Q&A for How to Sit Shiva

Appropriate food items found within a shiva basket include baked goods and desserts, fruit, dried fruit, & nuts, and assorted chocolates.

The time to visit is entirely up to the mourners of the home. There may or may not be allotted times to make a shiva call, so best to call someone who knows. It is important for some that you do not knock on the door or ring the doorbell. Approaching the mourner may not be encouraged in some families, but in others it is, but it is very important that you don't say 'good morning/afternoon' to them and allow them to start the conversation, as they may not be in the mood to talk.

Yes. Just check to make sure the family hasn't requested that something in particular be done in lieu of flowers. It is a relatively common practice to ask that instead of flowers, you make a donation to a charity that mattered to the deceased.

As long as you (and they) are comfortable. They'd probably like the company. Shiva is a really hard time, and it's better to not be alone.

Different families make different choices about where, when, and how long they want to sit shiva. Traditionally shiva lasts for seven days, starting immediately after the funeral, but some people choose to observe fewer days of shiva. Find out how long the family will be sitting shiva, and if they have designated hours for visitation. Some shiva houses are open for shiva calls all day, others only for a few hours in the morning and/or evening. Check ahead of time to make sure you don’t show up at a time when the family was hoping to grieve privately. This information is often available from the funeral home or the synagogue that the family belongs to. If all else fails, call the house.

No, flowers are a symbol of joy, not of mourning.

Yes! You can, but it depends on how you feel and your personality. If walking out makes you feel better or overcome grief, then it wouldn't be a problem. If you are concerned with what others will say, then you better ask for the elders' opinions. Or if you are in a such a condition that you are too afraid to ask, then it means you are in a more dense and serious environment, which means it's better to be inside the home. If you have an urgent matter to do, it's better you do not laugh or smile and play around.

Generally as soon as possible. Exceptions can be made, but most often a Jewish funeral will occur with 1-3 days of the death.

Yes and no. Only Jews call it Shiva, that being the Hebrew term. But other religions have similar mourning practices.

The same that you would wear to any similar function. Wear dark colors and appropriate cuts, to be vastly unspecific. The big thing to bear in mind is that it is a time of mourning, not a fashion show, so just try to be supportive.

Sitting on a low stool or chair is a sign of mourning. Many synagogues have special chairs that they will lend out for this purpose. In some more populated cities, there are organizations that provide these stools as well as other things that may be needed (i.e. prayer books, extra chairs).

Follow the instructions listed in the article above.

No. However, you cannot display public signs of mourning. For example, you can leave the house to pray in the synagogue. You do not, however, bless your children on Friday night, you may only study the things mourners are allowed to study, you do not engage in marital relations, etc.

You must ask your friend, or if she is incapacitated, ask another close family member, like a brother or sister. Children who are capable of observing Shiva are permitted to, but if you have questions in your mind as to whether your children can observe the solemnity required for the occasion, don't bring them.

Yes. It's a time of great sadness. Orthodox Jews don't just cover mirrors, take off their shoes, and sit low to the ground. They also read prayers for the deceased.

7 days, starting immediately after the deceased is buried.

Announcements don't take place until AFTER the Sabbath, which is on Saturday night at sundown.

Shiva is not a celebration. It is a time of mourning and grief. You should not wrap the box of candy as though it is a gift. When someone dies, do you give them family a birthday present? The same goes for shiva. Respect the family in their time of grief and do not wrap the candy.

During shiva, you must stay at home unless you are going to synagogue. The only exception for leaving your house is for the synagogue.

No. According to Chabad "A defector from the faith, who denounces Judaism openly, and adopts another religion without compulsion, is not to be permitted burial in a Jewish cemetery and is not to be mourned at all. For all intents and purposes, his defection is accepted as de facto severance from the faith-community and he is, therefore, not honored by the faithful."

It depends on the background of the family. If the women in the family exclusively wear skirts, then you can take that to be expressive of what they view as modest dress, and it would be most appropriate to follow that norm.

The following Saturday. Siva is observed seven days, starting with day of burial.

Fruit, meats, baked goods that do not contain yeast or bread products. Be careful of grains that might ferment during Passover.

Yes, be mindful of what times the house will be mourning. Call ahead to see what times would be appropriate and to ask about what foods are appropriate.

Flowers are symbol of joy, not mourning. It is customary to leave a small rock on the gravestone.

Yes. This is to remind mourners that shiva is not about themselves, but the deceased.

A person who is sitting Shiva has some requirements of clothing. A person who is visiting someone who is sitting Shiva should come dressed in regular clothing. It is preferable to dress in a modest manner.

Yes, it is customary to bring food to a Shiva house, as long as the food is known to be Kosher.