take a breath before responding with anger.
  • Apologize sincerely when you’ve made a mistake.
  • Pay attention to others’ needs and feelings.
  • Cultivate a humble and down-to-earth attitude.
  • Be careful not to hog conversations.
  • Consider working with a therapist or counselor.
Section 1 of 4:

How to Not Be a Narcissist: Expert Tips

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  1. 1
    Work on your self-worth. Although narcissists have a reputation for being overly confident or full of themselves, inside, the opposite is actually true. For narcissists, “There’s a real profound core sense of worthlessness,” explains licensed clinical counselor Jay Reid, LPCC. [1] In order to avoid this deep sense of insecurity, they overcompensate, project an inflated self-image, and are extremely sensitive to any type of criticism. [2] To avoid these narcissistic behaviors, developing a healthy sense of self-worth is key.
    • One way to work on this is to practice self-compassion , which means being kind to yourself when you’re struggling. It’s about recognizing that you’re human, and it’s okay to not be perfect.
    • The next time you catch yourself being self-critical or beating yourself up over a mistake, pause and repeat an encouraging affirmation, like “It’s okay to have an off day,” or “I’m doing the best I can, and that’s enough.” [3]
    • This doesn’t mean being full of yourself or pumping yourself up too much—it means being secure in your identity and learning to love who you truly are (not an idealized version of yourself).
    • Cultivating self-worth on your own can be tough, so if you’re struggling, consider working with a therapist or counselor. They can give you tips and strategies to help you look at things a different way.

    Meet the wikiHow Experts

    Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS , is a clinical psychologist with over 30 years of experience treating a variety of psychological disorders, trauma, and abuse.

    Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW, is a psychotherapist specializing in individual and couples therapy, as well as an award-winning and best-selling author.

    Adam Dorsay, PsyD , is a licensed psychologist who specializes in helping high-achieving adults with relationship issues, stress reduction, and anxiety.

    Liana Georgoulis, PsyD, is a licensed clinical psychologist specializing in cognitive behavioral therapy and other evidence-based therapies for adolescents, adults, and couples.

    Jay Reid, LPCC is a licensed professional clinical counselor specializing in narcissism and narcissistic abuse.

  2. 2
    Pause before reacting with anger. According to Reid, a narcissist's deep insecurity is like a “raw nerve that can get easily scratched.” As a result, they tend to feel insulted or slighted very easily, which causes them to lash out. To not be narcissistic, the challenge is to respond to these perceived slights or insults with openness to the other person’s point of view, rather than defensiveness or rage, explains Reid. [4]
    • If you feel your anger start to rise, take a deep breath and try to pause before reacting. In the heat of the moment, it’s easy to get riled up and say something you regret, but if you slow down, you’ll be able to express yourself in a healthier way.
    • As you pause and calm down , ask yourself these questions: Did this person actually mean to insult me? Is the situation as serious as I think it is? Am I overreacting or seeing something that isn’t actually there?
    • If you still feel upset after asking yourself these questions, express your concerns in a clear, calm way. Avoid raising your voice, insulting, or belittling the other person, and let them share their point of view, too. [5]
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  3. 3
    Identify your triggers. If you’re aware of the situations that tend to trigger narcissistic behaviors for you, you’ll be better able to prepare and plan for them. For example, you might notice that you feel a disproportionate amount of anger when someone is trying to offer constructive criticism to you or suggest a new way to do something. In this case, you could make an effort to practice anger management strategies whenever you’re in these situations. [6]
  4. 4
    Apologize when you’ve made a mistake. According to Brown, narcissists are “seldom willing to accept responsibility,” even when they’ve clearly made a mistake or hurt someone’s feelings. [9] Instead, they often deny that they’ve done anything wrong and shift blame onto someone else. If you want to avoid acting like a narcissist, take ownership when you’ve messed up and offer sincere, genuine apologies for what you did. Here are some key things to include in a good apology:
    • Acknowledge the offense. Be specific about what you did, and show that you understand why it was wrong. Don’t try to make excuses, and don’t try to shift blame.
    • Express remorse. Let the other person know that you regret acting the way you did and feel remorse for hurting them.
    • Offer to make amends. Tell them you’ll do whatever you can to make the situation right, and assure them it won’t happen again.
    • For example: “I’m so sorry for making that offensive comment about your outfit. I spoke without thinking, and it wasn’t nice of me. I hate that I hurt your feelings, and I truly regret saying what I did. I promise it won’t happen again, and I’ll do anything I can to make this right.”
  5. 5
    Avoid taking things personally. One classic narcissistic tendency is to assume that everything is about you, and to feel easily slighted. [10] In other words, if a friend cancels on lunch last minute, it must be because they hate you and have no respect for you. Or, if your boss compliments your coworker, they’re actively devaluing you and ignoring all your hard work. To not be narcissistic, it’s essential to avoid personalizing things in this way.
    • If you catch yourself personalizing things like this and feeling easily slighted, take a deep breath and remind yourself that people are not going out of their way to insult you.
    • Your friend who cancelled lunch isn’t trying to disrespect your time—they just got a flat tire or caught a cold. Your boss who complimented your coworker isn’t trying to imply your coworker is better than you—they’re just offering some encouragement for their hard work.
    • If you make an effort to see things in this light, you’re much less likely to act in a narcissistic way!
  6. 6
    Pay attention to other people’s feelings. If you want to avoid narcissistic behavior, pay attention to other people’s feelings and make an effort to understand them. According to Brown, narcissists struggle to have empathy or compassion for others. [11] As a result, the more empathetic you are, the less likely you are to be narcissistic. Here are some tips for being more empathetic :
    • Ask the people in your life questions about their feelings, thoughts, and interests. This will help you connect more deeply with others, while also helping you understand the reasons why they act the way they do.
    • Let people know you’re available to support them. If they’re having a hard day or going through something difficult, be a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on.
    • Interact with all kinds of people. Get out of your comfort zone and meet people from different backgrounds, belief systems, or communities to open yourself up to a variety of perspectives. [12]
  7. 7
    Acknowledge other people’s points of view. Narcissistic people tend to “believe that their reality is the only reality,” and “they lose a sense of intersubjectivity,” explains Adam Dorsay, PsyD. [13] In other words, they have a hard time seeing other people’s point of view, and they tend to assume that they’re always right. Fighting against this impulse is a key part of avoiding narcissistic behavior.
    • When someone is upset with you, put yourself in their shoes and try to imagine why they feel this way. Did you do something offensive or hurtful, even if you didn’t mean to? If so, apologize, rather than deflecting the blame or making excuses.
    • Is someone expressing an opinion you disagree with? Pause and hear them out, rather than dismissing them or telling them they’re wrong. They may have valuable insights about the situation that you haven’t thought of before.
  8. 8
    Be careful not to hog conversations. During a conversation, avoid talking a lot more than others, constantly steering the topic back to yourself, or appearing disinterested when other people speak. [14] These types of behaviors can be pretty frustrating and hurtful to others, and they’re often referred to as conversational narcissism . Here are some tips:
    • Make sure you aren’t monologuing. In a good conversation, one person shouldn’t be talking a lot more than others—everyone should get a chance to pitch in and share their perspective.
    • Practice active listening when others are speaking. This means using engaged body language, giving them your undivided attention, and reacting to what they’re saying with appropriate facial expressions.
    • Ask thoughtful follow-up questions to show that you were paying attention while they were talking. For example, if someone tells a story about a recent trip to Italy, you could say, “Wow, that sounds amazing! What part of Italy did you go to?”
  9. 9
    Listen to understand, not to dispute, criticize, or offer advice. Instead of interrupting someone to disagree with them, tell them they’re doing something wrong, or offer unsolicited advice, try to be present and actually take in what they’re saying. Don’t think of what you’re going to say next or come up with rebuttals as if you were having a formal debate—stay in the moment, and listen with the intention to understand.
    • Avoid constantly responding to people with “but” statements that dismiss or negate what they said (“But I don’t agree with that,” “But that’s not true,” “But I didn’t see that,” etc).
    • It’s okay to share your point of view, but make sure to acknowledge theirs first! For example, “I totally get why you liked the movie—you noticed a bunch of things that I missed on the first watch! I didn’t really enjoy it, but maybe I’ll give it another chance.”
  10. 10
    Learn how to compromise. “The narcissist seldom compromises or is willing to negotiate,” explains Brown. [15] So, if you want to avoid acting narcissistic, avoid having a “my way or the highway” type of attitude. Try to be conscious of other people’s needs, and do your best to meet them in the middle whenever you’re able to.
  11. 11
    Do random acts of kindness for others. A common stereotype about narcissists is that they only think of themselves. One way to avoid this type of behavior is to prioritize doing nice things for others. Does your best friend have a big presentation coming up at work or school? Text them an encouraging good-luck message that morning. Is your partner having a tough week? Surprise them with a latte and pastry from their favorite coffee shop. A little act of kindness goes a long way!
  12. 12
    Cultivate a humble, down-to-earth attitude. In general, narcissists “yearn for tons of accolades and praise [...] they have a sense of entitlement, and are known to have a very pompous attitude and perception of the world,” explains Brown. [16] As a result, developing the opposite type of attitude would be a good way to avoid narcissism. This means being humble , down-to-earth, modest, and unpretentious.
    • Psychotherapist Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW, explains that narcissists tend to have “an exaggerated sense of self-importance” and “believe that they are better than other people,” which makes them think “the rules just don’t apply to them.” [17]
    • For example, if a narcissist visits a restaurant, they may resent having to wait in line for anything, and they may expect special treatment by the waitstaff, even when they’ve done nothing to earn it.
    • If you’re trying not to be narcissistic, avoiding these types of behaviors is key. Be kind and respectful to everyone, and express your thanks when they help you. Treat everyone the way you would want to be treated!
  13. 13
    Manage your stress levels. People with narcissistic tendencies often have a hard time managing their emotions, so their symptoms may worsen when they’re feeling extra stressed-out or overwhelmed. [18] To avoid lashing out in these moments, it’s essential to manage your stress levels. Here are some ideas to help you de-stress:
    • Exercise regularly. Physical activity releases endorphins, and it’s a great stress reliever.
    • Start meditating on a regular basis to cultivate a sense of calm and peacefulness in your life.
    • Consider doing yoga . It blends calm, meditative practices with physical activity, making it super effective for stress relief!
    • When you’re sleep deprived, your mood and stress levels can suffer, so make sure you’re getting enough sleep (7-9 hours per night). [19]
  14. 14
    Try out journaling. Journaling is one way to understand your emotions better (and therefore avoid acting out in narcissistic ways when you’re feeling overwhelmed). Beyond this, journaling is associated with all kinds of mental health benefits, like reducing stress, decreasing anxiety, identifying triggers, and increasing self-awareness and EQ (emotional intelligence). [20]
    • Try to write in your journal every day. You don’t need to write long entries each time—just do your best to do it regularly, so it becomes a part of your routine.
    • Don’t worry about grammar or making your writing “sound good.” Focus on exploring how you feel honestly and truthfully! [21]
  15. 15
    Cultivate a positive attitude. “It’s not uncommon for narcissists to have a very negative outlook and perspective on the world,” says Brown. [22] For example, when something in their life goes wrong, they may think that everyone is out to get them, or that they’re being unfairly treated or persecuted, when it’s really just an unfortunate coincidence. As a result, cultivating a positive, optimistic mindset is a good way to avoid narcissistic tendencies.
    • To build a more positive attitude, try keeping a gratitude list . Write down a few things you’re genuinely grateful for each night, even when you feel like you had a bad day.
    • This reminds you of all the positive things in your life and keeps you from sinking into a pessimistic mindset.
  16. 16
    Consider going to therapy. If you’re having trouble managing narcissistic tendencies on your own, treatment with a therapist can help. They’ll be able to assess you, come up with a treatment plan, and provide you with tools and strategies to manage your symptoms. [23]
    • They’ll also be able to determine whether you actually have narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) or are just dealing with a few narcissistic tendencies.
    • We’ll go over what NPD is in more depth in the next section .
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Section 2 of 4:

What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)?

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  1. NPD is a condition that affects someone’s self-esteem and sense of identity. People with NPD have an excessive need to feel important and impress others, and they project an idealized version of themselves to hide deeper insecurities. The causes aren’t entirely known, but experts believe NPD could be the result of genetics, negative childhood experiences, and parenting styles. [24] To meet the criteria for a diagnosis, someone would need to display at least 5 of the following signs of narcissistic personality disorder:
    • Grandiose sense of self-importance (bragging, holding oneself to unreasonably high standards, bragging or exaggerating achievements).
    • Frequent fantasies about having (or deserving) success, power, beauty, intelligence, or love.
    • Feeling superior to others (thinking they’re special or unique, believing they should only associate with other “special” people).
    • An excessive need for admiration, driven by a fragile sense of self-esteem.
    • Entitlement (having an inflated sense of self-worth, expecting special treatment, being angry when people don’t cater to their needs).
    • Willingness to exploit others, either consciously or unconsciously.
    • Lack of empathy for others.
    • Frequent feelings of envy.
    • Arrogance (acting snobby, disdainful, or condescending, talking down to others). [25]
Section 3 of 4:

Can someone stop being a narcissist?

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  1. NPD is a chronic condition, but it is possible to treat and manage symptoms. Although narcissistic personality disorder is generally considered to be a lifelong condition, there are treatments out there to help people with NPD manage their symptoms. With this treatment, many people with NPD are able to grow, change, and evolve, ultimately leading to less narcissistic behavior. [26] Treatment methods include:
    • Therapy: Psychotherapy is the main treatment method for NPD. Specifically, dialectical behavioral therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, metacognitive therapy, group therapy, couples therapy, or family therapy may be helpful.
    • Medication: There aren’t any medications that treat NPD itself, but there are medications that treat conditions related to NPD, such as depression, anxiety, or issues with your mood. [27]
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Section 4 of 4:

Narcissistic Behavior vs. Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)

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  1. Acting narcissistic isn’t the same thing as having NPD. “Narcissism is a spectrum,” explains Miller. “There’s also a difference between somebody who is a narcissist and somebody who has narcissistic personality disorder. So a narcissist can have some of those traits and not necessarily have NPD.” [28] In other words, it’s possible to have a few narcissistic tendencies without actually meeting the criteria for an NPD diagnosis.
    • In fact, it’s actually normal to display narcissistic behavior every once in a while, and occasional behavior doesn’t necessarily indicate NPD. [29]
    • For example, if you feel like you acted in a narcissistic way once or twice and now you’re worried that you’re a narcissist, you probably aren’t one. You’d need to exhibit these traits much more frequently to meet the criteria.
    • If you’ve noticed more frequent narcissistic tendencies but aren’t sure whether you actually have NPD, schedule an appointment with a licensed mental health professional. “Only a trained professional would be able to tell for sure,” explains Miller. [30]
    • Remember, whether you’ve been officially diagnosed with NPD or you’re just dealing with a few narcissistic tendencies, you aren’t alone, and it is possible to change your behaviors and experience healing!

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      References

      1. ↑ Jay Reid, LPCC. Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor. Expert Interview
      2. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/mental-health/personality-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder
      3. ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/the_five_myths_of_self_compassion
      4. ↑ Jay Reid, LPCC. Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor. Expert Interview
      5. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/anger-management/art-20045434
      6. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/anger-management/art-20045434
      7. ↑ Jay Reid, LPCC. Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor. Expert Interview
      8. ↑ https://www.simplypsychology.org/narcissistic-rage.html#What-Triggers-Narcissistic-Rage
      9. ↑ Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview
      1. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662
      2. ↑ Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview
      3. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/health/how-to-be-more-empathetic
      4. ↑ Adam Dorsay, PsyD. Licensed Psychologist & TEDx Speaker. Expert Interview
      5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-at-any-age/201712/easy-ways-to-tell-whether-youre-an-inadvertent-narcissist
      6. ↑ Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview
      7. ↑ Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview
      8. ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Psychotherapist. Expert Interview
      9. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662
      10. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/stress-relievers/art-20047257
      11. ↑ https://www.urmc.rochester.edu/encyclopedia/content?ContentTypeID=1&ContentID=4552
      12. ↑ https://www.urmc.rochester.edu/encyclopedia/content?ContentTypeID=1&ContentID=4552
      13. ↑ Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview
      14. ↑ https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/9742-narcissistic-personality-disorder#management-and-treatment
      15. ↑ https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/9742-narcissistic-personality-disorder#management-and-treatment https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/9742-narcissistic-personality-disorder
      16. ↑ https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/9742-narcissistic-personality-disorder#management-and-treatment
      17. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder/treatment#is-change-possible
      18. ↑ https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/9742-narcissistic-personality-disorder#management-and-treatment
      19. ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Psychotherapist. Expert Interview
      20. ↑ https://www.dukehealth.org/blog/9-signs-of-narcissistic-personality-disorder
      21. ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Psychotherapist. Expert Interview

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