How to Stay Emotionally Connected in a Long Distance Relationship

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Let’s face it: nobody likes being apart from the person they love. Long-distance relationships can be challenging, but they aren’t impossible. In fact, many long-distance relationships can be even stronger than those where partners live near each other. And it’s actually easier to make it work than you might think. To help you do it, we’ve put together a list of tips and strategies you can use to stay close and emotionally connected to your partner despite the distance that separates you.

1

Make regular communication a priority.

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    [1] You and your partner likely have a schedule full of work and other activities, which is why it’s important to include each other in your daily routines. Schedule set times to give each other a phone or video call so you can both organize your day around it and so you can look forward to communicating with each other. [2]
    • Try to find a time that works best for both of you. For instance, if your partner gets off of work at 5 p.m. and you have a break in between your classes at the same time, set up a short call with them so you can talk while you’re both free.
    • Life happens and sometimes things come up that may interfere with your scheduled call with your partner. No worries. Just make sure you let them know so they aren’t waiting around for you.
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2

Regularly remind each other what you love about the relationship.

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    Absence can make the heart grow fonder, but it can also make you miss someone even more! Talk about how much you love your partner. Mention some of the specific things that they do that you adore and that make you feel better. [3] It can help remove any doubt from each other’s minds and strengthen your emotional connection. [4]
    • For instance, you could say, “I always feel so much better after I talk to you. You know how to calm me down.”
    • You could also try, “I love your sense of humor. You get me. You’re my best friend.”
3

Be open about your thoughts and feelings for each other.

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    [5] Whenever you do talk to your partner, don’t withhold or hold anything back from them. Tell them about what’s going on with you and your life. Talk about any negative feelings or emotions you’ve been having. They may be able to offer words of encouragement or advice, or they may just be a great listening ear to help you vent your frustrations. [6]
    • If you’re feeling like your emotional needs aren’t being met, talk to your partner about it. Don’t try to bury your feelings down to try to make things work. Your partner may be able to help and give you what you need. [7]
    • Talk to your partner about everything going on in your life! Make them feel special and try to make the distance disappear. Tell them about your annoying boss, your goofy friend, and the crazy dream you recently had. Make them feel included.
    • Because you aren’t physically close to each other, sometimes words can be confused or misunderstood in a long-distance relationship. Ask for clarification if you aren’t sure you understand something your partner is telling you.
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4

Talk about the boring details, too.

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    Tell them about the traffic you sat in on the way to work. Talk about how your coffee order was wrong or your lunch was cold. Bring up the random article or piece of trivia you read online that day. Include your partner in everything you can think of and ask them to do the same. Share each other’s worlds with each other and you may not feel like you’re so far away from them. [8]
    • Sure, the big events of your day may seem more exciting, but intimacy can also lie in the little details, too.
5

Remind each other why you’re apart.

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    Whether you’re separated because of school, work, military service, or any other reason, you and your partner decided it was worth it. Whenever either (or both) of you are feeling down about being so far apart, talk about why you’re doing it and how great it’ll be when you’re finally reunited. Stay focused on the end date and it can help both of you stay close to each other. [9]
    • For instance, you could say, “I know it’s really hard right now, but once I’m finished with school we can be together and live wherever we want.”
    • You could also try, “I hate being away from you, but it’ll be over soon enough and it’ll be so worth it.”
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6

Set up virtual date nights.

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    Use technology to close the distance between you and your partner! Pick out a recipe, start a video call, and prop up your phone or computer on your counter so you can cook together. Choose a movie you both want to watch and start it at the same time while you’re on a video call, or use a plug-in like “Netflix Party” or “Google Watch Party” so you can watch it together. Or just keep it simple: set up a video call and just enjoy each other’s company for the evening. [10]
    • Try scheduling the date night a few days in advance to build anticipation and to give you both something to look forward to.
    • With the use of video calls, there’s really no shortage of romantic ideas for a virtual date! You could play video games together, have a happy hour, or even have a dance party of two.
7

Send each other gifts.

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    Gifts can actually help fill the space between you in a long-distance relationship and give you something tangible to hold and touch from your partner. Find something you think they’d like at a local shop or online. Mail it to them as a fun little surprise to brighten their day and show them that you’re thinking of them. [11]
    • For instance, if your partner collects rocks or crystals, you could mail them one to add to their collection. Every time they see it, they’ll be reminded of you.
    • A gift doesn’t have to be too expensive, either. It’s the thought that counts. A heartfelt gift will go a long way in strengthening the emotional connection in your relationship.
    Expert Answer
    Q

    How long should you go without seeing your long distance boyfriend?

    Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW

    Psychotherapist
    Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. She is the author of “Love Hacks: Simple Solutions to Your Most Common Relationship Issues” which details the top 15 relationship issues and 3 quick solutions to each. She is also the award-winning and best-selling author of “Thriving with ADHD”. Kelli co-hosted an advice show on LA Talk Radio and was a relationship expert for The Examiner. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.
    EXPERT ADVICE
    Answer from Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW :

    That depends. There's not a right answer for this, but it's always helpful to put a date on the calendar for when you're going to see each other next. This way, you'll both have something to look for, and that will act as an anchor for the relationship.

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8

Surprise your partner with a love letter.

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    Sure, it might be a bit cheesy, but cheesy can be fun! Write a sweet note about how much you love and care about your partner. Send it to them by snail mail and keep it a secret. They’ll love the surprise of a love letter and it could be a fun back and forth love-letter writing practice that you can enjoy together. [12]

Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    How do you know if a long distance relationship is not working?
    Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
    Psychotherapist
    Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. She is the author of “Love Hacks: Simple Solutions to Your Most Common Relationship Issues” which details the top 15 relationship issues and 3 quick solutions to each. She is also the award-winning and best-selling author of “Thriving with ADHD”. Kelli co-hosted an advice show on LA Talk Radio and was a relationship expert for The Examiner. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.
    Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
    Psychotherapist
    Expert Answer
    The only way to know is asking. I really believe that having a weekly check-in on the relationship is a great idea. Ask your partner things like, "is there anything that I can do to improve this relationship? Are things working for you?".
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      • Always be looking to the future to when you’ll both eventually be together. When times get tough, it can be a helpful reminder.
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      • Try traveling and taking trips together. It can be a fun way to get out and spend time together outside of your usual spaces.
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      References

      1. ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-teen-doctor/201805/5-ways-strengthen-long-distance-relationship
      3. ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.
      4. ↑ https://www.scienceofpeople.com/long-distance-relationship/
      5. ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.
      6. ↑ https://dating.lovetoknow.com/relationship-advice/what-not-do-long-distance-relationship
      7. ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.
      8. ↑ https://www.thecut.com/article/long-distance-relationship.html
      9. ↑ https://time.com/5316307/best-long-distance-relationship-tips-experts/
      1. ↑ https://www.thecut.com/article/virtual-date-ideas.html
      2. ↑ https://www.scienceofpeople.com/long-distance-relationship/
      3. ↑ https://practicalpie.com/the-psychology-of-long-distance-relationships/

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