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Does he really have the hots for you—and if so, what does it mean?
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This article was reviewed by John Keegan
and by wikiHow staff writer, Dev Murphy, MA
. John Keegan is a Dating Coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. With over 10 years of professional experience, he runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health.
There are 18 references
cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page.
This article has been fact-checked, ensuring the accuracy of any cited facts and confirming the authority of its sources.
This article has been viewed 64,828 times.
Even the most committed married people get crushes from time to time, but they're usually harmless and fleeting. Occasionally, though, a married person might pursue an affair with someone they're attracted to. You might be picking up on some sexual tension with a married coworker or a friend's husband—but how do you know for sure he's into you? More importantly, is he going to do anything about it, or just wait until the feelings fade? Keep reading: we've created a list of common signs a married man is sexually attracted to you, plus how to tell if it's a harmless crush or if he's overstepping any boundaries.
Steps
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Crushes make people act awkward and flustered. Though he might want to come off a calm, cool, and confident manly man, if he’s really into you, he may struggle with his nerves when you’re nearby. His anxiety could take the form of fidgeting, blushing, or stammering—and, most importantly, he won’t act this way around other people (or not to the same extent).
- If he’s nervous around everyone , he might just be a nervous kinda guy. But if he’s otherwise fairly grounded, it’s possible he’s got the hots for you and it throws him off.
- His being nervous may indicate he's crushing on you, but it doesn't necessarily mean he's got any intention of pursuing his feelings. [1] X Research source It's hard to control nerves, especially around people we're attracted to. In time, his nerves will likely fade.
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Lip-licking is a subconscious sign he wants to kiss you. When you’re speaking to someone you’ve got the hots for, you might unthinkingly run your tongue over your lips. This is something lots of us do innately around attractive people to subtly draw attention to our lips and to prepare them for smooching (and maybe other stuff). If this guy licks his lips when he’s looking at or talking to you, he might be nursing a crush on you. [2] X Research source
- See also: lip-biting.
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Little touches may be his way of showing he wants to be intimate. Accidental-on-purpose arm brushes, high-fives, “friendly” hugs. It might be totally unconscious, of course, but if it happens a lot, and if he doesn’t seem to touch other people as much, it’s likely he’s into you. [3] X Research source
- If you're uncomfortable with his touches, let him know: "I'd prefer it if we didn't hug, thanks!" You can also dodge his hugs by subtly stepping out of the way when you sense he's about to come in for a landing.
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If he’s attracted to you, he may try to draw you in with his manly manliness. Check out his body language next time you're together: a guy who’s crushing on you may want to appear strong, bold, and confident in order to be attractive to you as well. He’s likely to adopt a powerful stance with his shoulders back and head held high. He may even puff out his chest like a real-life Johnny Bravo, or a puffer fish. [4] X Research source
- In fact, studies indicate displaying a dominant (but open) stance around your crush really works! People of all genders are more likely to find someone attractive if they seem confident but approachable. [5] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health Go to source
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“Manspreading” may actually be a subtle sign of attraction. It doesn’t only indicate that he feels relaxed around you, it’s a subtle way of showing he’s sexually attracted to you. He’s almost certainly not aware he’s doing this—in fact, displaying his crotch is probably a mating technique passed down from his ancient ancestors. [6] X Research source
- He might even subconsciously try to draw your attention to his genital region by putting his hands on or near his hips—he might put them in his pockets or stick his thumbs in his belt loops.
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Eyebrow flashing could mean he's got the hots for you. You might have already known that lip-licking or touching are big tells. But believe it or not, raising an eyebrow (or both eyebrows) is a pretty reliable sign that this fellow's into you, especially if he accompanies the action with an "Awooga."
- The only problem with eyebrow flashing is it usually happens within a fraction of a second, so you might not always notice it. [7] X Research source
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Breaking the personal space barrier could mean he wants to be intimate. If a guy is into you, he’ll get physically closer to you and point his body in your direction. He might bow his head toward you, like he wants to give you a tender little forehead kiss, or French you. He may subconsciously point his feet or belly towards you as well. [8] X Research source
- He may even be so bold as to encroach on your personal space by draping his arm around you or across your chair or desk. Getting in your personal space is a sign he wants to be intimate, and maybe even feels entitled to be.
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He may play with his hair out of nerves or to make himself more attractive. A guy who's into you might involuntarily run his hands through his hair when he speaks to you. He might smooth it back to make himself more attractive or put-together, but he might also mess with it because he's anxious or excited.
- It's not just hair: preening in general is something we do when we're attracted to someone else. If this guy likes you, he might touch his face a lot, adjust his hair, clear his throat, fix his tie...anything that he subconsciously (or consciously) suspects might make him look more appealing to you. [9] X Research source
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A guy who’s sweet on you may hint at it via flattery. He might start out with civil compliments, like “That’s a neat cardigan” or “You look good in purple.” These sorts of acknowledgements might not be anything to write home about, but if they happen a lot, or if he escalates his flattery to more overt flirtation (for instance, “Zoo wee mama, you sure are a bodacious beauty”), you’ll know he’s not just trying to be polite.
- There's a time and a place for different compliments, and compliments that might be appropriate in one setting may not be appropriate in another.
- For example, "I like that perfume you're wearing!" from a guy in your friend group might be a well-intended, friendly compliment (especially if he has no reservations saying so in front of his spouse). The same comment from a coworker may be more alarming.
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Scent is a powerful agent of attraction. We as a society focus a lot on our looks, and while appearances obviously play a big role in sexual attraction, don't discount the power of body odor. If this guy comments on your smell, it means a) he's close enough to sniff you (which is probably too close, TBH) and b) he may be responding to your pheromones, even subconsciously. [10] X Research source
- Appreciating your scent is one thing, whether it's your natural body odor or a fragrance you've applied, but commenting on it is a subtle way to let you know he likes being close to you, and, perhaps, that he'd like to get closer.
- He may not just comment on your scent: he might also rub his neck or chin to release his own pheromones for you to sniff in return. [11] X Research source
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If this guy’s jonesing for you, he’ll want to make a good impression. He might brag about all his accomplishments or take on difficult tasks with a shrug, as if they’re no sweat. Some very insecure guys might even try to “neg” you—in other words, they’ll put you down or deliver backhanded compliments in the hopes of making you desperate, and making themselves seem like more of a catch than they are. [12] X Research source
- He may even get jealous of other guys who show you attention, and try to make himself appear more impressive.
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Doing little favors for you is a sign he cares. Sure, he might just be Mr. Helpful. But if he prioritizes helping you over others, or if he consistently goes out of his way to do you favors, it’s likely he feels more for you than simple Good Samaritan-ness.
- If he only helps in ways that don’t take up a lot of his time or energy, he might just be a nice guy with solid boundaries. Or if he's a friend's spouse, he might be helping you because he knows his spouse would appreciate it.
- But if his favors for you are an imposition, it could be because he’s into you and wants you to notice and appreciate him.
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If you make him smile, he probably likes you. On its own, this isn’t a surefire sign he’s sexually attracted, but it definitely indicates he’s happy to be in your presence. In conjunction with the other signs on this list, it’s a pretty big clue he’s got a crush on you. In particular, an open-mouthed smile is a sign of sexual interest. [13] X Research source
- Observe if he smiles around other people or not. If he does, notice if his smile seems more genuine around you. Remember, an authentic smile engages the whole face, not just the mouth, and is likely to be more symmetrical than a fake smile. [14] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health Go to source
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If he’s always nearby, it might be intentional. If you’re friends, he might somehow always wind up sitting next to you at group hangs. In the workplace, you might realize he’s always on his lunch break at the same time as you, or he’s always taking bathroom breaks at the same time as you and chatting you up in the hallway. If someone has a crush on you, they’re likely to go out of their way to spend time with you. [15] X Research source
- Of course, there’s a pretty big difference between striking up a conversation in the elevator every morning and stalking you. If you ever feel uncomfortable with his behavior or feel as if it’s crossed a line, don’t hesitate to call the police and to reach out to friends and family for support.
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He may worry that his spouse will pick up on his crush if they meet you. It can be really uncomfortable to have your partner and your crush in the same room together: what if the spouse picks up on something? If this married guy finds it hard to conceal his attraction for you, he might—consciously or unconsciously—steer clear of you when his husband or wife is with him out of guilt or just plain awkwardness.
- If he’s interested in pursuing an affair with you, he may also not want to introduce his spouse to his affair partner (if you don't know them already).
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A guy who’s into you will want to learn more about you. If this man is attracted to you, he may be curious about your likes and dislikes, your weekend plans, and, in particular, your relationship history. If he pries into your personal life, it’s possible he’s got a crush on you, especially if he remembers details about you and asks follow-up questions: it shows he's paying careful attention and thinking about you when you're not together. [16] X Research source
- Only respond if you feel comfortable, and speak up if any questions are too personal: “Sorry, I don’t really feel comfortable answering that question.”
- Questioning on its own doesn't prove he's into you: if this man is someone you have to see regularly, like a coworker or another parent on the PTA, he might just be trying to bond as acquaintances.
- In the same vein, if he's a friend's spouse, he might want to get closer to you for their sake. In these cases, pay careful attention to the types of questions he asks: superficial questions are likely just chitchat, while personal questions may indicate a desire for intimacy.
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Lots of guys value being able to make their crush laugh. Ergo, if this dude is sweet on you, he’ll try to get you chuckling. We’re also primed to laugh more at people we’re physically attracted to, so if he laughs at your jokes, it’s a sign he’s into you.
- Studies indicate sharing a laugh together is a sign of mutual affection and a foundation for building intimacy. [17] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health Go to source
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Eye contact is an intimacy-building action. The eyes, as they say, are the windows to the soul. So when this guy makes eye contact with you, he’s trying to build a soul connection, essentially (even if he wouldn’t call it that). We make eye contact with people when we want to show them we see them and are interested in what they’re saying—or in how they look. So if this guy makes and holds eye contact with you regularly, you'll know he’s probably into you . [18] X Research source
- He might not even realize he’s looking at you as much as he is. We’re subconsciously wired to look longer at things (or people) we’re attracted to, especially if we’re busy with something else—like talking on the phone. Steal a glance at him next time he’s chatting on his cell and see how often he looks in your direction. [19] X Research source
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There's eye contact, and then there's outright ogling. If this guy regularly gives you the once-over, he's a) into you and b) apparently pretty shameless about it. [20] X Research source Having a crush is usually out of our control, but we can control who we, like, leer at. Anyway, if this married louche is making eyes at you every time he sees you, it's bound to make you (and his spouse, if they're there) fairly uncomfortable, so don't be afraid to shut him down with a "Like what you see??" Or just avoid interacting with him, if you can.
- If you know this guy from work and his leering is a regular occurrence, you might want to approach HR about his behavior.
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Flirting is a major sign a guy is attracted to you. You can be confident he's flirting if he playfully teases you or jokes around a lot with you. In many cases, light flirting is totally harmless and might not even indicate that he’s got anything more than an innocent crush. In others, it can be uncomfortable, especially if his flirting involves inappropriate jokes or physical touching, like tickling. If you’re ever uncomfortable with his behavior at all , don’t hesitate to tell him so.
- If this guy is a coworker and his attention makes you uncomfortable, consider reporting him to HR.
- No matter what, prioritize your comfort level here, but also consider that he and his spouse may not consider flirting with other people unethical. For some couples, flirting is no biggie, while for others, it's a form of betrayal. [21] X Research source
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If he gives you special attention, it's because you're, well, special. This guy might flirt with you till there’s no tomorrow, but if he treats everyone that way, it probably doesn’t mean anything. He might just be a flirty fella! However, if he only flirts with you, it’s likely you’re the object of his attraction.
- He may even do the opposite, and be friendly to everyone but you. If his feelings for you make him nervous or if he wants to maintain healthy boundaries with you, he might overcompensate by coming off inexplicably colder to you than to anyone else.
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If other people comment on his crush, it’s probably legit. It’s easy to feel like we’re just imagining that someone’s into us when all we’ve got to go on is our own gut feeling. So when your friends, coworkers, or other people who spend time around you and this guy make comments about how into you he seems or jokingly advise you to “get a room,” there’s a good chance it’s not all just in your head.
- If you know his spouse, pay attention to their behavior towards you as well: if they suddenly seem colder to you, they may have picked up on their husband's crush.
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If he’s sweet on you, he may not want to be reminded that he's married. Some people in relationships might go out of their way to talk about their partner around people they find attractive, perhaps out of nerves or as a subtle way of establishing boundaries. If your married guy wants to pursue an affair with you, he may be reluctant to talk about his spouse or his family around you: he may be trying to forget he has them to alleviate his guilt—or he may want you to forget he has them.
- It’s also possible that he’ll complain about his spouse or home life to you. He may think that showing he’s no longer invested in his relationship will make you more willing to go out with him. [22] X Research source
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Oblique allusions to cheating could be his way of introducing the possibility. There's nothing inherently wrong with having a crush when you're in a relationship. Lots of people in committed relationships develop crushes, but they don't do anything about them, and the feelings gradually fade. [23] X Research source But if this guy wants to cheat, make no mistake: he’s a trash can. To get a feel for whether you’d be up for a romp, he might ask subtle questions about your experience with infidelity or whether you would ever go out with someone in a relationship.
- You can field questions about infidelity by saying that you’re not comfortable with the conversation: “Let’s talk about something else.” Or you might set some boundaries by directly stating your opinions on cheating: “I think infidelity can be really damaging and just isn’t worth it.”
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The biggest hint he likes you is a direct confession. Most people in relationships get crushes at some point or another—it’s normal to be attracted to other people, and frequently unavoidable. But if this guy admits his feelings to you, it’s a sign he’s interested in pursuing something with you.
- We’re not here to tell you what you should or shouldn't do, but, uh, it’s probably best to not , unless you know he and his spouse are in an open relationship.
- If his attention makes you uncomfortable, it may help to distance yourself from him, if you can. If you're forced to interact with him (say, at work), try to keep things surface-level and as public as you can, and only talk to him when you have to.
- Reader Poll: We asked 500 wikiHow readers and 53% of them agreed that the best way to handle a married man showing sexual attraction to you is to avoid any interactions with him . [Take Poll]
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References
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/talking-apes/202111/why-crushes-are-so-common-and-healthy-all-ages
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/cutting-edge-leadership/201910/8-key-nonverbal-signals-of-sexual-interest
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-attraction-doctor/201603/4-ways-tell-whether-someone-is-you
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/199304/the-biology-attraction
- ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4839399/
- ↑ https://www.psychmechanics.com/body-language-crotch-displays-of-men/
- ↑ https://www.readersdigest.co.uk/lifestyle/dating-relationships/7-unspoken-signs-someones-in-love-with-you
- ↑ https://www.scienceofpeople.com/someone-likes-you/
- ↑ https://www.scienceofpeople.com/someone-likes-you/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/articles/199603/the-smell-love
- ↑ https://www.scienceofpeople.com/someone-likes-you
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-attraction-doctor/201308/can-insult-make-you-fall-in-love
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/cutting-edge-leadership/201910/8-key-nonverbal-signals-of-sexual-interest
- ↑ https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/16248497/
- ↑ https://www.scienceofpeople.com/someone-likes-you/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/why-bad-looks-good/201904/how-tell-if-someone-has-crush-you
- ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4779443/
- ↑ https://dukespace.lib.duke.edu/dspace/handle/10161/13571
- ↑ https://markmanson.net/the-levels-of-eye-contact
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/cutting-edge-leadership/201910/8-key-nonverbal-signals-of-sexual-interest
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/meet-catch-and-keep/202209/should-flirting-count-as-cheating
- ↑ https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2020/12/dear-therapist-i-had-affair-married-man/617361/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/talking-apes/202111/why-crushes-are-so-common-and-healthy-all-ages
About This Article
This article was reviewed by John Keegan
and by wikiHow staff writer, Dev Murphy, MA
. John Keegan is a Dating Coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. With over 10 years of professional experience, he runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health. This article has been viewed 64,828 times.
3 votes - 100%
Co-authors: 4
Updated: April 27, 2024
Views: 64,828
Categories: Love and Romance
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