Do You Think Other People Are Better Than You?

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Why you feel this way and what to do about it
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Oftentimes, thoughts like I feel like everyone is better than me and I’m not as good as everyone else are unlikely to be true (read: are almost never true). But that doesn’t make the feelings any less real! If you feel this way, you may struggle with a lack of self-esteem, and we're here to help. We’ve spoken to Marriage & Family Therapist Moshe Ratson and licensed clinical psychologist Kim Chronister for expert tips on overcoming the feeling that other people are better than you, building your confidence, and improving your life.

If you feel like others are better than you, you may be struggling with self-esteem. These feelings can arise because of childhood experiences, social expectations, and many other factors. Try making a list of your strengths, mute triggering people on social media, and set realistic goals to improve your life.

Section 1 of 3:

What to Do When You Think Others Are Better Than You

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    Comparison is a very common thing people do, but it’s unfortunately “one of the most maladaptive (meaning not helpful) things you can do in life,” says Chronister. To try to break the comparison habit, stop scrolling through social media and unfollow accounts that make you feel envious.
    • When you do see another person’s successes, celebrate them and feel joy for their victory (if anything, learn from how they’ve achieved their success!). Avoid criticizing others or looking down on them, especially when it comes from a place of jealousy.
    • Ratson emphasizes the importance of “focusing on the positive qualities you have, learning to appreciate them, and, if you want to compare, compare yourself to your past self…and appreciate how you have improved and appreciate your ability to continue to improve your character and quality of life.”
    • If you’re particularly struggling with body image comparisons, adds Chronister, try to “practice body gratitude and body kindness in general on a weekly or even daily basis, and highlight your strengths that have nothing to do with body shape and type.”
  2. 2
    Identify the root causes of your feelings and accept them. Take some time to reflect on why you feel like other people are better than you. Start with the list of questions below, and try journaling your unfiltered thoughts and responses. This process may take time, but once you understand the reasons behind your feelings, you’ll be able to accept your past for what it was and begin to move forward. [1]
    • What negative beliefs do you have about yourself?
    • When did you first start believing those negative things about yourself?
    • Who or what contributed to the formation of those negative beliefs?
    • When those negative thoughts pop into your head, whose voice do you hear them in?
    • What past experiences may have influenced your perception of yourself?
    • How do you feel about yourself when you’re around certain people or in certain situations?
    • What evidence do you have to support your negative beliefs about yourself?
    • What evidence do you have to contradict your negative beliefs about yourself?
    • Are you treating yourself the same way that you would treat a friend going through the same issues?
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  3. 3
    Reframe your negative thoughts and look for evidence to disprove them. Once you start thinking negative thoughts, it’s easy to convince yourself that they’re actually true. To start reframing your negative thoughts, stop every time you’re talking down to yourself. Consider what exactly you’re thinking about yourself, then try to find evidence to support those “claims.” If there’s no evidence, it’s not true. [2]
    • If you have to invent some far-fetched, illogical idea to make it true, then it’s still not true!
    • For example, you may have a coworker that you think is so much smarter than you. Ask yourself why you think she’s smarter than you.
    • Does she help you with all your projects? Does she pick up all of your slack at work? If these things aren’t true, then you’re perfectly capable of your job, and your negative claim will be proven untrue.
    • It’s also possible that your coworker is slightly smarter than you in certain ways—that’s okay, too! There are probably traits of yourself that she wishes she had, and there’s more than one way to be intelligent.
  4. 4
    Take steps toward loving and accepting yourself in spite of your flaws. Practicing self-acceptance can help you internalize the knowledge that you are uniquely you and uniquely beautiful. Nobody’s perfect, so even when you realize that you have flaws, that’s not the end of the world! Everyone has flaws, and embracing yours prevents you from being ruled by them.
    • Try making a list of all your perceived flaws in a journal. Next to each one, write what you think would happen if people knew you had this flaw. [3]
    • Then, write down whether this flaw is really worth disliking yourself over. You may ask yourself whether or not you’d start feeling negatively toward a friend if they had the same flaw.
    • Chances are that most (if not all) of your flaws are not as important as you think they are.
    • Remember that self-acceptance is a slow process. Ratson emphasizes the importance of small steps in recognizing “your qualities and values and showing appreciation for what you have…once you’re able to tap into your inner resources, slowly and gradually you’re able to develop that self-confidence.”
  5. 5
    Focus on your strengths and accomplishments. Discover what it is that you have to offer and bring to the table (believe us—you do offer something, even if you don’t feel like it right now). Write out responses to the questions below to identify your strengths , then give yourself a confidence boost by joining activities and hobbies that highlight your strengths. [4]
    • What are you naturally good at?
    • What have you accomplished in your life? Include smaller things (like getting out of bed when you don’t feel like it) and bigger things (like getting a trophy on your elementary sports team or a promotion at work).
    • What goals have you set and gone on to achieve?
    • How do you feel when you focus on your strengths?
  6. 6
    Practice gratitude. Focus your attention on the good things that you do have in your life. It may help to keep a gratitude journal and write down your daily blessings—these can be as simple as a sunny day or finishing a chore or as significant as a phone call with a supportive friend or a success at work. Turn to this journal when you’re feeling down on yourself, and take a moment to appreciate your life and how far you’ve come.
    • Ratson highlights the importance of accepting who you are and being “grateful for what you have. While you, like others, are not perfect, embrace the fact that you’re perfectly imperfect. If you always want what others have, you will lose your authentic self and will never have enough.”
  7. 7
    Set realistic goals and work toward them. While it’s important to focus on your strengths, it’s also good to work on your weaknesses—we all have them! Start by setting a SMART goal that’s specific, measurable, attainable, relevant, and time-bound. These types of goals are more realistic to achieve and have a higher chance of actually being met! [5]
    • While it’s great to think about long-term goals, start by breaking your goals down into smaller goals. This way, you’ll feel more accomplished in the short term and be able to build momentum toward larger goals.
    • If you want to run a 5k but have no running experience, for example, start with the goal of running half a mile. Once you’ve achieved that, try running a full mile. Continue progressing like this until you can run the entire distance of a 5k (5 kilometers or 3.1 miles).
  8. 8
    Surround yourself with a support system of kind and loving people. Negativity can feel contagious, so you’re more likely to feel down on yourself when you’re surrounded by negative people. Prioritize spending time with people who love you unconditionally, support you consistently, and whom you always feel safe around. Limit the time you spend around people who make you feel insecure or unworthy. [6]
    • Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable and open up to others about how you’re feeling. If your loved ones really care for you, they’ll do everything they can to make you feel better and reassure you that you have no reason to feel like others are better than you.
    • More often than not, your friends will boost your confidence and may even open up about their own struggles with self-esteem.
  9. 9
    Invest time in new hobbies and experiences. Changing your environment and daily routine—whether that means switching up your coffee spot or taking a solo trip—can boost your confidence and give you a chance to separate from the people and situations in your life that make you feel inferior. [7] As you spend time in new places or communities, be aware of when negative thinking patterns begin to creep back in and use the opportunity change your overall perspective . Here are some ideas of new activities you can do to start improving your confidence: [8]
    • Complete a DIY home improvement project
    • Set a monthly reading goal
    • Go mountain climbing
    • Bake or cook a new recipe
    • Sew your own clothes
    • Paint or sketch a picture
    • Build a robot
    • Train a pet to do new tricks and commands
    • Grow and preserve your own food
    • Learn to sail a boat
    • Go on a solo camping trip
  10. 10
    Improve your physical and mental health. Find ways to connect with your body and mind in a way that you genuinely enjoy. Try meditating , practicing mindfulness , or dedicating one day a week to disconnect from the world and spend time in nature. Maybe you prefer journaling, going for long walks, or taking a dance or yoga class! [9]
    • Whatever strategy you choose for improving your overall health, make sure it’s something that you enjoy doing, and that really makes you feel good about yourself.
  11. 11
    Seek professional help from a therapist or counselor. Many people need guidance from a mental health professional to improve their mental health and make the progress they want to achieve. Finding a therapist or a counselor can provide you with a safe, judgment-free space where you’ll learn tools to improve your self-esteem and lifestyle. [10]
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Section 2 of 3:

Reasons You Think That Others Are Better Than You

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    If you’re a frequent social media user, you probably know how easy it is to get sucked into the comparison game while scrolling through the apps. Apps like Instagram and TikTok serve up a constant stream of images of seemingly “perfect” people, bodies, relationships, and lives. [11]
    • This type of media can make you feel like your own life is terrible in comparison or even give you a sense of FOMO (fear of missing out) because other people’s lives seem more exciting and fulfilling.
    • If you continue to use social media, keep in mind that most people only post their highlights on social media—you’re not getting a well-rounded picture of your life.
    • Plus, it gets easier every day to edit and manipulate photos and videos on social media, so the photo you’re comparing yourself to may not even be real.
  2. 2
    Societal expectations If you grew up in a culture or society that expects certain things from you, you may feel like a failure if you don’t fit into that box. For example, maybe you don’t want to get married or have kids, maybe you’re part of the LGBTQIA+ community, or maybe you want to follow a non-traditional career path. [12]
    • Even though you’re just being true to yourself (which is amazing!), other people’s unrealistic expectations can make you feel poorly about yourself. [13]
  3. 3
    Relationship challenges If a romantic partner or friend has recently broken up with you, you may be feeling bad about yourself. That person’s rejection of you may bring out your deepest insecurities and feelings of not being good enough, especially if you feel like they left you for something better. [14]
    • In any case, remember that not everyone is meant to be in each other’s lives, and everyone has traits they must work on to maintain personal relationships.
  4. 4
    Physical appearance If you look different from the majority of people around you or are just generally self-conscious of your appearance, you may perceive yourself as less than. Because of society’s focus on looks, you may have been made to feel like your value is dependent on your physical appearance—which couldn’t be further from the truth. [15]
    • Nearly everyone has insecurities about the way they look, but this can be especially difficult if you’ve been treated differently on a systemic level based on your race, weight, or physical differences.
  5. 5
    Financial struggles If you grew up without a lot of money, you probably became used to the idea of ‘going without.” If you were a child, you couldn’t understand the root causes of poverty and financial disparity. So, you may have adopted the notion that you didn’t get things because you didn’t deserve them or because you weren’t enough. Even if you know now that that wasn’t true, it’s a difficult feeling to shake. [16]
    • In adulthood, this same issue can arise when it comes to friends who make more money than you. If you don’t make as much as your peers for any reason, it can negatively affect the way you view yourself and your level of success.
  6. 6
    Childhood experiences You may have developed self-esteem struggles if your childhood was traumatic or if you were belittled and unkindly compared to others. Instead of learning to be independent and self-sufficient as an adult, you may have been unfairly conditioned by parents, peers, and other crucial influences to not believe in yourself—when, in fact, this behavior probably said a lot more about the other person’s flaws than your own. [17]
  7. 7
    Inferiority complex Constant feelings of inadequacy in your daily life can indicate an inferiority complex, which is a psychological term referring to chronic insecurity (that’s often not based in reality). The type of inferiority complex that makes you have these feelings may be quite advanced and affect you deeply, causing you to feel inferior in all aspects of your life. [18]
    • Some signs of an inferiority complex include low self-esteem, nit-picking at compliments that others give to you, feeling devastated by any criticism, and constantly seeking out external validation.
    • While this inferiority is usually at least partially imagined, it can still affect your mental health in very real ways, potentially leading to severe anxiety, depression, and loneliness.
    • You may even feel envious of others and start withdrawing from social situations, which only continues the cycle of you feeling worse and worse about yourself.
    • If you feel like your feelings of inadequacy and inferiority are affecting your daily life and overall health, see a counselor or therapist who specializes in these issues.
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Section 3 of 3:

Are other people actually doing better than you?

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    That’s probably because there’s no one way to be better than others! While you may feel behind in life for societal reasons or have insecurities about your body or personality, the people you’re comparing yourself to probably feel similarly about different aspects of their own lives. If it helps, you can read through these statistics on how most people feel about their lives and how you compare to the average individual.
    • However, please remember that everyone is on their own timeline in life . While you can work on your personal growth and achieving your goals, you can never be behind in your own life!
    • The median age for marriage among American men is 29.8 years (and 27.8 for women), although the majority get married in their mid-to-late 30s. [19]
    • 33.5% of Americans aged 20 or older who’ve been married have had their first divorce . [20]
    • The average number of kids that a U.S. mother has given birth to by the age of 40-44 is 2.4., but that family size continues to shrink as more people choose child-free lifestyles. [21]
    • The average American male between 25-44 has had 6.1 sexual partners , while the average American female has had 4.2. [22]
    • The median annual income for 20-24 year-olds in the U.S. is $38k, and 45-54 year-olds have the highest median income at $64k. [23]
    • As of 2016, the average U.S. adult rated themselves as a 2.16 on a 1-3 scale of happiness , 1 being very happy and 3 being not too happy. [24]

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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/self-esteem/art-20045374
      2. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/self-esteem/art-20045374
      3. ↑ https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/self-help/tips-and-support/raise-low-self-esteem/
      4. ↑ https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/self-help/tips-and-support/raise-low-self-esteem/
      5. ↑ https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/self-esteem/tips-to-improve-your-self-esteem/
      6. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/self-esteem/art-20045374
      7. ↑ https://www.nature.com/articles/s41593-020-0636-4?utm_medium=affiliate&utm_source=commission_junction&utm_campaign=CONR_PF018_ECOM_GL_PBOK_ALWYS_DEEPLINK&utm_content=textlink&utm_term=PID100099105&CJEVENT=6dfdf3c228d611ef80a3009f0a82b838
      8. ↑ https://www.shondaland.com/live/a38024201/how-and-why-a-change-of-scenery-can-shift-your-outlook/
      9. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/self-esteem/art-20045374
      1. ↑ https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/self-esteem/tips-to-improve-your-self-esteem/#TryTalkingTherapy
      2. ↑ https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/self-esteem#causes
      3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/me-we/201312/10-sources-low-self-esteem
      4. ↑ https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/self-help/tips-and-support/raise-low-self-esteem/
      5. ↑ https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/self-esteem#causes
      6. ↑ https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/self-esteem#causes
      7. ↑ https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/self-esteem/about-self-esteem/
      8. ↑ https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/self-help/tips-and-support/raise-low-self-esteem/
      9. ↑ https://www.talkspace.com/blog/inferiority-complex-what-is/
      10. ↑ https://www.census.gov/data/tables/time-series/demo/families/marital.html
      11. ↑ https://www.census.gov/library/stories/2021/04/love-and-loss-among-older-adults.html
      12. ↑ https://www.pewsocialtrends.org/2015/05/07/family-size-among-mothers/
      13. ↑ https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/nsfg/key_statistics/n.htm
      14. ↑ https://www.forbes.com/advisor/business/average-salary-by-age/
      15. ↑ https://worldhappiness.report/ed/2019/the-sad-state-of-happiness-in-the-united-states-and-the-role-of-digital-media/

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