Is Serial Monogamy Bad? Everything You Need to Know

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How to tell if you or your partner is a serial monogamist
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Serial monogamy refers to the habit of jumping from relationship to relationship without taking the time to enjoy being single. While serial monogamy isn’t inherently bad, it can be a sign of underlying self-esteem issues and prevent people from finding a loving, lasting relationship. In this article, we’ll explain what serial monogamy is, signs you or your partner may be a serial monogamist, and what causes serial monogamy. Plus, learn how to break the cycle with tips from dating coach Amy Chan.

Serial Monogamist Meaning

A serial monogamist is someone who quickly moves from one romantic relationship to another. They may have short- or long-term relationships, but they spend as little time being single as possible. While generally faithful to their partners, they may have a new partner lined up shortly before or after a breakup.

Section 1 of 8:

What is serial monogamy?

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  1. A serial monogamist is a person who spends as little time being single as possible, quickly beginning a new relationship after their previous one ended. Serial monogamists may have many short-lived relationships, or they may have several long-term ones. They only date one person at a time but struggle to stay single when they break up. [1]
    • Serial monogamists are generally faithful to their partners, hence the term “monogamist.” However, the term can sometimes describe people who cheat on their partners while relationship jumping, as well.
    • Serial monogamists differ from traditional monogamists, as traditional monogamists often take time to grieve and heal from their previous relationship before beginning a new one. Serial monogamists tend to jump back into dating before they’ve had time to fully process their breakup.
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Section 2 of 8:

Signs of a Serial Monogamist

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  1. Serial monogamists tend to jump from one romantic relationship to another. There often isn’t a large gap of time between relationships, as they rarely take the time to properly grieve and heal from their previous relationship. [2] Serial monogamists are preoccupied with love and strongly dislike being single.
    • If you struggle to be single, try to reframe your thoughts and focus on the positive. In Chan’s opinion, “Getting to reinvent yourself is one of the most exciting things about being single. After a breakup, you get an opportunity to start with a blank canvas. You get to paint the type of life, love, and partnership you want, now with new wisdom and lessons learned.”
  2. 2
    Serial monogamists may be uncomfortable being alone. Serial monogamists often try to avoid being single because they’re uncomfortable being alone. They may feel bored or lonely when they’re single, and they may even struggle with self-esteem issues . [3]
  3. Serial monogamists aren’t usually the type for flings or hookups. When they begin a relationship, it often becomes very serious or intense early on. The serial monogamist may not even have time to truly get to know their partner before taking the relationship to the next level. [4]
  4. 4
    Serial monogamists may easily feel bored in relationships. While serial monogamists often crave intense relationships, they ultimately love the thrill of the chase and the excitement that comes from the beginning of a new relationship. They may become infatuated quickly, but once that initial excitement wears off, they get bored, assume they’ve fallen out of love, and end the relationship. [5]
  5. 5
    They often begin looking for a new partner right before or after a breakup. Serial monogamists are usually faithful to their partners, but they may start thinking about ending a relationship a while before they do it. During this time, they may begin looking for potential partners. Even if they wait until after the breakup, they waste little time getting back into the dating scene to find someone new. [6]
  6. This isn’t to say serial monogamists don’t have friends, but platonic relationships usually aren’t their priority. Serial monogamists often get so wrapped up in their romantic relationship that they don’t make time for their friends. They may see their friends more often when they’re single, then disappear again once they’ve found a relationship. [7]
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Section 3 of 8:

Potential Causes of Serial Monogamy

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  1. Not all serial monogamists are afraid of commitment . Those who are, however, may get scared and leave a relationship once it becomes too serious. [8] Because they don’t want to be alone, they quickly enter a new one, and then the cycle continues.
  2. 2
    Low self-esteem Serial monogamists may associate their self-worth with their relationship status. They may view being single as a sign of their inadequacy, and having the attention of a partner may help them feel more worthy. [9] This is why they often jump from one relationship to another.
  3. 3
    Trauma Trauma, including childhood trauma, may lead to relationship difficulties in adulthood. Unresolved trauma may manifest as challenges in communicating and handling conflict with a partner, which can sometimes cause people to adopt patterns of serial monogamy. People who’ve experienced trauma may also have a fear of being abandoned , which causes them to want to be with someone at all times. [10]
  4. Some serial monogamists may think they want a serious relationship when stability actually makes them feel uncomfortable. They may prefer drama and intensity and feel bored or restless when a relationship is stable. This may cause them to self-sabotage and leave the relationship. [11]
  5. 5
    Black-and-white thinking Many serial monogamists have black-and-white thinking in relationships, meaning they see things as entirely perfect or irredeemably bad. This often causes instability in relationships, and some serial monogamists may break up with their partner at the first sign of a flaw. They may also leave a relationship without thinking it through because they met someone new who they think is “perfect.” [12]
  6. 6
    Perfectionism People with perfectionism may expect their relationship and their partner to be perfect at all times. If the relationship doesn’t meet their standards, they may begin to doubt if it’s worth it. They tend to abandon the relationship at the first sign of difficulty and doubt and move on to the next one. [13]
  7. Being a serial monogamist doesn’t mean you have a mental disorder, and having mental health issues doesn’t mean you’re a serial monogamist. However, certain symptoms of some mental disorders like borderline personality disorder (BPD), obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), and narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) sometimes make people more prone to serial monogamy and relationship instability. [14]
    • People with BPD may have symptoms like fear of abandonment, low self-esteem, impulsivity, black-and-white thinking, and patterns of unstable or intense relationships.
    • People with OCD may have obsessive thoughts about their relationship, like whether they’re good enough and whether their partner will leave them. This can lead to instability and irrational decisions in relationships.
    • People with NPD may require high levels of attention and support, which can cause strain on relationships.
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Section 4 of 8:

Potential Problems with Serial Monogamy

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  1. Many people say they discover who they truly are when they allow themselves to be single for an extended period. While this isn’t true for everyone, being single often allows people to learn who they are outside of their relationships so they can continue to grow and develop as a person. Serial monogamists may struggle with their identity and self-worth because they don’t take the time to get to know themselves when they’re single. [15]
    • According to Chan, “Being single is a valuable time to get ‘back to you.’ When [we’re] in a relationship, sometimes we merge with our partner to a point of unbalance. Suddenly our identity and sense of validation become enmeshed with our relationship—which is an identity crisis waiting to happen.”
  2. 2
    Serial monogamists may not heal from previous relationships. The end of a relationship can be very sad and hurtful, even if it ended amicably. People often need time to process their feelings, grieve, and heal before starting a new relationship. [16] When someone jumps into a new relationship without giving themselves time to grieve, they’ll likely carry emotional baggage and issues from their previous relationship into their next one.
    • Chan stresses that it’s important to “Know the difference between processing and wallowing. The former means you feel the emotions and use self-care, self-compassion, and support to get back to an equilibrium… Wallowing is when you choose to see the situation in the lens of a victim. When you are stuck in victimization, you are not processing. You’re prolonging your suffering.”
  3. New relationships tend to be time- and energy-consuming, and serial monogamists may put all their effort into them. Because of this, they may not leave time for platonic or familial relationships. This can put a strain on these non-romantic relationships, especially if the serial monogamist only pays attention to them when they’re between partners. [17]
  4. 4
    They may use romantic relationships to mask underlying issues. Some serial monogamists may have self-esteem issues or mental health conditions that cause their patterns of serial monogamy. [18] They may continue to get into new relationships so they don’t have to address these issues. However, taking time to process these feelings and seek help can often lead to more fulfilling relationships.
  5. People who feel like they must constantly be in a relationship may jump into a new relationship without considering whether the person is a good fit for them. Because they don’t take the time to get to know their partner fully, they may end up in unfulfilling or even toxic relationships because they’re afraid of being alone. [19]
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Section 5 of 8:

Are there benefits of serial monogamy?

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  1. While these benefits are up for debate, some studies have shown that, in the United States, men had 19% more children with three or more consecutive spouses than men who only had one partner. Other research has shown fertility benefits for women who have long-term partners. [20]
  2. While everyone is different, because serial monogamists have been in many long-term relationships, they often know how to handle small issues and general relationship etiquette. They tend to be hopeless romantics who are attentive, affectionate, and devoted to their relationships. [21]
    • This isn’t the case with everyone, especially if their serial monogamy is caused by underlying self-esteem or mental health issues. These people sometimes struggle to maintain long-term relationships, which causes them to quickly jump into new ones.
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Section 6 of 8:

Is it bad to be a serial monogamist?

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  1. It’s not always bad to be a serial monogamist. It isn’t always unhealthy to be a serial monogamist, and many people go through periods of serial monogamy at some point in their lives. Many serial monogamists get married and have fulfilling long-term relationships. However, the pattern of serial monogamy can also be a sign of deeper psychological or emotional issues, especially if you find being single to be very upsetting or difficult. [22]
    • Some studies suggest that serial monogamy has become more common as women have gained more rights. Whereas women in past generations were financially dependent on their husbands and often unable to leave relationships, women now have more power over their finances and personal circumstances, and can leave relationships much more easily. [23] (It’s important to note, however, that anyone of any gender can be a serial monogamist.)
Section 7 of 8:

Breaking the Cycle of Serial Monogamy

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  1. Most people are serial monogamists because they’re scared to be single. Take some time to think about where this fear comes from. Ask yourself the following questions to help determine why you feel this way: [24]
    • What relationships did you see as examples growing up?
    • Do you think being single will reflect badly on you?
    • How do you think about your loved ones and acquaintances who are single?
    • How do you handle loneliness?
    EXPERT TIP

    Amy Chan

    Relationship Coach
    Amy Chan is a Relationship Coach based in New York, New York. She is the Founder of Renew Breakup Bootcamp, a retreat that takes a scientific and spiritual approach to healing after the end of a relationship. She has over 12 years of experience helping clients work on their relationships with strategies rooted in the psychology and science of relationships and personal development. Her team of psychologists and coaches at Renew Breakup Bootcamp has helped hundreds of individuals, and the Bootcamp has been featured on CNN, Vogue, the New York Times, and Fortune. Her book based on her work, Breakup Bootcamp, was published in 2020 and was featured by the New York Times.
    Amy Chan
    Relationship Coach

    Take time for yourself after a breakup. Immediately after a breakup, self-care, self-compassion, and community support should be a focus. A breakup can feel traumatizing, and it’s normal to take time to grieve, process, and get back to an equilibrium.

  2. 2
    Recognize any self-sabotaging patterns. Consider whether moving from one relationship to another causes you unnecessary stress, anxiety, or chaos. Are these relationships actually sabotaging your chances of happiness? Think about the issues that have led you to leave your relationships and see if there are any underlying themes. You may find a pattern that suggests you’re actually self-sabotaging . [25]
    • For example, if you tend to pick fights or end relationships over minor issues, you may actually be pushing people away out of fear of being hurt or abandoned.
  3. While it may sound scary, taking an extended break from dating is often what serial monogamists need to break the cycle. Being single gives you time to heal from past relationships and understand who you are outside of your relationships. Use this time to focus on your goals, hobbies , and non-romantic relationships. You’ll likely find something that makes you feel valued and fulfilled outside of a romantic relationship. [26]
    • Chan says being single is “The time to reconnect with the relationship you have with yourself—to start that passion project you’ve procrastinated on, to develop those friendships that have been on the back burner, to take that solo trip you’ve always wondered about.”
  4. 4
    Take things slow when you’re ready to date again. When you’re ready to put yourself back out there, remind yourself not to rush into things. Enjoy getting to know people and going on dates without putting pressure on yourself or your date to turn the relationship into something more. Focus on the immediate future, like whether you want a second date, rather than planning a long-term relationship with them. [27]
    • To take things slow , set boundaries with the person you’re dating early on. Aim to see each other a couple times a week rather than every day. Don’t rush to label the relationship, and focus on having fun.
    • Make sure you’re ready to start dating again. “If you are dating to distract yourself from the pain of your breakup,” Chan says, “you are not ready. When you date with the intention of creating connection, of practicing your ability to be present and curious, then you are ready.”
  5. It can be hard to break the cycle of serial monogamy on your own, especially if you’re struggling to figure out what causes it. Seeing a therapist can be very helpful, especially if your behaviors stem from a deep-seated issue or a mental health condition. There’s no shame in getting help when you need it. [28]
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Section 8 of 8:

Final Takeaways

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  1. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be in a relationship. Many people crave connection, intimacy, and romance, so don’t feel ashamed if you don’t like being single. Try to remember, though, that to be a good partner, it’s important to know yourself and heal from past relationships. This often means taking some time to grieve and be single before starting a new relationship.
    • If being single makes you feel lonely or insecure, remember that you have relationships outside of your partner. Talk to your friends and family, and consider seeing a therapist to learn how to be alone. [29]

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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.e-counseling.com/articles/serial-monogamy/
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/head-games/201803/4-reasons-why-being-single-hurts-so-much
      3. ↑ https://www.supportiv.com/relationships/serial-monogamy-definition-pros-cons
      4. ↑ https://www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/serial-monogamy/
      5. ↑ https://www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/serial-monogamy/
      6. ↑ https://www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/serial-monogamy/
      7. ↑ https://www.e-counseling.com/articles/serial-monogamy/
      8. ↑ https://www.charliehealth.com/post/why-do-people-have-a-phobia-of-commitment
      9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/romantically-attached/202406/the-fear-factor-how-singlehood-and-self-esteem-drive-dating
      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/understanding-ptsd/202302/5-ways-a-fear-of-abandonment-shows-up-in-relationships
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/finding-new-home/202108/5-reasons-why-some-people-keep-sabotaging-their-relationships
      3. ↑ https://www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/serial-monogamy/
      4. ↑ https://www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/serial-monogamy/
      5. ↑ https://www.choosingtherapy.com/serial-monogamy/
      6. ↑ https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/problem-with-serial-monogamy-according-to-sexologist
      7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/head-games/201803/4-reasons-why-being-single-hurts-so-much
      8. ↑ https://www.e-counseling.com/articles/serial-monogamy/
      9. ↑ https://www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/serial-monogamy/
      10. ↑ https://www.supportiv.com/relationships/serial-monogamy-definition-pros-cons
      11. ↑ https://academic.oup.com/beheco/article-abstract/21/5/906/197047?redirectedFrom=fulltext&login=false
      12. ↑ https://www.supportiv.com/relationships/serial-monogamy-definition-pros-cons
      13. ↑ https://www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/serial-monogamy/
      14. ↑ https://academic.oup.com/restud/article-abstract/82/2/565/1586237?redirectedFrom=fulltext&login=false
      15. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/between-you-and-me/202212/do-you-have-a-fear-of-being-single
      16. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/relationships/the-startling-reason-we-sabotage-love
      17. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/how-to-be-ok-with-being-single
      18. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/how-to-be-ok-with-being-single
      19. ↑ https://www.e-counseling.com/articles/serial-monogamy/
      20. ↑ https://www.choosingtherapy.com/serial-monogamy/

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