How to Practice Nonviolent Communication

Nonviolent Communication is an idealized style of communication, and it will not work in every single situation. Here is how to do it well, and recognize when a more direct, assertive communication style is necessary.

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   Make sure a person is open to nonviolent communication. NVC uses a type of emotional intimacy that not all people are comfortable with all the time, and they have the right to set boundaries. If someone is not open to expressing their feelings, do not push or manipulate them into doing so.

   • Do not start psychoanalyzing someone without their consent. ^[3]
   • If at any time someone no longer wants to talk about their feelings, they have the right to do so and can leave the conversation.
   • People with intellectual and developmental disabilities, especially when stressed, may have trouble speaking in and interpreting NVC style. If this is the case, use clear and direct communication.
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   Recognize that no one is responsible for someone else's feelings. You are not required to change your actions just because someone else doesn't like them. If someone is asking you to bend over backwards or ignore your own wants and needs, you are allowed to say no.

   • You shouldn't have to sacrifice yourself and your needs for another person. ^[4]
   • If someone is behaving aggressively, you can ask yourself what they need. However, this can be emotionally draining work, and it is okay to walk away and say "their negativity is not my problem."
   • People are not obligated to cater to your feelings. If someone says no to your request, avoid getting angry or guilt-tripping them.
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   Be aware that nonviolent communication can be abused. People may use NVC to hurt others, and it is important to be able to recognize when this happens. Sometimes you don't need to meet someone's "needs." It's important to remember that tone is less important than what the person has to say, and some feelings should not be shared.

   • Abusers can use NVC to control others. For example, "I feel disrespected when you don't check in with me every 15 minutes."
   • Criticism of tone can be used to derail a conversation about someone's needs (e.g. "I feel hurt when you say you're upset with me" or "I feel attacked when you use that tone"). People have a right to be heard, even if they can't say things in a way that will please everyone.
   • No one should be forced to listen to deeply negative feelings about them. For example, it is not appropriate for a parent to tell their autistic child how horrible it is to put up with them, or for someone to tell a Muslim that they feel all Muslims should be deported. Some ways of expressing feelings can be abusive.
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   Recognize that some people may not care about your feelings. Saying "I feel humiliated when you make fun of me in front of my peers" isn't going to do anything if the other person doesn't care how you feel. Nonviolent communication can work wonders when people are accidentally hurting each other, but not when it is done on purpose, or when one party doesn't care whether they are hurting someone or not. In these cases, it's better to be clear by saying "stop it," "leave me alone," or "that hurts."

   • Sometimes, if someone is upset with you, it isn't because you are doing something wrong. If one person is attacking another, both sides are not equally valid.
   • Placing value judgments like "she is being mean" or "this is unfair and not my fault" is sometimes necessary, especially for abuse victims, oppressed people, bullying victims, and other people who need to protect themselves from others.
   

   Practicing NVC shows I care about myself and others. "I'm having trouble communicating openly and honestly with some family members. They use false facts and editorialize when they talk. Conversations become insulting, manipulative, or both. Non-violent communication won't force my family to be more receptive to caring and honest communication, but it will set boundaries and show that I care about them and myself." - Jack V.

   Template phrases make communication easier. "This is a brilliant overview and clear explanation of what NVC is and how to actually use it. Having the template phrases makes trying out this way of communicating much easier than just understanding the principles." - Naomi M.

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   Decide upon the solution together, if possible. When you do something together, you want it to be because you both voluntarily consent to it, as a way of fulfilling your own genuine needs and desires, not out of guilt or pressure. Sometimes you can find an action that meets both your needs, and sometimes you just have to amiably go your separate ways.

   • If you're not ready to ask in this spirit, maybe you need more time, or more empathy. Or perhaps your instincts are telling you that this person does not care about your feelings. Reflect on what is stopping you.
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   Listen closely to what the other person says. Don't assume that you know how they feel or what is best for them. Instead, let them express their thoughts and feelings. Validate their feelings , slow down to ensure they feel heard, and make it clear that you care.

   • If you spend too much time labeling their needs, they might feel like you are trying to play therapist instead of actually hearing what they have to say. Put the focus on what they are telling you, not on what you have decided they "actually" mean.
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   Take a break if one or both parties are too stressed to handle the conversation. If you're getting too upset to speak thoughtfully and clearly, the other person is unwilling to talk openly, or either one of you wants to end the conversation, stop. You can have it at a better time, when both parties are willing and able.

   • If conversations consistently end badly with someone, take a close look at the situation, because there may be a deeper problem.
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