How to Stop Being Friends with Someone Respectfully and Politely

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Break up with a friend while protecting their feelings
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Ending a friendship can be just as tricky as ending a relationship. You don’t want to hurt them, but you definitely don’t want to keep seeing them. The key is making distance and staying polite and cordial. We talked to professional psychologists, therapists, and counselors to help you withdraw from the friendship, have that tough conversation, know what to expect, handle the fallout, and decide whether or not it’s actually worth ending the friendship.

Ending a Friendship Politely

Let the friendship fade naturally with distance. Stop interacting online, decline invitations, and don’t go out of your way to talk to them. Or, tell them directly that the friendship isn’t working. Thank them for being your friend, express how you feel, and wish them well. Avoid insulting or gossiping about them.

Section 1 of 6:

Withdrawing Gradually from the Friendship

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  1. It’s easy to drop off the radar just by pulling back on social media. That said, immediately unfollowing or unfriending will make it pretty clear to all your mutual friends that you are severing ties with your friend, possibly before they even know that’s what’s happening. Removing them from all your social media makes your private decision to end this friendship public, and ruin the subtlety of fading out of their life. [1]
    • Instead, mute their account to stop seeing their posts, which makes it easier not to interact with them.
    • If they ask you why you’re not interacting, say you’re trying to use social media less these days, so you don’t always see their posts.
    • Go ahead and unfollow or block them once you no longer see them in person.
  2. When your friend wants to make plans, tell them you’re really busy . Homework, family, religious obligations—these are all reasons you can give for being unable to hang out. School counselor Katie Styzek recommends finding new people to hang out with, but avoid hanging out in the same group as your old friend. [2]
    • Remember, don’t be mean or terse with them. You’re not trying to hurt their feelings here, so just keep it light and say things like, “I’m sorry, life is just running me ragged right now!”
    • If you’re uncomfortable pretending to be busy when your friend calls, then get busy. Join a club or activity that interests you but not your friend. You can meet new people this way and have legitimate reasons for being too busy to hang out.
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  3. Family therapist Jessica George says, “Be kind, but don’t stick around.” [3] If you used to tell them about every interaction with your crush, or confide in them about family problems, start to dial that back. Keep your conversations surface-level, sticking to things like school work. Avoid indulging personal details, and also avoid asking them for personal details. [4]
    • If they want to chat with you for hours about their partner, try to find a way to avoid the conversation, or keep it really short. Tell them you're busy and can't talk, or that you only have a few minutes to talk before you have to be somewhere else.
    • It’s cruel to ghost them altogether. If you happen to run into them, stay cordial and warm , but keep the interaction brief and even professional.
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Section 2 of 6:

Being Frank about Ending Things

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  1. If you’re trying to let go of an older or stronger bond, you owe it to your friend to have an honest conversation with them. Family therapist Jim S. Kim encourages having “a closure discussion…to express how [you] feel about the friendship before determining whether the relationship will end.” [5] Still, you may want to start the process by putting a little distance between you and them.
    • Keep in mind that if this person is a big part of your life, telling them straight-up that you want to end things could be messy. That doesn’t mean it’s not worth doing, though.
    • If the friendship seems to be on its way out anyway (like if neither one of you seems to be able to find time for each other), just let it fade out on its own. It’s not necessary to tell them you no longer want to be friends.
  2. This is going to be a hard conversation, so you may want to write out the reasons why you want to end the friendship , or even write a script. Because you’re trying to minimize hurt feelings, make sure your reasons are stated tactfully and that you’re not blaming them or being accusatory. [6]
    • Keep your reasons short, but strong, so that you can remember them in the moment and feel confident, even if it doesn’t feel great.
    • You may want to discuss what to say with another close friend, sibling, or parent. This is fine, and probably a good idea, just make sure it’s someone you trust to keep things quiet.
  3. Find a private place and a private moment, then tell your friend you need to talk. Then, speak your mind, but keep the focus on you, not them. Tell them how you feel, and why you don’t think the two of you are compatible as friends. [7] Be honest, but don’t make accusations or insults.
    • Try to be nice but stand firm. Don’t say, “Hey, you’ve turned into a jerk and our friendship is over.” Try something like, “Our friendship has become a really negative force in my life, and I think it’s best if we stop being friends .”
    • It’s best to do this in person, but if you can’t, consider writing a letter, instead.
    • Tell them what you appreciate about them to soften the blow, and reassure them that it’s not them, it’s just that you’re not compatible.
  4. 4
    Keep the focus on yourself, and soften the blow. Use “I” statements and focus the conversation on your own emotions. Church says to focus on gratitude—you might even thank them for your time together. [8] Tell them what you appreciate about them to soften the blow, and reassure them that it’s not them, it’s just that you’re not compatible.
    • Even so, they still may not react positively. Try to be understanding and accepting of their reaction.
    • For example, say, “I think we’re growing in opposite directions, and it’s time to cut each other loose.”
    • Or, “You’ve been a wonderful friend, but lately we’re just not helping each other grow.”
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Section 3 of 6:

What to Expect from a Friend Breakup

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  1. Your friend may have questions and grievances of their own. They may become defensive, yell, get angry, or cry. That’s okay—let them have those feelings (unless they become violent, in which case you should protect your own safety). George reassures us that “eventually time will heal it,” and down the line, you’ll both feel better that you had an opportunity to say what you needed to say, even if it’s difficult in the moment. [9]
    • Your friend may feel terrible about how they acted and want to try to save the friendship. If you are willing, you two might be able to talk it out.
    • If your friend tries to bait you into a fight, don’t do it. Don’t involve yourself in a big, dramatic scene. Even if they're calling you names, don’t retaliate.
    • Stay with them until they're okay, or leave if they want you to go. However they feel, respect it and own up to your own actions.
  2. 2
    Be ready to feel your own feelings, too. Even though you’re the one ending the friendship, you may face negative feelings, yourself. You friend might say something to hurt you, or you might feel guilty, even if you let them down easy. “It’s extremely hard to end friendships gracefully,” George says, and so you have to “be good to yourself.” [10]
    • Keep in mind that once you break things off, you may never be able to take it back. That’s why it’s important to be sure you want to do this.
    • Give yourself your own time to grieve. Losing anyone in any situation is tough, so be kind to yourself and do some self-care.
    • Dive into hobbies, make new friends, talk it out with family or a therapist.
    EXPERT TIP

    Jessica George, MA, CHt

    Certified Professional Master Life Coach
    Jessica George is a Marriage and Family Therapist, Certified Professional Master Life Coach, and Co-Founder of Evolve Therapy Coaching based in Glendale, California. With more than 20 years of experience, she specializes in hybrid therapy and coaching services, couples counseling, and clinical hypnotherapy. Jessica holds a Bachelor’s degree from The University of California, Santa Barbara and an MA in Counseling Psychology and Talk Therapy from Ryokan College. Jessica is trained in the Imago technique and the Gottman method for couples therapy. She also earned a Professional Life-Coach Certification from The Fowler Academy and an Infinite Possibilities Relationship Certification. She is a member of the International Board of Coaches and Practitioners (IBCP).
    Jessica George, MA, CHt
    Certified Professional Master Life Coach

    Don’t ruminate too much or speculate. Count your blessings and have gratitude for the love and friendships that you do have.

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Section 4 of 6:

Dealing with the Fallout

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  1. People may notice that you two aren’t friends anymore and ask you what went down. George says to “stay classy” and “be certain that you do not speak ill of them in your social settings.” [11] It’s okay to say something non-specific, like, “We just kind of drifted apart,” but don’t get into the details. Talking trash about your former friend is mean and immature, no matter what happened to cause the friendship to fall apart.
    • Most importantly, don't do the same to them . If you talk behind somebody's back, word will most definitely come out. If anything, it shows that you made the right decision.
  2. Styzek says that it’s important to “continue to remain polite and kind.” [12] Things might be awkward for a while, and your friend may be angry or hurt, but treat them with kindness and respect. Remember that this is someone who was once your friend—maybe even your best friend—so honor what you had.
    • When you see them, just give them a small smile or nod of acknowledgment and move along.
    • If they talk to you, turn it into a friendly conversation that won't lead into getting closer. Try to keep talks short until they catch on to your disinterest in the conversation.
  3. Ending one friendship may cause ripples if you’re part of the same group. Mutual friends may take sides, ask you to reconcile with them, or even get angry. Stay calm and give them your honest reasons, but don’t blame the ex-friend. Stay as neutral as you can. [13]
    • If mutual friends do take sides, try your best to accept it. Discourage them from joining “teams,” but understand if some friends decide not to keep in touch with you.
    • If your friend gets nasty, spreading rumors or gossiping about you on social media, try not to engage. There’s no point in dragging things out or defending yourself to someone you don’t even want to be friends with anymore.
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Section 5 of 6:

Assessing the Friendship

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  1. Ending a friendship can have a major impact on your life (and theirs), so don’t make a rash decision when you’re angry. Instead, take a quiet moment to sit down and list the reasons you are friends with this person, and then list the things that you don't like about the friendship anymore. This gives you some insight on whether or not the friendship can be saved, or if you should end things. [14]
    • Clearly defining the reasons you want to end the relationship will help you feel confident in your decision and communicate clearly with your friend.
    • This also helps you get closure and a sense that you did what was best for your wellbeing
  2. A simple misunderstanding may be the cause of the conflict; your friend might not even know that she’s done something to upset you. A simple break might be in order. Or, you might decide that you’re just not compatible, or that your friend is actively harming. George says to take a moment to think about the difference before you act. [15]
    • Are you considering ending the friendship because they forgot to attend an important event or because they said something rude about your significant other? Unless this is part of a larger pattern of behavior, letting them know they hurt you may be enough to fix your friendship.
    • If you feel bored by the friendship or dread spending time with them, it may mean your connection has faded, which is natural.
    • If you find you have little in common—you struggle to find things to do together or even things to talk about—then the friendship may have simply run its course.
    • Are they a compassionate, thoughtful friend who sometimes flakes out on your plans or is always late? Think about whether or not your issues are things you can address with them to save the friendship.
    • Is your friend socially anxious, shy, or inept? Do you perhaps see a pathway for being someone who can guide your friend through these troubles?
  3. George says to give the friendship a chance to repair itself. [16] If the good in your friendship outweighs the flaws, then try talking to them about the things that upset or hurt you. The problems may be easily fixable, and you may not need to end the friendship after all. Remember, no one is perfect, and there might be some ways in which you can learn to be a better friend, too.
    • In a private setting, let your friend know their behavior is endangering your friendship.
    • Tell them, “It really bothers me when you flirt with my significant other.” or “Hey, it’s really hard for me to hang out with you when you’re always really late. Can you make more of an effort to be on time?”
    • Ending a friendship without giving the person an opportunity to change can be very traumatic. If this person is a good friend, it’s probably worth addressing the problems before you decide to cut the cord.
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Section 6 of 6:

Reasons to End a Friendship

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  1. A toxic friendship is an unhealthy relationship in which you feel you are consistently being taken advantage of or hurt. [17] If your friend insults you, gets jealous of your other friendships or makes you feel bad about yourself after you interact, it might be time to end the friendship.
    • Do you only hear from them when they need something? Do they use you as a therapist but never return the favor, or ask you to do their homework assignments for them?
    • Do they only focus on the negative things in life? Consider whether or not this is situational—maybe they're just having a rough patch. But if it’s a pattern of behavior, they might be an unhealthy person to be around.
    • Are they extremely competitive? Do they tend to pick fights with you? Are they excessively clingy and too demanding? These are all signs of a toxic friendship.
    • Are they doing things that get you into trouble? If your friend is stealing, hurting people, or generally being bad news, and you seem to get dragged into it, then it's probably not your destiny to "fix" things here. Look after your needs first in this instance.
    • Think about how you feel after you spend time with them. If, more often than not, you end up feeling bad about yourself, it’s probably not a healthy relationship.
  2. 2
    You’ve drifted apart or gotten some distance. Church says that, “some friendships, just like some romances, are not meant to last forever.” [18] Maybe you and your friend just don’t talk much, and so keeping up feels like a chore. Or maybe the vibes are naturally fading, and it’s time to cut the cord altogether. In either case, it’s a natural and common situation.
    • In this case, you might not have to do anything, and the friendship might just fade on its own.
  3. 3
    You have opposing values, or you’re just not compatible. People change, and sometimes you might find that you and your friend have changed in a way that makes getting along difficult. You hold different values, or aren’t interested in the same things anymore. [19] It’s nobody’s fault, but it can make spending time together tedious or even hurtful, and it might be time to call it quits.
    • You might disagree with each others’ lifestyles, spiritual beliefs, or even other friends or romantic partners.
    • In this situation, it’s important to stay respectful and mature. That said, you may need to part ways if your friend is disrespectful about your own life.
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Letter and Examples to Politely End a Friendship

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  • Question
    My friends in a group never treat me as a friend, but if I go away, they start gossiping about me and taunting me. What should I do?
    Community Answer
    Stick up for yourself. Then leave them be. Ignore what they have to say, and just find the people in your life that accept you for who you are, and stick with them.
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    Not Helpful 53 Helpful 553
  • Question
    My best friend has hit me and invited herself over without asking my permission. How should I tell her that I want to end our friendship?
    Community Answer
    Tell your friend you aren't comfortable with how she's behaved toward you (be specific with what's she done), and that you don't feel these are the actions of a best friend.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
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  • Question
    How can I do this if my friend is mean?
    Community Answer
    If your friend is mean, then they're not a true friend. Simply tell this "friend" that you can't be friends with them anymore. Remember, your own happiness is also important; if someone is being mean to you, then you are under no obligation to be their friend.
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      Tips

      • If they're being cruel, mean, or hurtful to you, consult someone with authority, like a school counselor, a boss, or a mutual friend to help explore your options.
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      • They are still people just like you, and when you see them at school, work, or any other place, you should still be polite. If you feel uncomfortable talking to them, only give short and reserved answers. But if you can, ask them how they are doing, everybody likes to know someone cares, even if it is awkward.
      • Calm yourself down before deciding if you want to be friends or not. When you're angry, you're more likely to decide that you don't want to be friends.
      • After ending a friendship, don't try to interfere with their new relationships. That's not your place.
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      References

      1. ↑ http://www.smh.com.au/lifestyle/life/when-friendships-fade-20130527-2n720.html#ixzz3lAcK11qA
      2. ↑ Katie Styzek. School Counselor. Expert Interview. 28 October 2020.
      3. ↑ Jessica George, MA, CHt. Certified Professional Master Life Coach. Expert Interview. 11 February, 2022.
      4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/happiness-in-world/201308/how-end-friendship
      5. ↑ Jin S. Kim, MA. Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 14 May 2019.
      6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-friendship-doctor/201209/how-end-relationship-needy-friend
      7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-friendship-doctor/201209/how-end-relationship-needy-friend
      8. ↑ Mary Church, PhD. Research & Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 6 August 2021.
      9. ↑ Jessica George, MA, CHt. Certified Professional Master Life Coach. Expert Interview. 11 February, 2022.
      1. ↑ Jessica George, MA, CHt. Certified Professional Master Life Coach. Expert Interview. 11 February, 2022.
      2. ↑ Jessica George, MA, CHt. Certified Professional Master Life Coach. Expert Interview. 11 February, 2022.
      3. ↑ Katie Styzek. School Counselor. Expert Interview. 28 October 2020.
      4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-friendship-doctor/201112/breaking-up-with-a-friend-always-hurts-especially-at-the-office
      5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-friendship-doctor/201209/how-end-relationship-needy-friend
      6. ↑ Jessica George, MA, CHt. Certified Professional Master Life Coach. Expert Interview. 11 February, 2022.
      7. ↑ Jessica George, MA, CHt. Certified Professional Master Life Coach. Expert Interview. 11 February, 2022.
      8. ↑ https://mhanational.org/eliminating-toxic-influences
      9. ↑ Mary Church, PhD. Research & Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 6 August 2021.
      10. ↑ https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2023/oct/20/how-can-i-end-a-strained-friendship-as-gently-as-possible

      About This Article

      Article Summary X

      To end a friendship politely, try making yourself unavailable whenever they want to hang out by coming up with an excuse, such as having a family obligation. When you do meet up, keep your conversations short and focus on superficial things like schoolwork instead of talking about your feelings. However, if you decide you want to end a friendship immediately, meet your friend face-to-face and explain to them why you no longer want to be friends. Say something direct but fair, like "Our friendship is a negative force in my life, and I think we should stop being friends." For tips on how to decide when to end a friendship and how to deal with the subsequent fallout, read on!

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