How to Have a Life Outside of Your Relationship: Expert Tips

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Love completely while staying true to yourself
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You're head-over-heels and the next thing you know, you look around and aren't sure who you are anymore. Are you starting to feel like your boyfriend has become the center of your universe? You're not alone—it happens all the time! We talked to psychology experts to find what you can do to get back to yourself, while still being the loving partner you've always been.

Being Independent in a Relationship

As romantic as it may sound, letting your life revolve around your boyfriend does more harm than good. Avoid this by maintaining your own separate interests, spending time on your own, and prioritizing your relationship with yourself.

Section 1 of 3:

15 Ways to Love without Losing Yourself

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  1. Remember who you were before your relationship and try to reconnect with the things that got you going then. Psychotherapist Kelli Miller recommends asking yourself "what did I do before this relationship that's kind of fallen by the wayside now that I'm in a relationship, and kind of coming back to that."
    • For example, if you like biking, you might try different bike trails in your area or join a local cycling club.
    • As a bonus, when you practice and improve you'll likely get a good confidence boost, which can also help you in your quest to avoid making your boyfriend the center of your life.
    • It's great for you and your boyfriend to share interests too, but don't think that you have to drop something just because he's not into it. Having separate interests is healthy.
  2. Stay focused on what you want for the future. Maybe your boyfriend will be there with you and maybe he won't, but regardless, you know that you're going to do what you can to meet your career goals and get other parts of your life in order. Simply don't give up on anything that's important to you for the sake of being in a relationship with your boyfriend. [1]
    • Don't let your boyfriend distract you from working toward your goals either. Remember: you might not have to spend the rest of your life with him, but you do have to spend the rest of your life with yourself. Make it meaningful for you!
    • When you talk about the future, say "I" instead of "we"—these are your goals that you intend to achieve regardless of your relationship status.
    • Licensed professional counselor Tara Vossenkemper advises finding the balance where you're "actively loving, but not at the core expense of who [you are]."
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  3. Humans are social beings—we actually thrive when we have a lot of diverse relationships. Go out and spend time with the people you love, without your boyfriend. If you've been glued to his side recently, they'll probably be really excited to hang out with just you. [2]
    • For example, you might have lunch with your bestie or spend Sunday afternoon with your family. You might also consider calling up friends or family who live out of town and going to visit them for the weekend.
    • Life and relationship transition coach Leah Morris emphasizes that "to help you achieve more balance, more peace, and more fulfillment [you need] a really good support system."
    • Avoid rescheduling or canceling if your boyfriend wants to do something when you've already made plans with a friend or family member. This sets the precedent that he is more valuable than anyone else.
    EXPERT TIP

    John Keegan

    Dating Coach
    John Keegan is a Dating Coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. With over 10 years of professional experience, he runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health.
    John Keegan
    Dating Coach

    A healthy social balance is essential to any relationship. While quality time with your boyfriend is important, it's just as important to spend quality time with your friends, too. You and your boyfriend should be able to find a happy medium that works for both of you.

  4. As much as you love your boyfriend, you don't need to spend every minute with him—and you don't have to share every experience you have with him, either. Take yourself out on a date once a week and have some adventures all on your own.
    • These adventures don't have to break the bank—you could just go to the library or go for a walk in a nearby park—just as long as you go alone.
    • Doing things alone helps you be self-sufficient and remember what it's like to move around the world being entirely responsible for yourself without anyone else looking out for you.
  5. Setting strong boundaries is one of the greatest acts of self-love that you can do for yourself—and it can also help keep you from losing yourself in a relationship. Don't do things for your boyfriend (or let your boyfriend get away with doing things) just because you don't want to fight about it. Let him know when he's doing something that bothers you. [3]
    • Miller notes that "it is so important to know your own personal boundaries and also to have boundaries within a relationship. You all have different needs, different experiences, and it's really important to communicate that with your partner."
    • Any time you stifle your feelings, you risk losing yourself in the relationship. Next time something pricks you, tell your boyfriend respectfully and directly.
    • These conversations help you and your boyfriend remember your separate identities within your relationship—that you're two people who have your own responses.
  6. Just as you're taking time to yourself to preserve your individuality, your boyfriend needs the same. It might be difficult at first—especially if you've been spending every waking moment together. But with time, it will start to feel more natural. [4]
    • While you're giving your boyfriend space, try your best to tamp down any feelings of jealousy that might arise. You might try journaling or talk to a close friend about your feelings—they can likely reassure you that it's all in your head.
    • Schedule activities for yourself when you know that your boyfriend is going to be busy. It will keep your thoughts from turning to him so you won't have the urge to text him every few minutes.
    • For example, if your boyfriend usually watches sports with his friends on Sunday, you might start a book club with some of your friends and meet in the library every Sunday afternoon.
  7. If you and your boyfriend want to get the full benefit of doing things separately, that means you also can't be texting each other every 2 seconds. Resist the urge to check in on each other or share a pic of something funny you saw—you can do it later when you're together again. [5]
    • This also gives you new things to talk to each other about later! It doesn't help as much to experience things on your own if you text each other so frequently that you feel like you're there in person.
  8. "When you can be alone and be happy," Love and transformation coach Jennifer Butler explains, "it's like a superpower. It's the basis for everything. It's the basis for being able to be the best partner to yourself."
    • And "if you can self-partner," Butler continues, "then you are available to be an amazing partner to another human being."
    • This means nurturing your mind, body, and soul with life-affirming self-care, whatever that means to you. It could mean a spa day, or it could mean sketching ducks on a pond. Treat yourself like you would treat your best friend!
  9. When you get really entrenched in a relationship to the point that you feel like your life revolves around your boyfriend, it's really easy for your self-confidence to take a hit. "So confidence, when you look up the term, it actually means firm trust," Morris explains. People have to do specific things "for us to develop a firm trust in them [and] the same goes for self-confidence."
    • Morris mentions that she's "a big fan of affirmations. So looking at yourself in the mirror, saying to yourself what it is that you need to hear to get pumped up."
    • "You're going to nail this… you're smart, you're capable. Any affirmations like that are really really great to say out loud," Morris continues, "so that your ears can hear it and then your body can feel it."
    • Even though you might not be 100% behind your affirmations the first few times you say them, as you repeat them and start to act as though they're true, you'll come to trust in them more—and that's true confidence in yourself.
  10. This means that you don't wait for your boyfriend to acknowledge something before you believe it's worthy of celebration. But it also means that you don't shrink yourself or your accomplishments just to spare your boyfriend's feelings or ego. Don't be afraid to toot your own horn—you earned it!
    • For example, you might be tempted to tell people you don't want to make a big deal about your graduation because your boyfriend never graduated. But you earned your degree and you deserve to celebrate your achievement!
    • Remind yourself that you deserve a boyfriend who's proud of your achievements and happy to bask in your glory, not threatened or intimidated. [6]
  11. Small things that seem like no big deal can be really easy for you to just shrug and give up on—especially early on in a relationship. For Miller, "the first step is knowing what feels right to you. I think oftentimes, in relationships, we slide that a lot to please our partner, and then it ends up hurting us in the end."
    • "Knowing… what feels right to you is super important," Miller continues, "and then once you can establish that, then you communicate it to your partner."
    • For example, you might say, "I understand that you like keeping our apartment a certain way, but I'd like to hang some of my stuff in this space too."
    • Miller recommends doing this "before there's an issue" so that you can communicate "in a really neutral and healthy way."
  12. This can be a tough topic to bring up, but chances are, your boyfriend has already caught on to the fact that something's not quite right with you. And if you feel like you're losing yourself in the relationship, it might be that he feels that way too. [7]
    • Use "I" language to keep the focus on your feelings—you don't want him to feel like you're blaming him for anything.
    • Vossenkemper cautions that "a 'you' statement is going to get the defensiveness." That doesn't mean that you never say you, just that you don't use it in an accusatory way.
    • By using "I" language, on the other hand, you create what Vossenkemper calls "a gentle start-up": "I feel x when y " centers your reaction to the behavior rather than calling out the behavior.
  13. This all-encompassing idea of romantic love is popular in rom-coms and romance novels for a reason—it's a fantasy. The reality is codependent and damaging to everyone involved. [8]
    • Miller recommends that you "think of it like, the letter H is a better framework where two people are on both sides and are kind of bridged in the middle versus the letter A where they feel like they're leaning on each other." You're equal partners, facing life together by choice.
    • A lot of this is also about self-love. "What that really means," Morris explains, "is to be in general acceptance of whatever it is that we're going through and then to attend to ourselves accordingly."
    • Remember that you are a whole person—you don't need anyone else to complete you.
  14. Remember that while you don't have to spend the rest of your life with your boyfriend, you do have to spend the rest of your life with yourself. Go out and try new things, visit new places, talk to different people—every new experience you have is a fresh opportunity to get to know yourself a little better. [9]
    • For Butler, it's about recognizing "that the more you give yourself what you need, the better you show up as a human being and then the better the people around can also show up."
    • And when you do this, Butler continues, "you can learn how to inspire other people to rise instead of meeting them at a lower place."
    • Morris advises that you "make sure that you're taking care of not only your mind, but also your body, your heart, your soul. So you can't have a sustained level of balance and happiness and fulfillment if you don't have all of the pieces working in integrity with what that means."
  15. If you've tried to reclaim your individuality and still feel as though you're losing yourself, a therapist can help. Sometimes this happens because of relationship dynamics you learned in childhood and a therapist can help you unpack that. [10]
    • Therapists can also point you to books, websites, and other resources that will help you in your journey to love without losing yourself.
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Section 2 of 3:

Benefits of Individuality in a Relationship

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  1. When you and your boyfriend both have your own lives and interests to maintain, you're happy and excited to spend time together. You have new things to talk about and share with each other, so every meeting is an opportunity to learn something new about the person you love. [11]
    • Pursuing your own passions also helps you feel like you're living a more fulfilling life , so overall you'll feel more satisfied—both with your life and with your relationship.
  2. You've accepted yourself for who you are, warts and all—you're your own best friend! How your boyfriend feels about you doesn't change that. You'll always be your authentic self, regardless of what turns your relationship might take. [12]
    • You know where you're headed and happy for your boyfriend to come along for the ride, but you're still going to be you if he gets out at the next stop.
  3. When you already know everything about your boyfriend because you do everything together, you can also run out of things to talk about. It can be easy for life to fall into a rut and get boring. [13]
    • When you both live your own lives, on the other hand, you always have new things to share with each other because you're constantly experiencing different things apart from each other.
  4. Think back to when you and your boyfriend first started falling for each other. Part of the reason it was so exciting to spend so much time with him was likely that you didn't know him very well yet—there were so many things you had yet to discover. But if the two of you don't maintain your individuality while you're in a relationship, that sense of discovery can disappear. [14]
    • Spending time apart cultivating individual interests helps you and your boyfriend grow. Coming together and sharing those interests helps you grow together.
    • When you run out of new things to share and new things to discover about each other, it's easy for a rift to grow between you. Fortunately, this is easily remedied by simply making time for your own interests again.
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Section 3 of 3:

Signs Your Life Revolves Around Your Relationship

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  1. Have you and your partner been glued at the hip ever since you first hooked up? Do you invite yourself along when they mention going out with their friends? If you said yes, you might need to do some work to reclaim your individuality. Other signs include: [15]
    • You haven't done one of your favorite hobbies in a while because your partner isn't into it.
    • No one you know has seen you without your partner in weeks or even months.
    • You never leave the house without your partner, even to run errands.
    • You can't make a decision without consulting your partner first.
    • You text or call your partner constantly to check in when you're physically separated.
    • You automatically say or think "we" or "us" instead of "I" or "me," even with things that don't remotely concern your partner.

Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    I sometimes feel like l cannot let go of my boyfriend. What can I do?
    Paul Chernyak, LPC
    Licensed Professional Counselor
    Paul Chernyak is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Chicago. He graduated from the American School of Professional Psychology in 2011.
    Paul Chernyak, LPC
    Licensed Professional Counselor
    Expert Answer
    Try to see what need he fulfills for you that you are not fulfilling for yourself. It's usually a sign of personal insecurity or lack of personal friendships outside the relationship.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
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  • Question
    I feel that my boyfriend is avoiding me all the time and he has better options than me. It's driving me crazy. How can I prevent this?
    Paul Chernyak, LPC
    Licensed Professional Counselor
    Paul Chernyak is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Chicago. He graduated from the American School of Professional Psychology in 2011.
    Paul Chernyak, LPC
    Licensed Professional Counselor
    Expert Answer
    Have an open discussion with him about how you are perceiving the situation and specifically what is bothering you in the relationship. Try to come to a compromise that is ideal for the both of you.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
    Thank you for your feedback.
    If wikiHow has helped you, please consider a small contribution to support us in helping more readers like you. We’re committed to providing the world with free how-to resources, and even $1 helps us in our mission. Support wikiHow
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/sexual-futurist/202208/how-to-stay-true-to-yourself-in-a-relationship
      2. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/relationship-help.htm
      3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-angry-therapist/202411/how-to-stop-losing-yourself-in-relationships
      4. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/relationship-help.htm
      5. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/relationship-help.htm
      6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/201805/love-and-envy
      7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/ie/blog/insight-is-2020/201707/are-you-part-of-an-independent-couple-or-codependent-couple
      8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/compassion-matters/201102/staying-compatible-staying-yourself
      9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/sexual-futurist/202208/how-to-stay-true-to-yourself-in-a-relationship
      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-angry-therapist/202411/how-to-stop-losing-yourself-in-relationships
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/compassion-matters/201102/staying-compatible-staying-yourself
      3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/sexual-futurist/202208/how-to-stay-true-to-yourself-in-a-relationship
      4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/compassion-matters/201102/staying-compatible-staying-yourself
      5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/compassion-matters/201102/staying-compatible-staying-yourself
      6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-angry-therapist/202411/how-to-stop-losing-yourself-in-relationships

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