How to Tell Your Girlfriend You Are Not a Lesbian

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So you've been dating a nice lady, but wait! There's a problem here. You're not really attracted to girls like you thought. Ouch. This won't be easy. But even if it's painful at first, these steps can help you break it off as cleanly as possible so the two of you can move on.

Steps

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    You're going to have to think of the least painful way to break it off, and only you will know how.
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    You don't want a public scene—you don't want to embarrass or hurt her any more than necessary. Try to find a place that doesn't hold any loving memories; that will make it harder on both of you.
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    You don't want to remember this every year, and it isn't fair to burden her that way, either.
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    That will direct her on the road you will need her to be on.
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    Don't beat around the bush. Come to the point, but try not to be so blunt that you're more crushing than necessary. Breakups hurt and you need to keep that in mind, but do your best to care for her emotions as much as possible - don't forget that you are the one who screwed up here. She fell in love with you in good faith, believing that you returned her feelings. If it turns out this was just a passing fancy for you, then she is most definitely blameless.
    • Example: "Katie, I'm so sorry to have to tell you this, because it was a surprise to me, too. I have to face the fact that I am actually straight/aromantic. I think you're so great, and there's nothing you did wrong; this is just me having a lot of feelings for you that I've never had for any other girl. I'm not saying I never was in love with you, I'm saying, though, that I can't keep it going. I care about you, but only as a friend, and I hope you won't hate me for very long."
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    Show enough sympathy so that she understands that you feel bad about breaking her heart, without becoming so overly emotional about it that you let her talk you into "trying one more time."
    • Refrain from telling her stuff that will only serve to hurt her worse, like "I'm in love with Jonathan; that was the tip off." You have to keep those emotions under your belt.
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    This is a huge piece of news. She is going to cry, and you'll need to show some sympathy about that. You're not going to make things all better, because in the end, you're going to walk out the door and leave her. But you do owe her the consideration of allowing her to vent some of her frustration and grief to you, and treat her kindly if and when she cries. This is a huge deal to her—just wait until a guy breaks your heart, and then you'll know how she's feeling right now. The fact that your feelings for her were not real in no way means that her feelings for you were not real.
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    Spend enough time with her, talk with her, answer her questions (try to dodge any about new male interests, though—that could hurt her even worse).
    • When you feel you've given her all the answers she needs, and when the conversation starts going in circles (you're repeating the same things over and over), it's time to go. Tell her gently: "Look, I think we've covered this, at least as much as we can tonight. I feel really bad about it, and I wish I could do this without hurting you, but I can't. I have to go now. I'll see you." Then leave.
    • Don't be swayed by pleading, waterworks, threats, etc. Just get up and leave. If you're terribly concerned that she may do something rash, call one of her loved ones (sibling, friend, parent) and let them know what's happened. Suggest they check up on her right away.
    • Give her some space afterwords. Even if you want to talk to her again, don't initiate anything. She probably needs space to get over her feelings, and trying to chat will just make it harder for her. Keep a polite distance, only engaging in long conversations if she is the one who initiates them.
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    You need some time before you jump into another relationship. Reflect over your orientation (straight? asexual?) and get over the breakup yourself. Take time to focus on yourself, repair, reflect, and move on.
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  • Question
    Why would you date the girl in the first place?
    Community Answer
    It can take some people a while to figure out their sexuality. A girl might have thought she might be a lesbian, tried such a relationship, and realized that she wasn't after all.
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  • Question
    What should I say if this girl told me she loves me?
    Community Answer
    If you love her back, then tell her that. If you don't, try your best to let her down gently.
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  • Question
    What if I am lesbian, but I still want to break up with my girlfriend?
    Community Answer
    If you want to break up with her, that is fine, and should be treated no differently then any other couple.
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      Tips

      • Don't make it a habit to hurt people. Don't experiment on people.
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      • If you are bi-curious, make sure any arrangements you make are non-exclusive. Disclose the fact that you're curious about sexual relationships with men and women, and let the people you date know that you may very well be dating a person of the opposite gender to them right at this moment. (Tell them this right at the start, so they understand what they're getting into.)
        Thanks
      • It's okay to be unsure and just go with whatever you feel is natural, even if you're not 100% sure on what you specifically like! Just don't lie to yourself/your partner to avoid drama and make sure they know that your still figuring things out at the beginning of the relationship.
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