How to Give & Receive Affection in a Relationship

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Experts weigh in on why affection is so important to our wellbeing
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If you want to show someone that you care for them, what do you do? People give and receive affection in many different ways. We talked to dating and relationship experts to better understand signs of affection, as well as what you can do to overcome difficulties in giving or receiving affection.

What are signs of affection in a relationship?

In a romantic relationship, signs of affection between partners may be physical—like light touching or kissing. However, there are many other ways to express or identify affection in relationships—e.g., giving compliments, helping with tasks, listening to each other’s perspective, and making time for each other.

Section 1 of 9:

25 Ways to Show Affection

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  1. When you tell the people you love how you feel about them, it touches them and strengthens your emotional bond. It might seem obvious, but it's also something that's easy to forget. Take the time to tell the people you love how you feel about them—they'll be so appreciative. [1]
    • You can also use terms of endearment to show the person that you love them—better yet, come up with your own nickname for the person that only you call them.
  2. 2
    Compliment the person for something they're good at. You likely already know that it feels good to get a compliment. But giving a genuine compliment also makes people feel good—literally! Studies show givers of compliments reap physiological benefits, too. [2]
    • Dating coach John Keegan recommends "just directly saying what you like about them… just stopping the conversation at a point that makes sense and saying those kinds of things."
    • Compliments based on their behavior or actions are usually more meaningful than compliments based on their appearance—although those can be great, too, in the right context.
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  3. 3
    Thank the person for something specific. When you express gratitude , it's definitely a sign of affection because you're telling them that you appreciate them. Expressing gratitude to your partner specifically increases relationship satisfaction as well as strengthening their commitment to you. [3]
    • Everyone loves to feel appreciated, and when you express appreciation for something directly, the person knows that you don't take them or anything they do for granted.
  4. 4
    Send an unexpected love note or card. A random note to let someone know that you're thinking about them or that you love them is always a great way to show affection and brighten someone's day. [4]
    • This works great if you want to write a cute love note to your sweetie, but thoughtful notes are also a great way to show affection to other people in your life, such as close friends, family, or coworkers.
  5. If there's anything better than a compliment, it might be overhearing someone compliment you to someone else. Make it clear that you're fond of someone by telling others something good about them, and they'll really feel special.
    • For example, if you're introducing your partner to someone, you might say, "This is my partner—remember, I was telling you just the other day what a great job they did with the garden this spring."
  6. 6
    Validate their feelings. "Healthy communication," licensed psychologist Dr. Sarah Schewitz explains, "involves validating your partner's perspective…So, even if you don't agree with it, you still have to find a way to understand where they're coming from. And that actually solves 70% of relationship problems."
    • Keegan clarifies that validating your partner "doesn't mean you have to always agree or go along with it but it's like, listen to this person, let the person be themselves."
  7. 7
    Turn your phone on silent when you talk to them. This simple act itself is a sign of affection because it signals to the person you're talking to that you're totally focused on them. Without distractions, you have a better opportunity to listen actively to your partner and spend quality time with them—both of which are key factors in establishing a healthy and loving partnership. [5]
  8. 8
    Carve romantic moments out of your daily routine. With a romantic partner, it's easy for the signs of affection to fall by the wayside as the two of you become busy with work and maintaining a household. However, creating small rituals of connection in your everyday lives can keep this from happening. It's easy to add a little affection to something you do every day, and that gives you a regular moment when you and your partner can always expect affection from each other. [6]
    • For example, you might start drinking coffee on the porch together in the morning—without your phones—so that you can talk for a few minutes every day without distractions.
  9. 9
    Follow up to show that you listen to them. When someone you care about mentions something coming up in a week or a month, make a mental note to check in with them about it. It's a sure sign of affection that you've gone to the effort to remember something important to them.
    • You might also use this opportunity to do something that would help them out with whatever it is.
    • For example, if your best friend mentions that they have a big test coming up, you might bring them a care package with snacks the night before.
  10. This way of showing affection is also referred to as "pebbling" after the mating behavior of penguins. When you pebble, you share things (typically songs, memes, photos, or other media over text message) that you think the other person would enjoy as a way to show them that you care about them. [7]
    • Essentially, the point of pebbling is that if you care about someone, you want them to be happy. When you see something that you think will make them happy, you share it with them.
    • Pebbling also shows that you've taken care to get to know them and their preferences really well (because you can tell when they'd enjoy something).
  11. 11
    Plan thoughtful, meaningful dates. Anybody can check movie theater showtimes or call in a reservation to a restaurant—but when you go out of your way to create a special experience just for the person you're with, you signal to them how much you care for them. A thoughtful, personalized date also demonstrates your commitment. It's not a date you could take just anyone on, after all!
    • A thoughtful date doesn't need to cost a lot of money, either. You could plan a date night at home and spend next to nothing.
  12. 12
    Hold their hand when you're walking together. Holding hands is a really powerful sign of affection that can actually help reduce stress. It does this by triggering the production of oxytocin, the same feel-good chemical your body releases when you're falling in love. [8]
    • In Western cultures, holding hands is typically considered a sign of romantic affection (unless you're holding hands with a small child).
    • In other cultures, though, adults often hold hands as a sign of platonic affection as well.
  13. 13
    Put your hand on their arm or leg as you're chatting. Research shows that just increasing routine physical contact can boost your satisfaction with your relationship—even if nothing else changes. Casually touching a person you love is a great way to show them affection that also includes health benefits for both of you. [9]
    • Some people like more physical touch than others, so it's important to have an honest chat about physical affection before you start touching someone a lot.
    • Keep in mind that someone's receptiveness to physical touch can vary depending on their mood, too. If you're not sure if they would be okay with you touching them, just ask!
  14. 14
    Hug and kiss them frequently. Hugs and kisses are often seen as more romantic signs of affection because they contain an inescapable element of desire. But even in a romantic relationship, not every hug or kiss needs to be sexual or even lead to sex—a tender kiss on the cheek is a beautiful way to show affection.
    • It depends on the person and how they were raised, but hugs are typically considered appropriate with friends and family as well.
    • Kisses are less universal signs of affection, although there are plenty of people who kiss friends and family (just maybe not on the lips).
  15. If your partner feels most loved and cared for through physical touch, giving them a romantic massage is the perfect way to express your affection for them. Massage also has wonderful physiological benefits, so you'll be improving their overall physical health and helping them lower their stress levels as well. [10]
    • You don't necessarily have to be a professional, but you might consider taking a class if you see one near you—it would be a great way to learn a new skill while also benefiting your partner.
  16. 16
    Sit or stand close to them. When you sit or stand close to someone, especially if you're talking or hanging out together, you'll incidentally touch them a lot. These little incidental touches can definitely be signs of affection, especially if you prolong them a bit.
    • For example, you might lean on their arm as you're making a point, then allow your hand to linger there.
    • They might also lean on you as they're saying something, and you could put your hand over their arm to reinforce and return that affection.
  17. 17
    Make them breakfast in bed. Breakfast in bed is a standard romantic treat for good reason—pretty much everybody loves it! If you really want someone to know that you care for them, getting up before they do to get breakfast and bring it to them is definitely a great way to do it.
    • Not the world's greatest chef? No worries! It's still a beautiful sign of affection even if you order delivery.
  18. 18
    Do chores or any repairs around the house. Doing tasks can definitely be considered a sign of affection, especially if you're doing something so the person you love doesn't have to! People always appreciate when someone else does something they need to get done, especially if it's a chore they'd been dreading. [11]
    • If you're doing things for someone as a sign of affection, it's usually a good idea to let them know that (at least at first). Sometimes, your motivation can get lost if you don't express it directly.
    • For example, you might say, "I took out the trash because I know it's a chore that you hate. I love you so much, and I don't want you to have to do anything that you hate to do!"
  19. 19
    Offer to help when they're struggling. Providing emotional support is one of the most meaningful ways that you can show affection to someone. They know you really care for them because you're willing to show up even when you don't stand to benefit in any way. [12]
    • Emotional support covers things like listening to someone vent after a long day at work or expressing empathy when they're going through a difficult time.
    • You might offer other types of support as well depending on the problem they face—but the purpose of emotional support is to show affection and give the person a feeling of hope.
  20. When you can anticipate what someone will need and take care of it so that they never have to worry about it, that's true love. They'll see that you truly view your relationship as a partnership because you're doing what you can to make their life easier.
    • The key to this is to step up and pitch in without them ever asking you—just make sure it's something that they'll be okay with you taking care of.
    • For example, if you know they always get their car detailed before business trips and they have a trip coming up in 3 days, you might take their car and get it detailed for them so they don't have to worry about it.
    • Just think of what your partner will need throughout the day and do what you can to make things easier for them. They'll see that you're thinking about them and that you care.
  21. 21
    Restock their favorite treats when they get low. This is a relatively low-key way to show affection for someone, but it's definitely something they'll notice over time and love you for. All you have to do is pay attention! They'll really appreciate knowing that they'll never run out of their favorite treats as long as you're around.
    • For example, if your partner enjoys eating popcorn while they watch TV in the evening, you might stock the pantry with multiple flavors.
  22. 22
    Celebrate special occasions with them. The key here is to remember little anniversaries of things that they might not even think about. It's a huge sign of affection if you surprise someone with a card in honor of the anniversary of the first time the two of you ever saw a movie together.
    • Take a minute to celebrate small victories as well! Even something as simple as finishing the laundry deserves a little celebration, and it's a great way to show affection.
  23. 23
    Pick up something for them when you're out shopping. If you're out and see something and it reminds you of them, that can be the ultimate sign of affection. Bring it home and let them know that you saw it and thought it was something they just had to have.
    • Keegan mentions that one of the love languages is "receiving a little gift, like if [your partner] is coming home from work, they pick up some desserts for the two of you."
  24. 24
    Send them flowers or candy "just because." While gifts of flowers and candy are always considered a sign of affection, for some reason they just hit different when there's no holiday or special occasion. If they don't have a sweet tooth, pick a treat they'll enjoy or something else that will bring a smile to their face.
    • There are so many different delivery services out there that you can actually get practically anything delivered, so get creative! The more personal, the more they'll know that you care.
  25. This is a way to layer on the affection because it shows both that you pay attention to them and that you were thinking about them even though they weren't with you. It does require you to know them well enough to know what they would usually get at various places, but other than that, it's a pretty easy way to show your affection.
    • For example, if you're stopping at a coffee shop on the way to their house and you know that they like vanilla lattes, you might just show up at their house with a vanilla latte for them without saying anything to them about it.
    • This can also take some of the guesswork out of whether you intend something to be a gift, especially early on—since you already bought it without consulting them, they don't have to worry that you're expecting anything in return.
  26. 26
    Make them a playlist of songs that remind you of them. This is a sign of affection that keeps on giving because they'll hear how you feel about them every time they listen. A great songwriter may be able to express your feelings better than you could do yourself.
    • You might also make them a playlist with a specific theme or for a particular event coming up in their life.
    • For example, if they have a marathon coming up, you might make them a running playlist to listen to during their race.
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Section 2 of 9:

Signs of Affection From a Romantic Partner

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  1. Signs of affection from an S.O. include quality time and physical touch. If you’re feeling unsure about your partner’s feelings for you, it can be comforting to have outward signs to look for that your partner is romantically in love with you. Fortunately, there are many ways that someone might show love and affection to their romantic partner—some of the most common include your S.O. wanting to spend as much time with you as possible and maintaining physical closeness through light touching, hugging, and kissing. Other signs of affection from a partner include: [13]
    • They ask about your day and show genuine interest in your response.
    • They trust you (i.e., they don’t need to snoop through your phone or know where you are to feel secure).
    • They help you out with chores or tasks when you need it.
    • They show respect for your beliefs and listen to your perspective.
    • They include you in both mundane and important decisions.
    • You catch them glancing at you or holding your gaze while you’re speaking.
    • They like to reminisce about your past memories as a couple.
    • They support you, stand up for you, and make you feel good about yourself.
Section 3 of 9:

Addressing Challenges in Receiving or Giving Affection

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  1. People find it difficult to give or receive affection for a lot of different reasons. If you have issues with affection, the first step to overcoming them is to trace the origin of those issues. Reasons people have problems giving or receiving affection include: [14]
    • Fear of vulnerability or rejection [15]
    • Anxiety or other stress disorders
    • Low self-esteem
    • Toxic masculinity [16]
    • Religious or cultural influences
  2. It could be that you're not receiving the love and affection that's being offered to you because you don't recognize it when you see it. Understanding better the way people around you show love and affection can make it easier for you to receive it. [17]
    • Likewise, people will be more open to receiving affection from you if they understand the ways in which you feel most comfortable giving it.
    • It can be a real bonding moment to talk to your partner or others who are close to you about the ways that each of you prefers to give and receive affection.
  3. Learning your love language is something a lot of people swear by when it comes to understanding better how you give and receive affection. As Schewitz explains, the theory of love languages "breaks down five different ways that make people feel loved and cared about." Love languages include:
    • Words of affirmation: Tell the person you love them, compliment them, thank them, send them a note or card, brag about them to other people
    • Quality time: Turn your phone on silent when you talk to them, make everyday moments romantic, follow up on things they mention in passing, share something with them that you think they'd love, plan thoughtful dates
    • Physical touch : hold their hand, touch their arm or leg as you're chatting, hug and kiss them frequently, offer a massage after a long day, sit or stand close to them
    • Acts of service: Make them breakfast in bed, do chores or home repairs, offer to help if they're struggling, anticipate their needs, restock their favorite treats for them
    • Receiving gifts : celebrate special occasions with them, pick up something for them when you're out shopping, send flowers or candy "just because," surprise them with their usual, make them a custom playlist
    • Other love languages have been proposed, including the 7 new love languages and the neurodivergent love languages .
  4. A psychology professional can help you better understand your relationship to affection and give you tools that can make it easier for you to give and receive affection. They can also guide your thoughts and help you unpack the reasons you have problems with affection so that you can heal.
    • It's up to you whether you want to go to individual counseling about this or go to a couple's counselor with your partner. Both could be beneficial, depending on the issues you're facing.
    • Because affection is so tied to the way you relate to your caregivers in childhood, many people benefit from family therapy to resolve problems related to affection. [18]
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Section 4 of 9:

What is affection?

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  1. Affection can be romantic or non-romantic—you feel affection for everyone from your significant other to your friends to members of your family. How your caregivers expressed affection to you when you were growing up has a lot to do with how you deal with affection as an adult. [19]
    • How you show affection and what types of affection you consider appropriate depends to a large extent on the culture you were raised in. [20]
    • Some signs of affection are only considered appropriate if you have romantic affection for someone, while others are appropriate for family and friends as well.
    • Clinical psychologist Dr. Lena Dicken notes that "having a conversation around understanding what makes somebody feel good and what feels good to you in a relationship can be very helpful in terms of just bridging that gap of understanding that news to happen for both parties to sort of feel good."
Section 5 of 9:

What does affection look like?

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  1. When it comes to affection, it's literally the thought that counts. Practically anything nice you say or do could be interpreted as affectionate—it's your intent that makes it that way. That being said, there are plenty of things that are pretty much always considered signs of affection, such as: [21]
    • Hugging or kissing
    • Saying "I love you"
    • Giving a card or gift
    • Holding hands
    • Cuddling with someone
    • Telling someone what you love about them
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Section 6 of 9:

Do people need affection?

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  1. As a young child, you develop attachment patterns based on how your caregivers show affection to you, and you tend to replicate this in your adult life. While this long-lasting impact makes it really important for children to get the affection they need, adults need affection too! [22]
    • Studies have shown that non-sexual physical contact, in particular, has unique benefits for people. It can improve their overall well-being as well as increase their satisfaction with their relationship.
    • Ultimately, humans are social animals. You'll have improved overall health and well-being if you feel loved, supported, and connected to the people around you.
    • "Different people feel loved in different ways," Dicken points out. For example, "some people don't really love physical touch and aren't really into it, and some people do," she continues.
Section 7 of 9:

Can affection reduce conflict in relationships?

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  1. At least one study has shown that when people hold hands while engaged in a heated discussion, they're more likely to approach the dispute constructively. Researchers speculate that the touch lowers the couple's stress levels and helps remind them that they're on the same team. [23]
    • Constructive approaches to conflict include taking responsibility for your own actions, validating your partner's feelings, and expressing empathy for your partner or their situation.
    • Couples who improve how they deal with conflict are more likely to have longer, more satisfying relationships.
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Section 8 of 9:

When is affection a red flag?

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  1. Sometimes, people use affection and affectionate behavior to manipulate others. Any time someone is acting affectionate but doesn't actually feel affectionate, that's a definite red flag. But how can you tell? Often, people who use affection in this way tend to be pretty over the top or come from out of nowhere. [24]
    • For example, if someone's telling you they're madly in love with you an hour after you've met them, that's a red flag. It's highly unlikely that they truly feel that way about you after an hour.
    • Essentially, if it seems ridiculous that the person would actually feel as intensely about you as they claim they do, then you have the right to suspect that they might be trying to manipulate you.
    • When you take manipulation to the extreme, you get love-bombing, where a predatory person essentially weaponizes affection and overwhelms their victim with it. [25]
Section 9 of 9:

Key Takeaways

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  1. As social animals, humans need to give and receive affection to and from each other throughout their lives. Affection also helps resolve conflicts in relationships. [26]
    • If you have problems giving or receiving affection, talk to your friends and family about it. They can help you uncover where your thoughts and feelings about affection came from.
    • A therapist can also help you unpack the issues you have with affection and suggest some tools that will help you give and receive affection in a healthy way.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/pieces-mind/201902/do-you-express-affection
      2. ↑ https://www.discovermagazine.com/mind/why-do-people-love-getting-compliments
      3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/attraction-evolved/201706/the-number-one-reason-people-find-it-hard-be-affectionate
      4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/pieces-mind/201902/do-you-express-affection
      5. ↑ https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC8320759/
      6. ↑ https://www.gottman.com/blog/3-daily-rituals-that-stop-spouses-from-taking-each-other-for-granted/
      7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/social-instincts/202407/pebbling-a-delightful-dating-trend-inspired-by-penguins
      8. ↑ https://bcmj.org/blog/science-holding-hands
      9. ↑ https://blogs.iu.edu/kinseyinstitute/2020/05/28/the-power-of-touch-physical-affection-is-important-in-relationships-but-some-people-need-more-than-others/
      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/changepower/201009/the-massage-habit-new-reasons-to-love-massage
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/pieces-mind/201902/do-you-express-affection
      3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/click-here-for-happiness/202304/how-to-emotionally-support-someone
      4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-at-any-age/201403/11-ways-to-tell-if-your-lover-loves-you
      5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/pieces-mind/201902/do-you-express-affection
      6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/attraction-evolved/201706/the-number-one-reason-people-find-it-hard-be-affectionate
      7. ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/why_friendships_among_men_are_so_important
      8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/platonic-love/202102/why-we-struggle-receive-love
      9. ↑ https://dictionary.apa.org/affection
      10. ↑ https://dictionary.apa.org/affection
      11. ↑ https://bcmj.org/blog/science-holding-hands
      12. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/pieces-mind/201902/do-you-express-affection
      13. ↑ https://blogs.iu.edu/kinseyinstitute/2020/05/28/the-power-of-touch-physical-affection-is-important-in-relationships-but-some-people-need-more-than-others/
      14. ↑ https://spsp.org/news-center/character-context-blog/embrace-conflict-affectionate-touch-improves-couple-conflict
      15. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/affectionado/201310/beware-of-toxic-affection
      16. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/affectionado/201310/beware-of-toxic-affection
      17. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/pieces-mind/201902/do-you-express-affection

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