11 Signs That You're Dating a Narcissist

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Learn how to spot a narcissist before you agree to the second date
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Going on a date with a total stranger can feel like a balancing act—you want to have a great time, but you also don’t want to get caught up with someone who’s outwardly charismatic but manipulative deep down (aka, someone with narcissistic tendencies). Although everyone who shows traits of narcissism is different, there are plenty of red flags you can keep an eye out for. [1] We’ve put together a list of 11 different ways you can spot a potential narcissistic personality on your upcoming date so you can make a safe, informed decision about your future together.
This article is based on an interview with our licensed professional clinical counselor, Jay Reid, LPCC. Check out the full interview here.

1

They plan every detail of the date.

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    Before the date even starts, they’ve already decided on a time, place, and every detail in between. Sure, some people prefer to plan ahead instead of deciding everything the day of—but it’s a red flag if they take this sense of control to an extreme. [2]
    • A careful planner might try to arrange the date ahead of time, but is ultimately willing to compromise with you on where and when the date will be. Someone who behaves in a narcissistic way, on the other hand, has a lot of trouble handing the reins over to another person.
    • This individual might even order your meal and drink for you, and give the wait staff extra details on how the food needs to be cooked. [3]
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2

They’re way overdressed.

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    Sure, there’s nothing wrong with picking out a fun, stylish outfit when you’re meeting someone for the first time—but someone who tends toward narcissistic traits will take their outfits to an extreme. For example, you might be dressed in a fashionable but slightly casual ensemble while your date rocks a suit, gown, or another fancy outfit. These people truly take “dress to impress” to a whole new level. [4]
    • Ultimately, someone with narcissistic qualities will want to create a great first impression by dressing up. [5]
    • They also like to be on a pedestal above the people around them, which also explains the need to dress up. [6]
    • Keep in mind that this trait likely stems from the deep insecurities that drive a person’s narcissistic behavior. [7]
    • You may think that they’re trying to show off, but they’re really trying to hide how inferior and insecure they really feel.
3

They need to have the best of everything.

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    Well-known for their sense of entitlement, people with narcissistic tendencies automatically expect the best seats, tables, and services. Pay attention to how they act on the date, especially when you arrive at a new locale. [8] They might:
    • Ask for a new table at the restaurant
    • Be picky over seats at the movie theater
    • Gripe when they don’t get the perfect parking spot
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4

They treat the restaurant staff poorly.

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    This behavior usually happens because the narcissistic individual actually feels deeply inferior to others. That doesn’t make this behavior okay, however, and you might get an uncomfortable front-row seat to their apparent arrogance as they lash out at a waiter or leave a poor tip at the end of the date. [9] You might notice that they:
    • Complain that their food wasn’t cooked properly
    • Ask the wait staff why the food is taking so long
    • Be curt and rude to the wait staff whenever they ask for something
Quiz

wikiHow Quiz: Am I Dating a Narcissist?

Only a mental health professional can diagnose Narcissistic Personality Disorder), but there are plenty of red flags you can look out for. Take this quiz to find out where you stand.
1 of 12

How did they act when you first started dating?

5

Their chemistry and charm are overwhelming.

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    Most people with diagnosed narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) are great at controlling the people around them, and won’t have any trouble making you feel comfortable and charmed after your time together. [10] Your date might even play the chivalry card by holding the door and grabbing your jacket once you reach your date location. [11] They might also:
    • Flatter you with compliments
    • Offer flirty comments
    • Describe how special you are
    • Just to be clear—there’s nothing wrong with someone being friendly and flirty on a date. Someone with narcissistic traits, however, will have their charm and flirtiness dialed up to 200%.
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6

They love-bomb you on the date.

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    These types of people approach the dating scene with their foot on the gas pedal, and make an effort to speed up the intensity of their relationship as soon as possible. [12] They might say things like:
    • “Wow, we might actually be soulmates.”
    • “I think I’m in love with you.”
    • “I can totally see myself spending the rest of my life with you.”
7

They take over the conversation.

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    Maybe you get to share one or two things about yourself before your date launches into story after story about themselves. [13] By the end of the outing, you feel like you’ve learned a lot about your date, but your date has learned very little about you.
    • As a general rule of thumb, each person should talk for 20-30 seconds before giving the other person a chance to speak. [14]
    • While there are obvious exceptions to this, it’s definitely a red flag if your date consistently dominates the conversation without giving you a chance to get a word in.
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8

They fish for compliments.

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    At their core, people with diagnosed narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) are very insecure and struggle with really low self-esteem. These issues manifest in a need for compliments and constant appreciation. [15] Of course, they won’t ask for compliments outright. Instead, they’ll make subtle comments, like:
    • “I must look like such a mess. I put this look together in 10 minutes.”
    • “I don’t think I’m pulling off this outfit very well.”
    • In making these comments, they're hoping you’ll say something like “No, you look great!” or “No, you’re rocking that outfit!”
9

They brag about themselves frequently.

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    Bragging is simply a means of getting that admiration from others, even when they’re on a date. They thrive on your reactions and will do anything to keep that praise and appreciation coming, even if that means bending the truth about their accomplishments. [16] They might brag about:
    • Where they live
    • The school they go/went to
    • How much money they make
    • Well-known people they’re friends with
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10

They’re constantly complaining.

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    Maybe your date complains about how their food is too cold, or how the music in the restaurant is too loud. Complaints are an easy, passive-aggressive way for them to center the conversation around themselves and their needs. [17] They might say:
    • “Wow, I can’t believe we’ve had to wait 10 minutes already.”
    • “This line for movie tickets is so long.”
    • “I can’t believe the waiter hasn’t stopped by. It’s been 5 minutes!”
    • Someone with a narcissistic personality may struggle with empathy and be genuinely unable to see things from other people’s perspectives. [18]
11

They don’t seem to have a great relationship history.

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    See if your date chats about their previous partnerships, or what they’re hoping to get out of a new relationship. Their typical relationship might go through multiple “cycles” or phases: idealization , where they jack up the intensity of the relationship; devaluation , where they treat their partner like a second-class citizen; and discarding , where they either break-up or separate themselves from the relationship. If you’re on a date with someone who’s demonstrating narcissistic behaviors, they probably don’t have a great, long-term track record with their past partners. [19]
    • Most relationships that involve someone with narcissistic tendencies will follow this cycle. In some cases, the person will go back to the “idealization” phase to get their partner hooked back into the relationship.
    • Keep in mind that getting out of a short relationship doesn’t automatically mean someone has narcissistic tendencies—and you should always avoid labeling someone as a narcissist unless they’ve been officially diagnosed. [20]
    • There are lots of reasons a relationship can go south—what you’re looking for is a pattern of negative behavior.
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      References

      1. ↑ Jay Reid, LPCC. Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor. Expert Interview. 7 August 2020.
      2. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/5-red-flags-and-blind-spots-in-dating-a-narcissist#6
      3. ↑ https://themindsjournal.com/first-date-spot-narcissist/
      4. ↑ https://themindsjournal.com/first-date-spot-narcissist/
      5. ↑ https://themindsjournal.com/first-date-spot-narcissist/
      6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201806/why-do-narcissists-need-outdo-everyone-else
      7. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662
      8. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/5-red-flags-and-blind-spots-in-dating-a-narcissist#4
      9. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662
      1. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/5-red-flags-and-blind-spots-in-dating-a-narcissist#1
      2. ↑ https://themindsjournal.com/first-date-spot-narcissist/
      3. ↑ Jay Reid, LPCC. Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor. Expert Interview. 7 August 2020.
      4. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662
      5. ↑ https://hbr.org/2015/06/how-to-know-if-you-talk-too-much
      6. ↑ https://www.psychalive.org/narcissistic-relationships/
      7. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/5-red-flags-and-blind-spots-in-dating-a-narcissist#5
      8. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/7-things-youll-never-see-a-narcissist-do
      9. ↑ Jay Reid, LPCC. Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor. Expert Interview. 7 August 2020.
      10. ↑ Jay Reid, LPCC. Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor. Expert Interview. 7 August 2020.
      11. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/diagnosis-treatment/drc-20366690
      12. ↑ Jay Reid, LPCC. Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor. Expert Interview. 7 August 2020.
      13. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/diagnosis-treatment/drc-20366690
      14. ↑ https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/marriage/find-out-about-being-married-to-a-narcissist/

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