How to Overcome Fear of Physical Intimacy

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Do you have a difficult time connecting physically or sexually with others? Fear of physical intimacy is a lot more common than you think, and there are lots of reasons why you might develop it. In this article, we'll walk you through the symptoms and causes, and we'll also explain how this fear may be impacting your life. Then, we'll cover diagnosis and treatment options so you can take steps to put this fear behind you once and for all.

This article is based on an interview with our relationship expert, Kelli Miller, licensed pyschotherapist and award-winning author. Check out the full interview here.

Section 1 of 6:

Overview

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  1. A fear of physical intimacy is usually associated with sexual relationships, but not always. [1] For example, you may feel anxiety or fear when a friend hugs or touches you platonically. [2]
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Section 2 of 6:

Symptoms

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  1. You'll experience these feelings when you're in physically intimate situations, but they usually bleed over into other aspects of your life, as well. Since there are many reasons why you might develop a fear of physical intimacy, the symptoms you experience may vary. The other most commonly reported symptoms include:
    • Neediness or paranoia in relationships
    • Low self-esteem
    • Discomfort if certain areas of your body are touched
    • Difficulty getting sexually aroused or low libido
    • Feeling unsafe in intimate situations
    • Inability to connect emotionally
    • Intense feelings of guilt and shame
Section 3 of 6:

Causes

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  1. Fear of abandonment is usually rooted in childhood experiences like loss, rejection, or trauma. These experiences can be dramatic for you, like the death of a loved one, neglect, or emotional abuse, but not always. They can also occur on a more subtle level, like in everyday interactions you had with your parents during childhood. [3]
    • Fear of abandonment can also develop after you experience a difficult relationship as an adult, but this is less common.
  2. Being sexually abused is deeply violating and traumatic, especially since it's often carried out by someone close to you. Because of the abuse, you grew up associating physical intimacy and sex with memories of violation, trauma, and abuse. [4] It can be scary to face these negative associations as an adult, but you're already taking the first step if you're here reading this article. [5]
  3. The impact of sexual violence leaves its mark on you long after your physical injuries heal. You have to navigate extreme feelings like fear, shame, loneliness, and a deep distrust of others. You may experience nightmares, flashbacks, PTSD, anxiety/panic attacks, and depression, all of which can cause sexual and intimacy problems. [6]
  4. [7] A phobia might develop because of specific incident or trauma, but it can also stem from a learned response you developed early in life, usually from a family member. You may also experience genophobia without being the victim of a past sexual trauma; there's evidence that genetic predisposition plays a role. [8]
  5. Mental health issues and other psychological factors can make it difficult for you to engage in intimate physical acts like sex and touching. Depression and anxiety are the most common culprits, but there's evidence that people with bipolar disorder may also struggle with a fear of intimacy. [9]
    • Unfortunately, the medications used to treat these disorders can cause secondary sexual problems like low libido, erectile dysfunction, and painful intercourse.
  6. People struggling with negative body image tend to feel shame about their bodies, so you may try to avoid situations (like sex) where someone could see you naked. Body dysmorphic disorder is similar, but people with BDD experience extreme anxiety over a specific physical defect. You might be imagining the defect completely, or the “defect” may be something extremely minor and hardly noticeable. [10]
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Section 4 of 6:

Impact

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  1. This can happen in your friendships, but it's more common in your romantic partnerships. You might withhold affection or put up walls so your partner can't get to know you on an emotional or physical level. [11] Other common effects are:
    • Social isolation
    • Serial dating
    • Sabotaging relationships early on
    • Health-risk behaviors like eating disorders and substance use [12]
Quiz

wikiHow Quiz: Do I Have Abandonment Issues?

Do you often feel afraid or insecure about the state of your relationships, worrying that you might be rejected by someone you care about? You’re not alone. Abandonment issues can be triggered by many things, including dysfunctional relationships, and the effects of having abandonment issues can range from mild to severe. Like many common fears and anxieties, abandonment issues can be overcome in time–and recognizing them is the first step. That’s why we created a comprehensive quiz to help you identify whether you may have abandonment issues.
1 of 12

Does anyone in your life (a partner, family, or friend) make you doubt yourself?

Section 5 of 6:

Diagnosis

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  1. Identifying and addressing the underlying cause is a crucial part of overcoming your fears. [13] In most cases, working through your trauma with a mental health professional in a safe space will be much more effective. Having the guidance of a professional may also accelerate the healing process and help you come to terms with your feelings.
    • If you're interested in seeing a qualified sex therapist, they can share ideas on how to introduce healthy sexuality into your life. [14]
    • If you’re married or in a committed relationship, a couple's counselor can help you work through physical intimacy issues together.
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Section 6 of 6:

Treatment

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  1. Since trauma is painful, it's completely normal if you've done your best to avoid thinking about it until now. It can be scary and uncomfortable to face traumatic incidents, but understanding and accepting what happened to you in the past enables you to live fully in the present. [15] You can do things like:
    • Explore and work through your memories in a private journal
    • Tell a trusted friend or loved one about what happened
    • Work with a counselor or therapist
  2. It's common to have a lot of negative thoughts swirling around in your head about physical intimacy. These thoughts have been there for a long time, so it’s easy to confuse them with facts. Pay attention to the negative thoughts that pass through your mind about sex/physical intimacy and try to immediately replace them with positive thoughts. [16] For example:
    • Instead of “Sex is power over someone” think “Sex is empowering.”
    • Replace “Sex is hurtful” with “Sex is nurturing and healing.”
    • Change “Sex is secretive” to “Sex is private.”
    • Replace “Sex is deceitful” with “Sex is honest and respectful.”
    • Change “Sex is unsafe” to “Sex is safe.”
    • Instead of “Sex is abuse” go with “Sex is positive sexual energy.”
    EXPERT TIP

    John Keegan

    Dating Coach
    John Keegan is a Dating Coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. With over 10 years of professional experience, he runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health.
    John Keegan
    Dating Coach

    Don't be ashamed of your fear. Self-doubt can hinder a genuine connection, making it harder to form a relationship. Remember, you are fully capable of attracting someone special to you. It'll happen with time.

  3. If you were talking to a friend and they told you about their fear of physical intimacy, you’d readily accept who they are and what they’ve been through, right? Try to show yourself the same care and compassion that you’d give your best friend. You deserve that level of kindness. [17] You can also do things like:
    • Try relaxation techniques like meditation and yoga
    • Avoid media triggers (graphic news stories, sexually explicit TV shows/movies)
    • Eat right, exercise, and get 7-9 hours of sleep every night
    • Avoid the temptation to self-medicate with alcohol or drugs [18]
  4. It’s understandable if you want to “push through” your fear so you can start enjoying physical intimacy, but that’s not a healthy way to deal with it. Fear of physical intimacy isn’t something you can defeat overnight, but you can and will defeat it with time. Focus on building your self-esteem, exploring your feelings, and prioritizing self-care. Healing will come. [19]
    • Sometimes, it might feel like you aren't making much progress on your healing journey. Please don't get discouraged! As long as you're facing your fears head on and doing your best to deal with them in a healthy way, you're making progress.
  5. It's important to explain what your fears are and why you have them so your partner fully understands what's going on. Try to talk about sexual intimacy outside the bedroom in a calm, low-pressure environment. For a successful conversation, express your feelings using "I" statements so your partner doesn't feel blamed. Then, discuss ideas for moving forward, setting boundaries, and so on. [20] [21]
    • For example, you might say, "I don't feel comfortable being touched there because of what happened to me when I was a child. Let's agree to stay away from that area for now, but we can slowly work toward that once I start feeling more comfortable."
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Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    How can I stop being so anxious about sex?
    Maria Avgitidis
    Matchmaker & Dating Expert
    Maria Avgitidis is the CEO & Matchmaker of Agape Match, a matchmaking service based out of New York City. For over a decade, she has successfully combined four generations of family matchmaking tradition with modern relationship psychology and search techniques to ensure her professional clientele are introduced to their ultimate match. Maria and Agape Match have been featured in The New York Times, The Financial Times, Fast Company, CNN, Esquire, Elle, Reuters, Vice, and Thrillist.
    Maria Avgitidis
    Matchmaker & Dating Expert
    Expert Answer
    Remind yourself that sex isn't always going to be perfect the first time you have it with someone! Sex is very exploratory since you're getting to know someone new.
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  • Question
    How do I help my partner with fear of intimacy?
    Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
    Psychotherapist
    Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. She is the author of “Love Hacks: Simple Solutions to Your Most Common Relationship Issues” which details the top 15 relationship issues and 3 quick solutions to each. She is also the award-winning and best-selling author of “Thriving with ADHD”. Kelli co-hosted an advice show on LA Talk Radio and was a relationship expert for The Examiner. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.
    Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
    Psychotherapist
    Expert Answer
    Give them the space to really communicate what they're feeling. There's a lot of different reasons someone might have a fear of physical intimacy, so it's important that you understand where your partner is coming from.
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      Tips

      • If your partner has a fear of physical intimacy, support them by talking openly with them about what's causing their fear. It's also important to be patient with your partner as they work through their feelings and past experiences. Be compassionate and try to put yourself in their shoes. If you're struggling, consider speaking to a therapist. Your feelings matter, too. [22]
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      References

      1. ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.
      2. ↑ https://www.rtor.org/2019/06/28/mental-health-and-intimacy/
      3. ↑ https://www.psychalive.org/fear-of-abandonment/
      4. ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.
      5. ↑ https://livingwell.org.au/relationships/partners-sexual-intimacy/
      6. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/ptsd-trauma/recovering-from-rape-and-sexual-trauma.htm
      7. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/anxiety/genophobia-fear-of-sex
      8. ↑ https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/conditions/phobias/overview/
      9. ↑ https://www.rtor.org/2019/06/28/mental-health-and-intimacy/
      1. ↑ https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/9888-body-dysmorphic-disorder
      2. ↑ https://www.rtor.org/2019/06/28/mental-health-and-intimacy/
      3. ↑ https://www.nctsn.org/what-is-child-trauma/about-child-trauma
      4. ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.
      5. ↑ https://livingwell.org.au/relationships/partners-sexual-intimacy/
      6. ↑ https://www.psychalive.org/5-strategies-for-dealing-with-your-partners-fear-of-intimacy/
      7. ↑ https://livingwell.org.au/relationships/partners-sexual-intimacy/
      8. ↑ https://www.psychalive.org/fear-of-abandonment/
      9. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/ptsd-trauma/recovering-from-rape-and-sexual-trauma.htm
      10. ↑ https://livingwell.org.au/relationships/partners-sexual-intimacy/
      11. ↑ https://www.psychalive.org/5-strategies-for-dealing-with-your-partners-fear-of-intimacy/
      12. ↑ Maria Avgitidis. Matchmaker & Dating Expert. Expert Interview. 20 December 2019.
      13. ↑ https://www.psychalive.org/5-strategies-for-dealing-with-your-partners-fear-of-intimacy/

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