Back with Your Ex? 10 Tips for Taking It Slow and Getting a Fresh Start

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Congrats on getting back together with your ex! Rekindling a romance is fun and exciting, and you're likely picturing the happy future you'll have together. At the same time, you want your love to last forever. Taking it slow can really help you build a stable, healthy relationship that lasts long into the future. Fortunately, it’s really easy to slow things down. We’ve compiled a list of ways you can create a steady pace with your ex.

1

Treat the relationship like it’s new.

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    Leave your old relationship in the past because it wasn’t working. Don’t immediately jump into old routines or rush into being affectionate. Instead, act like you would if you just met him. [1]
    • For example, let’s say you and your ex spent all weekend together every week before you broke up. Don’t rush back to that. Start slow by spending a few hours together on the weekend.
    • Similarly, let’s say your old relationship involved a lot of hooking up. That doesn’t mean you should start hooking up again right away. Take your time.
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2

Set some healthy relationship boundaries.

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    Tell him what you expect out of this relationship, then listen to what he wants. Decide what boundaries you both want to set to help slow down your relationship. [2] Here are some boundaries you could discuss:
    • Physical intimacy: What type of intimacy are you both okay with at this point? Is holding hands okay? What about kissing?
    • Mutual independence: Make sure you both have time to do your own thing.
    • Communication: Regular communication is important for a healthy relationship. [3] What does that look like for you? For instance, you might decide to text daily.
3

Space out your dates.

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    Schedule your dates in advance so you can make other plans, as well. Use the time between dates to hang out with friends and family, work on your personal goals, or enjoy one of your interests. [4] This helps you avoid getting caught up in your relationship. [5]
    • For example, you might decide to hang out at your home on Tuesday and to play mini golf on Friday night. This gives you time to see friends on Saturday, to enjoy a meal with your family on Sunday, and to do things you want to do during the week.
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4

Pursue your personal goals and interests.

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    Allocate time to do the things that are important to you. [6] Similarly, encourage your ex to do the same thing. Not only will this slow your relationship down, it’ll also help build a healthier relationship. [7]
    • For instance, you might take a painting class, hold a weekly girls night, or learn to play an instrument.
    • If you’re in school, make time to study and participate in extracurriculars.
    • If you work, create time to further your career or learn new skills.
5

Set a timeline for being intimate so you aren’t rushing.

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    Decide ahead of time how long you’ll wait to show affection. Then, stick to your schedule. This will help you avoid pushing your relationship too far, too fast. [8]
    • For example, you might decide you’re okay with holding hands and hugging at first.
    • After your first few dates, you might start kissing and making out again.
    • If you’re sexually active, you might decide to wait for sex until after a certain date marker, like the 3rd or 5th date.
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6

Get to know each other again.

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    Start by talking about what you’ve both been doing since the break-up. Then, talk about what you both want out of the relationship. Ask each other questions about what kind of life you want for your future. [9] You might ask:
    • “Has anything exciting happened in your life since we broke up?”
    • “Where do you want to be in your life in 5 years?”
    • “What are 3 things you’ve added to your bucket list?”
    • “What 3 things would you bring to a deserted island?”
    • “What hobbies are you into now?”
7

Talk about what you need out of the relationship.

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    [10] Tell him what you need, then ask him what he wants from the relationship. Listen to his expectations so you can decide if they work for you. This helps you avoid getting caught up in a fantasy. [11] Here are some things you might discuss:
    • “What did you miss about our relationship?”
    • “What do you hope to change in our new relationship?”
    • “What does our future look like to you?”
    • “How can I be a better partner to you?”
    • “How would you describe your ideal relationship?”
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8

Work through the problems that broke up your relationship.

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    Ask your ex what they think broke you up. Then, share what you think went wrong. Decide how you can both avoid falling into those same pitfalls in the future. [12] Addressing old problems will help you avoid picking up where you left off.
    • You might say, “What do you think were our biggest issues last time?” or “Why do you think we kept fighting before?”
    • You could tell him something like, “I felt like you didn’t listen to me, so I want us to talk more in the future.”
    • Reader Poll: We asked 308 wikiHow readers who've considered rekindling a relationship with their ex, and 54% of them agreed that their biggest concern was making the same mistakes and getting hurt again. [Take Poll] By openly discussing what went wrong the first time around, you can avoid making those mistakes again.
9

Focus on the present, not the future.

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    Enjoy getting to know each other again, going on dates, and finding love again. Give your relationship the time to grow instead of trying to hop forward to the next relationship phase. [13] Savoring your relationship will help you slow things down. [14]
    • When you’re on a date, engage your senses to ground you in the moment. Really look at your boyfriend and take in your surroundings. Listen to what he’s saying. Feel the warmth of being near him. Enjoy his smell and the taste of his lips.
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10

Do new things together to rekindle your romance.

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    Make a list of things you can try together. Eat at new restaurants, see a new band together, or go to local events you haven’t visited before. This will bring you closer together and help you build your new relationship. [15]
    • Find events in your area on social media or ask friends for recommendations.
    • Look for new restaurants, coffee shops, and businesses to visit together.

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      Tips

      • Don’t compare your new relationship to your old one. Let your new relationship grow in a new direction.
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      • It’s easy to fall into old patterns, so be proactive. Make plans to do other activities in advance so you aren’t tempted to spend all of your time with your ex.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.youbeauty.com/love/thinking-of-rekindling-a-relationship-with-an-ex-heres-how/
      2. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/why-healthy-relationships-always-have-boundaries-how-to-set-boundaries-in-yours#recap
      3. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/relationship-help.htm#
      4. ↑ John Keegan. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 29 June 2021.
      5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/modern-dating/202008/7-tips-help-you-slow-down-you-date
      6. ↑ John Keegan. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 29 June 2021.
      7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/modern-dating/202008/7-tips-help-you-slow-down-you-date
      8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201208/take-it-slow-if-you-want-your-relationship-last
      9. ↑ https://www.rewire.org/getting-back-with-an-ex-right/
      1. ↑ John Keegan. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 29 June 2021.
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/modern-dating/202008/7-tips-help-you-slow-down-you-date
      3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-teen-doctor/202003/12-considerations-getting-back-together-ex
      4. ↑ John Keegan. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 29 June 2021.
      5. ↑ https://medium.com/mindfully/the-sexy-slow-burn-how-to-have-a-simmering-mindful-relationship-9e923a330cdc
      6. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/6-simple-ways-to-reignite-your-relationship#1

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