65+ Hilarious Jokes about Getting Old

Looking for some funny old-people jokes to show the humorous side of getting older? WikiHow has got you covered! This article lists more than 65 short jokes , quotes , and one-liners about aging to help you face getting older with grace, style, and a sense of humor. We’ll also tell you where to find even more jokes in other subjects that are sure to leave you in stitches. Plus, we spoke with standup comedian Kendall Payne and public speaking coach Patrick Muñoz to get their expert advice on how to tell jokes that make people laugh!

Top-Tier Old Age Jokes

I’m so old that my first car was a covered wagon.
The older we get, the earlier it gets late.
I called the incontinence hotline recently. They asked if I could hold.
Be kind to your kids. They choose your nursing home.
What do retirees call a long lunch? Normal.
These are not gray hairs! They’re wisdom highlights.

Section 1 of 9:

Short Old-People Jokes

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Keep your old people jokes short and snappy for a quick laugh. Many jokes rely on the element of surprise to make you laugh. ^{[1]
X
Research source} An easy way to catch people off guard is to keep your joke short and sweet, like one of these brief jokes on aging:
- What is a prize that old people can win for aging? Atrophy.
- Why do old people love English muffins so much? All the nooks and grannies.
- I’m at the age where I can’t keep up with all the things I hate.
- You know you’re old when people call at 9:00 pm and ask, “Did I wake you?”
- If age is a number, keep yours unlisted.
- I’m so old that my first car was a covered wagon.
- How is the moon like dentures? Both come out at night.
- What’s the best part of old age? That it doesn’t last very long.
- Why do retirees smile so much? Because they can’t hear a word you’re saying.

Section 2 of 9:

Funny One-Liner Jokes on Seniors

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Deliver the perfect one-liner to point out the trials of aging. One-liners are known for being short and fast, making them easier to remember. One-liners might seem simple, but they often involve a sly double meaning that flips the joke on its head in only a few short words. ^{[2]
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Research source} Here are a few examples of some laugh-out-loud funny one-liners about aging:
- If I ever decide to buy a horse ranch in my old age, I’m going to name it “Pasture Prime.”
- Old age is a heck of a lot better than the alternative.
- You know you’re getting old when your birthday cake is a fire hazard.
- With age comes wisdom… and hair in really weird places.
- Aging gracefully is a nice way of saying you’re slowly looking worse.
- Don’t let aging get you down; it’s too hard to get back up again.
- I’m getting older and wider instead of older and wiser!
- Old people are just young people who have been alive for a very, very long time.
- The older we get, the earlier it gets late.
- You know you’re getting old when your doctor refers you to an archaeologist.
- You know you’re getting old when your birthday cake is a fire hazard.

Section 3 of 9:

Rude Adult Jokes about Getting Old

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Get a little risqué with adults-only jokes about getting older. Now that your kids have flown the nest, you don’t have to worry so much about keeping your jokes G-rated… until the grandkids show up! Try out a few of these rude jokes to give your adult friends a laugh:
- Which underwear brand do seniors love best? It Depends.
- One benefit of old age is that your secrets are always safe with your friends. They can’t remember them… or they’re dead.
- Old age is when you’re faced with 2 temptations and you choose the one that will get you home by 9:00 pm.
- When you’re young, it’s embarrassing when you forget to zip up your fly. When you’re old, it’s when you forget to unzip it.
- My grandmother was a tough woman. She buried 3 husbands, and 2 of them were just napping.
- I’ve reached the age where looking in the mirror naked is like checking the news. I know there’ll be some new developments I won’t like.
- When you’re as old as I am, getting lucky is walking into a room and remembering exactly why you’re there.
- I called the incontinence hotline recently. They asked if I could hold.
- What’s the secret to having a smoking hot body as a senior? Cremation.
- At my age, the only pole dancing I do is to hold on to the safety bar in the bathtub.

Section 4 of 9:

Old-People Jokes about Marriage & Family

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Poke gentle fun at how your closest relationships change as you age. Having a good sense of humor boosts your mental and physical health. It’s also a great way to relieve conflict and tension… something that might come in handy now that you have more time to spend with your loved ones. ^{[3]
X
Research source} Keep your relationships happy and healthy with a few of these age-related jokes about family and marriage:
- Be kind to your kids. They choose your nursing home.
- Apparently, saying, “Oh, this old thing?” isn’t an appropriate way to introduce my wife.
- My wife is so vain she’d rather pay full price than admit she’s a senior citizen.
- Age is a relative thing. All your relatives keep reminding you how old you are.
- I used to know a couple who grew fruit trees together. They lived to a ripe old age.
- Why should you marry someone older than you? As your looks fade, so will their eyesight.

Section 5 of 9:

Old-People Jokes about Retirement

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Laugh about leaving the workplace in a blaze of glory. Retiring is a time for celebration. You’ve worked for a long time, and now you’re planning to kick back and enjoy your golden years. Face this milestone with a smile on your face by sharing one of these funny jokes about retiring.
- I know lots of jokes about retirement, but none of them work.
- What do you call someone who’s happy on Mondays? Retired!
- Welcome to retirement, where getting dressed up means wearing a clean pair of pajamas.
- What do most people gain after retirement? It would be great to say peace and relaxation, but it's usually a few extra pounds!
- My retirement plan is simple: wake up, have coffee, and then decide what to do with the rest of my nap.
- Retirement sounds like fun until you realize you're too old, too broke, and too tired to leave the couch.
- Retirement: the only time when it’s acceptable to answer every question with, “I’ll get to it later.”
- What do retirees call a long lunch? Normal.
- How do you know you are old enough to retire? Instead of lying about your age, you start bragging about it!

Section 6 of 9:

Old-Man & Old-Woman Jokes

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Show off your self-deprecating humor with age-related jokes about your gender. There are some experiences that we share with others who are the same age and gender. Making jokes about those experiences is a great way to connect with others like us. ^{[4]
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Research source} Try out a few of these jokes that combine aging and gender to bond with other people in your generation:
- Where can single men over 65 find younger women who are interested in them?
  - In the bookstore, under “Fiction.”
- An old woman is sitting at a bar when an older gentleman sits down beside her. “So,” he says, “do I come here often?”
- Old women rarely admit their age. Old men rarely act it.
- I love older women because they’re used to life’s disappointments, so they’re ready for me.
- Old age makes us great multitaskers. Why, I can sneeze and pee at the same time!
- Stop thinking of them as “hot flashes.” Think of them as your inner child playing with matches.
- These are not gray hairs! They’re wisdom highlights.
- Knock, knock.
  Who’s there?
  A little old lady.
  A little old lady who?
  Hey, I didn’t know you could yodel!

Section 7 of 9:

Funny Quotes about Aging

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Share a funny quote about aging for a lighthearted chuckle. A hilarious quote about aging from a famous comedian or witty celebrity is perfect for those moments when you aren’t sure what to say. Here are a few of the funniest quotes about aging we’ve seen:
- “As you get older, three things happen: The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.” – Norman Wisdom
- “Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man – there’s your diamond in the rough.” – Larry David
- “You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.” – Bob Hope
- “Fighting aging is like the War on Drugs. It’s expensive, does more harm than good, and has been proven to never end.” – Amy Poehler
- “You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.” – Ogden Nash
- “I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.” – Phyllis Diller
- “The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.” – Lucille Ball
- “At my age, if I wanted to keep in touch with old friends, I’d need a Ouija board.” – Betty White
- “When I was a boy, the Dead Sea was only sick.” – George Burns
- “The aging process is not gradual or gentle. It rushes up, pushes you over, and runs off laughing.” – John Mortimer
- “Old age is always fifteen years older than I am.” – Oliver Wendell Holmes
- “People say, ‘How do you stay looking so young?’ I say, well, good lighting, good doctors, and good makeup.” – Dolly Parton
- “Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome.” – Isaac Asimov

Section 8 of 9:

Other Types of Jokes

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Interested in other types of jokes? If you’re looking for jokes on other subjects, we’ve got your back. We’ve put together a list of wikiHow articles with hundreds of different types of jokes to make you laugh or share with your friends:

Section 9 of 9:

Telling Old-People Jokes to Get a Laugh

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1
Choose the right joke for your audience. Reading a room and gauging what your audience will find funny is a big part of being funny and telling jokes that make people laugh. Muñoz suggests being very careful about telling any type of joke in serious situations like work events, funerals, and weddings. He recommends that you always pay attention to the reactions to any jokes you tell.
- Pay attention to the mood of the event by listening to what the people around you are talking about.
- Lighter conversations with a little laughter are going to be better settings for telling jokes than serious conversations.
2
Pause briefly between the setup and the punchline. The key to getting a laugh when you tell a joke is to use comedic timing. That means adjusting how fast you talk and using a “pregnant pause” right before you deliver the punchline to build tension. This gives people a second to catch up, but not long enough to really think, ^{[5]
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Research source}
- Some people get excited and rattle off the punchline before the setup has a chance to sink in. Others pause, but wait a little too long, and the joke falls flat.
- Payne says you just have to relax , be confident , and believe in yourself and your sense of humor.
3
Keep practicing if people don’t laugh at first. Everyone bombs or tells a bad joke from time to time. Payne explains, “You just have to have fun, do your best, and know that you’ll probably fail the first few times.” The best way to practice is to tell more jokes. If people don’t laugh, try to figure out why and don’t take it personally.
- “You just have to develop a little bit of a tough skin, and know that somebody not laughing at your jokes isn't a personal attack on you or your personality,” Payne suggests.

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Warnings

Many jokes rely on stereotypes about seniors for their humor. This may be fine when someone pokes fun at themselves, but it can be hurtful if a younger person tells the same joke.

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65+ Hilarious Jokes about Getting Old

Top-Tier Old Age Jokes

Steps

Short Old-People Jokes

Funny One-Liner Jokes on Seniors

Rude Adult Jokes about Getting Old

Old-People Jokes about Marriage & Family

Old-People Jokes about Retirement

Old-Man & Old-Woman Jokes

Funny Quotes about Aging

Other Types of Jokes

Telling Old-People Jokes to Get a Laugh

Expert Q&A

Tips

Warnings

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References

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