How to Talk to Your Girlfriend: Daily, Deep, & Difficult Conversations

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Keep the conversation flowing with fun and serious topics
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Starting a conversation with your girlfriend can sometimes feel awkward or forced. However, there are plenty of easy ways to keep your communication fresh and healthy. Try to be genuinely curious and interested when you start a conversation with her. Choose a time every day to talk without distractions or interruptions. Ask her questions that require more than simple yes or no responses. Express your interest by sharing related experiences, by asking follow-up questions, and with your body language. Start deeper conversations by letting small talk naturally lead to more meaningful topics. Ask her about her dreams and future plans, and talk about your relationship. Avoid putting off tough topics, and start a difficult conversation by stating your feelings calmly, honestly, and clearly.

Ways to Talk to Your Girlfriend

  • Ask open-ended questions about her day to show you care.
  • Have a deeper conversation by asking about her dreams and goals.
  • Share your feelings honestly so you can build trust within the relationship.
Method 1
Method 1 of 3:

Starting Daily Conversations

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    Take some time every day to have a conversation with your girlfriend. Whether you have a phone or face-to-face conversation, try to find a daily time to dedicate your full attention to each other. [1]
    • Avoid checking your phone, surfing the web, or watching television when having a conversation with your girlfriend.
    • Keep in mind distractions aren’t only technological. For example, if either of you need time to zone out after school or work, give each other some space before starting an extended conversation.
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    [2] Avoid questions that call for simple yes or no answers. Ask her about her day, and try to show your sincere interest in learning about her life’s little details. [3]
    • Ask her things like, “What did you do at work (or school) today? How did your presentation go? What’s the most unique thing that happened to you today?”
    • Learning small, even trivial details about someone lays the foundation of an intimate connection. [4]
    • Asking your girlfriend about her job can be a great way to start a conversation. People usually enjoy talking (or venting) about work. [5]
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    Try to let your curiosity carry the conversation instead of just asking questions about things that you already know. Further, asking detailed questions doesn’t have to come off as nosy or intrusive. Don’t ask her questions in a way that seems rehearsed or paranoid. [6]
    • Make your intentions clear if she seems annoyed or asks, “Why do you want to know?” Say, “I’m not checking up on you or trying to nag, I just want to learn more about you.”
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    Make eye contact and nod to show you’re listening with interest. [7] When she talks about something or asks you a question, don’t respond with something like “Uh-huh,” or “Yeah whatever.” Listen to what she says, ask a follow-up question, tell her you support a decision she made, or share something about yourself that conveys you relate to her point. [8]
    • Expressing your interest and support, or “turning toward” your girlfriend, is crucial to maintaining a good relationship.
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    Keep the conversation balanced by talking about yourself, too. Try not to deliberately change the subject when you talk about yourself, but show her that you can identity with her experiences. Bringing up a relevant experience you shared together is a great way to strengthen your conversation. [9]
    • For example, if she says something negative, like that she got splashed by a car while walking down a sidewalk, you could say, “Oh man, I’m sorry, babe. Remember when we got caught in that downpour the first time we walked to the park in your neighborhood? We got so soaked, but I always laugh whenever I think about us holding hands and running to get out of the rain!”
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    If she talks about topics that are emotionally charged, make sure to be supportive of her and any difficult things that she brings up. For example, if she tells you about a fight she had with her best friend, then listen to her and let her know you are there for her.
    • Try saying something like, “That’s awful! I am sorry you had to go through that. What can I do to help?”
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Method 2
Method 2 of 3:

Having Deep Conversations

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    Starting a meaningful talk with forced conversation starters is awkward and could make your girlfriend feel like you’re putting her on the spot. Try to engage her in small talk, and let the conversation naturally progress into deeper topics. [10]
    • For example, you might start off by just talking about your days at school or work. You could then go deeper by asking her, “If you could change anything about your day, what would it be?”
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    Getting to know how your girlfriend thinks about the future will help you both get a feel for your relationship’s longevity. Early on in a relationship, understanding her hopes and dreams will help you get to know her better. As your relationship matures, knowing each other’s future plans will help you decide if you’re compatible in the long run.
    • Ask her things like, “Where do you see yourself in five years? What’s your dream job? Do you want a family someday? How many kids do you see yourself having?”
    • Think about your own answers to these questions, and share them openly and honestly with your girlfriend.
    • Don’t interrogate her. Try to keep the conversation two-sided and be willing to share answers to your own questions as well.
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    Have regular conversations about your relationship and share your respective feelings about its status. Start conversations by asking your girlfriend questions about how your relationship has progressed over time.
    • Ask each other, “What was the first thing that convinced you we should start dating? What are the biggest changes in me that you’ve noticed since we started dating? What are my strengths and weaknesses as a partner? Where can I improve?”
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    Try to keep a detached, calm tone when conversations about your relationship get deep. If you identify areas where you can both be better partners, keep an open mind and don’t take things personally. Focus on building a stronger relationship instead of criticizing each other.
    • If you want to tell your girlfriend about something she does that bothers you say, "Please don't think I'm just being critical for the sake of it. I care about you and our relationship, and I just want us build the best partnership possible."
    • If your girlfriend lets you know about something you can work on, take responsibility for it and, if necessary, ask for more information about how can you be a better partner.
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    Maintaining eye contact and nodding at appropriate moments are basic and essential ways of conveying your interest and attention. [11] Try to keep your body relaxed, but don’t slouch so much that you seem bored or disinterested. You should keep your arms and legs uncrossed, face the other person, and sit or stand at the same level so neither of you looks down on the other. [12]
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Method 3
Method 3 of 3:

Starting Difficult Conversations

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    It might seem easier just to let things work themselves out and put off having a difficult conversation. However, avoiding a tough topic just makes things worse. [15]
    • Instead, ask her to set aside time to talk about an issue. Say, “Hey, I know you’re upset about what I did the other day. I’d really appreciate it if we could take some time to talk about it.”
    • Keep in mind that putting off these difficult issues will only make matters worse over time and end up slowly poisoning the relationship.
    • Tell her, “I want to have a calm, open conversation about the issues we’ve been having,” or “There’s something I need to talk to you about, and I hope you’ll keep an open mind.”
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    Try to recognize when you stonewall, or when you resist opening up to your girlfriend. Try to think about your reasons, and explain them to her. [16]
    • Tell her, “I know I’ve been closing myself off to you. I’ve been reflecting on why, and I think it’s a defense mechanism. I’ve always been the type to put up walls and I hope you can be patient with me as I work through this.”
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    If she’s not opening up to you, try not to take it personally. Be empathetic instead of giving up or putting her on the spot. [17]
    • Be detached and understanding if she’s closed herself off to you. Say, “I don’t want to force you to talk about your feelings or put too much pressure on you. But I hope we can get to a point that you trust me with your emotions. I promise we can talk openly and calmly with each other about anything.”
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    When you start a difficult conversation, try not to shy around the topic. Whether you want to talk about becoming more intimate or have to work through a problem, share your intentions clearly and confidently from the start.
    • For example, say, “I’d like to talk about taking our relationship to the next step. How do you feel about intimacy and being physical with each other? Do you have any expectations about timing?”
    • Ask her, “Can we talk about when we hung out with your friends last night? I felt really left out. I don’t want to keep you from socializing, but maybe you can help me relate to your friends more when we hang out with them?”
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Conversation Starters

Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    What can I chat about with my girlfriend?
    Eddy Baller
    Dating Coach
    Eddy Baller is a Dating Coach and the Owner of a dating consulting and coaching service, Conquer and Win, based in Vancouver, Canada. Coaching since 2011, Eddy specializes in confidence building, advanced social skills, and relationships. Conquer and Win helps men worldwide have the love lives they deserve. His work has been featured in The Art of Manliness, LifeHack, and POF among others.
    Eddy Baller
    Dating Coach
    Expert Answer
    Asking your girlfriend about her job can be a great way to start a conversation. People usually enjoy talking (or venting) about work.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
    Thank you for your feedback.
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    Not Helpful 5 Helpful 8
  • Question
    How can I be confident and sincere?
    Eddy Baller
    Dating Coach
    Eddy Baller is a Dating Coach and the Owner of a dating consulting and coaching service, Conquer and Win, based in Vancouver, Canada. Coaching since 2011, Eddy specializes in confidence building, advanced social skills, and relationships. Conquer and Win helps men worldwide have the love lives they deserve. His work has been featured in The Art of Manliness, LifeHack, and POF among others.
    Eddy Baller
    Dating Coach
    Expert Answer
    Good eye contact will also help you come across as more confident and attractive. Also, don't forget to smile every once in a while if it feels right for the conversation. Just don't overdo it—smiling too much can come across as insincere
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
    Thank you for your feedback.
    If wikiHow has helped you, please consider a small contribution to support us in helping more readers like you. We’re committed to providing the world with free how-to resources, and even $1 helps us in our mission. Support wikiHow
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    Not Helpful 1 Helpful 8
  • Question
    How do I start a conversation over text?
    Cher Gopman
    Dating Coach
    Cher Gopman is the Founder of NYC Wingwoman LLC, a date coaching service based in New York City. 'NYC Wingwoman' offers matchmaking, wingwoman services, 1-on-1 Coaching, and intensive weekend bootcamps. Cher is a Certified Life Coach, a former psychiatric nurse, and her work has been featured on Inside Edition, Fox, ABC, VH1, and The New York Post.
    Cher Gopman
    Dating Coach
    Expert Answer
    Keep what you're talking about fun and light-hearted so your conversation doesn't get boring.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/relationships-and-communication#lp-h-0
      2. ↑ Cher Gopman. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 17 May 2019.
      3. ↑ https://files.nc.gov/ncdhhs/documents/files/dss/training/Open-Ended-Questions-.pdf
      4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-couch/201302/want-know-someone-better-the-datas-in-the-details
      5. ↑ Eddy Baller. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 7 February 2020.
      6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-couch/201501/6-surprising-ways-communicate-better-your-partner
      7. ↑ Cher Gopman. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 17 May 2019.
      8. ↑ https://www.hprc-online.org/social-fitness/relationship-building/validation-show-youre-listening-even-if-you-disagree
      9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-couch/201501/6-surprising-ways-communicate-better-your-partner
      1. ↑ https://www.toastmasters.org/magazine/articles/the-art-of-small-talk
      2. ↑ Cher Gopman. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 17 May 2019.
      3. ↑ https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/relationships-and-communication#lp-h-0
      4. ↑ Eddy Baller. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 7 February 2020.
      5. ↑ Eddy Baller. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 7 February 2020.
      6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201406/5-tips-tough-conversations-your-partner
      7. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/stonewalling-in-couples-when-you-or-your-partner-shuts-down/
      8. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/stonewalling-in-couples-when-you-or-your-partner-shuts-down/

      About This Article

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      If you’re struggling to start a conversation with your girlfriend, ask her open questions so she can’t just give yes or no answers. For example, ask her how her day was, then make eye contact and nod once in awhile to show that you're interested in what she has to say. Keep the conversation balanced by offering details about your own day, so she feels like you can relate to her her experiences. If she talks about more serious topics, like a fight with her best friend, let her know you’re there to support her emotionally, which will encourage her to talk to you about her problems in the future. When you want to talk to her about a more meaningful topic, start the conversation with small talk and let it develop into deeper subjects, since going straight into a serious topic can be intimidating. For tips from our co-author on how to talk about your future together with your girlfriend, read on!

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