How to Overcome Fear of Intimacy

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Do you struggle with expressing your emotions and forming close bonds with people? There's nothing to be ashamed of. Fear of intimacy is more common than you think and there are things you can do to overcome it. We'll start by touching on some common causes and symptoms related to a fear of intimacy to help you understand where your fear may be coming from. Then, we'll share plenty of tips to help you face that fear and reclaim control so you can live your life to the fullest.

Section 1 of 3:

What causes fear of intimacy?

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  1. These experiences deeply affect children and oftentimes they’re traumatic in nature (although not always). Regardless of the level of trauma, the end result is the same: the victim’s ability to trust is damaged. Trust is crucial part of creating intimacy, which is why the victim ends up feeling afraid if they start getting close to someone. [1] Some of the most common causes include:
    • Physical, sexual, or psychological abuse in childhood
    • Rape or intimate partner violence/abuse
    • Past failed relationships
    • Negative attitudes inherited from parents
    • Fear of abandonment
    • Low self-esteem
    • Depression and/or anxiety disorder [2]
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Quiz

wikiHow Quiz: Do I Have Abandonment Issues?

Do you often feel afraid or insecure about the state of your relationships, worrying that you might be rejected by someone you care about? You’re not alone. Abandonment issues can be triggered by many things, including dysfunctional relationships, and the effects of having abandonment issues can range from mild to severe. Like many common fears and anxieties, abandonment issues can be overcome in time–and recognizing them is the first step. That’s why we created a comprehensive quiz to help you identify whether you may have abandonment issues.
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Does anyone in your life (a partner, family, or friend) make you doubt yourself?

Section 2 of 3:

Common Signs and Symptoms

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  1. Do you often find yourself shutting down or tuning out the world around you? The present moment always feels raw, real, and intimate, and these feelings may prompt you to shut down. If you catch yourself shutting down when you’re interacting with a partner or friend, gently remind yourself to really pay attention to what’s happening. Slow down and live in the moment. Look into their eyes, listen to their words, and feel their warm hand on your arm. [3]
    • Mindfulness is hard for everyone at first, so don’t get discouraged! Just keep at it and it will slowly but surely become second nature.
    • You can also try other mindfulness techniques like meditation and yoga.
  2. People who fear intimacy often dismiss or repress their emotional needs in order to protect themselves. It’s easier to shut down completely and tell ourselves we don’t need anyone, but in reality, we do. If you want to build intimacy, speak up when you need something. Admit to your loved ones that you’re struggling and be honest if you need help. [4]
    • For example, you might say, “Robert, I’m really struggling with something that happened at work today. I really need to talk about it with someone. Are you free?”
    • Try to remember that leaning on other people doesn’t make you weak.
  3. [5] People who struggle with a fear of intimacy often throw themselves into other things as a way to isolate themselves from intimate situations. If this sounds familiar, you can work on breaking this pattern. Prioritize the relationships in your life and challenge yourself to put relationships before work, school, and projects. For example:
    • If your mother invites you to lunch, don’t use work or school as an easy way to blow her off. Take a lunch break and go meet up with her.
    • If your boyfriend wants to come over but you’re tempted to tell him you’re busy, gently remind yourself that you’re just reading a novel. You aren’t really “busy.”
    • Try spending time with friends who are comfortable with emotional intimacy. They can model what real emotional intimacy looks like, and help you feel more safe and comfortable being vulnerable. [6]
    • Make it a point to answer phone calls from your family and friends instead of ignoring them.
  4. Do you often find yourself ignoring or glossing over your feelings? Emotions can be scary and uncomfortable, but a big part of overcoming a fear of intimacy is learning to verbalize your feelings. When you feel something, give it a name. Say what you’re feeling out loud. Define it. You may feel vulnerable at first, but doing this can actually help you regain a sense of control. [7]
    • For example, if your girlfriend hugs you and you feel yourself tense up, think about the feeling behind that instinct. Are you feeling vulnerable? Anxious? Agitated? Sit with the feeling for a moment.
    • Ignoring or repressing your feelings is a habit that you can break. Honest self-expression is the first step.
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Section 3 of 3:

Coping Strategies for Overcoming Fear of Intimacy

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  1. It's important to understand and face your fears head on. Reflecting on painful experiences is uncomfortable for everyone, especially those who’ve experienced trauma. It’s understandable if you’ve done your best to avoid thinking about those experiences up to this point. Facing fear can be scary, but it's the first step to overcoming it so we can fully live in the present. [8] You can do things like:
    • Explore your memories and past experiences in a private journal
    • Identify connections between past events and current tendencies
    • Tell a trusted friend or loved one about your experiences
    • Talk to a counselor or therapist
  2. Positive self-talk can help you stay calm during stressful times. [9] Fear tends to take control of our thoughts and dictate our inner-narrative, but we can actively change that. Make it a point to pay attention to your thoughts during the day. When you notice negative thoughts, try to immediately replace them with positive ones so you can reclaim control. [10] For example:
    • If you think, “No one will love the real me,” change that to, “I'm worthy of love.”
    • If you think, “This is too hard,” change that to, “I’m strong and I can do this.”
    • If you think, “I’ve never been able to relax in a relationship,” change that to, “This is an opportunity to challenge myself and grow.”
    • If you think, “This won't work,” change that to, “I can make this work.”
    • If you think, “I failed again,” change that to, “I’m going to give this another try.”
  3. Being vulnerable is hard, but help your partner understand what’s going on. Your first instinct is probably to push your partner away and repress your emotions. For people who fear intimacy, this is a common reaction. Remember: fear drives this instinct. You don’t have to say anything until you’re ready, but once you are, bring up your fears in a calm, low-pressure environment, like when you’re relaxing together at home. Try to explain what you're feeling and why. [11]
    • For example, you might say, "I put up emotional walls with you because that’s how I learned to deal with my parents’ neglect as a child. It’s a deeply ingrained habit and I know I need to face that.”
    • You could say, “I freeze up when you hug me because of childhood abuse. My dad would hug me after he beat me, which was very confusing. Whenever someone hugs me, my mind automatically goes back to those memories."
  4. Stick to a daily routine and remember to take care of your basic needs. Things that we do every day, like sleeping and eating, tend to get overlooked when we’re struggling. These daily habits can have a massive impact on our mental health, though. When you're working on improving your mental habits, it’s crucial that you care for your basic physical needs, too. [12] You can do things like:
    • Make a daily schedule or plan of action so you can tackle your goals
    • Eat healthy food every day
    • Get 7-9 hours of sleep each night
    • Try to be physically active for 30 minutes every day
  5. It's important to work through the underlying cause of your fear. Speaking to a therapist is beneficial for everyone experiencing intimacy-related issues, but it’s especially important if you experienced trauma in childhood. A licensed therapist can provide a safe space where you can explore your feelings, talk about your past, and learn coping strategies that you can use every day. [13]
  6. Healing takes time and you’ll get there. No one can overcome their fears overnight—it takes time to work through them, but you can do this. Take your healing journey one day at a time and focus on small wins. Be gentle with yourself! Your patience will pay off.
    • Give yourself one small goal to achieve every day. For example, “Today, I’m going to have one meaningful conversation,” or “Today I’m going to answer the phone instead of letting it go to voicemail.” [14]
    • Sometimes, it can feel like we aren't making progress fast enough. Don't give up on your healing journey! As long as you're facing your fears head on and making small changes, you’re succeeding.
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      Expert Interview

      Thanks for reading our article! If you’d like to learn more about intimacy, check out our in-depth interview with Donna Novak, Psy.D .

      References

      1. ↑ https://albertellis.org/2014/04/dealing-with-your-partners-fear-of-intimacy/
      2. ↑ https://www.rtor.org/2019/06/28/mental-health-and-intimacy/
      3. ↑ https://albertellis.org/2014/04/dealing-with-your-partners-fear-of-intimacy/
      4. ↑ https://albertellis.org/2014/04/dealing-with-your-partners-fear-of-intimacy/
      5. ↑ https://www.nctsn.org/what-is-child-trauma/about-child-trauma
      6. ↑ Josh Spurlock, MA, LPC, CST. Licensed Professional Counselor. Expert Interview. 13 January 2022.
      7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-freedom-change/201504/fear-intimacy-and-closeness-in-relationships
      8. ↑ https://www.psychalive.org/5-strategies-for-dealing-with-your-partners-fear-of-intimacy/
      9. ↑ Donna Novak, Psy.D. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 8 December 2020.
      1. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/positive-thinking/art-20043950
      2. ↑ https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/relationships-and-communication#improving-communication-in-a-relationship
      3. ↑ https://www.nami.org/Your-Journey/Family-Members-and-Caregivers/Taking-Care-of-Yourself
      4. ↑ https://www.rtor.org/2019/06/28/mental-health-and-intimacy/
      5. ↑ Donna Novak, Psy.D. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 8 December 2020.

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