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Read your man's mind and uncover his deepest desires
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So there's this guy. You're beginning to feel like things are getting serious, but there's just one problem: you don't know how he feels. How can you tell when a guy is dreaming of taking things to the next level? Actually, guys usually drop pretty clear hints. Whether you're in a relationship already, casually seeing each other, or just friends, we'll cover the info you need below—so, feel free to jump to the section that's relevant to you. If you spot these surefire signs, then you can bet that he's fantasizing about a committed, long-term romance (with you!).
Things You Should Know
- If you're in a relationship, he'll take everything seriously by carefully keeping an open dialogue, staying faithful, and being respectful to you.
- If you're seeing each other more casually, he'll start expressing big, deeper emotions that go beyond kindness.
- If you're just friends, he'll compliment you constantly and try to make casual physical contact.
Steps
Section 1 of 2:
If You’re Casually Dating or in a New Relationship:
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He drops everything to hang out with you. You know he's got family, friends, work, and hobbies, but no matter what, he never seems too busy for you. If his schedule gets hectic, he carves out time for you within the mayhem. It just seems like even when he’s pressed for time, he can’t bear to be away from you for long. Spoiler alert: it’s because you’re super important to him. [1] X Research source
- Green flags: He still wants to FaceTime on his break or meet up for a quick lunch on super busy days. He makes an extra effort when it's necessary—for example, he might drive a long way to see you. He’s happy to see you any time of day, not just late at night.
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He communicates with you openly and honestly. You’ve been with guys in the past who don’t care enough to get vulnerable, or who lie to keep you interested. But he doesn’t. He works hard to be upfront with you, even when it’s hard. He’s transparent about his feelings and desires. When something needs to be communicated, he’s proactive about it. Why? Because he knows you’re the real deal, and he doesn’t want anything (like poor communication) to mess this up. [2] X Research source
- Green flags : When an ex reaches out, he tells you and asks how you feel about it. He’s clear about his goals (“I really want a girlfriend I can trust”) and his limitations (“In the past, I’ve had trouble getting vulnerable”). The words “Just a heads up” roll off his tongue in conversation regularly.
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He wants you to meet his close friends and family. You used to beg old boyfriends to introduce you to loved ones, but they weren't interested. But not this guy—whether it's his mom, his siblings, his best friend…he wants you to meet everyone . And the reason for this will melt your heart: this guy thinks you’re pure sunshine, so he just wants to show you off. He doesn’t doubt that his loved ones will adore you, so he wants them to share in his excitement. [3] X Research source
- Green flags : Early on, he admits that he sent his mom a photo of you. He casually mentions that he talks about you with friends. When he invites you to hang out with his circle, it feels intentional. Afterward, he wants to know what you thought of everyone.
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He talks about the future with you. This is a big one if you're trying to find out how he feels ! Guys in the past might’ve dodged "future" conversations, or pretended like next week didn’t exist. But he seems intent on sussing out your long-term interest and your goals. He loves chatting about the wedding you’re attending together next month, and dream vacations you might splurge on next year. It’s like, not only is he not afraid of making future plans with you—he’s excited about the possibility. [4] X Research source
- Green flags : When you mention future events, he doesn't get squeamish about it. He's curious about where you want to "end up" down the line. He's asked about what your long-term goals are (Kids? Marriage?).
- Most people do envision marriage as part of their future, so if he’s including you in that picture, that’s a great sign that he wants a serious relationship with you.
- Reader Poll: We asked 242 wikiHow readers how they feel about marriage, and 74% said that they’d like to get married someday . [Take Poll]
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He wants to truly understand you. He doesn’t want to keep you at a distance. He's deadset on truly knowing you. This is in part because he’s feeling deep affection for you, which naturally makes him curious about what makes you, you . It’s also due to the fact that he sees a future with you, so he knows that to give you two the best chance of success, he needs to understand what makes you tick. [5] X Research source
- Green flags : He asks personal questions (“What’s your deepest fear?”) and follow-up questions (“How do you think you developed that fear?”). He asks clarifying questions when you tell him stories (“Clara, that’s the friend from high school, right?”). He notices your deeper qualities (“I love how you always try to make others feel included…”).
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He supports your goals and ambitions. He’s actively involved in your life and clearly wants you to feel happy and fulfilled. He’s not mad when you work late or confused when you chat excitedly about your passions. On the contrary, he’s invested and supportive. Not only does he want to learn about your deepest desires, but he also wants to help you make them a reality. He knows that if you're happy, he’ll be happy. [6] X Research source
- Green flags : He tries to boost your confidence regularly (“You’re so sharp and creative—they’ll love you!”). He doesn’t act annoyed when you invest in your hobbies (“It’s okay that you’re busy. Let me know if I can help!”). And he thoughtfully supports you (“I saw this app that might help you at work. Try it out!”).
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He’s dependable and consistent. He’s rarely shady or hard to reach. You know those guys who make you question everything, constantly? That’s not him. When you text, you know he’ll answer. When you want to hang out, you know he’ll try to make it happen. His feelings aren’t wishy-washy or confusing—he’s sure of how he feels about you. If other relationships have been a rollercoaster, this one is a relaxing, romantic carriage ride. [7] X Research source
- Green flags : You never feel confused about where you stand with him. His actions and his words align; in other words, he doesn’t say one thing but do another. He might even have affectionate routines with you, like good morning or good night texts.
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He’s loving and affectionate. You don’t have to ask for him to be sweet to you—he does it naturally. He treats you like someone he cares deeply for, whether that means throwing an arm over your shoulder on the couch, or talking you up in a crowd of people. It’s as simple as that: you feel loved in his presence. He shows warmth and kindness to you on the regular, and he seems to enjoy doing it. [8] X Research source
- Green flags : PDA if he’s into that. He calls you pet names, like “Sweetie” or “Baby.” He does you favors, like picking you up a treat from the store. He kisses you out of the blue.
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He’s loyal to you. He doesn’t lie to you or trick you, whether you’re exclusive or open. If you two are exclusive, he’s faithful. He’s committed to making things work with you, and that means that he wants you to trust him. And he clearly doesn’t want to do anything that might risk losing your trust. When he goes out with friends, you don't worry, because he's never given you reason to. [9] X Research source
- Green flags : When you two are out together, he doesn't flirt with others. Tons of honesty—if someone reaches out to him in a romantic way, he tells you straight away.
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He isn’t rushing you in the relationship. When a guy doesn’t care about you, he might try to get what he wants on his timeline, not yours. But when he’s really invested, he’ll wait for you to be totally on board, respecting your boundaries all the while. If you want to wait to have sex, he’s happy to do that. If you’re not ready to commit straight away, he’ll give you time to process. This is because he knows that serious relationships take compromise, and he wants that with you. [10] X Research source
- Green flags : He doesn't emotionally manipulate you or complain about your needs. If you have different timelines in mind, he accepts that. He might have questions, but he understands. He doesn't whine or try to make you feel guilty so that you’ll change your mind.
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He tries to make you feel safe. This relationship isn’t filled with ups and downs, or confusing twists. Maybe in past romances, you’ve felt like guys have wanted to keep you guessing in order to keep you interested. But not this guy—his goal is clearly to make you feel protected and comfortable. Why is this? Serious feelings aren’t about keeping someone on the line, they’re about genuinely wanting the best for them. He wants that for you, so he tries to give it to you every day. [11] X Research source
- Green flags : When you’ve had a bad day, he wants to be there for you. He stands up for you if someone crosses the line. He doesn’t try to control you, he just tries to care for you. He’s never said: “I told you so.”
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He never does the bare minimum. The bare minimum is when someone keeps you just satisfied enough so that you don’t leave. Just enough affection, just enough kindness, just enough respect. This guy doesn’t breadcrumb—he clearly looks for ways to love you better and hold you closer. His goal isn’t to string you along; he’s leading with his heart, and he wants to show you that every day. [12] X Research source
- Green flags : He doesn’t phone it in on birthdays and anniversaries—he wants to go big. He surprises you, whether that’s with flowers or a sweet note. He asks you what you want, then he tries to deliver it.
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He says “I love you.” This one is pretty clear. If he tells you he loves you, there’s a good chance that he’s serious about you. Love is a big feeling, and if he cares about you that deeply, he’s almost certainly thinking about a serious future with you. How exciting! Though it’s worth mentioning that not all guys are white knights. Some frogs never turn to princes—they remain, well, slimy. It's extremely uncool, but some people do lie about their feelings in order to convince partners to stay. [13] X Research source
- Look out for : Think about how many other "clues" were in line with his behavior. If your guy treats you well, then his feelings those feelings are probably genuine. And you’ve got a keeper! But if he lies, keeps distance, or disrespects you (all while claiming he’s in love), he might be a dishonest person. You deserve better.
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He starts hinting at “the talk.” So, you two have been seeing each other casually, but you’re not official. How will you know if he’s got his eye on an exclusive relationship? Here's one of the clearest signals: he seems to be gearing up for a serious conversation. He might suss out your interest, ask you about who else you're seeing, or talk about how long you’ve been seeing each other. For instance, he might say: [14] X Research source
- “Yeah, I really like hanging out with you. Do you feel like this is going well, or...?”
- “Actually, now that you mention it, I’m not seeing anyone else. I don’t know if you are. Are you?”
- “I was thinking about it yesterday, and we started hanging out—what was it?—a month ago, I think. It’s gone by quickly…”
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He expresses deeper, affectionate feelings regularly. Casual dates should still be nice to you, no doubt about it. But a guy who’s got his sites set on something serious might start to take things a step further than just simple kindness. If he’s starting to feel things for you, he’ll probably feel compelled to share those feelings. He might compliment you, talk about his emotions, or compare this feeling to past ones. [15] X Research source
- “I just think you’re sort of amazing. I love how smart you are and how much you care about your family.”
- “You make me feel so light and happy. I don’t know how to describe it exactly, but you really help me relax. I feel like I can just be myself.”
- “In past "situationships," I’ve always wanted to bolt at this point. But I don’t know, I sort of feel like I just want to see you more instead…”
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Section 2 of 2:
If You’re Currently Just Friends:
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He works hard to make you laugh. This guy pulls out all the stops when you're around. You notice that his energy seems to shift when you walk into the room. Suddenly, he wants to land jokes, create fun moments, and in general, be a bit more of a character. When you two are alone, you can feel that he's focused on impressing you and making you smile. [16] X Research source
- He's willing to be silly to make you giggle. He might try out an impression, or use exaggerated gestures.
- He remembers things you've found funny and uses them again. You love his fake-falling bit, and suddenly, he's doing it all the time.
- He looks at you when he makes a joke in a group. He may be saying it to the entire room, but clearly, there's only one person he's looking to impress.
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He’s constantly communicating with you. When he gets the chance to talk to you, he's taking it. This can show up in a few different forms depending on your friendship norms, but in general, you'll just get the sense that he never wants the conversation or hangout session to end. Specifically, he might: [17] X Research source
- Show up at the same place as you regularly. If you RSVP to a party, he's going too.
- Text you regularly if that's a friendship norm. He never ends the conversation and always seems to have a new thing to share with you.
- Talks to you when you're in a group. He just loves getting to chat with you, so you're usually first on his list.
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He remembers everything you say and do. He seems to pay special attention to you. He always recalls the little things you say and details about your life. Why is this? Because he's thinking about you! It's easy to remember everything about someone when they're the main character in your daydreams. This is a sign that he's dreaming of a relationship with you for sure. [18] X Research source
- "You said that you liked Elliot Smith, right? I saw that he's coming to town next month. Did you see that?"
- "Oh, that family trip should be fun. Because you said that you'd never seen New York City before, right?"
- "Hey! What are you doing for your birthday? It's this month right, on the 14th?"
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He regularly compliments you. He just can't help it! If this guy is starry-eyed over you, there's a good chance that he'll let it slip at some point. There are two reasons for this. For one, he just thinks you're great, so he has nothing but nice things to say about you. The second reason is that he's trying to impress you—he knows that to make you yours, he'll have to prove he can make you happy. He might compliment you on a mix of big and small things: [19] X Research source
- "I love your haircut. It's so cool. You have amazing style."
- "Wow, you're good at this game! You got the hang of it super quickly."
- "You have such a special way with people. I feel like everyone loves you!"
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He puts a hand on your knee, shoulder, or back. Physical intimacy, a lot of the time, has flirty undertones. If you find him constantly creating contact, it could be because he's trying to send you a message. It might also be just because he finds you to be totally magnetic—he feels himself being drawn to you. Look out for little touches that seem more than friendly, like: [20] X Research source
- Plucking an eyelash from your face
- Throwing an arm over your shoulder
- Reaching over to touch you to emphasize his words while you chat
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He leans in close when you two have conversations. This one is subtler, but it's a strong sign. Attraction can be so literal at times—if you notice him subconsciously needing to bridge the gap between you, it might be because he's drawn to your energy. When you two sit across from each other in conversation, you might notice that he gets closer and closer (and potentially, that his feet are pointed towards you, too). [21] X Research source
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionIs it important to be upfront about whether you are looking for a casual or serious relationship?Elvina Lui is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist specializing in relationship counseling based in the San Francisco Bay Area. Elvina received her Masters in Counseling from Western Seminary in 2007 and trained under the Asian Family Institute in San Francisco and the New Life Community Services in Santa Cruz. She has over 13 years of counseling experience and is trained in the harm reduction model.It is important to be open and honest about what you want to get out of the relationship, the tricky thing is sometimes you yourself might not be sure what you want. You might start out thinking you wanted something casual but as time went by your feelings could have grown stronger and you changed to want a long term relationship.
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References
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201403/11-ways-tell-if-your-lover-loves-you
- ↑ https://youth.gov/youth-topics/teen-dating-violence/characteristics
- ↑ https://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/a23306252/ways-he-secretly-loves-you/
- ↑ https://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/a23306252/ways-he-secretly-loves-you/
- ↑ https://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/a23306252/ways-he-secretly-loves-you/
- ↑ https://youth.gov/youth-topics/teen-dating-violence/characteristics
- ↑ https://youth.gov/youth-topics/teen-dating-violence/characteristics
- ↑ https://www.waldenu.edu/programs/psychology/resource/ten-signs-of-a-healthy-relationship
- ↑ https://www.waldenu.edu/programs/psychology/resource/ten-signs-of-a-healthy-relationship
- ↑ https://www.qcc.cuny.edu/titleix/docs/OneLoveResources/10-Signs-of-a-Healthy-and-Unhealthy-Relationship-English.pdf
- ↑ https://youth.gov/youth-topics/teen-dating-violence/characteristics
- ↑ https://www.qcc.cuny.edu/titleix/docs/OneLoveResources/10-Signs-of-a-Healthy-and-Unhealthy-Relationship-English.pdf
- ↑ https://www.qcc.cuny.edu/titleix/docs/OneLoveResources/10-Signs-of-a-Healthy-and-Unhealthy-Relationship-English.pdf
- ↑ https://www.cosmopolitan.com/sexopedia/a37145157/dtr-meaning-tips/
- ↑ https://www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/signs-a-casual-relationship-is-getting-serious/
- ↑ https://youtu.be/BtKCoLCPWQI?t=209
- ↑ https://www.seventeen.com/love/dating-advice/news/a41645/signs-your-friend-has-a-crush-on-you/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/why-bad-looks-good/201904/how-tell-if-someone-has-crush-you
- ↑ https://www.seventeen.com/love/dating-advice/news/a41645/signs-your-friend-has-a-crush-on-you/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-attraction-doctor/201603/4-ways-tell-whether-someone-is-you
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-attraction-doctor/201603/4-ways-tell-whether-someone-is-you
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