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If you have had encounters with a narcissist, then you may be concerned about avoiding another one. You might also have heard about how abusers who are narcissistic can be controlling, emotionally draining, and unpleasant to be around. [1]
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Expert Source
Allison Broennimann, PhD
Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 24 February 2022.
To repel a narcissist, it is important to work on accepting yourself for who you are and to become more confident. People who are narcissistic tend to prefer people who have low self-esteem and low self-confidence because these people are easier to control. You also might benefit from learning about some of the behaviors associated with narcissistic personality disorder so that you can watch for these behaviors in the people you encounter.
Steps
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Make a list of your strengths. Narcissists are drawn to people who are less aware of their own abilities and who do not accept themselves the way that they are. To work on self-acceptance , it can be helpful to identify your strengths. You can read over the list on a daily basis to help affirm yourself and work towards accepting yourself for who you are. [2] X Expert Source Allison Broennimann, PhD
Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 24 February 2022. Try making a list that includes all of your strengths, minor and major. [3] X Research source- For example, you might include personality traits on this list, such as kindness, open-mindedness, and intelligence. You might also include skills, such as being able to type 80 words per minute, having good problem solving skills, or speaking another language.
- Your strengths might also include accomplishments, such as having a high school diploma, earning a raise at work, or winning an award from your school for community service. List any and everything that is a strength of yours.
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Acknowledge your needs and emotions. People with low self-esteem may ignore their needs and emotions in favor of other people’s needs and emotions, which can be an attractive quality to a narcissist. If you often find that you put other people’s needs and feelings ahead of your own, then someone who is narcissistic may notice this and use it to his or her advantage. To prevent this, work on being more accepting of your needs and emotions. [4] X Research source
- When you have an emotion, do not ignore it. Instead, take a moment to acknowledge it, such as by asking yourself, “What am I feeling?” For example, if someone has said something insulting to you, then you might be feeling hurt or angry.
- After you have identified your emotion, figure out what you think you need to do about it. You can do this by asking yourself, “What do I need?” If you are feeling hurt or angry because of something someone said to you, then you might need to get away from the person for a while or confront the person for insulting you.
- Practice identifying your feelings and needs every time you experience an emotion. With repetition, acknowledging your emotions and acting on them in a constructive way should become easier.
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Set realistic goals for yourself . Setting unrealistic goals can lead to disappointment, which can chip away at your self-esteem. This can make you vulnerable to someone who is narcissistic. To avoid damaging your self-esteem, try to set small reasonable goals for yourself. [5] X Research source A great way to be reasonable with goal setting is to set SMART goals. SMART stands for:
- Specific. The goal should be clear. What exactly do you want to accomplish? Who else is involved in the goal? How are you going to do it?
- Measurable. You should be able to measure your goal, such as with numbers.
- Attainable. The goal should be something that you can realistically accomplish in the time frame you have given yourself.
- Relevant. The goal should pertain to a larger objective. For example, if your larger goal is to lose 20 pounds, then a relevant sub-goal of that would be to exercise for 30 minutes five days every week.
- Time-based. There should be a specific time frame for completing the goal. You might set a date or a number of days to accomplish your goal.
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Forgive yourself when you make a mistake. Everyone messes up sometimes, but refusing to forgive yourself can be detrimental to your self-esteem and this may make you seem more attractive to a narcissist. To avoid this, try to treat yourself as you would a good friend and forgive yourself if you make a mistake. Don’t beat yourself up when something goes wrong. [6] X Research source
- To forgive yourself, you could try writing a letter to yourself as a compassionate friend. What might a friend say to make you feel better? How might he or she talk to you?
- You might also speak to yourself in the mirror to offer forgiveness. Try telling yourself something like, “What happened is upsetting, and you are entitled to feel upset about it, but I want to move forward. I forgive you for what happened.”
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Pretend that you accept yourself until you do. It takes time to develop self-esteem and to learn how to love yourself. However, you can fake self-esteem until it actually develops. Seeming like you have high self-esteem may be enough to repel people who are narcissistic. Try faking high self-esteem until you actually start to feel good about yourself. [7] X Research source
- To fake high self-esteem, try imagining someone who seems like he or she loves and accepts his or herself. How might that person behave in your situation? What might that person do or say? Try acting like this self-esteem role model until you start to really feel accepting towards yourself.
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Learn relaxation techniques . Getting upset easily and not being able to soothe yourself are also traits that narcissistic people may look for in in other people. These traits indicate that you are easier to control because you rely more on other people to regulate your emotions. Therefore, it is important to work on your ability to calm yourself when you are feeling upset. One way that you can do this is by learning relaxation techniques. [8] X Research source
- Some good strategies to use include deep breathing , yoga, and meditation .
- Try using a relaxation technique to calm yourself whenever you start to feel like you are losing control of your emotions.
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Separate other people’s feelings from your own. People who are codependent tend to seek approval from the people around them. This need for approval can cause them to internalize other people’s feelings. As a result, they may feel compelled to do things to make other people feel better. [9] X Expert Source Jay Reid, LPCC
Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor Expert Interview. 7 Aug 2020. This is something that appeals to people who are narcissistic, so it is important to avoid this behavior. [10] X Research source- The next time you are with someone who is visibly upset, try reminding yourself that the person’s feelings are his or her own. You might tell yourself something like, “I am not responsible for his/her feelings.” [11] X Research source
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Start saying “no.” The types of people that narcissists tend to gravitate towards seldom say “no.” That means that someone who is narcissistic may find it easier to take advantage of the person. To avoid being taken advantage of in this way, try to become more comfortable with saying “no” when people ask you to do things that you would rather not do. [12] X Research source
- Try reminding yourself that your time, energy, and desires matter. If you do not want to do something or if you don’t have time, then you have the right to say no. [13] X Research source
- Avoid offering excuses or apologizing when you say “no.” Just keep it simple. Try saying something like, “No, I can’t do that.”
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Validate yourself. People who have narcissistic tendencies may be attracted to people who seek validation or approval from other people. If you often feel insecure and need other people to tell you that you have done something well, then this may indicate that you are dependent on the praise and feedback of others. This can make it easy for someone who is narcissistic to control you. [14] X Research source
- Try to work on validating yourself rather than seeking the approval of others. For example, if you earn a promotion, then congratulate yourself for it rather than calling up someone else right away. Look at yourself in the mirror and say, “You did it! I am so proud of you!”
- You might also try keeping a record of your accomplishments as a self-validation exercise. Every time you succeed at something, make a note of it in your journal. You might even write yourself a brief congratulations in the journal to mark the accomplishment.
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Withhold praise. Narcissists need and expect praise from other people. [15] X Research source They may talk about their accomplishments and worth with the expectation that you will heap praise on them. However, offering constant praise will cause a narcissist to want to spend more time around you. To avoid attracting narcissists to you, withhold praise from people who constantly seek it.
- If someone is going on and on about an accomplishment, then you might acknowledge the person and then try changing the subject. For example, you could say something like, “That’s awesome! Good for you! I accomplished some pretty awesome stuff this week too! Hey, did you catch the local news last night?”
- If the person continues to talk about themselves and their accomplishments, then try excusing yourself. Say something like, "It has been nice talking with you, but I have to run. Have a great day!"
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Offer constructive criticism . A narcissist may dislike being criticized because this could interfere with their sense of superiority. [16] X Expert Source Jay Reid, LPCC
Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor Expert Interview. 7 Aug 2020. [17] X Research source One way that you might let a narcissist know that you will not overlook his or her faults or mistakes is to offer constructive criticism when it is warranted. Doing this from time to time may cause the narcissist to avoid you.- For example, if you are playing golf with the person and you notice that he or she is using the wrong type of club for a shot, then you might say something like, “That club is great for long shots, but you might find this shot a little easier if you use this club instead.”
- Don’t criticize the person for the sake of criticizing. For example, don’t say mean or rude things like, “That dress makes you look fat,” or “Your presentation was a train wreck.” Make sure that you always have something helpful to say if you decide to offer constructive criticism to the person.
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Deal with anger . Narcissists may make you feel angry sometimes, but it is important to avoid unhealthy ways of dealing with your anger. Instead, find a healthy outlet to express any anger that was caused by an interaction with a narcissist. [18] X Expert Source Allison Broennimann, PhD
Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 24 February 2022. Some things you might try include:- Exercising, such as kickboxing, running, or cycling.
- Journaling about your angry feelings.
- Engaging in a creative activity such as painting, knitting, or cooking.
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Set healthy boundaries . Setting and maintaining healthy boundaries may make it easier for you to deal with a narcissist who might expect you to go above and beyond for them. Think about your relationship with this person and determine what you feel comfortable doing. [19] X Research source
- For example, if the person is a coworker who often divulges personal information that makes you uncomfortable, then you have the right to tell this person to stop sharing these things with you. Try saying something like, “I am not comfortable with this conversation. Can we talk about something else?”
- Remind yourself that you have a right to tell other people what is and is not acceptable to you. Don’t let guilt or fear stop you from making your boundaries known.
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Watch for manipulation . Narcissistic people may use manipulation tactics to get what they want. Try to watch for manipulation when you interact with narcissists. [20] X Expert Source Allison Broennimann, PhD
Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 24 February 2022. Some common manipulation tactics include: [21] X Research source- Refusing to speak first to see what you will say and to use it to read you.
- Using a home court advantage such as requiring you to meet them at their home or office.
- Using facts and statistics to overwhelm you and make you feel like you are wrong.
- Speaking in a loud voice or yelling to overpower you.
- Forcing you to make a decision on the spot.
- Making fun of you to make you feel less powerful or capable.
- Judging or criticizing you.
- Giving you the silent treatment.
- Pretending not to know what you are talking about.
- Playing the victim, such as by faking or exaggerating health issues or even blaming you for their unhappiness.
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Note a sense of grandiosity or self-importance. People who are narcissistic tend to consider themselves to be better than other people and this kind of attitude is often easy to recognize. [22] X Research source Pay attention to the things that people say and do and consider whether the person seems to have a higher opinion of him or herself than is appropriate. You might notice that the person:
- seems to live in a fantasy world where he or she has unlimited power, ideal love, beauty, or success.
- claims to be special or important and only wishes to associate with other people who he or she deems special or important.
- behaves in an arrogant way, such as by making rude remarks or commenting about being superior to other people.
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Watch for someone who needs to be admired constantly. People who are narcissistic think very highly of themselves, but they also expect people to praise them endlessly. [23] X Research source If you encounter someone who gets upset if you do not focus all of your attention on how intelligent, accomplished, beautiful, or otherwise valuable he or she is, then this might be a narcissist.
- For example, the person might purposely talk about accomplishments, small or large, and he or she might sulk if you do not provide the praise that he or she desires.
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Pay attention to how the person treats other people. People who are narcissistic often treat other people poorly. If you meet someone who treats you poorly or who you have noticed treats other people poorly, then this person may be a narcissist. Some behaviors to watch for include: [24] X Research source
- Exploiting or taking advantage of other people.
- Not empathizing or considering other people’s feelings. [25]
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Expert Source
Jay Reid, LPCC
Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor Expert Interview. 7 Aug 2020. - Envying other people or accusing other people of being envious of them.
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionHow do I stop attracting narcissists?Jay Reid is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor (LPCC) in private practice in San Francisco, CA. He specializes in helping clients who have survived a narcissistic parent or partner. Treatment focuses upon helping clients identify and challenge self-diminishing beliefs as a result of narcissistic abuse. Jay holds a BA in Psychology from the University of Pennsylvania and an MS in Clinical Psychology from Penn State University.Narcissists might be attracted by people who care about others more than themselves, even at the cost of diminishing their own feelings and needs. A narcissist will also want to be around somebody who makes them feel self-satisfied, right, and superior. Therefore, try to avoid making people feel that they are more at the cost of making yourself less.
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Expert Interview
Thanks for reading our article! If you’d like to learn more about interpersonal relationships, check out our in-depth interview with Allison Broennimann, PhD .
References
- ↑ Allison Broennimann, PhD. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 24 February 2022.
- ↑ Allison Broennimann, PhD. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 24 February 2022.
- ↑ http://psychcentral.com/lib/therapists-spill-12-ways-to-accept-yourself/
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/ways-to-accept-yourself
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/ways-to-accept-yourself
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/ways-to-accept-yourself
- ↑ http://psychcentral.com/lib/therapists-spill-12-ways-to-accept-yourself/
- ↑ http://blogs.psychcentral.com/relationships/2016/05/7-ways-to-repel-a-narcissist/
- ↑ Jay Reid, LPCC. Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor. Expert Interview. 7 Aug 2020.
- ↑ http://blogs.psychcentral.com/relationships/2016/05/7-ways-to-repel-a-narcissist/
- ↑ http://psychcentral.com/lib/what-are-personal-boundaries-how-do-i-get-some/
- ↑ http://blogs.psychcentral.com/relationships/2016/05/7-ways-to-repel-a-narcissist/
- ↑ http://psychcentral.com/lib/what-are-personal-boundaries-how-do-i-get-some/
- ↑ http://blogs.psychcentral.com/relationships/2016/05/7-ways-to-repel-a-narcissist/
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder/
- ↑ Jay Reid, LPCC. Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor. Expert Interview. 7 Aug 2020.
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder/
- ↑ Allison Broennimann, PhD. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 24 February 2022.
- ↑ http://psychcentral.com/lib/10-way-to-build-and-preserve-better-boundaries/
- ↑ Allison Broennimann, PhD. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 24 February 2022.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/communication-success/201510/14-signs-psychological-and-emotional-manipulation
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder/
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder/
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder/
- ↑ Jay Reid, LPCC. Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor. Expert Interview. 7 Aug 2020.
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