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Is your relationship just going through a dry spell, or is it something more serious?
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Maybe at the start of your relationship, she was all over you, but you’re out of the honeymoon stage now, and bedroom activities have started to slow down—or maybe they’ve stopped completely. It could just be a rut—all couples have them! But is it possible your girlfriend or wife just isn’t as attracted to you as she used to be? We’ve consulted the experts and compiled a list of signs your girlfriend is no longer sexually attracted to you, plus what to do to address the situation.
This article is based on an interview with our licensed relationship therapist, Alysha Jeney, owner of Modern Love Counseling, and the co-founder of The Modern Love Box. Check out the full interview here.
Things You Should Know
- If your girlfriend's sexual attraction is waning, she'll be unlikely to initiate sex and will often refuse your advances.
- If she doesn’t seem into sex, or if she seems to like quality time more than sexual intimacy, sex just may not be a priority for her.
- Talk to her about your concerns. It’s possible the shift in your sex life has nothing to do with you and is temporary, or maybe you’re just not meant to be together.
Steps
Section 1 of 2:
Signs She’s No Longer Sexually Attracted to You
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She doesn’t flirt with you. Maybe she used to tease you, compliment you, find excuses to touch you, and now—nothing. Lots of couples flirt less as the relationship wears on, but if you try to flirt and she doesn’t reciprocate, it might be a bad sign.
- Once the honeymoon phase is over, flirting tends to dwindle, so don’t be too freaked out if this sign applies to your relationship.
- That said, studies show flirting is really essential to the health of long-term relationships—although it tends to be less sexual in nature, like flirting often is in the honeymoon phase, and more relational and emotional. [1] X Research source
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She enjoys quality time—but not sexy time. If your girlfriend seems to love cooking dinner together and poking fun at the newest M. Night Shyamalan movie with you, that’s a great sign: it sounds like she really cares for you and enjoys spending time in your company. But if she never seems to be in the mood to get down and dirty, it’s possible she’s lost some of her initial attraction, or maybe sex just isn’t super important to her. [2] X Research source
- For lots of people, including asexual people, sexual intimacy just isn’t a huge priority in a relationship.
- But if it’s important to you , or if you’re concerned her lack of interest has something to do with you, it’s worth asking her about it.
- There’s no right or wrong amount of weight couples must place on sex, but both partners need to be on the same page for things to work.
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She criticizes your appearance. First and foremost, you deserve to be with someone who doesn’t criticize you. That being said, if your girlfriend suddenly seems to always have nits to pick with your wardrobe, your hairstyle, your ratty old shoes, your hipster mustache, well, it could be she’s doing it because she’s losing her attraction to you.
- Sure, if you’ve stopped doing laundry or maintaining basic hygiene, maybe this one’s on you.
- When’s the last time you got gussied up for a hot date? Her criticism might be less about your appearance and more about the effort you’re putting into the relationship.
- But if it seems like she’s fixated on superficial aspects of your person, it might just be a sign she’s not right for you.
- Regardless of the nature of her critique, there's no excuse for cruelty. [3] X Research source People who love and respect you will break difficult news to you gently. (“I love you, Dennis, but when’s the last time you showered?”)
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The sexual chemistry is just…off. Maybe she reciprocates your flirting and maybe things even progress into sexy territory now and again, but the chemistry just…isn’t there. There’s no heat, no passion. If this rings true to you, it’s possible that she loves you, but after the initial excitement of the relationship, she’s realized you’re better suited as friends than a couple.
- Weird as it sounds, sometimes when we don't know how to deal with our own feelings, we project them onto our partner. [4] X Research source In other words, if you’re concerned there’s no sexual chemistry between you and your girlfriend, is it possible it’s because you’re no longer attracted to her ?
- If you're not feeling sexual chemistry, it's worth it to bring it up to her and see if she feels the same way. It's possible she isn't aware the chemistry has faded, and you can both take steps to rebuild it. For example, you could try spicing up your sex life or having more hot dates.
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She finds excuses not to be alone with you. If she’s going out of her way to avoid you, that flag isn’t just red, it’s like, stop sign-red. This suggests there’s more to the problem than your sex life. If your girlfriend doesn’t want to be alone with you, it’s an indication there hasn’t just been a shift in your sex life, but in your emotional connection as well.
- Wanting to enjoy each other’s company in groups is perfectly normal, but if she consistently passes on one-on-one dates or cozy nights in in favor of group hangs, it’s worth checking in to see if something’s wrong.
- Keep in mind that if you’ve recently been spending a lot of time with her (for instance, if you’ve just moved in together), she may just need you to give her some space . This isn’t inherently a red flag, but it’s important that you both communicate your needs and expectations to one another. [5] X Research source
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She doesn’t make an effort in the bedroom. Maybe she says she wants to have sex, but she doesn’t seem super invested in your pleasure. She just lies there, or she doesn’t seem interested in what you want. If she doesn’t put effort into your lovemaking, it might mean she’s losing her sexual attraction to you.
- Sure, once in a while, she might just be tired or distracted, but if it’s a consistent issue, well, it’s a consistent issue.
- Make sure you’re paying a healthy amount of attention to her needs . That doesn’t mean you can’t want your own needs fulfilled, but make sure you’re as invested in her satisfaction as you wish she’d be in yours. [6] X Research source
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She doesn’t seem to enjoy sex. When you do get intimate, it doesn’t really feel very intimate at all. She doesn’t seem super into it, and she rarely orgasms. Even if her words say “yes,” if her actions say “no,” she’s probably not enjoying herself.
- Pay attention to her body language during, after, and when trying to initiate sex: if it’s closed-off or stiff, or if she resists making eye contact, it’s likely she’s not having a good time or not feeling close to you.
- Reader Poll: We asked 671 wikiHow readers what they would consider to be a genuine orgasm, and 52% said involuntary muscle contractions. [Take Poll]
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She’s started talking about other potential love interests. Have you noticed she’s started bringing up “Martha, from work” more than usual lately, or smirking whenever “James, from the co-op” is mentioned in conversation? If you suspect she’s developing feelings—or even just an attraction to—someone else, it could be a sign she’s losing interest in her current relationship.
- Avoid rushing to jealousy : crushes are pretty much unavoidable, even for the most devoted of couples. If her suspected crush doesn’t fade after a few weeks, though, it might be time to address it.
- It’s best to view this sign in conjunction with other signs: if she keeps bringing up other people and no longer seems interested in you, it might be a sign the relationship is on the rocks.
- The nature of her attention to other people also matters a great deal. Casually mentioning a coworker a few times is one thing, but checking out another person in front of you is a pretty big red flag.
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She prefers, ahem, taking care of herself to having sex with you. Lots of couples masturbate even when their sex life is going great, so don’t automatically assume that her engaging in frequent solo play means something is wrong. That said, if you find out she’s getting herself off on the regular but you haven’t had sex in a month, it might be time to wonder if something’s up. [7] X Research source
- This doesn’t have to spell doom for the relationship: maybe she’s having trouble engaging in the intimacy of sex lately, and it’s something you can work through together.
- Or maybe mutual masturbation is something she’d like to bring into your relationship and she isn’t sure how to ask.
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You’re always the one initiating sex. When one partner consistently initiates sex, it can take a toll on the relationship. It doesn’t inherently mean there’s anything wrong beyond your girlfriend’s failure to take the initiative, but it could be an indication she’s just not up for sex, especially if she regularly refuses your advances.
- There's a chance your relationship is just in a rut. Sex ebbs and flows in every relationship, and 2 people's libidos or needs may not always match up perfectly. Try waiting the dry spell out for a couple weeks: things may even out again in time.
- Before assuming this is the case, ask yourself if your attempts to initiate sex are clear enough. While some couples find it less sexy to ask for sex directly, the downside of trying to hint that you're "in the mood" (by flirting, kissing her, putting on a Barry White album, etcetera) is that your girlfriend just might not realize what your intentions are, even if they seem obvious to you.
- It's also possible she isn't aware of the imbalance or feels uncomfortable initiating sex for whatever reason, and it has nothing to do with you.
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She goes to bed before you. If she’s suddenly on a very early schedule and can’t stay up late with you, or if she’s always “too tired” to have sex when you try to initiate it, it could be a sign she's losing interest. Then again, she could just...actually be tired! This might not be a big deal if it happens once in a while, but over time, it can snowball into a larger issue.
- It's possible she’s just not into sex at the moment and doesn’t know how to say it.
- Maybe she really is just tired or on a new sleep schedule. Try going to bed at the same time as her once in a while: even if you don't fall asleep at the same time, going to bed together may increase your odds of getting intimate.
- If the situation doesn't improve on its own, it's worth delicately asking if anything's up. Lots of seemingly dire issues can be resolved with open dialogue, mutual respect, and love.
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Section 2 of 2:
How to Address the Situation
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Give yourself time to make sure you’re not overreacting. Make no mistake, we’re not saying to ignore the problem and hope it goes away, but it’s worth it to pause and reflect for a minute before bringing the problem up. Ask yourself if there’ve been any changes in your lives lately that might affect her sex drive or attitude towards you: has work been extra demanding for her lately? Has a loved one passed on, and she’s overcome with grief? Has she begun taking any medication that might affect her sex drive? [8] X Trustworthy Source Cleveland Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
- Poor mental health can do a number on a person's libido or desire for closeness. For instance, grief, stress, and depression can all have major effects on someone's sexuality, their ability to connect with others, or their self-esteem.
- If she's experiencing any problems related to her physical health, this can affect her sex life as well. Maybe she's been distant because she struggles with pain during sex, or maybe she's dealing with an unrelated ailment that's causing pain, discomfort, or exhaustion.
- Then again, it's possible that you’re just in a bit of a dry spell, and there's nothing to do but wait. If this hasn’t been going on for very long, stick it out a couple weeks and see if the situation improves .
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Assess your role in the situation. Often, when a couple’s sex life is on the rocks, it’s because another area of the relationship was on the rocks first. If your girlfriend isn’t feeling emotionally close to you lately, it’s possible she won’t feel much sexual attraction to you either. Consider if anything has happened lately to affect your emotional intimacy, or if she’s brought up any other issues in your relationship that you haven’t fully addressed.
- Be honest with yourself about your potential role in the situation: before assuming she's no longer attracted to you, ask yourself if you’ve been putting enough effort into your relationship , including your sex life. If she feels that you aren’t as interested as you once were, her interest might be waning too.
- If you have kids or live together, ask yourself if she’s seem overloaded lately with caretaking or housework: whether your responsibilities are balanced or not, picking up extra slack may help her feel more energized and in the mood for sex.
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Talk to her. If you take nothing else from this article, take this advice: address the situation with your girlfriend. Communication is the key to any healthy relationship. It’s possible that you’ll bring up your concerns and discover your worries are all in your head—or she’ll confess her attraction is waning, and you’ll be able to work towards finding a solution. [9] X Research source
- Have your conversation in a private, low-stress environment, like your house or while walking in the park. Make sure to initiate the conversation when neither of you has anything else lined up for the next few hours, especially important activities like birthdays or other celebrations.
- Bring up the topic gently and reassuringly: “Mariska, there’s something on my mind I’d like to talk about. I really love being with you, but I feel like there’s been a shift in our sex life lately.”
- When talking about a potentially tough topic, try to stick to “I” language : “I feel sort of rejected,” or “I wish we flirted like we used to.” Avoid language that might come off as blaming or recusing responsibility: “Why don’t you initiate sex?” or “You need to put in more effort.”
- Realize the reasons for her withdrawing from you may have nothing to do with you, but prepare yourself just in case they do. Take breaks from the discussion if you need to.
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Make new effort in the relationship. If your girlfriend confesses that her interest has waned because she feels you’ve been putting less effort into the relationship, this is your chance to work together to make things right. This might mean bringing some zest back into your relationship so you both feel valued and desired and to increase intimacy again , or seeking couples counseling to work through your problems with a professional therapist.
- Pretend you’re in your honeymoon phase again: flirt, go out dancing, get gussied up as if you were dating for the first time.
- But don’t discount the importance of deep emotional connection too: even if you’re already going out on plenty of dates and flirting a-plenty, if either of your emotional needs aren’t being met, your sex life will suffer. [10] X Research source
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Walk away from the relationship. Sometimes, if it feels like it’s broken, it’s because it’s broken. If you address the problem with your girlfriend and she denies there’s an issue or confesses she’s no longer invested in the relationship, or if you try to find a way through your problems and it just doesn’t seem to be working, it might be a sign it’s just not meant to be.
- Ending the relationship will hurt, especially if it’s good in a lot of ways. But you deserve a relationship that’s more than just sort of good. You deserve a relationship where you feel loved, respected, and desired. It’ll be hard at first, but it’s worth it. We promise.
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Expert Interview
Thanks for reading our article! If you’d like to learn more about relationships, check out our in-depth interview with Lauren Sanders .
References
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/myths-desire/201909/without-flirting-it-wouldnt-be-marriage
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/liking-the-child-you-love/201910/3-reasons-why-women-may-lose-their-sexual-desire
- ↑ https://safety.utk.edu/police/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2013/01/Signs-to-Look-for-in-an-Abusive-Personality.pdf
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/evolution-the-self/202103/projection-the-great-threat-intimate-relationships
- ↑ https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/relations/im-desperate-to-know-why-is-my-boyfriend-ignoring-me/
- ↑ https://www.insider.com/husband-ignores-my-sexual-needs-but-expects-his-what-advice-2021-3
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-future-intimacy/202102/when-people-still-want-sex-not-their-partners
- ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/5-reasons-women-dont-enjoy-sex-and-how-to-fix-them/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201406/5-tips-tough-conversations-your-partner
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