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Breaking up is never easy. While crying is a natural and necessary response, you need to learn to live without your partner. Learn ways to stop the urge to cry. Remember what makes you the unique person you are.
Steps
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Cry one final time. Let yourself have one last deep cry. Let all your sadness out. Scream if necessary. Try to come to a point of final release. Keep in mind that you might need more than 1 good cry. It is okay to express your emotions and cry again as needed. Do not try to suppress your emotions about your ex because this is unhealthy.
- Consider journalling during your cry about all the feelings you are experiencing. Describe the things you disliked about your ex. That might make you less sad that you broke up. [1] X Research source
- Have a friend with you during your final cry. Hugging someone can help, as it causes your body to produce oxytocin, which helps you feel warmer and happier. [2] X Research source
- Don't try to suppress your emotions. Studies actually show that people who avoid grief and suppress their emotions take the longest to recover from loss. [3]
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Expert Source
Amy Chan
Breakup & Healing Coach Expert Interview. 1 May 2019. - Reader Poll: We asked 168 wikiHow readers to tell us how they prefer to recover after they’ve had a big cry, and 67% of them agreed that it’s most helpful to let themselves rest by taking extra time to sleep. [Take Poll]
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Remove trigger items. A trigger is something that will cause an emotional reaction when you see/hear/or smell it and will remind you of your ex. [4] X Research source It could be anything from a piece of clothing or a bottle of perfume or cologne, certain music or songs, notes, drawings, ticket stubs, photographs – anything that reminds you of your ex. Put away, donate, or dispose of these things. [5] X Research source [6] X Expert Source Amy Chan
Breakup & Healing Coach Expert Interview. 1 May 2019.- Removing triggers will help you move forward and heal, as the reaction to a trigger item is often involuntary. You could be feeling great and positive and then smell your ex's perfume and experience the pain anew. [7] X Research source
- While you might want to keep some mementos, put these in a box and out of sight.
- If you used to live with your ex, consider rearranging your furniture or change out the soft furnishings. Simplify the things in your home and metaphorically make space for the new to come in. [8]
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Expert Source
Amy Chan
Breakup & Healing Coach Expert Interview. 1 May 2019.
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Remove the person from your social media and contact lists. Unless you broke up on very good terms, consider “de-friending” your ex on Facebook or putting him/her on limited profile. Seeing constant updates about your ex will not make you feel better and might bring on tears. You also might consider removing his/her contact information from your phone. This will prevent you from texting or calling the person during moments of weakness. [9] X Expert Source Amy Chan
Breakup & Healing Coach Expert Interview. 1 May 2019. -
Practice deep breathing. When you feel like another bout of crying is coming, try breathing very deeply from your diaphragm. Breathe in for a count of five and then exhale for five seconds, making a “ts” sound. This process will calm your body.
- See Stop Yourself from Crying for more physical tips on how to stop crying.
- Try the 4-7-8 breathing technique, where you breathe through your nose for 4 seconds, hold your breath for 7 seconds, and exhale through your mouth for 8 seconds. Repeat this exercise 3-4 times in a row. [10]
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Expert Source
Amy Chan
Breakup & Healing Coach Expert Interview. 1 May 2019.
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Stop ruminating. No matter how tempting it is to rehash every detail of your relationship and/or breakup, resist the urge. Instead, practice living in the moment . Reflect also on what you have learned from the breakup. As you cannot repair the relationship, let go of your attachment to it.
- Go for a long run in a scenic place.
- Take a walk around your neighborhood and inhale the scents of the bakery. Listen to people chatting over coffee. Watch the changing leaves or blooming flowers.
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Smile. Although this sounds very simple, studies have shown that by making positive facial expressions, people can actually feel happier. [11] X Research source Even though you might feel like crying, smile and see if you feel better.
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Learn to avoid crying spells before they begin. If your crying is triggered by painful thoughts or memories, there are things you can do to combat those feelings. Learning to self-soothe, or comfort yourself, can help you stay calm and keep your bad feelings from overwhelming you. [12] X Research source Try some of these techniques when you find yourself feeling down or flooded with painful memories:
- Use affirmations. An affirmation is a way to remind yourself that you have value even when you're feeling down. Say these out loud, quietly, or simply write them down. Some examples are:
- I deserve to be happy.
- I deserve to be loved and appreciated.
- I am more than my sadness.
- Things will get better and I will be happy again.
- Pamper yourself with a warm bath or massage. [13] X Research source
- Watch a funny movie, TV show, or clips on online. [14] X Research source
- Listen to relaxing music. [15] X Research source
- Relax in the warmth of the sun. [16] X Research source
- Play with or pet an animal. [17] X Research source
- Eat a comforting meal. [18] X Research source
- Get lost in your favorite book. [19] X Research source
- Use affirmations. An affirmation is a way to remind yourself that you have value even when you're feeling down. Say these out loud, quietly, or simply write them down. Some examples are:
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Spend time with loved ones. Oftentimes, we feel sadder when we are alone. After your break-up, make a point of visiting your friends and family. [20] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source Perhaps ask a friend to visit you and bring a funny movie. Alternatively, you could dress up and go to dinner with a group of friends. Being in public will help you cry less. When you remember what joy and laughter feel like, you can start to feel better.
- When socializing after your “final cry,” try to avoid bringing up your ex in conversation. While you certainly should share your feelings with your closest friends, constantly harping on your breakup will make you sadder.
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Join a new activity. When your life has been wrapped up in one person for a long time, it is easy to forget who you are. By joining new activities, whether a sport, club, or musical group, you can craft a new part of your identity. [21] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source This part of you will not include any memories of your ex. Additionally, if you find some new friends, they won't know you as part of a relationship. They will just get to know you for you.
- Activities like salsa or swing dance are particularly good. Not only will you learn new skills and exercise but you will meet new people and have platonic physical contact. This can be very important when you are used to having someone to touch.
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Exercise. [22] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source Although you might feel like staying home, leave the house and take a walk or run. Ride your bike or swim. By doing some exercise, your body will release endorphins. This will make you both happier and healthier.
- When we face extreme emotion, our body is flooded with adrenaline and our heart rate skyrockets. Exercise can help knock you out of that nervous state. [23]
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Expert Source
Amy Chan
Breakup & Healing Coach Expert Interview. 1 May 2019.
- When we face extreme emotion, our body is flooded with adrenaline and our heart rate skyrockets. Exercise can help knock you out of that nervous state. [23]
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Expert Source
Amy Chan
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Consider changing your style. One way to feel refreshed is to get a new haircut. You might enjoy being pampered at a salon. Sometimes telling a new or trusted hair stylist about your breakup can be cathartic. Updating your glasses or clothing choices is another option. When so much of yourself is associated with your ex, it can be beneficial to make small changes that make you feel better. Additionally, you might feel that even though your emotions are out of control, you control your style and can still feel confident and good. [24] X Research source
- Getting to reinvent yourself is one of the most exciting things about being single. [25]
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Expert Source
Amy Chan
Breakup & Healing Coach Expert Interview. 1 May 2019.
- Getting to reinvent yourself is one of the most exciting things about being single. [25]
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Expert Source
Amy Chan
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Make healthy choices. Avoid drug or alcohol use. Although it is tempting to use substances to alleviate the pain you are feeling, refrain from doing so. [26] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source Right now, you might be feeling vulnerable and you would not want to over-use any substances. Instead, seek your comfort foods (though not in excess). Food with serotonin also can boost your happiness levels. Good foods would be bananas, yogurt, turkey, eggs, nuts, cheese, or beans. [27] X Research source
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionWhy does a break-up hurt so badly?Amy Chan is a Relationship Coach based in New York, New York. She is the Founder of Renew Breakup Bootcamp, a retreat that takes a scientific and spiritual approach to healing after the end of a relationship. She has over 12 years of experience helping clients work on their relationships with strategies rooted in the psychology and science of relationships and personal development. Her team of psychologists and coaches at Renew Breakup Bootcamp has helped hundreds of individuals in just 7 years of operation, and the Bootcamp has been featured on CNN, Vogue, the New York Times, and Fortune. Her book based on her work, Breakup Bootcamp, was published in 2020 and was featured by the New York Times.Mourning the loss of a relationship can feel much like grieving someone who passed away. There are various stages of separation—from shock, denial, depression, anger, bargaining, relapse, and acceptance. Healing from a heartbreak is not one linear line.
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Warnings
- Avoid communicating with your ex. Unless you have a necessary reason (e.g. childcare arrangements), try to limit contact.Thanks
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References
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-mysteries-love/201503/top-10-ways-get-over-breakup
- ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/03/27/health-benefits-of-huggin_n_5008616.html
- ↑ Amy Chan. Breakup & Healing Coach. Expert Interview. 1 May 2019.
- ↑ http://psychcentral.com/lib/what-is-a-trigger/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-mysteries-love/201503/top-10-ways-get-over-breakup
- ↑ Amy Chan. Breakup & Healing Coach. Expert Interview. 1 May 2019.
- ↑ http://psychcentral.com/lib/what-is-a-trigger/
- ↑ Amy Chan. Breakup & Healing Coach. Expert Interview. 1 May 2019.
- ↑ Amy Chan. Breakup & Healing Coach. Expert Interview. 1 May 2019.
- ↑ Amy Chan. Breakup & Healing Coach. Expert Interview. 1 May 2019.
- ↑ http://web.psych.ualberta.ca/~varn/bc/Kleinke.htm
- ↑ http://ptsd.about.com/od/selfhelp/a/selfsoothe.htm
- ↑ http://ptsd.about.com/od/selfhelp/a/selfsoothe.htm
- ↑ http://ptsd.about.com/od/selfhelp/a/selfsoothe.htm
- ↑ http://ptsd.about.com/od/selfhelp/a/selfsoothe.htm
- ↑ http://ptsd.about.com/od/selfhelp/a/selfsoothe.htm
- ↑ http://ptsd.about.com/od/selfhelp/a/selfsoothe.htm
- ↑ http://ptsd.about.com/od/selfhelp/a/selfsoothe.htm
- ↑ http://ptsd.about.com/od/selfhelp/a/selfsoothe.htm
- ↑ http://www.helpguide.org/articles/family-divorce/coping-with-a-breakup-or-divorce.htm
- ↑ http://www.helpguide.org/articles/family-divorce/coping-with-a-breakup-or-divorce.htm
- ↑ http://www.helpguide.org/articles/family-divorce/coping-with-a-breakup-or-divorce.htm
- ↑ Amy Chan. Breakup & Healing Coach. Expert Interview. 1 May 2019.
- ↑ http://thoughtcatalog.com/joy-swain/2015/01/reasons-why-we-cut-our-hair-after-a-breakup/
- ↑ Amy Chan. Breakup & Healing Coach. Expert Interview. 1 May 2019.
- ↑ http://www.helpguide.org/articles/family-divorce/coping-with-a-breakup-or-divorce.htm
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-mysteries-love/201503/top-10-ways-get-over-breakup
About This Article
Article Summary
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Breakups are really hard, but there are some steps you can take to move on so you can stop crying over your ex. Hide any reminders of your ex, like photographs and gifts they got you, so they won’t trigger negative feelings. Block or at least unfollow them from social media so you don’t see their posts in your feeds. Try to distract yourself with something you normally enjoy, like watching a movie, cooking a meal, or doing something creative. It’s much easier for your mind to wander when you’re not doing anything, so focusing on an activity can really help. You can also try exercising more. Exercise releases endorphins, which make you feel better. For more tips from our co-author, including how to use deep breathing to feel better when you're sad, read on!
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