How to Open Up to Your Parents

It’s likely that your parents want to help you and support you, especially if you’re struggling or going through something difficult. You might reach out to your parents for support, for advice, or for help. If you’re wondering how to open up, start by preparing a little beforehand. Be open by saying what you feel and communicating in ways that make you feel comfortable. Keep the focus on you and not on other people. Check in with your parents after you talk and continue to be open with them in the future.

Part 1
Part 1 of 4:

Preparing to Talk

  1. Especially if this is your first time having a heart-to-heart, you might feel scared, nervous, or not know where to begin. However, talking to your parents doesn’t have to be scary. You just have to know where to begin.. However, talking to your parents doesn’t have to be scary, just know where to begin. Think about why you want to open up to your parents and what the outcome might be. Is it as big of a deal as you think it is, or does it just feel scary?
    • Confront your fears and ask yourself, “What’s the worst that could realistically happen?” Discussions rarely turn out worse than you imagine, and you might be happily surprised by what happens.
    • One way to be honest and face your feelings is through journaling. Spend some time writing your thoughts and feelings about talking to your parents before you do it. [1]
  2. Identify what your purpose is and what you want to achieve with a conversation with your parents. When you are able to identify your purpose, you will be more effective at articulating your needs. For example, if you want to have a conversation with your parents because you are having trouble in school, then you could say, “Dad, I really need to talk to you. I have been having some concerns at school, and I would appreciate your guidance.” Usually you’ll want your parents to do one or more of the following:
    • Listen and validate what you're feeling and experiencing while offering advice and feedback.
    • Give you permission, or offer to help and support with something.
    • Provide you guidance when you may be in a bit of trouble, without negative harsh criticism of your errors that you may already be aware of and feel guilty about.
  3. If you have some big news to share that is a big deal, work up to it. Have some mini conversations about something that has happened to someone you know in school or in the news. Ask for their reactions and share your own. This can help you gauge how they might respond to you.
    • For example, you might ask a question to lead into a discussion about being gay. Say, “What did you think about that news story about that girl coming out as gay?” From there, it might be easier to traverse into talking about it or waiting for a different time.
  4. You may wish to set up a time to talk with your parents. [2] This can help everyone give their full attention without having to rush off to other obligations or appointments. If you have siblings, ask them to give you some space. You might consider talking after dinner but well before bedtime so that everyone is well-fed and not tired. [3]
    • Say, “Can we chat for a bit tonight?” or, “Maybe we can talk sometime tomorrow?”
    • Keep distractions away so everyone can focus on the conversation. Put cell phones away and keep the TV off.
    • You could also have the conversation while you're doing something fun with your parents, like going for a hike, watching a beautiful horizon, or spending time on the beach. [4]
    • Doing another activity helps you engage multiple senses, which may help you get a better perspective on whatever it is you'd like to talk about. [5]
  5. If you’re nervous or scared to talk to your parents, think about what you want to say ahead of time. Decide what you want to talk about and how you want to say it. You might write some things down or try different ways to bring things up. If you’re nervous about how your parents might react, try different approaches to see which one feels most comfortable or which your parents might respond to more gently.
    • For example, if you want to open up to your parents about a something they may disapprove of (like having a boyfriend or girlfriend), think about how they might take it, and plan to talk about it in a way that may be better received.
  6. Parents may have their own reactions and start to give advice or provide feedback before you’ve finished speaking. If you want to talk to your parents in an open way, ask them to really listen to you before you start a conversation. Say that it’s important to you and that you don’t want to be interrupted.
    • Say, “I want to be open with you, and for me to feel comfortable talking to you, I need you to listen. Please hear me out.”
    • If you do want advice, let them know you’d like to finish speaking first.
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Part 2
Part 2 of 4:

Communicating Openly

  1. It’s likely you’ll be sharing your feelings if you want to open up to your parents. Talking about feelings can feel uncomfortable at first, so know how you feel before you speak. Identify what you’re feeling (“I feel sad. I feel confused. I feel angry.”) If you feel angry, notice if there are any other feelings you might feel along with anger such as sadness, disappointment, or hurt. Take a moment to calm down before speaking from a place of anger. [6]
    • For example, if you’re opening up to your parents about a recent move, say, “I’m having a hard time with the move. It’s difficult to make new friends and I feel lonely. I miss my old friends and feel sad about all the changes.”
  2. If your body is closed off, chances are that your emotions will be closed off as well. Be open in your own posture by not crossing your arms or hunching your shoulders. Make frequent eye contact. Practice maintaining open postures to more easily open up to your parents. [7]
    • Point your hips toward your parents, keep your shoulders back, and don’t cross your arms or legs.
  3. If you’re often in the habit of responding with, “I don’t know” or, “whatever,” try to kick the habit. Often, what this communicates to others is, “I don’t care” or, “I don’t want to think about this.” If you’re tempted to respond this way, pause for a moment and see if you’re avoiding something uncomfortable. Try to answer questions with honesty.
    • For example, if you’re having a challenging day, say so instead of avoiding the question. Respond with, “I had a hard day, but I’m not ready to talk about it quite yet.”
  4. If sitting across the table from your parents makes you nervous or uncomfortable, find a way to talk differently. You may wish to go on a walk, write back and forth in a journal, or draw pictures. Whatever you do, don’t feel like you have to only communicate during serious discussions. Mix it up.
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Part 3
Part 3 of 4:

Managing Your Emotions

  1. You may wish to choose a time when you’re feeling neutral and not highly emotional. If you go into talking with your parents already feeling defensive, angry, or upset, it’s likely the feelings will escalate. Choose a time when you and your parents feel neutral. [8]
    • Remember that the more frequently you talk to your parents during your youth about difficult topics, the easier it will get. It may help if you set a daily time to talk to your parents about your everyday stuff. This builds a bond between you that can help you cope better when it comes to more serious conversations.
    • If things start to get heated, take a pause. You can return to the discussion later or in a few days to let everyone cool down.
  2. If you’re scared to open up to your parents or feel nervous or embarrassed about it, trust that you’ll get through it okay. If you’re having trouble getting the courage to talk, remember that your parents were once your age, too. They know you pretty well. Talking with your parents can help you feel relieved, find ways to cope, and problem-solve. [9]
    • If you don’t know how to start the conversation, say, “I want to talk to you, even though I feel nervous.“
    • Start talking and it will get easier from there.
    • Finding something trivial to chat with your parents about each day will help you cope during more difficult conversations that make you feel embarrassed.
  3. When opening up, keep the language you use focused on you, not on other people. For example, if you’re talking about an ended relationship, don’t talk about how awful the other person is, but talk instead about how they make you feel. Keep the focus on you.
    • Say, “I feel sad” or, “I am concerned about what’s next.”
  4. Don’t use times to talk as an opportunity to bring back grudges or mistakes. Keep the conversation focused on the here and now without diving into the past. Start fresh without dragging past problems up. [10]
    • if you notice yourself holding onto something you feel hurt about from the past, let it go and recognize now is not the time to discuss it. Save it for another conversation.
    • Ask your parents to do the same for you. If they start to bring up old things, say, “I want to focus on the here and now.”
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Part 4
Part 4 of 4:

Following Up

  1. As difficult as it may be to hear your parents out, don’t dismiss what they have to say. While you may not agree with everything they say, do give them the respect of listening to them when they’re speaking. Don’t interrupt them or become defensive. Hear what they have to say. [11]
    • Just like you want them to listen to you, give them the same courtesy back. The more everyone can engage in mature talks, the easier it will be for both you and them to open up.
    • Give some thought to what they say. While it may upset you now, you might find it helpful if you take some time to cool down.
  2. Your parents may be shocked or surprised by what you have to say. If they don’t know how to respond, give them some time. They may need to have a think, do some research, or call a friend. For example, if you tell your parents you’re feeling depressed, they may want to know more about the symptoms of depression or what they can do to help. [12]
    • Say, “I know you may feel shocked, but I want to check on you. Have you given any thought to what I said? Do you have any ideas on what to do next?”
  3. It’s rare that a discussion happens once and ends there. If you want to be open with your parents, keep opening up to them and let them know how you feel. Follow up with your conversations and start new ones. Being open with your parents means feeling safe to go to them with what’s on your mind. If they respond well to you initially opening up to them, continue to do so and know that they will be there for you.
    • Follow up on conversations you start, especially big ones. Say, “Can we keep talking about my depression?” or, “Can I come to you when I am facing hard decisions?”
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      References

      1. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2014/05/16/being-true-to-yourself/
      2. ↑ Mary Church, PhD. Research & Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 6 August 2021.
      3. ↑ https://www.girlshealth.gov/feelings/talk/
      4. ↑ Mary Church, PhD. Research & Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 6 August 2021.
      5. ↑ Mary Church, PhD. Research & Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 6 August 2021.
      6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/resolution-not-conflict/201305/how-express-feelings-and-how-not
      7. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships/nonverbal-communication.htm
      8. ↑ http://www.yourlifeyourvoice.org/Pages/tip-how-to-talk-to-parents.aspx
      9. ↑ http://kidshealth.org/en/kids/talk-parents.html
      1. ↑ http://teens.webmd.com/features/i-cant-talk-to-my-parents?page=2
      2. ↑ http://teens.webmd.com/girls-puberty-10/girls-talk-parents?page=2
      3. ↑ http://www.yourlifeyourvoice.org/Pages/tip-how-to-talk-to-parents.aspx

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