Q&A for How to Defuse an Argument

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  • Question
    How can I avoid getting the cold shoulder?
    Paul Chernyak, LPC
    Licensed Professional Counselor
    Paul Chernyak is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Chicago. He graduated from the American School of Professional Psychology in 2011.
    Licensed Professional Counselor
    Expert Answer
    Try to engage with the person indirectly at first to open up the lines of communication. Consider writing a letter or email stating the problem and asking them their opinion on the issue.
  • Question
    I don't want people to know that I'm angry at them or somebody else. What should I do to make them leave me alone?
    Paul Chernyak, LPC
    Licensed Professional Counselor
    Paul Chernyak is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Chicago. He graduated from the American School of Professional Psychology in 2011.
    Licensed Professional Counselor
    Expert Answer
    If you are angry, then tell them what makes you angry from your point of view. Don't blame them for your anger, but do suggest ideas to resolve the conflict. If you are being bullied, then it would be helpful to try to ignore the bully if possible and show that you are not emotionally affected by it.
  • Question
    My friend does not listen to me when I do this, so I am going to write her a letter. How do I do this without hurting her feelings?
    Community Answer
    Keep it polite and tell them exactly how you feel, because they need to know the truth -- whether they like it or not. Don't lie about what you are feeling; doing so will just create more problems down the road. If you still want to be friends with them, make sure you tell them that.
  • Question
    How do you stop an argument between two other people?
    Community Answer
    Say something like "Okay, guys, this isn't going anywhere. Let's actually figure this out." Promote active listening and make sure that both of them are allowed to voice their opinion. Don't take sides.
  • Question
    How do you deal with a narcissist?
    Community Answer
    You should remember that it is a personality disorder. There will be a lot of untrue stories of grandeur to make the person appear better than they are in reality.
  • Question
    What if my friend won't talk to me?
    Community Answer
    Refresh his or her memory with a kind word disclosing your affection for him or her in a way that shows you're letting whatever the situation was go. Give them time and space.
  • Question
    What if the other person is always fighting with me?
    Community Answer
    Ignore them. They do this because they want to get you upset. If you remain calm and don't argue back, you'll have the upper hand. Keep in mind that a person who always argues with you and makes you feel bad probably isn't the best type of person to surround yourself with, so it would be best to avoid this person if possible.
  • Question
    How do I stop other peoples' arguments?
    Community Answer
    You can try being a mediator by facilitating the conversation. For example, you can ask both sides to tell their opinions while the other listens.
  • Question
    How do I get my parents to listen to what I am saying in an argument?
    Community Answer
    Act like an adult. That is, listen to them regularly if it isn't a big deal and tell them your opinion when you think something is wrong. Tell them that you "understand" what they are saying and agree. Then, when they are done talking, explain your feelings in a non-confrontational way. This may cause them to listen more to what you're saying.
  • Question
    What do I do if someone uses hateful language during an argument?
    Community Answer
    Ask them politely to stop. Tell them that their language is inappropriate/hateful. If they don't stop, walk away, and/or report the situation to an authority figure.
  • Question
    What should be done if one man is rude to another and is not welcome near his home again?
    Community Answer
    The best thing to do is stay away from his home for a while. He is probably pretty angry, and it's best to give him some space before trying to re-approach him.
  • Question
    How do I resolve a stalemate and re-start communications if it has been ages since I have had a heart to heart talk with my teens?
    Community Answer
    Remind yourself that they're people. Sometimes dumb, hormone-filled, cavalier people, but precious people in God's eyes all the same. Just start with, "Hey, can we talk?" And be honest. Speak to them like you would a peer, and they'll respect you. Everything they do is based on tone and body language. Be open, straightforward, and speak as equals.
  • Question
    What one sentence can I use to avoid an argument?
    Community Answer
    You're right; I'm sorry. Works every time.
  • Question
    What should I do if someone considers me trying to calmly explain my side as a hostile argument? How do I prevent them from arguing and help them see that calm arguments are a thing?
    Tom De Backer
    Top Answerer
    Live to fight another day. If the other person won't calm down, end the conversation and the proximity. If you say one thing and I have a really good argument against it, I have a choice: I can either present my argument, or get angry. How many people get angry if they still have a good argument? Exactly zero. Conclusion: whoever gets angry first concedes the debate. Just leave; the debate is over and there is nothing left to be learned here.
  • Question
    How can I make my contractor deliver what he signed for?
    Community Answer
    If he has signed for something, there is a legal contract in place. Make sure you tell the contractor that if the work is not carried out accordingly, you will get your lawyer involved. Do not hesitate to follow through if he does not fulfill his contract.
  • Question
    What if the other person gets loud and angry instantly, always personally insults me and keeps arguing even after I've stopped?
    Community Answer
    Tell them you're done with the argument and you're done talking to them.
  • Question
    How can I avoid arguing with my parents?
    Celeste
    Community Answer
    If there are issues between you and your parents, attempt to resolve them in a levelheaded way. Use a calm voice and mindfulness to help you. If you feel anger or any other negative emotions, observe them, count to three, and let them go. Be sure to do this before things get out of control. And if your parents begin to argue, stop, use mindfulness, and respond calmly. Only you can decide how you'll deal with the situation; if you yell back at them, it will only add fuel to the fire.
  • Question
    What if the other person blames me for the fight?
    Community Answer
    Explain in a calm and quiet manner why it is not your fault. Remember to try to understand why the person is feeling the way they're feeling about the situation. It is important to find common ground so fights are not continued.
  • Question
    How do I deal with someone who is angry over me critiquing their work?
    Community Answer
    Think back over what you said and make sure it wasn't rude or offensive. It was, apologize. If it wasn't, calmly approach them and explain why you said what you said, that you were just trying to help them and offer them advice, etc.. Try to throw in a compliment or two if you can, this way they'll be less likely to get offended again.
  • Question
    What if I talk with someone who's not willing to listen to reason?
    Tom De Backer
    Top Answerer
    You stop talking. A debate is meant to be learned from, not to simply convince everyone else that you're right. If someone starts a conversation with simply that in mind, there is no point in talking at all, even if the other person is right and you're wrong and they have good arguments to convince you. People must at all times stay convinced that they could be wrong, and stay open to be proven wrong. So even if you're wrong, but you have a few good arguments, the other person must listen to you and actually consider them. In general, people who are not willing to listen to reason cannot be reasoned with; they are a waste of breath.
  • Question
    How do I ask for forgiveness without degrading myself?
    Community Answer
    See How to Ask for Forgiveness . There is no degrading yourself involved unless you are being hateful/insulting to yourself or are unable to accept the person's response and keep begging them.
  • Question
    How do I stop an argument with parents?
    Your_local_enby
    Community Answer
    You can use I statements and politely but honestly tell your parents how you feel. Avoid the blame game so instead of saying 'all my friends get to do _______ you're so strict and mean' you could say 'I feel left out when all my friends do ________. Please could you consider it?' Use NVC (nonviolent communication) techniques and you'll sound and be mature.
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