How to Respond when a Friend Comes Out as Gay

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Coming out can be one of the most significant events in your friend's life but also the most terrifying. Showing your support and embracing your friend’s honesty lets them know they came out to the right person—after all, the best thing you can do is be there for them! In this article, we’ll teach you how you can respond when a friend comes out of the closet. We’re here for you, and you’re there for them, so keep reading to learn what you should and shouldn’t say if a friend says they’re gay.

Things You Should Know

  • Appreciate that your friend has trusted you enough to be their authentic self.
  • Be kind, honest, and positive to support your friend.
  • Let your friend share details and come out to others at their own pace.
Method 1
Method 1 of 2:

Responding in the Moment

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    Coming out of the closet can be a big and risky decision. Your friend may worry about how those closest to them will react, so let them know you value their trust and honesty. [1] Show your friend that you appreciate them and their courage with a hug or sweet “thank you.”
    • “Thank you so much for telling me! It’s an absolute honor being your friend.”
    • “Coming out can’t be easy, but I’m so glad you trust me enough to share your true self with me.”
    • “Thank you for trusting me with this.”
    • If your friend comes out to you through text, add a 🤗 or ❤️ to your message to represent a virtual hug.
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    Your friend’s heart is most likely racing, so calm their nerves with a smile. They want to be accepted and don’t want your friendship to change because of what they’ve told you. Reassure your friend that you’ll always be there for them, no matter what. [2]
    • “I care about you, and nothing will ever change that.”
    • “I love you. You know that?”
    • “You’re one of my best friends, and I’m here for you no matter what.”
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    Whether you’ve had a hunch or wished they’d told you sooner doesn’t need to be brought up in the current moment. Your friend is telling you one of the biggest secrets or realizations of their life, and now all you need to do is listen. [3]
    • Statements like, “I knew it!”, “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” and “Are you hot for me?” may seem innocent, but they can make your friend feel self-conscious or guilty.
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    You may have questions about your friend coming out, and that’s perfectly okay! Be considerate of their feelings and aware that they aren’t obligated to answer. They may still be processing things themselves, so avoid asking personal questions. Instead, ask questions that show you’re on their side and care about their well-being. [4]
    • “Does anyone else know?”
    • “How are you feeling?”
    • “What has the coming out process been like for you?” [5]
    • Avoid questions like, “Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?” and “How do you know you’re gay?” These types of questions can come off as abrasive, even if you don’t mean for them to be.
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    The best thing you can do for your friend is to be there for them. When they come out to you, acknowledge their strength, courage, and resilience. Don’t shy away from being their biggest cheerleader! [6]
    • “That’s a big step, and I’m so proud of you!”
    • “I’m so glad you’ve told me. I support you 100%!”
    • “You’re one of the strongest people I know, and being yourself is only going to make you stronger.”
    • If your friend comes out to you via text, try sending them a playful GIF of someone celebrating or giving a thumbs up.
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    Not everyone shares the same beliefs, but don’t take your friend’s coming out as a chance to push an agenda. They’ve trusted you with their identity, and nothing you say will change who they are inside. [7]
    • If you don’t think you can be friends with them anymore, be honest but refrain from judgment and criticism.
    • Consider taking a step back and questioning your own beliefs. Why are you hesitant about your friend coming out? Sometimes, reframing your thoughts can help you be more understanding. [8]
    • Reader Poll: We asked 647 wikiHow readers to tell us how they would respond if someone reacted negatively to them coming out, and only 8% agreed they would ask someone close to them to help change their mind. [Take Poll] So, while that may not be a great strategy according to our readers, try to give them time to digest the news on their own terms.
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Method 2
Method 2 of 2:

Making Your Friend Comfortable

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    Every person is different, and every relationship is different. When someone comes out, they’re looking for support, validation, and acceptance; they don’t want their news negatively affecting their relationships. Rather than putting on an act, just be yourself!
    • If you and your friend are jokesters, ease their worries with a casual inside joke.
    • If you and your friend enjoy serious conversations, ask them to tell you more about their identity as long as they’re comfortable.
    • Focus on your friend’s needs in the situation, letting them laugh, cry, or be quiet. [9]
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    Try not to pry into their personal life. Chances are, they’re still processing their emotions and feelings. Coming out isn’t easy, and they’ve trusted you with their identity. Instead of begging for details, be polite, considerate, and respectful. If your friend says they’re not ready to share something, that’s okay. Let them disclose things at their own pace. [10]
    • “Know I’m here if you ever need to talk.”
    • “You can come to me with anything at any time, okay?”
    • “You don’t have to tell me everything right away. I’ll be here when and if you want someone to listen.”
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    As you talk to your friend, it’s normal to relate the situation to things you’re familiar with; however, your friend’s situation may not be the same as someone else’s. Labeling someone’s identity out of context and comparing experiences can harm your friend and/or friendship. Ask your friend how they identify, and avoid making generalizations about their lifestyle. [11]
    • “Is there a label you feel the most connected with?”
    • “Do you identify with a specific part of the LGBTQIA community?”
    • “Please correct me if I ever use the wrong identifications or pronouns.”
    • Stay away from phrases like, “You’re confused,” “You’re depressed,” or “You can’t feel that way because you dated her/him.” These statements can be extremely harmful and uncomfortable for your friend. [12]
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    Your friend choosing to come out to you doesn’t necessarily mean they’re ready to come out to everyone. Avoid spreading the word or gossiping about your friend’s sexuality. Letting them tell others at their own pace will show them you’re a true friend. [13]
    • Listen to your friend and respect their wants and needs—this is their story, after all!
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    Showing your support now and year-round can mean the world to your friend. This can be as simple as talking openly and honestly with your friend or including their partner in your activities. Here are some other ways you can be an ally each and every day: [14]
    • Research and discuss political and societal issues within the LGBTQ+ community
    • Speak up when you hear an anti-LGBTQ+ comment or joke
    • Use inclusive language in everyday conversations
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Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    How do I help my gay friend come out?
    Lauren Urban, LCSW
    Licensed Psychotherapist
    Lauren Urban is a licensed psychotherapist in Brooklyn, New York, with over 13 years of therapy experience working with children, families, couples, and individuals. She received her Masters in Social Work from Hunter College in 2006, and specializes in working with the LGBTQIA community and with clients in recovery or considering recovery for drug and alcohol use.
    Lauren Urban, LCSW
    Licensed Psychotherapist
    Expert Answer
    Unless your friend has explicitly asked you for help, you shouldn't be helping them do anything. It is your friend's choice to come out. They control when they do it, how they do it, and whom they ask to help them do it. Do not tell anyone about your friend's sexuality or gender identity without their permission.
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      References

      1. ↑ Lauren Urban, LCSW. Licensed Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 3 September 2018.
      2. ↑ https://lgbtq.unc.edu/resources/how-to-support-lgbtq-people-on-campus/if-someone-comes-out-to-you/
      3. ↑ https://www.npr.org/2020/06/01/867059156/navigating-the-coming-out-conversation-from-both-sides
      4. ↑ https://lgbtq.unc.edu/resources/how-to-support-lgbtq-people-on-campus/if-someone-comes-out-to-you/
      5. ↑ https://www.hrc.org/resources/being-an-lgbtq-ally
      6. ↑ Lauren Urban, LCSW. Licensed Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 3 September 2018.
      7. ↑ https://www.belongto.org/youngpeople/advice/supporting-someone-coming-out/
      8. ↑ https://www.npr.org/2020/06/01/867059156/navigating-the-coming-out-conversation-from-both-sides
      9. ↑ Lauren Urban, LCSW. Licensed Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 3 September 2018.
      1. ↑ https://www.belongto.org/youngpeople/advice/supporting-someone-coming-out/
      2. ↑ https://www.ucl.ac.uk/equality-diversity-inclusion/sites/equality-diversity-inclusion/files/coming_out_guide.pdf
      3. ↑ https://www.skidmore.edu/osdp/lgbtq/comingout6.php
      4. ↑ https://www.washington.edu/counseling/thinking-of-coming-out/
      5. ↑ https://www.hrc.org/resources/being-an-lgbtq-ally

      About This Article

      Article Summary X

      It can be hard to know how to respond when a friend comes out of the closet, but if you show your support it will go smoothly. Thank them for sharing with you, since it probably wasn’t easy! Then, tell them that you support them. You could say something like, “I’m glad you came out to me. I totally support you!” Make sure to ask your friend questions to show you’re interested in their experience. You might ask who else knows or how long they’ve known about their sexuality or gender. It’s important to maintain your friend’s trust, so don’t tell anyone after the fact. While you may be excited, it’s your friend’s journey and it’s their job to choose how they want to come out. For more advice on using new pronouns, read on!

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