How to Stop Emotionally Abusing Others

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Emotional abuse can take many different forms, from narcissism to manipulation, from verbal to physical abuse. Whatever kind of abuse you are enacting on others, there are many methods to begin to take steps toward being less abusive. Admitting your abusive behavior and beginning to make amends with those you have abused will help you resolve past abuse as well as stop potential future abuse.

Part 1
Part 1 of 3:

Addressing the Problem

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  1. Recognizing the problem and admitting that you are emotionally abusing others is the first step toward being able to change your behavior. Taking time to try and see the effects your abuse has on others will help you realize the extent to which you are being abusive. [1]
    • If you are unsure if your behavior is emotionally abusive, look at ways in which emotional abuse can be identified. Examples can include violent and aggressive language, such as name calling, yelling, and shaming; controlling behaviors, such as intimidation, threats, or monitoring and withholding money; or physical abuse, such as withholding food or water, or hitting, shoving, and pushing.
    • Contact the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence immediately if your abusive behavior involves physical violence against a family member or spouse. [2]
    • Keep in mind that many people who abuse other people have been abused themselves. You might consider talking with a therapist about your experiences to help you move past what has happened to you and stop treating other people the same way.
    • Oftentimes, you can notice that you're abusing people when your relationships and even your professional life starts breaking down because of the ways you treat others. [3]
  2. Identifying the source of abusive behavior will help you understand where the stress or pressure causing the abuse is coming from. The person you act angry toward or abuse emotionally may not be the problem, but only the victim. If you have problems in your life that you feel are beyond your control, you may lash out at an easy, convenient target, even one that has nothing to do with your real problem. [4]
    • For instance, perhaps it might really upsets you when people give you feedback, because deep down inside you're afraid you're worthless despite knowing it's not really true. [5]
    • Take time to think about what other elements in your life are causing you stress, like work, conflict with a loved one or spouse, or financial issues.
    • Ask yourself questions like “Am I under too much pressure at work,” “Do I have any unresolved conflicts that follow me around,” or “Are there moments in my past that might be affecting my current behavior?”
    • Consider whether you are engaging in drug or alcohol use. Using substances can contribute to abusive behavior.
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  3. Once you’ve identified the source or cause of your abuse you can begin to take steps removing it from your life. Although removing this source might feel like a relief, there are still many other behaviors and effects that need addressing in order to completely stop emotionally abusing others. [6]
    • Talk about quitting your job with a friend or family member if your work is causing too much stress.
    • Seek financial advice from a financial planner if you are struggling with debt or making ends meet.
    • If you suspect the source of your abusive behavior stems from an unresolved conflict or past trauma seek out help from a therapist or counselor.
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Part 2
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Changing Your Behavior

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  1. Taking time to sit down with those who you have emotionally abused to hear their experience will help you gain perspective on how you being emotionally abusive and what the abuse’s effects were. Listening to those you have abused may often feel like an attack or accusation in itself. Rather than responding with more abuse, try to listen without an immediate response. [7]
    • Listen to others without becoming to defensive or making excuses. [8] Keep in mind that it is normal to feel defensive, but if the other person was hurt by your behavior, then it is abuse.
    • Try to avoid equalizing, minimizing, or denying their experience. [9]
    • Don’t make yourself the center of their story or experience. [10]
  2. Hold yourself responsible and accountable for all the emotional abuse you’ve caused throughout a relationship. Although there may be many different sources or causes, you are the only one who could prevent you abusing another. Taking responsibility and holding yourself accountable for abuse takes a lot of courage and is necessary to begin moving forward with understanding and changing your abusive behavior. [11]
    • When discussing abuse, try using “I” statements like “I was too controlling when I wouldn’t let you leave the house without me,” or “What did it feel like when I was controlling?”
  3. Do not expect pity from people who you have abused at this point, but be willing to ask for support from trusted friends and family members. Being accountable and taking responsibility for the abuse you’ve caused is not about others forgiving you, but about changing yourself and respecting others. Those who you have abused may not be in a place to be able to forgive you, and trying to use your accountability to gain the forgiveness of another can be seen as an extension of the abusive dynamic. [12]
    • Remember, nobody has to forgive you. Forgiveness takes time and should be allowed space.
    • If, after you're forgiven you sometimes still feel like responding to comments from friends angrily, try to focus instead on using empathy, curiosity, and openness to try to understand where the other person is coming from. [13]
  4. Admitting responsibility and accountability is about self help, learning how and why we have harmed others, and learning how to stop. Although those you have abused may not be ready to forgive you, forgiving yourself will allow you to move beyond your abusive tendencies and leave abuse in the past. [14]
    • Reminder yourself of your commitment to change by telling yourself affirmations like, “Abusing others is a choice and I am going to do my best to change my behavior,” or “I can change my behaviors with patience, the right help, and hardwork.”
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Part 3
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Getting Help

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  1. There are many different specialized types of therapy, from cognitive behavioral therapy to group therapy, family therapy to journal therapy. Find a therapist best suited to the type of therapy you think will be most useful to you.
    • Life coaches can also provide consistent long term strategies for self improvement, although some are not trained to deal with more severe types of behavioral or physical abuse.
    • Try cognitive behavioral therapy if you would like help processing traumatic experiences, such as previous abuse, loss of a loved one, or feeling disconnected from others, that might be causing abuse.
    • Try family or group therapy if your abuse is occurring within your relationships with your spouse, children, or siblings.
    • You can also look into support groups. Try looking to Emotions Anonymous to learn how to cope with difficult emotions. [15]
  2. Seeking advice from your friends and family can help you gain perspective and support during your time when you are addressing your abusive behaviors. Friends and family can provide essential support toward self-betterment and self-help.
    • Schedule weekly calls with a friend or family member to check in on your progress in therapy, conversations with those you have abused, or your general well-being.
    • Be sure to seek out those who you feel comfortable being honest with about your abuse.
  3. If the abuse you are enacting on others is physical, reach out to domestic abuse help agencies, like the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, to find out your next best course of action. The NCADV also offers access to support groups and informational resources regarding intervention. [16]
    • Domestic abuse needs immediate attention and may require lawful intervention. Seek out the NCADV or local law enforcement to quickly address physical abuse.
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  • Question
    How can we stop the emotional abuse cycle?
    Jay Reid, LPCC
    Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor
    Jay Reid is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor (LPCC) in private practice in San Francisco, CA. He specializes in helping clients who have survived a narcissistic parent or partner. Treatment focuses upon helping clients identify and challenge self-diminishing beliefs as a result of narcissistic abuse. Jay holds a BA in Psychology from the University of Pennsylvania and an MS in Clinical Psychology from Penn State University.
    Jay Reid, LPCC
    Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor
    Expert Answer
    Acknowledge when you're experiencing problems in your relationships or professional life because of the ways you are treating or being treated by others. If you're the one wronging others, think about why you're motivated to behave that way—for instance, maybe when people give you feedback, it makes you angry because it makes you think they see you as inferior. The challenge is to manage these perceived insults or wounds with empathy and openness, so you can understand where the other person is coming from.
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    Not Helpful 1 Helpful 5
  • Question
    I've recently noticed that I am emotionally abusive to my boyfriend. I get upset too quickly and lash out on him for simple things. I want to control myself. What can I do?
    Paul Chernyak, LPC
    Licensed Professional Counselor
    Paul Chernyak is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Chicago. He graduated from the American School of Professional Psychology in 2011.
    Paul Chernyak, LPC
    Licensed Professional Counselor
    Expert Answer
    You should determine why you are abusive towards him first. Write it out if possible and try to redirect your anger elsewhere or change the things that make you upset. If he makes you upset, then it's time to have a direct conversation with him about the relationship.
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  • Question
    My wife is chronically ill and she has her own PTSD and anger issues, but I use my PTSD and anger issues to be abusive. How can I stop this cycle?
    Paul Chernyak, LPC
    Licensed Professional Counselor
    Paul Chernyak is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Chicago. He graduated from the American School of Professional Psychology in 2011.
    Paul Chernyak, LPC
    Licensed Professional Counselor
    Expert Answer
    You have already started by acknowledging your abuse issues. It would be helpful to see a therapist and engage in family therapy with your wife to break the mutually abusive cycle.
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      References

      1. ↑ http://everydayfeminism.com/2016/02/be-accountable-when-abusive/
      2. ↑ http://www.ncadv.org/
      3. ↑ Jay Reid, LPCC. Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor. Expert Interview. 7 Aug 2020.
      4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/anger-in-the-age-entitlement/201004/are-you-emotionally-abusive
      5. ↑ Jay Reid, LPCC. Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor. Expert Interview. 7 Aug 2020.
      6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/anger-in-the-age-entitlement/201004/are-you-emotionally-abusive
      7. ↑ http://everydayfeminism.com/2016/02/be-accountable-when-abusive/
      8. ↑ http://everydayfeminism.com/2016/02/be-accountable-when-abusive/
      9. ↑ http://everydayfeminism.com/2016/02/be-accountable-when-abusive/
      1. ↑ http://everydayfeminism.com/2016/02/be-accountable-when-abusive/
      2. ↑ http://everydayfeminism.com/2016/02/be-accountable-when-abusive/
      3. ↑ http://everydayfeminism.com/2016/02/be-accountable-when-abusive/
      4. ↑ Jay Reid, LPCC. Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor. Expert Interview. 7 Aug 2020.
      5. ↑ http://everydayfeminism.com/2016/02/be-accountable-when-abusive/
      6. ↑ http://emotionsanonymous.org/
      7. ↑ http://www.ncadv.org/

      About This Article

      Article Summary X

      If you want to stop emotionally abusing other people, you’ll need to be dedicated to learning from your victims and seeking outside help. If possible, take time to speak with someone you’ve emotionally abused and ask them about the experience. As you listen, avoid minimizing or denying their experience by getting emotional or acting like they’re attacking you. Instead, take responsibility for your actions. Opt for “I” statements like “I was too controlling when I wouldn’t let you leave the house without me” to make it clear you’re taking the blame. In addition to gaining perspective from those you’ve hurt, seek out the help of a professional therapist or counselor who can help you learn strategies for self-improvement. To learn more from our co-author, like how to forgive yourself, read on.

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